Say Something.

Looks like all is well, like you’re having a hell of a good time

I’m really not sure where I should start this story? I could start at the beginning, but for some reason that seems incredibly boring and cliché to me. Everyone starts at the beginning, I want to be different. I don’t want this to be just another story that you hear and forget about in the next forty-eight hours. Because this story is important. This story is my life and it deserves more than just however much attention you want to give it. So I’m going to make it memorable. I’m going to make it impossible for you to forget about me and about what happened. Because I’ll never forget. And if I can get someone else to have to go through exactly what I’ve gone through, to feel the pain I’ve been feeling, maybe it won’t hurt so much anymore.

I’m going to start in the middle. A bit unorthodox, I know, but affective. So here goes nothing.

I can’t be sure why exactly I agreed to go this particular party with Eleanor. I think maybe it’s because I had been ignoring her for the past three weeks and I was beginning to feel a little guilty. She had been my friend before I’d ever even thought about dating Harry and to completely cut her out of my life after our break up didn’t seem fair to her. After all, I was breaking up with Harry, not Eleanor. In every split, there are certain things one person gets that the other person just has to accept. In our break up, Harry got Louis. At the time it seemed almost obvious that Harry should receive his best friend, who would then never speak to me again, but now it just kind of sucked. I missed Louis just as much as I missed Harry. Somehow, both Harry and Louis had assumed that because Harry had gotten Louis in the break up, that automatically meant he also got Eleanor. That was a messy argument that I had refused to even be a part of.

I wasn’t positive, but I was pretty sure that Eleanor hadn’t exactly won the argument. Because the way she was sneaking about made it seem like she almost wasn’t supposed to be hanging out with me at all. If we hung out it was when the boys were away for business and we never put anything about our time together on any sort of social media. It was like I was some social outcast and she wasn’t allowed to be seen with me. I’d almost begun to feel like I was in high school all over again. It was exhausting.

That was why I was so surprised when Eleanor practically forced me out to this party. A party meant people, people meant pictures, and pictures meant actual physical evidence of our time together. Not to mention, One Direction were currently on a break and spending their downtime in London. So Eleanor had either finally decided to ignore Louis and Harry’s wishes and hang out with me anyway, or they’d finally resolved the issues completely.

I got my answer when we walked into a familiar apartment building and headed towards the elevator. I knew without looking that she was going to press the number 12 on the panel. When the doors opened I automatically, as if on auto pilot, walked down the hall and to the last door on the right. Standing in front of the door made it ten times more real than it had been in the elevator. I glanced over my shoulder at Eleanor and chewed on my lip as she smiled back eagerly. She reached forward and pushed the door open without even knocking. I shouldn’t have been surprised; we’d always been allowed to just invite ourselves in before.

It felt foreign to me, walking in to one of my best friend’s flats. I shouldn’t feel awkward. I shouldn’t feel like I was an intruder or like I didn’t belong there. I’d spent more time in that flat than in my own. So why did it suddenly feel like every pair of eyes in the entire apartment had switched over to me? Maybe because they had.

Somehow in her haste to get me out of my flat and into the real world, Eleanor had forgotten to mention that this wasn’t a party, but rather a small social gathering. There were ten people and a toddler staring at me. I turned to glare harshly at my best friend as she closed the door behind us. She shrugged and smiled back timidly before stepping further into the flat and over to the couch in the far corner. She lifted my hand from my side as she passed me and pulled me into the living room with everyone else.

“You can all stop staring now.” Eleanor said as we walked over to the couch. She sat down and pulled me with her.
I sat awkwardly on the edge of the couch as if I hadn’t spent many a night sleeping on it. As if I hadn’t cuddled up with Harry and watched movies there one lazy afternoon. I acted as if I’d never been on that couch, in that flat, or with those people ever before.

I heard someone clear their throat and immediately looked across the room to see Zayn awkwardly shifting from his position next to Perrie. He glanced up to realize that everyone was now staring at him instead of at me. He grinned bashfully and ducked his head down as Perrie nudged him with her elbow.

I sighed and looked over at Eleanor. I nudged her with my leg and chewed on my lip as she glanced up at me.

“I’m gonna go.” I whispered almost silently. I didn’t know why I felt the need to whisper. It’s not like it wouldn’t be obvious what I was doing when I walked out of the flat without saying anything to anyone else, but I didn’t want to make the situation even more awkward than it already was.

Eleanor shook her head and gripped my hand, “No, they’re your friends too and they need to start acting like it.” She replied, glancing meaningfully at everyone around the room, who were only pretending not to eavesdrop. “Because you’re the one who got broken up with. Not the other way around.” I stiffened immediately and cast my gaze down to my hands. I wrung them nervously in my lap as the people around me turned to stare at me curiously.

For the past four weeks I’d let everyone believe that I had been the one to break Harry’s heart, when it had actually been the other way around. I’d tried so hard, I really had. I changed and compromised and I was willing to do just about anything to stay with him. He was everything. I loved him with my whole heart, but that was never enough. It was a reoccurring theme in my life, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when he told me that it wasn’t working for him anymore. I’d been left behind plenty of times before Harry and I’d probably be left behind many times after him.

I’m just not the kind of girl people fall in love with, especially people like him.

“Em,” I glanced up for the first time since Eleanor had spoken to see probably the least likely person in the room staring at me expectantly. Actually the least likely person would’ve been the curly haired man sitting on the edge of his seat in the complete opposite corner of the room, but this person was completely surprising as well.

She looked so much like him. It was more obvious in the face and when she spoke, but it had always been interesting to me. It was fun to watch her mannerisms and compare them to his. Her long dark hair had been blonde for quite some time and her eyes were the same dark color as their mother’s, but other than that it was like looking at him.

I offered her a short smile, which was the best I could come up with. She simply stood from her seat and walked over to wrap her arms around me. I hugged her back tightly, but refused to show any form of emotion other than that. I couldn’t think about him when I hugged her, because that would only make it hurt that much more. Instead I focused on everything that was so incredibly Gemma, everything that made her different from her brother.

Gemma pulled back only a little to look at me, “Why didn’t you say anything?” she asked quietly as everyone else in the room conversed to cover up the very private conversation we were having.

I sighed and shook my head, “It wouldn’t have changed anything, Gemma.” I told her honestly. “He would still be your brother and I’d still be just the ex-girlfriend. It doesn’t matter who did it.”

“Yes, but maybe if I had known I wouldn’t have wasted the past few weeks hating your guts.” She offered me a small smirk. “Instead, I would have been talking to my brother about how much of an idiot he is to let you go.”

I shook my head, “He’s not an idiot.”

Gemma raised an eyebrow in response, not believing that I actually disagreed with her.

“I’m just not the right kind of girl for him.” I chewed on my lip. “I know that, but I never would’ve given him up. I’m not good enough for someone like him, but now that he’s rid of me he can find someone who is.”

“God, Emilia.” I was surprised when the response didn’t come from Gemma, but from the Irishman sitting next to us in an armchair. I glanced over to see him frowning at me. “The guy breaks your heart and you’re still defending him.”

I smiled and shrugged, “I love him, Niall. I’ll always be on his side, no matter what.”

I felt someone gripping my hand and turned to see Eleanor smiling at me supportively. I smiled back and then turned to see Niall shaking his head at me.

Other than Louis I’d always been closest with the blonde Irishman. He felt a little bit more like a brother than just a friend and I knew that he was protective over me. We’d practically had to beg him to agree to let Harry and I date in the first place. I think our break up and my inevitable disappearance from his life is exactly what Niall had feared when he’d agreed to let us date. It was hard, but Niall was one of Harry’s band mates and I refused to be the one to ruin that relationship. I had to let them be and remove myself from the situation to avoid any awkward encounters or confrontation. Apparently, Eleanor had completely ignored that part of the “Help Emilia Get over Her Ex-Boyfriend” plan.

I’d somehow eased myself into a semi comfortable conversation with Gemma and Niall. The two of them knew exactly what kinds of topics to avoid and what would be safe to talk about. Mostly we just talked about my life for the past few weeks and what I’d been up to. I told them about my trip to America and how it had been nice to see my family again. I didn’t, however, tell them about the first week and a half after the break up when I’d literally been catatonic and didn’t move from my bed.

A few moments into a particularly funny story about my older brother, I felt a tiny pair of hands gripping my own. I glanced down into the familiar eyes of my second favorite person on the planet. Her short blonde hair was pulled into a little ponytail on top of her head. She wore a giant smile special just for me and reached forward when she’d noticed that I was finally look at her. I easily wrapped my arms around her and pulled her onto my lap and close to my chest. Up until this point she’d been cuddled up with the man who had completely ignored my presence since I stepped through the door. I felt a small sense of satisfaction that she’d left him to cuddle with me.

“I miss you.” She mumbled sadly. I sighed as just about everyone stopped talking to look over at the two of us. I knew she’d probably say something like that and I knew it would probably gain just about everyone’s attention.

“I miss you too, babe.” I replied just as sadly. Lux’s round eyes filled a tiny bit with water as she reached forward and tightened her hold on me. I chewed on my lip, refusing to cry and buried my face into her shoulder.

Lux pulled back a little and looked up at me, “No leave.”
If my heart hadn’t already been crushed, it certainly was after that. I looked away from her and couldn’t help but glance over to the area I’d been avoiding since I got there. I didn’t have to look when I came in to know exactly where he was. I could just sense it. I knew that he was in that corner because as soon as I stepped into the flat, I’d wanted to go to that corner. I let myself look over for the first time all night and was absolutely destroyed when I saw a pair of evergreen eyes staring right back at me. I didn’t have to say it for either of us to know what my response to Lux was. It wasn’t up to me whether I could stay or not, it was completely up to him.

Rather than give me a response, he just turned to look out of the wall made of windows behind him. I sighed sadly and looked down. I knew exactly what that meant whether he said anything or not. I glanced up and met eyes with Lou, who quickly stood and collected her daughter from me. I stood and wrapped my arms around my torso quickly as if I was trying to keep myself together.

I could feel practically everyone in the room gazing at me curiously, but I completely ignored them. I rushed quickly through the living room and back to the front door. I didn’t bother saying goodbye or thanking Eleanor for bringing me over. I just left.
I could feel my phone vibrating obnoxiously from my pocket and reached down to grab it was I slid into the doors of the Tube. I leaned against the wall as the train began moving and checked to see that I had about twelve new messages from a variety of different people. Eleanor had texted me four times, Niall twice, Gemma once, Perrie twice, Lou once, Liam once, and the most surprising of them all, Louis had texted me once.

Eleanor Calder.
Why did you leave?
Come back. I don’t want you to be alone.
Seriously, Emmy, text me back now!
Emilia Grace, I’m so worried about you if you don’t text back I’m going to phone the police or worse…your mum!

Niall Horan.
Emmy, please call me. we’re worried.
I’m going to go over to your place if you don’t call me.

Perrie Edwards.
Em! Please let us know that you’re home safe.
I love you, babe. it was great to see you tonight. I hope we can get together soon. Xx.

Gemma Styles.
I’m sorry about all of this, Emmy. You deserve better than how you’ve been treated lately. Next time I’m in London, I’ll call you. I love you, darling. No matter what. Xx.

Lou Teasdale.
I’m sorry if Lux upset you, Em. She just misses you a lot and doesn’t understand what’s going on. We all miss you. Tom and I were wondering if we could all get together soon, let me know. Love you. Xx.

Liam Payne.
Hey Em, if you could let us know that you’re home safe, that would be great. Miss you. X.

Louis Tomlinson.
I’m very upset with you for letting me believe that you broke up with Haz. Emilia, you’re my best friend too. I miss you. I don’t want to have to choose between the two of you. I love you, booger. Please text me when you get home. We’ll talk soon. Xx.

I sighed and quickly texted them all back informing them that I was on the train headed back to my flat. I chewed on my lip and crossed my arms as the doors opened again. I stepped onto the platform and headed towards my building.

Harry Styles.
Don’t do anything stupid. –H

I sighed and deleted the message soon after I received it. I didn’t need his sympathy or his worry. I needed him to get out of my head and leave me alone. I needed some peace and I needed to get over him. I couldn’t do that when he was texting me or when I was surrounding myself with people who reminded me so much of him.

Eleanor Calder., Niall Horan., Gemma Styles., Perrie Edwards.
I just want you guys to know that I’m heading home for a little while. I’m not sure how long, but I’ll let you know when or if I come back. El, can you water the plants and forward my mail? Let everyone else know so they aren’t worried. I’m sorry. I love you all. Xx.

I unlocked the door to my dark and lonely flat a few moments later. I sighed and glanced around, seeing just about anything and everything that could possibly remind me of Harry. He was everywhere. He had completely enveloped me and had taken over my life. I didn’t mind it, I was so blinded by love that it didn’t even matter to me that I was no longer myself, instead I was just this mindless clone who did what she thought would benefit her boyfriend rather than herself.

Harry Styles.
See, that’s something I’d consider stupid. -H

I rolled my eyes at the message and quickly typed one back as I walked around the apartment, gathering anything I might need for my trip back to America.

Emilia Brennan.
I can’t let you do this anymore. I need to leave and figure out who I am again. I’m sorry, but if you’re going to move on, then why can’t I? Goodbye Harry. You know I’ll always love you. Xx.

I sighed and let the hand carrying my phone to drop down. I glanced up to see just about everyone in the room staring over at me, waiting for the inevitable blow up. I’d been particularly volatile the past four weeks. Part of that was because I’d gone so long allowing my friends to believe that I hadn’t been the one to end things between Emilia and me. No, I’d done it. I’d broken her heart, not the other way around.

I wasn’t trying to move on. That was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to be with her forever. Four weeks ago when we’d broken up, I’d been trying to tell her I loved her. It came out all wrong and all of a sudden I was single. I didn’t want to be single again. I wanted to be with her.

I stood from the couch and started walking towards the door. I couldn’t be in this room with them anymore. I couldn’t stare at the people who were so disappointed in me and in what I had done. I turned to glance over my shoulder when I felt someone grip my wrist. Eleanor stared back at me with a pleading look. I turned and stared back at her.

“Please, whatever you do, just don’t hurt her.” Eleanor whispered almost silently. “I can’t see her like that again.”

I flinched and ran a hand down my face. “I don’t plan on it.” I replied as I stepped back and headed out of the flat.

My mind worked on autopilot. I didn’t have to think about where I was going; my body just took me there. I approached the building after hailing a taxi I didn’t remember hailing or paying a fair I didn’t remember paying. I pushed the intercom button and was immediately allowed into the building by the lobby manager, Steve. He’d seen me around often enough that he didn’t question me as I walked over to the lift. I tapped my foot impatiently as the elevator rose.

I stepped out of the lift and down the hall to the first door on the left. I raised my hand to knock, but let it drop down again as I thought about what I was about to do. Why had it taken me four weeks to admit what I’d been trying to do that night? Why couldn’t I get the courage to tell her the truth? I stared at the white door in front of me for a few minutes, debating on whether I should knock or not.

I didn’t have to make a decision, because a few minutes later the door was thrown open and I was staring at Emilia’s surprised face.

“Harry?” I asked surprised. I had everything packed to leave. My flight was in two hours and my parents were expecting me. Everything was planned and in order, except for my ex-boyfriend standing in front of me.

He stared down at his shoes for a moment and then took a deep breath, “I love you.”

I blinked in surprise and only continued to stare back at him dumbly.

“That’s what I meant. I’ve been trying to find the words to say since I met you, but it just never came out right. And that night, I wasn’t trying to break up with you; I never want to break up with you. I want to be with you forever and I don’t think I could ever even love someone else a fraction of the way that I love you because you do things to me, Em.” He began pacing in the hallway in front of me. He would stare down at his hands for a few moments and then look up when he found something new or interesting to say to me. He and I had had many conversations like this before, about a plethora of topics, but never about his love for me.

“Like right now, you’re biting your lip and that used to be so infuriating, I got so annoyed when you’d do that, but now, now it just makes me love you even more.” I unclasped my lip from between my teeth and smiled bashfully, Harry only smirked back at me. “Sometimes, when you wake up in the morning and your hair is wild, I have to take a deep breath and let myself calm down because I can literally feel my heart threatening to beat its way out of my chest. And no one else does that to me. It’s just you. It’s only ever gonna be you.” He stopped in front of me with his hands on his chest where his heart was.

I frowned in confusion for a moment before he reached forward and grabbed my hands. He intertwined our fingers and placed our connected hands back onto his chest. I could feel the rapid beating underneath his skin clearly. I smiled and pulled his hands back so that they could feel my own heartbeat.

“You do that to me too.” I whispered. I glanced up at him with a timid smile.

Harry stepped forward so that we were both standing in the doorway of my flat. He lowered his head until his forehead touched mine.

“I love you.” he murmured with a small, almost pitiful smile. “Forgive me?”

“Always.” I whispered back. I smiled and lifted up on to my tiptoes to connect our lips.

“There’s one other thing.” I raised an eyebrow and waited for him to elaborate. “You have to swear that you won’t be my doormat anymore.” I made to protest, but he silenced me with another kiss. “I love Emilia, okay? Not Harry’s girlfriend. You. I just want you, not this person you think you have to be for me.” I nodded silently.

“Just as long as you promise to tell me what’s actually on your mind instead of breaking up with me.” I smirked. Harry rolled his eyes and kissed me again. “Oh, and I love you too by the way.”

“Good, otherwise this would’ve been very awkward.”