The Black Parade

“A parade?” I questioned in disbelief. Of all the damn things they send a parade?

“The one and only Black Parade.” Gerard confirmed, still looking terribly pleased with himself.

The ‘Black’ Parade was making its way through my hospital room and out the other side. The skeleton bandleader was leading a group of girls dancing, twirling mostly, in these odd dresses with hoop skirts who were wearing fucking gas masks, of all things. There was also a few girls behind this in the same band outfit as Gerard and the skeleton guy leading the parade, all doing complicated things with batons, how nice. Then there was a couple of skeletons on horses?! What the fuck was this? Then the actual band, you know brass section and all. Then there were a few people looking a little lost, all wearing odd clothes, a few in hospital gowns, some covered in blood, others looking a little blue. Guessing they were the new recruits.

Gerard grabbed my hand and dragged me into the throng of confused looking people, a few dressed like Gerard were doted around leading others along, and they were singing now, what was with everybody and singing? Actually some of them were more like screaming “save me” at the top of their voices then singing it. No one was dressed like me… odd.

“Hey, Gerard, what the fuck?”

He just smiled.

And the music changed.

Some marvellous guitar riff came out of nowhere. I was starting to hate this, I really was.

“Uh…Gee…”

“And if your heart stops beating.” Great way to reply, I really knew what was going on now. “I’ll be here wondering did you get what you deserve? The ending of your life.” Oh crap, he was singing again, but this time he wasn’t alone, all those dressed like him seemed to know the words. “And if you get to heaven,” some of the confused people knew the words to that one, especially a little boy who was laughing as he marched in step with a female of whatever the fuck Gerard was. “I’ll be here waiting baby, did you get what you deserve? If your life won’t wait then your heart can’t take this.”

We passed through the rest of the hospital picking up random people every now and then, their escorts seemed to know Gerard because they shared knowing looks and a short guy with black hair and a lip and nose ring high fived Gerard.

“Have you heard the news that you’re dead?” I guess this was like supposed to be the bulletin then. I wonder who needed all this shit to realise? “No one ever had much nice to say I think they never liked you anyway.” Well that’s really nice Gerard; they really wanted to hear that once they were dead. “Oh, take me from the hospital bed. Wouldn't it be grand? It ain't exactly what you planned. And wouldn't it be great if we were dead?” I think it was the chorus, I wasn’t so sure, but everyone seemed to get really into that bit. And no, it wouldn’t be great if we were all dead. What was this guy on?

“Oh…uh dead.” Wow, he really got overexcited about this dead thing.

“Tongue tied and oh so squeamish you never fell in love. Did you get what you deserve? The ending of your life. And if you get to heaven I’ll be here waiting, baby did you get what you deserve? The ending if your life won’t wait then your heart can’t take this. Have you heard the news that you’re dead? No one ever had much nice to say I think they never liked you anyway. Oh take me from the hospital bed. Wouldn't it be grand to take a pistol by the hand? And wouldn't it be great if we were dead?” I think they just went and changed it here to confuse me because I was starting to enjoy the song. “And in my honest observation during this operation found a complication in your heart, so long, coz now you’ve gone, maybe just two weeks to live. Is that the most the both of you can give?”

Gerard was giving me a knowing look.

“What?” I questioned, another guitar riff going on the background. Someone had an ego.

“Wait and see.” He tapped his nose knowingly, swinging my hand more enthusiastically. “One… two… one, two, three, four!”

And then everyone stared la-la-ing, now I was seriously confused.

“They’re la-la-ing…”

“Yup,” Gerard answered, smiling broadly.

“Why…?”

“Just join in.”

So I did.

“If life ain’t just a joke, then why are we laughing?” Gerard seemed to be the only one not la-la-ing now. He nudged me.

“Umm… if life ain’t just a joke, then why are we laughing?” I repeated and his grin broadened, guess that’s what he’d wanted me to do.

“If life ain’t just a joke, then why are we laughing?” Gerard and me sung. I was staring to get into this parade-y thing.

“If like ain’t just a joke then why am I dead?”

The music suddenly stopped.

“Dead!” Everyone shouted and I jumped in surprise, wasn’t expecting that.

Everything had changed too, the parade was no longer going through the hospital picking up people but was now heading down a street full of people cheering on the sidewalk, noise makers and streamers and whistles and coloured confetti (mostly black). Well Death sure knew how to throw a party.

The band was playing something different now, no words this time, which I was grateful for because I didn’t want to get into the singing thing again… I probably looked really stupid.
Gerard grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the main block of people, a few others were being led off to the sides and meeting dead relatives it looked like, there were lots of tearful reunions. I wondered who Gerard was going to lead me to? The little boy who’d known the words was shown to a grandfather type guy I’m guessing; he had really bushy eyebrows and not much hair where it mattered. The boy looked completely at ease with the entire situation, he was laughing and still singing the chorus of the song the parader’s had been singing. Others weren’t coping too well. Poor people.

I wonder if I’d see my grandparents here, but instead Gerard pulled me back through the parade to where a couple of whatever Gerard was (soul collectors? I think I’ll refer to them as that for now) were walking along once their charges had left them.

“Here she is,” Gerard said in an excited tone. He seemed to be addressing three guys in particular. One was the short dude with the pressings; he looked me up and down and smiled knowingly as if pleased with what he saw. The other guy was taller with thick curly hair; he ruffled my hair, what the fuck was with that? And the third guy had blonde hair, and an emo fringe, jeez even in death some people didn’t have any taste, and a lip piercing too, he didn’t smile, he just nodded.

They were all staring at me.

“Umm… hello…” I waved. Stupid I know. But I didn’t know what else to do.

“They picked her?” The short dude asked sarcastically.

“Gwen,” Gerard introduced me. “This is, as she loves to know names,” he added snidely noticing the slightly confused looks from the other three Soul Collectors, “Frank,” short dude waved, “Ray,” one who ruffled my hair offered me his hand to shake, “And Bob.” Bob nodded; he seemed to do a lot of that.

“So she’s the new recruit then,” Bob stated.

Gerard nodded. “One and only.”

“You picked a pretty one, Gee.” Frank laughed.

Gerard shot Frank, the annoying short one it does seem, an evil look. “I picked her because she accepted it the easiest.”

“Not like you then?” Frank remarked. He just got a worse evil off Gerard for that.

“I don’t suppose you’ve discussed everything with her yet?” Ray asked.

“Everything?” I questioned warily.

Ray nodded. “Everything.” He was trying to be mysterious too, but it wasn’t working for him either. Where did they find these people?

“Not yet,” Gerard cut in warily. Okay, they were definitely keeping something from me. “I’m going to wait for the opportune moment.”

“Always the opportune moment,” Frank retorted, rolling his eyes.

“And that would be?” I asked.

“When I’m ready,” Gerard answered with a cocky smile. God, these people!

“So… how’d it happen?” Bob asked.

I just stared back blankly. “What?”

“It.” He replied.

“It is a very vague word,” I said.

“It’s a little insensitive to just go; how’d you die?” Frank butted in.

“How’d I die?” I repeated.

Frank rolled his eyes again. “Pretty, but very little brains.”

“You wanna know how I died?” I asked.

“Yes, I think that’s what he was trying to say,” Frank said.

“Sorry about him,” Bob started, pushing Frankie away from me. “Even in death he’s an annoying fucker, and I thought I was finally shot of him.”

“You don’t have to answer,” Ray added suddenly, “we understand it’s a personal thing.”
“Plus Gerard will tell us later, right?” Frank said.

Gerard turned to me to gauge my reaction. Considering I wasn’t that up in arms about my own death I didn’t mind telling them. “I’ll let Gwen tell you.” Gerard said finally.

“Spoil sport,” Frank sulked, sticking his tongue out at Gerard.

“I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.” I smiled, couldn’t help it, Frank was kind of cute.

“Great!” Frank said enthusiastically.

Bob sighed heavily. “Here we go again.”

“It was a big deal!” Frank started.

“Yeah, right,” Bob muttered under his breath.

Frank shot him an evil look but carried on. “I was in a rough patch, my best friend,” he indicated Gerard, who feigned embarrassment, “had just popped his clogs, in a fabulous way, though I’ll let him tell you that one. So anyway I was feeling a bit depressed.”

“A bit?” Bob added in disbelief.

“All right, I was really depressed, happy?” Bob nodded. Frank continued, “My whole lively hood was gone because of that man. I was feeling a little dead-end, pointless, not a happy bunny.”

“Understatement,” Bob added.

“Would you let me tell the story?” Frank snapped at the considerably taller man, making me have to stifle a giggle.

“Sure, have your moment.” Bob said.

“Right, so it was about a month after Gerard had his little accident.” They all started laughing at Frank’s words, except Gerard. “And I was just pissed off that all these stupid teenies were using our pain to mourn. It wasn’t their place to mourn, they were fucking committing suicide in their drones, or attempting to, they kept mysteriously surviving, little did I know Gerard was sending them back, bending the rules in fits of rages.” He grinned at Gerard, who just sighed heavily in return. “So I went on another drinking binge, like many nights before, but I just happened to get in a very stupid argument with the love of my life. Shame about that, she was so distraught after it happened, and I have to wait another fifty years to actually apologise in person. She doesn’t get over me you know, never marries, just brings up our kid. Oh, I didn’t tell you I have a daughter, cool right?” I just nodded. Strange man. “Anyway, under the influence of about three bottles-“

“Two,” Bob corrected.

“Is this your story?” Frank snapped again.

“Let him tell it,” Ray stepped in.

”Thank you,” Frank huffed. “Right where the fuck was I?”

“Two bottles.” Bob helped. “And they were half bottles, too.”

“Three!” Frank yelled. “I am not a lightweight!”

“Whatever you say, Iero,” Bob laughed.

“You know I hate that guy,” Frank groaned. “Anyway, after three bottles of brandy I was definitely starting to feel the effects. And under its influence I got into an argument with Jamia and stupidly stormed out, got in my car, got about five minutes down the street and accidentally drove myself off a bridge.” Frank was looking very proud of this fact. The others were sniggering at his stupidity. Frank ignored them. “Anyway, I knocked myself out, not hard in my state, but I’d landed on the train tracks, and about fifteen minutes later… splat!” I’m glad he was overjoyed about that. “Frankie all over the train tracks!” He was beaming at the thought. “It took them so long to scrape up all the bits, it was a closed casket obviously, not enough of me to really fill the box, but you know, Jamia wanted it to be just right.”

“That sounds dreadful,” I said.

“Nah, it was great, I didn’t even feel a thing!”

“The short one’s brains got scrambled in his little act of stupidity,” Bob explained.

“Would you shut up!” Frank snapped again.

“Shall we continue?” Gerard asked, he was the only one not smiling at Frank.

“Right,” Ray started. “Me next I suppose.” Gerard nodded. “Not as gruesome as dear Frankie’s, but it can hold it’s own. Like Frank, the death of Gerard was a bit of a blow, and then Frankie went and copped it too and that was such a shock, and within a month of each other.”

“Wait!” I said. “You all knew each other when you were alive?”

I got four blank stares back.

“Don’t you know who we are?” Frank asked.

“I don’t think she does.” Bob answered.

“The songs should have been the clue,” Ray added.

“Here, let me help,” Gerard started. “I’m not okay.”

“Trust me,” Frank squealed then kissed Gerard on the cheek.

“No, I’m still lost.”

“We are four fifths of My Chemical Romance,” Frank huffed. “God popularity means shit these days.”

“Oh, I know you,” I beamed. “Fuck, my sister loved you guys! She was in love with Gerard.” I looked back at Gerard, and suddenly realised there might have been a reason for why she fancied him, but at twelve-years-old his looks really didn’t appeal to me. He smiled at me and I blushed and turned back to the other three. “I was like twelve dude when you were around, I liked fucking Brittany Spears and Justin Timberlake at that age.”

“Such poor taste,” Frank shook his head in disappointment. “We have to educate her, Gee.”

“Can I get on with my story now?” Ray asked.

“Sure, sure.” Frank said.

“Right, with Gerard and Frank gone it was pretty much clear it was the end of My Chemical Romance, we lay it to rest then, I mean Mikey was distraught, kept trying to top himself, got really close too, so it was the end. So I tried to move on. Tried to put my life back together. A year or so later I found this girl. She seemed perfect.”

“Don’t they all,” Frank added.

“She was pretty and intelligent, and everything happened so fast. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am, I was a married man. And that’s when things went really down hill.”

“Way down hill,” Frank nodded along. For someone who was so annoyed at being interrupted in his own story he sure did do it a lot to Ray. But Ray didn’t seem to mind.
“It was the very classic change of personality, it suddenly dawned on me she just wanted me for my money. You should have seen the royalties I got from the songs. It was like Nirvana with the death of Kurt. Suddenly everyone wanted MCR because Gerard and Frank were dead and buried. Anyway, I was a bit stupid and didn’t seem to realise what was going on.”

“Darn right,” Frank added.

“Okay, Frank, zip it!” Ray said.

“Fine,” Frank huffed.

“But it was horrible.”

“She was a right Wicked Bitch of the West,” Frank grinned.

“Indeed,” Ray said.

“What did she do?” I asked, thoroughly intrigued now.

“Apart from the excessive spending and numerous affairs?” Ray said.

“Ouch, that had to sting.” I said. Poor Ray.

“Yeah, stung a lot. But she decided she was going for the lot of it, and easier then getting a divorce, which could go wrong and land her with only half of my worldly belongings, was to fucking kill me.”

“You were murdered!” I practically yelled in shock.

“Oh no,” Ray started. “Not in the eyes of the law. She got off scott free.”

“Fucking bitch,” Frank snapped.

“Spun some cock and bull story about how I was depressed and unstable and how it was the last act of a desperate man and how I’d topped myself. I did nothing of the sort. She crushed a load of pills into my gravy, by the time I noticed I was too weak to do much, and she forced a load more down my neck, then topped it off with bleach. Fucking painful way to die. I tell you.”

“Aww Ray,” I flung my arms around him. Then stilled in shock. I did not hug complete strangers. This so wasn’t me. I pulled back, blushing. “Sorry,” I mumbled under my breath.

“At least you cared.” Ray sighed. “She put on some big act, turned on the water works, and as I didn’t have a Will, she got everything, and you know what makes it worse?”

“How could there be worse?”

“She was four months pregnant with my kid at the time.”

“Poor guy,” Frank muttered under his breath.

“You have a kid too?” I asked.

“No,” Ray muttered, “she got an abortion.”

“Aww Ray.” I didn’t randomly hug him this time but I really wanted to.

“Bob?” Ray said, turning to him.

“Right, not nearly as interesting as the rest of them, it was an accident too, but not caused by stupidity,” he glared at Frank then. “Basically after everything fell apart with My Chem I moved back to Chicago, I should have stayed to help Ray keep an eye on Mikey but I just… I couldn’t cope, you understand?”

“I’ve already forgiven you for that,” Ray said.

“Yeah, but I feel a little responsible for your death.”

“How in Hell?” Ray asked.

“You only married her because you felt so alone, trying to deal with Mikey by yourself, you thought she’d help, she’d be able to support you. If I was there you wouldn’t have rushed into it.” Bob explained.

“Well, thinking about it that way,” Ray started. “But it doesn’t matter. It was inevitable.”

“Actually you weren’t due to die until you were eighty-five and a grandfather of sixteen,” Gerard added.

“Oh,” Ray sighed.

“Jesus how many kids was he supposed to have?” Frank asked.

“Six.” Gerard answered.

“Fuck,” Ray muttered.

“Someone was going to have a great sex life,” Frank said, nudging Ray in the ribs.

“Right, can we not get on with this, we are wasting valuable time here. He will get all annoyed again if I cause another backlog.” Gerard said. I was going to ask Gerard what he meant by He but I didn’t get the chance.

“Okay, basically it was seven years after Gerard and Frank died, and I got the call inviting me to Ray’s funereal. I really did not want to see another one of my closest friends laid out, not that I actually saw Gerard and Frankie considering the damage they’d done to themselves. But I went. And it wasn’t a happy affair. Poor Mikey had completely fallen apart by then, I mean Ray was the only one keeping him sane in the last five years since I’d left. So I stayed with him for a few months. I was there when he was diagnosed. Lung cancer, poor bloke, though he seemed almost resigned to it, he’d been ready to die since you did, Gee, he just hadn’t succeeded yet, and he knew no one was going to be able to save him this time. So I decided to move in with him permanently, to be there in the end, I had no family really, never married. So I was on my way back from Chicago after picking up a few of my belongings when unfortunately the plane I decided to take decided to have a massive mechanical failure, decided to lose the use of two of its engines and crashed into the fucking Appalachian mountains. Not enough of me for a grave either. Seemed to be a common trait with us. Except Ray, she fucking boiled your insides, but you still looked semi-decent on the outside.”

“Thanks,” Ray muttered under his breath.

“So now we’ve shared,” Frank started.

“But what about Gerard?” I asked, noticing the looks and realising it was a sore subject.

“He doesn’t usually talk about it,” Frank said. “Hell, even I don’t know the real reason and I’ve been hanging with him here for the past ten years.”

“I might not see it fit to share it with you,” Gerard told me. “But if I do it will be at a more appropriate time.”

“Always when it suits you, Gee.” Frank muttered.

“Anyway,” Gerard started, ignoring Frank’s comment. “We have a lot to do.”

“A lot of what?” I asked naively.

“Just tell them how you died,” Gerard sighed.

“Oh, shot for twelve dollars fifty from a 7-11 till.”

“Bummer,” Frank sighed. “Not that cool.”

“Nah, not really.” Not compared to these four stories anyway.

“But another murder victim,” Ray said, raising his hand for a high five, which I complied with, slightly confused why that was a good thing.

“So that’s two suicides, two murders, and one in the wrong place at the wrong time.” Bob summed up.

“I think you’ll find mine was an accident,” Frank corrected. “It wasn’t intentional.”

“Okay, one suicide, one accident, two murders, and one in the wrong place at the wrong time, happy?” Bob said.

“Very.”

These guys were weird.