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*Oli P.O.V*

This is torture. Not being able to have something that kept you the happiest for so long. It tears you apart. And it’s not even only that is it? Because once you lose that one thing, that’s when you really do begin to see how perfect and necessary they are. Every little thing that went unnoticed before is suddenly amplified. Every time you see memories or little snippets of things play back in your head, you can see everything. Every little perfect thing they did.

I need him. Its only now, in this extreme, that I've realised that he is the only thing that has help me up. I’m not totally dependent on him, but without him, I’m miserable at best. When my sister passed away, he was the only person there, the only one that fully cared. The only one that wanted to help, help me get better again after I slipped.

Now I feel like I’m back at square one. I don’t think I can handle this. He was my distraction, the one thing that kept my mind from the negative. Josh taught me to see the good things in life, in a very short amount of time. He too had been through a lot; I think losing your mother could be one of the worse things to be put through. But Josh made the best of life, and I was just starting to do the same, but now it’s all gone.

I had nothing to stop me now. Just knowing I had that power once again is pretty scary. In fact I’m almost afraid of myself, afraid of what I could now do that all I had is gone. I had nowhere to go over summer, nobody to talk to. I am alone. I had to stay at the dorms; I couldn't go back to my Mum’s house. Jessica died there, in her room. It would haunt me even more than it does now. I didn't want to be near anybody but josh.

~~~

Back at the dorm, I searched high and low until I found it. The only thing I had left. I really did try and get rid of them for Josh, honestly, but I couldn't help but keep them. They were there when nobody else was; they helped me relieve the pain that I felt back then. It had been so long since I’d last done anything like this, the thoughts hadn't even crossed my mind anymore. They hadn't needed too, I was happy.

I picked one of the shiny pieces of metal out of the box they had been contained in for so long. Part of me was trying to decide whether this was really worth it. It’s hard, having done it before but also giving it up. Half of you thinks it’s stupid and you know all it does is cause more pain but the other half doesn't care and thinks of it as a form of relief.

After what seems like eternity, I make up my mind. I needed this; I needed to get rid of the pain and loneliness. I pulled back my sleeve to reveal a pale arm. Old scars litter my skin, pulling old memories to my head. I laugh quietly to myself; I always knew I’d resort back to my old ways. The cold blade slid harshly over my skin as I brought it across my arm. The stinging sensation finally made it up to my brain. Comfort creeped through my senses as I brought it to my arm once more, a little deeper than the first. As the blood dripped down my arm, so did my feelings.

There’s no going back now, because once you've started, it’s like a never ending cycle. That’s until it finally gets too bad and then it’s all over. Maybe that’s the way I want to be heading, because if I can’t be with Josh, I don’t want to be here.