Skin

“How’s the recovery coming along?”

I slunk down further where I sat on the sofa, scowling to myself. “I’ve got cabin fever.”

My brother Jax sat down on the recliner to my left. He leaned forward, balancing his elbows on his knees. “I thought Tara said that you were supposed to go for walks,” he said. He looked genuinely concerned that I wasn’t following the doctor’s orders. His eyebrows knitted together over his pale blue eyes, and his blonde hair fell out haphazardly from where it was eternally tucked behind his ears.

“I do,” I assured him. “I take Casey for like three walks a day. At least she’s happy about my recovery period. But it’s been weeks, Jax. I’m bored. I want to go back to work.”

“You’re, what, five weeks into this thing? They originally told you six to eight. You’re almost done. And when you are, your job will be waiting for you. Sack will be fucking jacked when you get back. He’s had to go back to doing all the cleaning. Oh,” he added, his face contorting with an awkward, uncertain expression. “And I guess you should know. He’s got himself a new girl now.”

“Oh,” I replied dumbly. I was surprised by the news, but not hurt by it. I’d been the one who’d ended things. I had no right to feel any kind of malevolence toward him. “Good for him.”

“He wanted to tell you himself, but…” whatever excuse Jax had intended to make for the prospect was left hanging in the air, unfinished.

I shrugged. “Whatever. He hasn’t really come around. Not many people do.”

“Lexi,” Jax sighed deeply.

“No,” I waved him off, knowing that it sounded like I was having a bit of a pity party. “It’s fine. I wouldn’t visit me, either. I’ve been a moody asshole. I know that, and as much as I want to stop it, I can’t seem to. I just open my mouth and awful shit comes out. Tara said it’s normal to be irritable after heart surgery. I don’t think that’s what did it.”

He laughed lightly, trying to brighten up the mood in the room. “You’re always bitchy, though. That’s not new.”

I couldn’t help but smile in return. “I guess I walked right into that, didn’t I?”

“The rest of it gets better with time,” he told me, his tone full of confidence.

I knew what he was referring to, and I trusted his judgement. I had been somewhat depressed lately over the events that had led up to my heart surgery. I had done exactly what I’d had to do, but I’d still been affected by it. I felt as if I’d lost a part of myself when I’d put a bullet through my ex-boyfriend’s skull. Jax had killed people before; he knew what it was like after the first time.

“I know. I shouldn’t even be thinking about it. The guy deserved to die; why is it still bothering me?”

“It’s because you knew him,” Jax said gently. “It’s easier when it’s a stranger and you’re fighting for your life. But it will get better, I promise you. You can talk to any of us about it. We’ll help you through it.”

“Don’t you ever get sick of helping me?” I grumbled. I had really taken a lot from Jax lately, as well as the other members of the Sons of Anarchy motorcycle club.

“There’s that trademark bitchiness again.”

I opened my mouth to retort, but was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. Both Jax and I looked up expectantly as Juice walked in. He dropped a few plastic bags of groceries on the kitchen counter before he wandered into the living room and joined us.

“You coming to chapel tonight, brother?” Jax asked, leaning back in the chair and pushing his blonde hair back from his face. “We need you at the table.”

Juice nodded, sitting at the opposite end of the sofa from me. “Of course. You know I wouldn’t miss chapel.”

Jax’s eyes flickered, almost imperceptibly quickly, over to me. “Yeah, I know.”

“I’m sitting right here, Jax,” I snapped in sudden irritation. “If you’ve got something to say, just say it. He’s been spending a lot of time with me lately. I know that.”

The odd glimmer in Jax’s gaze right then told me that there was something I didn’t know. It would have been easy for them to keep me in the dark if they wanted to; it wasn’t like I was allowed to just hang around the clubhouse these days. Everyone knew that if I tried I would likely wind up getting drunk or stoned and messing up my whole recovery. Will power was not one of my strong suits.

“I wasn’t going to say anything,” Jax replied lightly. He gripped the armrests on the chair and pulled himself to his feet. “See you later, Juice. And Lexi,” he paused to point an accusing finger at me. “I’m sending Mom to come and pick you up tomorrow.”

“As if I wouldn’t have gone,” I mumbled, sinking even lower into the couch. I watched as my brother adjusted his leather cut and left the room. Slowly, I turned my attention to the other man in the room. “How was work at the garage today?”

He ignored my question, looking utterly perplexed. “What crawled up your ass today?” he asked, glancing toward the door where Jax had just disappeared. Juice looked back at me, moving closer along the couch and leaning in, as if that would give him more answers. His dark brown eyes searched mine intently.

I felt my bitterness and anger melt away. I had no idea why, but I hadn’t been acting the same around Juice as I was everyone else. I couldn’t be snarky and mad with him. He’d sacrificed his whole life for me over the past five weeks, and I couldn’t just ignore that. Besides, not only did he bring out the best in me, but he somehow made me want to be a better person. He was still my best friend, but now he seemed like the best thing that I had in my life.

“Sorry,” I said with a tiny, half-hearted smile. “I had a long day. And you know how Jax and I push each other’s buttons sometimes.”

“Well calm down,” he grinned widely at me. “We’ve got to keep that heart rate down so you can get your life back.”

I was wrapped up in one of Juice’s hoodies, and as I reached out for him I noticed just how long the sleeves were on me. He slid over until we were so close we were touching, and he took me in his arms without any further questions or explanations. I stretched up and pressed my lips to his.

This had been going on between the two of us for awhile. The first night after my surgery, when I’d woken up to find Juice in my room, I’d told him to wait until I had my head together before we discussed a relationship. Hours later, however, after he had crawled in beside me in the hospital bed so that he could hold me and comfort me properly, I’d begged him not to read into my actions as I’d kissed him for the first time. He’d brushed it off as my vulnerability reacting to his adoration and care. But then it had happened again when I’d woken up. I was glad that the two of us were generally alone together, because I found that as I got more and more used to this kind of interaction, it became harder and harder to stop myself from doing something like this every time I saw him.

Juice’s movements, as always, started off slow and tentative. He was so careful that I was usually the one that had to amp things up. I knew that most of his behaviour was due to my recent surgery, but I still wished that he would take charge and just kiss me on his own. We would get there eventually, but for now I had to settle for this. He’d been really good about not pressing me for a relationship lately. That, too, was something that just had to come with time.

I cuddled up against Juice on the couch; it happened so often now that it just felt normal. “I’m glad you’re home,” I told him quietly.

The day I’d been released from the hospital, I’d attempted to have the most normal life I possibly could. I’d asked my mother to take me back to my apartment and help me get settled. She’d watched as my paranoia had instantly set in. I’d spent more time anxiously checking behind doors and glancing nervously out of windows than anything else. The sight of the fire escape, which the guys had ensured had had all the broken glass replaced and cleaned up before my arrival, had caused me the worst strain of all. Mom had taken charge and told me that I wasn’t allowed to stay in the apartment. The constant fear would surely affect my recovery. As much as I fought and begged to be able to keep some shred of my independence, I’d been outvoted when she took it up with Jax and Clay, my stepfather. They’d all offered to let me stay in their houses, but Jax’s spare room had been turned into a nursery for his son Abel, and I just plain couldn’t stand the idea of living with Mom and Clay for months on end. As soon as he’d heard what was going on, Juice had offered me a place to live. I’d argued with him over it, too, but he wound up winning. I had to stay somewhere, he’d reminded me, and I might as well be somewhere that a club member could look after me. Besides, he’d allowed my dog to stay in his backyard, and though he hated having her fur on his clothes, he let me bring her in whenever the mood struck me or the weather was bad. I’d intended on staying in his guest room, and all of my things were still stored in that closet, but on the first night I’d found myself crawling into his bed. I’d wanted him to hold me like he had at the hospital. He’d given in without a moment of hesitation, and I had never gone back to the spare bed. We’d only left my clothes in there to keep up appearances in case Jax or Mom decided to check it out.

“What time is chapel?” I asked conversationally.

“Eight. Like it always is,” he replied. There was a smile in his voice as he ran his hand up and down my arm in a comforting manner.

I glanced over at the clock on the wall. It was just past six. “What did you get for groceries? I’ll make you something to eat before you go.”

“Actually, I stopped and grabbed some Chinese food. Don’t worry,” he added hurriedly as I opened my mouth to argue. “I got pretty much all vegetables and stuff like that. I know you can’t eat anything fun.”

I clambered up from the couch and headed into the kitchen. “You get used to it. I honestly don’t even know what’s going to happen when I’m allowed to binge eat an entire bag of Doritos again.”

Juice followed close behind me, laughing. “Even after you’re all fixed up, I’m not so sure that that’s a great idea.”

I dug through the plastic bags until I discovered the take-out food. I began pulling out the cardboard containers and spreading them out across the countertop. “I just want to be irresponsible,” I admitted as I began popping the lids open and inspecting the food inside. “Have you ever wanted to eat a burger the size of your head? Probably not. Because no one wants to do stupid things like that until they’re told that they aren’t allowed.”

“It’s the food that’s bugging you? Really? You’re not even allowed to drive,” he commented as he grabbed some forks from a drawer.

“Thanks for the reminder,” I said, my tone a bit darker than I’d intended. I felt like I was missing out on everything these days, and I found any mention of that fact to be more than a little bit upsetting. “So why’d you decide to pick up dinner? What’s the occasion?” I attempted to brighten my own spirits. It didn’t work.

Juice shrugged, poking at a piece of broccoli curiously. “No real reason. I just felt like doing something nice. You cook all the time.”

I felt a sudden surge of guilt, as I so often did when he treated me this well. “Juice, everything that you do is nice. Cooking is pretty much the least I can do in return.”

He glanced around the room. “I’ve never seen this place so clean. I don’t think it was this spotless when I moved in. You do more than cook. Just shut up and let me do things every now and then.”

“But-”

“Lex, it’s just take-out, calm down.”

I leaned back against the counter, pouting just a bit as I grabbed the nearest container. He had a lot of moments where he seemed like an idiot, and quite often he left me wondering if he really understood how to act in social scenarios, but at times like this I had to wonder how he was still single. He was so kind-hearted that, if I hadn’t known his whole story, I would have wondered how in the hell he wound up in a biker gang. As it was, even though I knew that he’d suffered a lot in his life, I couldn’t help but be grateful that Jax had seen the promise in him and had convinced him to try and become a prospect.

I looked over at him, watching as he bit into a piece of incredibly unappetizing-looking chicken. “You could have gotten stuff that you liked, you know. You’re not the one stuck on a heart-healthy diet.”

“It won’t hurt me to eat a little healthier. So far it hasn’t been that bad.”

“No, it really is that bad,” I laughed a little. “But thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you, I swear.”

Juice lit up, looking pleased. In that moment I knew exactly why he was single; it definitely wasn’t due to lack of interest from other girls. I hated that I was leading him on. I really cared about him, but the fact that my last two relationships had ended with gun shots made me extremely hesitant to let things progress any further.

“I’ll be home soon,” he promised as he pulled his cut onto his shoulders about an hour later.

“No, go on,” I encouraged him with a smile. “Have a couple beers with the guys. I’ll be fine.”

He grabbed his keys from where he’d tossed them on the counter earlier, casting an uncertain glance in my direction. “Lex, it’s really okay. I won’t be long.”

I shook my head. “Come on, just go. You can’t let me hold you back forever. You keep saying that I’m going to have to go back to normal, but you have to do that, too. I love spending time here with you, Juice. Really, I do. But you know as well as I do that you can’t put everything with the club on hold for me. I’ll probably be in bed when you come home, anyways. You might as well enjoy yourself.”

“Tell me that you wouldn’t feel safer if I was here with you,” he challenged, lingering in the doorway.

I frowned a tiny bit. He had me with that one. “I always feel safer with you here,” I admitted. “But eventually I need to learn how to get by without you holding my hand every second of the day.”

His eyebrows pulled together and a crease formed between them. “Are you sure that you’re ready for that?” Juice’s question was genuine. He wasn’t trying to talk down to me or to try and convince me of anything. He just wanted to make sure that I would be okay.

“Let’s compromise,” I proposed. “Stay for one beer tonight. We can work our way up to those nights where you get wasted and pass out on the pool table.”

“Something tells me that those nights have come to an end,” he told me with a sheepish grin.

“Something tells me that they haven’t,” I smirked. “You need to go. If you’re late, you know they’ll all figure out that it’s my fault.”

“Lex, you know that they all feel better knowing you’re in good hands, right? The only way any of the guys would be any happier about it would be if they could take care of you themselves.”

I nodded, ushering him out the door. “I know. Be safe, have fun, and don’t vote in anything that’ll get you killed. I don’t want to be forced to go and stay with one of the other guys because you aren’t around to keep me safe anymore.”

Juice stopped, using his weight to prevent me from successfully removing him from the house. He leaned down and kissed my forehead. “If anything goes wrong, call me. I mean anything, okay? Even if you just hear Casey barking and don’t want to go outside to see what’s bugging her.”

“I’ll be fine,” I repeated. Still, I couldn’t help but smile to myself as I closed the door behind him. Juice deserved so much better than me. And yet, I was just selfish enough that I couldn’t imagine letting him go.

I wandered into the living room and turned on the television. I cuddled up on the sofa once more, wrapping myself in a blanket as I watched some primetime comedy that I’d never heard of before. The room around me reflected the man who had decorated it. The walls were painted a warm shade of beige, and the furniture was simple. The shelves of the entertainment unit were filled with DVDs, computer software and manuals, and several older models of cameras.

When I’d grown tired, I headed into the spare room to change my clothes before crawling into Juice’s bed. The mattress was soft and seemed to embrace me as I curled up under the blankets.

In the back of my mind, there was a voice telling me that being alone was a bad idea. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried not to listen to the creaks and moans as the house settled. I was determined not to call Juice. He deserved a night of fun. He deserved a night that didn’t revolve around me.