The Black Parade

Have you noticed a recurring pattern here? The more upset or annoyed Gerard gets the more of a show he puts on. Or is that just me? I was staring at him, trying to figure him out, but he was looking away from me, his hand covering his mouth, his eyes closed. He seemed to come to a pretty quick decision because he turned to me suddenly his look indifferent; he didn’t really care at all.

“Why?” I managed to choke out. I was still pretty freaked out about what I had just witnessed.

“Why what?” He questioned in a harsh voice.

“He was terrified,” I told him.

“Good,” he replied, already trying to turn away from me.

“What had he done?” I asked as I grabbed his arm, pulling him round to face me again.

“He was a bad man,” Gerard answered vaguely.

“Tell me.” I was almost pleading now, and I didn’t like it, but I had a right to know, he never told me anything, though there had to be a first time, right?

“Do you really want to know?” He asked in an ominous tone. The kind that made me hesitate for a second, just a second mind you.

“Yes.”

“He killed those people that the government wanted to disappear,” Gerard explained, but a smile was starting to form on his lips again, “he did some pretty terrible things, humiliated, maimed, raped, murdered these men and got a kick out of it every time.” Jesus! There are people like that? But did that really justify what Gerard had done to him?

“Why did you-“ I struggled for the words, how do you describe what he just did?

“Like I said,” he started, already turning to walk away from me once again, “you get to play with them.”

“Well that wasn’t very nice!” I grabbed his arm and pulled him back round to face me again. “And could you stop trying to walk away from me, it’s getting very annoying.”

“No one ever said I was nice.” He just stared at me, waiting for my reaction, he didn’t try to remove my hand from his arm, he wasn’t angry that I was trying to stop him walking away, or annoyed that I was angry with him.

“Could you for one minute be a real person and not this… this… what ever this stage persona is!”

“We’re dead, sugar, does that make us real?” There was a hint of annoyance now, perhaps I was finally getting to him or perhaps he was about ready to kill me, or whatever the equivalent was of making people disappear here.

“I’ve known you for… I’m not even sure how long but it’s been a while and I know nothing about you but for some reason I find it okay to engage in sidewalk make-out sessions with you.” I rambled.

“That’s your flaw in your personality, it’s not my fault you’re an easy slut.”

Okay, that was below the belt. No wonder people didn’t like him most of the time.

“You bastard.” I snapped. Though I managed to refrain myself from slapping him, I wasn’t sure that was a wise idea, I didn’t really want to see what he could do to me.

“What?” He asked in a blasé way. “Don’t like the truth?”

“Stop this right now!” I probably looked like I was about to start a tantrum. “Could you be serious for one second?”

“Why? Do you want to have a heart to heart with me?”

“Look, I know you’re upset-“

“What the fuck do you know about me?” He interrupted, practically growling in anger.

“That’s my point!” I raised my voice to outdo him. “I know nothing about you!”

“What do you want to know then?” He was yelling now trying to childishly outdo me.

“I just…” I trailed off unsure what I really wanted to know, but there was one thing… “Tell me how you’re feeling right now.”

“Now?” he asked. I nodded. “Pissed off, how bout you?”

“Annoyed.”

“Good, I’m glad we got that out of the way, can I go do something else now?”

“No!” I gave him a shove for even thinking that. “We are not finished with our talk.”

“Fine,” he sighed, “carry on.”

“I know you’re feeling upset right now-“

“No, we’ve been through this, I said pissed off.”

“Must you interrupt me?”

“You weren’t saying anything that interesting,” he drawled in a bored voice.

“Fine! Go! Leave me!” I crossed my arms over my chest and turned away from him. I was done with the fucker.

“You know I won’t cave just because you’re sulking.”

“I don’t care! Just fuck off!”

“Now Gwen, you don’t mean that.”

“Fuck you!”

There was a long pause.

“I’m sorry.”

“What was that?” I turned back to him to see he was giving me one of his ‘not a very happy bunny’ looks.

“I’m not saying it again.”

“Oh, that’s a shame, I would have continued this lovely conversation if you had, but as you didn’t…”

“Fine, I’m sorry, okay? Sorry that I scared you. Sorry that I got angry and yelled at you. Sorry that I never tell you anything. Are you happy now?”

“Very.” I replied brightly before going up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. “Now, if you ever want to talk I’ll always be here to listen, okay?”

“You running self-help seminars now?”

“Must you ruin what could have been a sweet moment?”

“If you think that was a sweet moment then you’ve obviously not lived.”

“I’m only twenty-two, I died before I really got to live,” I pointed out.

“Ah, well maybe I could teach you a few things about living, sugar,” he started suggestively, placing his hands on my hips and dragging me towards him, doing his little gyrating hip trick, truthfully its very nice but I couldn’t let him think I was enjoying it.

“You think you’re a right charmer, don’t you?” I giggled, I couldn’t help it, I got all giggly when men were being forward, it wasn’t my fault.

“I could charm the underwear right off you,” he whispered in my ear making me swoon, thank god he was holding me up. “But is there anything else you want to know first? Might as well get this over with now.”

“So you’re offering information up now?”

“One time offer only, sugar, take it while it lasts.”

“Tell me truthfully,” I started, pulling away slightly so I could actually see his face, he looked slightly wary already, I placed my hand on his cheek and rubbed the pad of my thumb over his cheek softly. “Are you okay?”

He sighed but didn’t look away from me. “No.” He confessed in a tired voice.

“Wanna talk about it?” I asked softly, still stroking his cheek. He leant into the touch, hopefully gaining some comfort from it.

“I can’t do this anymore.” It was barely a whisper. I didn’t say anything, just let him continue in his own time. “It’s all so… confusing,” he sighed, “am I a bad person?”

“Whatever for?”

“For wanting my brother to die so much.” He looked really pained then. I pulled him in for a tight hug, burring my face into his chest. “I want to be with him, Gwen, it’s been too long,” he continued, stroking my hair absentmindedly. “I feel guilty for wanting him to die, I’ll be taking him away from his life, from his friends, from our family.”

“He’s going to die eventually, Gerard.” I pulled away enough to see his face.

“I know, I know.” He paused, continuing to stroke my hair. “I just need to apologise.”

“For what?”

“That’s why I feel so bad, I haven’t had the chance to apologise for what I did, you see…” he paused, sighed, “you see, it was partly Mikey’s fault I… did what I did.”

“What?”

“It was Mikey’s fault I committed suicide.”

Right then the Black Parade jumped into the street, fortunately not crushing us, but it seemed to just flow around us as if we weren’t even there. But I couldn’t keep my eyes off of Gerard’s. Had I heard right? Was it his brother’s fault?

“Oooo sexual!” Frank pointed out as he dragged a laughing Nevaeh over to Gerard and me. Why did they have to turn up now?

“Do you have some kind of radar that tells you when I’m trying to have a private moment?” Gerard asked.

“Nope,” Frank replied happily, “it’s just a natural talent.”

“Well would you mind fucking off Frank, I’m kinda busy!” Gerard snapped. He was just about to confess the reason he killed himself to me, perhaps the only person ever, and Frank just happened to turn up right then. That fucking sucked!

“What crawled up your ass and died?” Frank asked in a bitchy tone. He did bitchy girl rather well did that Frank.

“I’m just not in the mood, okay Frank?”

“What were you two talking about?” Frank asked, eyeing us suspiciously now.

“None of your fucking business Frank.”

“Hey, is everything all right?” Nevaeh stepped in.

“Yeah, everything’s just peachy.” Gerard answered, sounding anything but ‘peachy’, whatever that sounded like, let’s just say he didn’t sound happy.

“Why do people say that? Why would you want things to be peachy? I like peaches, they taste good, but why would you want things to be peachy?” Nevaeh rambled.

“Gerard, are you okay?” Frank asked, sounding a little more considerate now.

“Never better,” Gerard replied sarcastically.

“You know, now would be a really good time to start telling me things,” Frank retaliated.

“I know what you’re like Frank.”

“And what am I like?” Frank snapped.

“I don’t need this.” Gerard said, turning to walk away again.

“No,” Frank grabbed Gerard’s arm and turned him back around, “you’re going to face it this time.”

“I’ve got nothing to say to you,” Gerard growled, trying to yank his arm away from Frank’s.

“Look, I know things are hard-“

“I don’t need your fucking sympathy Frank!” Gerard snapped, interrupting Frank.

“Why won’t you ever fucking talk to anybody!?”

Gerard turned to me then, finally remembering me, his look was regretful, but he didn’t say a thing. He just tugged Frank’s hand away from his arm, turned and walked away through the dregs of the Parade.

If I was mean I would start yelling at Frank for interrupting us, but he looked pretty pissed off already and I didn’t think the knowledge that Gerard was about to open up to me, of all the people, before he came along would go down well.

“We should get going,” Nevaeh stepped in, placing a reassuring hand on Frank’s arm.

“He’ll never get over it,” Frank muttered as he turned away from me and walked away.

Nevaeh lingered, I could see that there was a question on her lips, but she thought better of it. “Do something to take your mind off of it, sweetie.” And with that she too turned and walked away from me.

I was beginning to feel very annoyed with everything about this place, I never got any straight answers and whenever I came anywhere near the truth someone would always ruin it for me. I was about ready to give up, I was considering asking if I could move on instead of lingering around here. They could give Gerard some extra time to pick and train a replacement, hell they should give it to Frank, he would probably make a good leader, and he obviously wanted it. I wanted death to be what it was before to me, before I knew the truth. Death was supposed to be the ultimate release, to be unable to comprehend, to be nothing. That’s all I wanted.

To be sterile, to wash away my sins, to become pure in death. To be nothing.

I had been afraid of death before, but when I was dying I wasn’t scared of what lay beyond. It was supposed to be peace, the ability to not be able to comprehend the world around me, to be nothing, to no longer exist, to be done with the sorrow, the fear and the regret. Yet, Mr. Way, had gotten rid of that safety net with his idea of everlasting after death, to review all my mistakes again, to live that sorrow once more. To be constantly bothered. This wasn’t what I wanted in death. Did he think the same thing when he took his own life? Did he see it as an escape?

“Penny for your thoughts?”

I was yanked out of my thoughts by Ray, who was suddenly standing in front of me looking a little confused. I shook my head. “I’m not that cheap.” Ray didn’t try to push it any further, which I was glad for.

”I’ve got a message from Him,” Ray began, “he wants to get you started on your own.”

“I’m not ready.”

“I know, but as Gerard has stormed off somewhere again were a man down.”

“Can’t you come with me?”

Ray shook his head. “I’m sorry, I’ve got my own share of souls to be dealing with.”

“Well, you’ve got to tell me how to call the Black Parade then.”

Ray smiled at that. “Here,” he leant down and whispered in my ear, “it is all in the clicking of the fingers.” Damn! I’m going to have to learn to click my fingers then. He pulled back laughing softly. “Use Gerard’s portal for now, it’ll be yours once he’s gone anyway. Good luck.” And with that he turned and walked away from me. People seemed to be doing that to me quite a lot today.

I traipsed up to the Portal room alone, feeling awkward and nervous, I really wasn’t ready for this. I couldn’t click my fingers for one. And what if the soul was marked for Hell? How do I make that happen? And I’m not a really good sympathetic person, how am I supposed to guide these people to their death? This really isn’t for me.

The Portal room was empty, I was glad for that because it would not do having somebody seeing me fuck up, that’s if I did fuck up, which hopefully I wouldn’t, but knowing my luck I probably would. I placed my hand on Gerard’s Portal and the grey mist began to seep into my fingers. It was a man, mid-twenties, well dressed, looked very much like Gerard.
Caleb Gatto. Nevaeh’s murdering boyfriend, well that was quick.

But it also meant that he was destined for Hell, could I do that? How was that even done? Maybe I could give his soul to someone else, did that work? Was that possible?
I took my hand away from the Portal but the image didn’t change, Caleb was still sitting at a desk, leaning back in the comfy looking leather chair watching a TV screen behind the desk.
I probably had no choice, I just had to get it over and done with, there was a first time for everything, right?

I stepped through the Portal slowly and stepped into the office behind Caleb. I could hear what was playing on the TV screen now, it was an image of Caleb, a close up of his face, but the image was being rewound oddly, distorting the image.

“There these terrors, and it’s like, it feels like as if somebody was gripping my-“ Caleb rewound it again. “There these terrors, and it’s like, it feels like as if somebody was gripping my throat.” Rewound again. “There not like tremors there worse than tremors there, there these terrors, and it’s like-“ Rewound again. I could feel someone standing behind me. “There not like tremors there worse than tremors there, there these terrors. And it’s like, it feels like as if somebody was gripping my throat, squeezing, and-“ Rewound again. I could hear their breath, unnaturally loud. I turned.

There was a man standing behind me holding a gun in a shaky grip, pointing it right at Caleb, right through me. He muttered something that looked like a quick prayer and squeezed off a shot. It was an automatic gesture to flinch from it, though I knew the bullet would just pass right through me, but I still flinched. I could see from his face that there was something different, it looked like he saw me, his eyes widened incredibly in shock, but it was too late for that, for the second time in my life I felt a bullet rip though my skin, my shoulder this time.

“It feels like as if somebody was gripping my throat.”

I could feel myself falling and as I hit the ground I was thrown into somewhere different. I wasn’t sure if I’d passed out or if I’d died again, if that was even possible, or if I was hallucinating. But I was suddenly somewhere very dark and there was this very rough sounding song playing loudly around me. How could that have even been possible? Had I crossed into the Land of the Living? But I didn’t have time to contemplate this because I could see something at the end of the dark tunnel, a bright white light. It was like what death was supposed to be. Perhaps this was the real thing and the rest was just a dream?
I stood shakily, finding that I was still unsteady on my feet, getting shot can do that to you, except I looked down and realised there was no wound at all. Now I was starting to get confused. And if there was music that meant Gerard had to be involved somehow. What in Hell was going on?

“Some say, now suffer all the children.” He couldn’t leave it alone, could he? He always had to get involved, didn’t he? What had I to lose? I headed towards his voice, which seemed to be coming from the bright white light. “And walk away a saviour.” I was in a small dark corridor, I could feel the walls within a hand space of me, they were smooth and very cold. “Or a madman and polluted.” I felt the first hand then. I struggled away from the small hand that had grabbed my left shoulder only to push myself flat against the other wall to have an arm wrapped around my neck from behind. Was this Hell? “From gutter institutions.” I struggled away from the arm and realised that the whole corridor was lined with doors with bars instead of windows at regular intervals along the walls. Hands were stretching out needily to me, pleading to be freed. Children too. I ran ahead, avoiding the walls as best as I could, but these people kept reaching out for me.

“Don’t you breathe for me.” I looked ahead and realised Gerard was in the light beckoning me. I ran for him, unsure why, but feeling that being with him would be safer then the trapped people. “Undeserving of your sympathy.” I was grabbed again, dragged to the side of the wall by my hair. I screamed and struggled but Gerard didn’t even seem to realise, or he didn’t care, he just kept beckoning me in an almost seductive manner now. “Coz there ain’t no way that I’m sorry for what I did.” I broke free and ran to Gerard. “And through it all,” he grabbed my arms tightly and dragged me towards him, “how could you cry,” he started, moving closer to me, scaring me even more, “for me?” He asked in a low whisper right into my ear, I could feel his cheek against mine, his breath against my ear, and I was literally shaking with fear by now. “Coz I don’t feel bad about it.” I attempted to struggle out of his arms but his grip was too strong. “So shut your eyes,” with one hand he closed my eyes, “kiss me goodbye,” he was whispering in my ear still, “and sleep.”

He let go of me and I could feel myself falling.

“Just sleep.”

I didn’t hit the ground, I continued to free fall into an endless abyss of darkness but I could still see Gerard’s face when I closed my eyes.

“The hardest part,” he continued to sing, “is letting go of… your dreams.”

I landed with a thud in an unfamiliar chair.

“A drink,” Gerard was opposite me, sitting at the head of the long ornate heavily laid table, singing animatedly with a glass of deep rich wine in one hand, he raised his glass to the sky, “for the horror that I’m in.” I looked around the table and realised that it was full. Frank was to my left Bob to my right. I looked down the table seeing Ray and Nevaeh and Mikey and the woman who was singing with Gerard when we picked up Emanuel. “For the good guys,” he motioned to the left with his free hand, Bob, Nevaeh, “and the bad guys,” to his right with the wine glass, Frank, Mikey.

There was also all the other pickups I had seen so far. James Harris, the man who was murdered before his girlfriend in a botched robbery. Roger, the guy who overdosed at a party and who’s pickup Gerard had used as a chance to dance provocatively and shake his hips at me. And Daniel Abbott, the army general drifter who Gerard and me picked up at his own funereal. Those were the ones I recognised. They were all digging viscously into a whole roasted pig at the centre of the table with an apple in its mouth.

”For the monsters that I’ve been.” Gerard winked at me then. “Three cheers for tyranny, unapologetic apathy.”

Frank suddenly climbed onto the table in a very primitive, predator way, in time with the music that was playing behind Gerard’s words.

“Coz there ain’t no way that I’m coming back again.”

Frank took the apple from the pig’s mouth and offered it to me before laughing and taking a bite himself.

”And through it all.”

I was suddenly grabbed from behind and turned roughly to face Gerard. He roughly cleared the table behind me and pushed me down onto it.

“How could you cry for me?” He asked me, leaning over me and whispering it into my skin, so close his lips brushed over my cheek as he spoke. “Coz I don’t feel bad about it.” His hands were wandering up the sides of my dress now as he continued to sing to me. “So shut your eyes,” he continued right in my ear, “kiss me goodbye,” his hands gripped my waist, “and sleep.” He pulled back a little then to sing. “Just sleep.” He gave me a knowing look then. “The hardest part’s,” he pulled away fully until he was standing and not touching me anymore, ”the awful things that,” he stepped back further into the shadows, “I’ve seen.”
I watched him intently as everything around us began to fade to black and the music broke down to just soft piano. I sat up to realise I was sitting on the desk that Caleb was at before, I turned and saw the TV screen behind still running.

”Sometimes they go up in flames, and sometimes I see people that I love dying.”

I looked back to realise that Gerard was gone, I turned back to the leather chair that was turned away from me facing the TV screen. I reached a hand out slowly to turn the chair around but it spun before I reached it to reveal Gerard with a gaping bullet wound right in between his eyes.

”Just sleep.” He started in a soft voice as he surveyed me over his steepled fingers. “Just sleep.” He repeated as he stood. “Just sleep.” He screamed it as he climbed onto the desk. “Just sleep.” He continued, drawing out the words. “Just sleep.” He was howling it now as he began kicking things off the desk viciously. “Just sleep.” He continued now turning to pained wailing as he continued to kick things off the desk.

I backed away from him, terrified as I watched him seemingly lose his mind. He jumped down from the desk and advanced on me. I could do nothing but watch him, frozen in fright, as he walked towards me, stalking me with one of his predatory looks. The music faded out and his image shattered into hundreds of pieces and fell to the floor only to disappear, behind the tape was still running.

“I can’t ever wake up.”