Skin

I awoke the next morning tangled up in Juice’s arms. I buried my face in his toned chest, breathing in his scent. He smelled faintly of sweat and cigarettes. His breathing was slow and rhythmic, and his face was peaceful and serene as he slept. I closed my eyes and hoped that I could simply lay with him for awhile before he woke up.

I should have known better.

The doorbell rang cheerfully, making both of us jump. I looked over at the digital alarm clock on the nightstand and cursed under my breath.

“That’s probably Mom.” I threw the blankets back and rushed from the room. I opened the door and found my mother, as expected, waiting on the front step.

She pulled her sunglasses from her face and surveyed my appearance critically. “Rough night?”

“I overslept. Come in, I’ll throw some clothes on and we can get going.”

As I stepped back and gave her room to enter, I caught sight of Juice bustling about the kitchen. He was filling the coffee pot with water from the tap. I closed the door behind Mom and gave him a strained smile.

“It’s just Mom coming to take me for my check-up,” I pretended to give him a run down, as if I hadn’t hypothesized that very scenario to him a moment before. “You didn’t have to get up.”

He shrugged. “I’m usually up before now anyways. Hell, I’m usually gone by now. It would have been weird to go back to bed. How do you take your coffee, Gemma?”

“Thanks, but I can’t stay. We need to hit the road,” Mom told him, putting extra emphasis on her last sentence.

“Right,” I nodded. “Be right back.”

I hurried off to the spare bedroom and threw open the closet. As I yanked out a fresh pair of jeans, I heard the door open behind me.

“I thought you said you just woke up,” Mom commented, looking around the room.

“What?” I glanced back over my shoulder, noticing then that the bed was crisply made. I turned back to the closet, picking out a tee shirt and mentally berating myself for making such a stupid mistake. “I made the bed already,” I lied.

“Lexi, you’ve never made a bed once in your life,” she replied, grinning mischievously. “Not to mention the fact that you wouldn’t have had time to do it if I woke you up with the doorbell. And judging by how you look right now, I’m guessing that you were being honest about that part.”

I closed the closet door as Mom sat on the foot of the bed and waited for a reply. I found that my mouth had gone dry. After five weeks, I’d finally been caught. I dropped the clothes onto the mattress beside her and faced the mirror hanging on the closet. I really did look like I’d just woken up. My hair, which I’d tied back in a ponytail the night before, was falling out of the elastic and sticking up in a frizzy mess. My cheekbones seemed to jut out harshly; I’d lost a bit of weight since everything had happened. My lips were dry, and I licked them nervously. Finally, my faze fell upon the one part of my face that I was most self-conscious about. My broken nose was still an issue for me. It was a scar that had been left by someone I’d trusted, and someone I’d had to kill. It was his fault that I’d become this person that I didn’t like, and my nose was a constant reminder of that. This mutilated reflection still felt wrong to me. It was like I was trapped inside of a stranger’s skin. I cleared my throat as I set about fixing my hair.

“We’re not having sex,” I said in a muted tone.

“Oh, I know that,” she smiled. “You’re far too grumpy for someone getting regular action.”

I ignored how weird her statement me feel. Mom didn’t have many boundaries, and evidently her daughter’s sex life was just casual conversation. “I just think that we both feel better when I sleep next to him. Anyone trying to get to me would have to go through him first, and I know that he’ll never let that happen.”

Mom drummed her fingers against the quilt that covered the bed. “And it wasn’t like that with Half-Sack?”

I winced at the reference, but tried to cover it by coughing loudly. “I felt safe with him. If I didn’t, I never would have been alone with him in my apartment. But I’m just saying that…” I let out a frustrated breath. How could I say this without sounding like an asshole? “He let me down, and Juice never has.”

“There’s a first time for everything. But baby, you know that someday he’s going to want more. And if you don’t make up your mind, you might wind up losing him. He’s a sweetheart, but even he can’t hang on forever.”

Finished with my hair, I spun around to look at her quizzically. “How do you know that I’m the one that’s standing in the way here?”

“It’s always you,” she said with the knowing look that only a mother can possess. “Lexi, if you weren’t fighting him every step of the way, you would have never left Charming. You’d be married to the guy by now.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked as I yanked off my tank top and pulled the tee shirt on, perhaps a bit too aggressively.

“Maybe if you actually talked to the guy once in awhile, you’d figure some things out. Come on, let’s get out of here. Maybe today will be the day,” she added with an encouraging grin.

“Fat chance,” I snorted. I finished doing up the fly on my jeans, then ducked out of the bedroom.

Juice was pouring himself a cup of coffee from the pot that he’d just brewed. He smiled and waved as I walked through the room on my way to the front door. “Good luck today,” he called out.

“Thanks!” I yelled back over my shoulder as I headed outside into the sunlight. I was in the passenger seat of Mom’s Cadillac before she’d even left Juice’s house. She sauntered over, taking her sweet time as she cut across the grass. She made it look effortless, even though I knew that the ground was soft and she was in heels. I looked down at the black and white sneakers that covered my own feet. Maybe if I could be as graceful and powerful as Mom was, I wouldn’t feel so self-conscious about my scars.

“Think positive,” she told me as she pulled into a parking spot at St. Thomas hospital a few minutes later. “Half of the struggle is your attitude. And given your history, that’s one hell of a struggle to overcome.”

I rolled my eyes. “You act like me being a little bit moody will reverse all of my progress. I’m fine. Whatever the test results are today, I’ll deal with it. I’m not expecting great news, anyways.”

Mom shot me a look as she got out of the car. I followed suit, keeping pace with her as she walked briskly inside. When we neared Tara’s office, she gave me a small wave.

“I’ll be in with Abel. Head over there when you’re done.”

We parted ways, and I sat myself down on a chair in Tara’s office. I waited alone, passing the long minutes by reading the diplomas and degrees posted on the walls. I did this every time I came in here; I’d had them memorized for weeks. The door opened shortly after, and Tara came bustling in. Her white lab coat covered her pale blue scrubs, and her dark hair was pinned up and away from her face. She smiled at me.

“Let’s get to it.”

We wasted no time getting the tests done. We chatted lightly throughout the process, but we both knew which subjects to avoid. It wasn’t that we weren’t friendly. In fact, the more times I had to come for these check-ups, the more I genuinely liked Tara. I remembered why I’d looked up to her when she’d dated my brother in high school. But things were a bit difficult just then. I was pretty sure that she was fucking my brother, and I remembered how badly she’d hurt him before. And any chance she got, Mom made it very clear that she didn’t care for Tara at all.

When I was left alone again as Tara fetched my results, I wondered why I still hadn’t gotten smart enough to bring a book along with me. I’d brought a few to Juice’s house, but I’d finished them within the first couple of weeks. He had a few kicking around, though I rarely saw him have any interest in reading anything that wasn’t on a computer screen. Still, I was sure that he wouldn’t mind if I borrowed what little resources he did have.

Tara came in again, this time much more calmly than before. She sat at her desk across from me, and opened the file she held between her long fingers. “Alright, I have some good news and some bad news.”

My stomach dropped. She’d never started off like this before. Generally, she just told me to keep up with my usual routine. As usual, I found myself focusing solely on the latter part of her statement. There was bad news. I gulped. “And?”

She smiled then, and it was an honest gesture. “You can start driving again. Your car,” she added in a rush. “Not the bike just yet. And if you swear to me that you will only do light duty, I think you can start picking up some shifts. Don’t push it; I’m not giving you permission to go back to full time work. A couple of nights a week, that’s it.”

“I’m not seeing a downside here,” I said, my mind still clinging to the fact that something bad was coming.

“You’re not done yet,” she said with a light shrug. “As long as you keep at it the way you have been, and you don’t push yourself, it won’t be much longer. I’ll see you next week.”

I felt my jaw fall open. “That’s it? I’m allowed to drive and work now? All I have to do is keep up the diet and exercise, and keep coming for my appointments with you?”

Tara nodded as she flipped the file shut. “Looks that way. But promise me that if you feel anything abnormal you’ll come in.”

“Of course,” I assured her. “Thanks, Tara.”

She nodded again, though this time it was in farewell. I raised a hand in a stunned wave as I departed. I wandered down the sterile hallways until I found myself in the NICU. Mom was waiting with my nephew, Abel, just as she’d promised. He was swaddled in a blanket and wrapped up in her arms. As I opened the door, she looked up expectantly.

“How did it go?”

“Really good, actually,” I told her as I sat in the chair next to hers. She held out her arms and I took Abel from her, careful to keep his oxygen lines in place as I did. “Hey, buddy,” I greeted him with a smile. “I might be seeing just a little bit less of you for a little while.”

“What?” Mom asked, suddenly extremely interested.

“I’m allowed to drive, as long as it’s my car and not my bike. And Tara said I can work a night or two each week. I guess I need to build up to my usual schedule.”

“That’s great, honey,” she said, looking proud. “And you don’t need that bike, anyways. Women were meant for the luxury of a car.”

I decided not to push that comment any further. I could have come back at her with a handful of arguments, but given the celebratory mood I was in, I didn’t want to. Instead, I focused on cuddling with Abel. Even though he was still so small, and he had no idea what was going on, I felt as if the two of us had gotten to know one another better lately. We’d stared down death and come out the other side victorious. Of course, the fact that he had been born into our family likely meant that this wouldn’t be his last close call. He wasn’t even out of the hospital yet and already I was hoping that he would choose a better life. I understood now why my father had hoped the same thing for his children. Unfortunately, none of us had listened.

“Can I drive home?” I asked as Mom and I headed outside about an hour later.

She seemed to contemplate her answer for a long while before she held out her keys. “Take it easy. If you wreck my Caddy, I’ll kill you.”

I squealed in happiness as I yanked the keys from her slack grip and darted across the parking lot. My heart rate was probably already up where it shouldn’t have been, but I couldn’t help it. I was excited. I had also learned to enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

I pulled up in front of Juice’s place all too quickly. I sighed heavily as I cut the engine, looking up at the faded white house with forest green shutters that occupied the spacious corner lot. Though I still referred to it as ‘Juice’s house,’ I had already come to think of it as home. As long as he would let me stay, I had no intentions of returning to my old apartment.

“Think your heart is up to figuring out where he stands with you?” Mom asked. She was staring out the passenger window at the house. Juice’s bike was nowhere to be seen, so I knew that he wasn’t home.

“I know where he stands,” I informed her in a soft tone. “I’m afraid of it. What if we take this step and he figures out just how fucked up I am? What if he doesn’t want me anymore? He’s my best friend,” I heard the pain in my own whisper. “I don’t know who I would be able to turn to if I ever lost him.”

“You’d have me,” she said, patting my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me. “You’d have all of us.”

I shook my head, my lips lifting in a fake smile. “I might have you, but everyone else would probably be saying ‘I told you so’ to Juice after. I know they love me, but they see me as family. They don’t skim over my flaws and my issues the way someone who’s in love with me would.”

“And you don’t think that someone who’s shared a bed with you for five weeks would have noticed that you’re not perfect? He knows, Lexi. He knows everything about you,” she pointed out. “And I think deep down, he even knows the way that you feel about him.”

“I don’t even know how I feel about him,” I argued. “I mean, I like him, but I don’t know if I love him. What if I never love him?”

“How will you ever find out if you never try?”

I sighed, knowing that she was right. “Okay, okay. I’ll talk to him. I hate it when you’re right.”

“Tell me about it,” she agreed with a smile. “No daughter likes it when her mother knows best.”

I unbuckled my seatbelt and got out of the car. Mom did the same, walking around to my side so that she could drive her own car home. I hugged her tightly. “Thanks, Mom. I don’t know how I’d get through all of this without all of your support.”

“Anytime, baby. I’ve been through it; I know how it feels.”

We broke apart as we heard the slow approach of another vehicle. I couldn’t help but feel confused as I saw a police cruiser pull up and park behind Mom’s Cadillac. I noticed that Mom remained by my side as Unser and Hale, the local sheriff and deputy, respectively, got out and headed our way.

“Morning, ladies,” Unser said with a polite nod.

“You’re a hard woman to track down,” Hale added. Mom and I looked at one another, both wondering who he was referring to. “Alexis,” he clarified, noticing our confusion.

“I’m really not that hard to track down, actually. I’m always either here or at the hospital,” I contradicted him smartly.

“Gemma,” Unser addressed my mother, ignoring the exchange between myself and his deputy. “Would you mind following us down to the station? She’ll need a ride home shortly.”

“Wait, what?” I held up my hands for silence. “Am I being arrested?”

“Yes,” Hale said.

“No,” Unser corrected him, shooting the younger man a warning glance. “We just need to bring you in for a few questions. We have reason to believe that you might know something about a case in the city. Come on, you’re riding with us.”

I noticed that Hale was pulling his handcuffs from their pouch on his belt. “Really?” I asked him incredulously. “I’m coming willingly. Please don’t make me wear those.”

“It’s policy,” he informed me, using the same smart tone I’d used moments before.

I sighed, holding out my wrists. “Fine, but if you make them as tight as you did the last time I got arrested, I’m pressing charges.”

“The last time you got arrested was the time that I took you in?” he seemed shocked. “Really? You were in high school then.”

“What can I say? I know how to keep my nose clean now.”

Mom, who already had her back to the officers as she climbed into her car, shot me a wink as she heard me lie right to their faces.