When Love Is Lost.

I could have grown old with him. I should have made him see I loved him before I left. What if we'd found a way to make it last longer? What if there were actually a cure to cancer? I could picture how our children would look with wild curly dark hair, and emerald green eyes, the eyes that used to look into my own Hersey's chocolate brown ones, while kissing my lips. I can still taste him on my skin, and feel his finger tips tracing circles on my shoulders.
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For the next two weeks, I stayed in my bedroom dreading to see the faces of my loved ones. At night I could hear my mother sobbing, and my brother repeating the same things over, and over again, getting louder with each repeat.
"How could you take her from us?", "She's to young to die!", or my favorite, "You're a prick, did you know that?". For a week, I kept thinking this was all just one big and horrible nightmare, that if I keep pinching myself I'd wake up to being the healthy me. I had started Chemo; he told me that I might not loose my hair, but I began to debate just shaving it anyways, and getting a wig. Of course, just in case.

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For the first time in two weeks, I'd finally talked to my family. We discussed who was on a Need-To-Know basis, and who was not. We decided we would only tell family, and no one else, because the last thing I wanted from anyone was pity. After a second of sitting down, and enjoying hearing my animated brother telling how is girlfriend had fallen down the steps at the church yesterday, I started to feel quizzy and I believed my brother noticed. Maybe I had turned ungodly green in my face, or the fact my body had come to have violent quivers . Trey took only a millisecond to jump out of his seat and making a bee-line for the trash can. He ran back throwing the trash can down smiling at me. My stomach began to empty itself, while my mother patted my back, and my brother say worriedly, playing with his hands. After my stomach stopped turning I asked if someone could take me upstairs, that I didn't think I could make it up by myself. My brother finally breathed out standing, had he been holding that breath this long? He wrapped his arm around my waist, as I wrapped my arm around his neck. He helped me up the stairs placing me slowly into bed. He sat at the edge of my Aztec bed cover, glancing around the room taking it all in. Had it really been that long since he'd been gone? His eyes fell upon picture after picture of me and friends, and me and family, taking in the soft grey walls with the brown wolf I'd painted on my as a decoration, lastly falling on the huge, extravagant dream catcher. I had pawned it from his possessions when he left for rehab for a year. He smiled reaching his hand to touch the delicate fur. He dropped he head into his hands, sighing, "What do we do Kile?"
I glanced down staring at my hands in my lap, deciding that in the moment, I may be getting weaker physically, but mentally I was strong as ever. If I was going to die; I was going to die with some strength, and a positive attitude towards death.
I replied, "We live each day like it's our last, Trey. It doesn't matter if it's years or months from now. My condition is terminal and there is nothing we can do about that except hope I get to live the maximum amount of time I can."
Trey smiled kissing me on the forehead, and turning on his heels to walk away. I could hear sniffling and his hand meet his face, and I was painfully aware that my condition was going to take a tole on everyone. I decides it's time to tell Jani. (My bestfriend)

Me: Would you like to come over and stay the night? I have a bunch to tell you, plus we have school in one week!

I sat thinking on the fact awaiting her reply. In a little less than a week, I'd be thrown into pretending I'm not sick, and dying, and miserable. How would I survive if no one knew my situation? Jani is the perfect person to tell. In a matter of seconds, Jani's reply lit up my phone.

Jani: I'm headed your way, it'd be there soon if Gertrude would quit being a bitch and drink her water instead of running hot.

I laughed at the message thinking of the time we named her car Gertrude. I texted my mother letting her know that Jani was coming over.

----

15 minutes later she came running through my door, taking an extended leap high in the air, landing with her face into the pillow next to me. She giggled wildly while she told me how her and Garrett were back together, and the family life. Her and Garrett were on and off, as was her family. I laughed and told her I was glad they were all back together. She sighed as she detected the sadness in my voice. She shot straight up in the bed, smiled widely at me with her braced teeth, and stated plainly, "Get dressed, I have an idea." I sighed heavily, heaving the covers back. I put all of the strength I had in these small actions, but I couldn't let her see that. I grabbed my black leggings, and black undershirt matching it with my Black and Tan cardigan . I pulled my wild curls into a messy bun on my head, and placing my bangs back in a bump, while a few strands fell and hung at the side. I smiles at the mirror proud of my ten minute change. In my time changing, Jani had decided that she was going to annoy my brother. I did one more once over, grabbing my purse and phone. I walked towards my brothers room to find them sitting together on the bed, Jani's small stature of 5'5" sitting on top my brother Indian style holding him down giving him a wet-willie. She was smiling a braced smile that could show the sun, laughing as my brother writhed within himself to break free of her finger. Her dark blonde hair cascaded down her lower back. Just as my mom made her way into the room because of the noise Jani was bucked off my brothers back onto the floor, rolling in fits of laughter. Jani calmed took a breath and grabbed my hand while I told my mother our plans for a movie date to the Ritz Theatere. We took off for the Ritz. I had a weird knot in my stomach as we climbed into Gertrude. I felt like I'd meet someone tonight that I might not want to see.