Almost Said It

After a year of ups and downs, it was over. But it wasn't a typical breakup for James and I because we had stayed friends.

James and I have known each other since we were kids in Whitby, but we never started really dating until about a year ago.

It only took us 19 years to figure out we wanted to date each other and then another year after that to realize it wasn't going to work.

I didn't fully agree.

I had a crush on James ever since I was 16 and it continued to grow as he grew in his hockey career. I was relieved when he said he had feelings for me and we finally made it official. Yet, I didn't find it easy to share him with Pittsburgh and it put a strain on everything.

I came inches to telling him I was in love with him, I almost said it. The feelings never stopped, even after the breakup.

It seems typical right? Well, it's not really. I've convinced everyone that I'm over him, even him. Which is why we still stayed close friends.

I'm crazy.

Practice was over, and he was coming by to hang out. It was a regular thing since the breakup three months ago. It was as if nothing happened.

I heard my phone vibrate on the coffee table and his name lit up my phone.

Be there in five. Need anything?

Nope

I received no reply after that but a knock almost exactly five minutes later. I opened the door and he stood there in a penguins hoodie, sweats and a backwards hat, hiding his shaggy black hair, noticeably damp from a recent shower. I could smell it as he leaned in for a hug so I held my breath hoping the butterflies would stop. They didn't.

He fell down on the couch as I disappeared into the kitchen grabbing two waters from the fridge. I stepped into the living room and threw one at him. His quick reflexes showed as he snagged it out of the air easily.

"How's your day going?" He asked.

"Going over lesson plans and planning show and tell for the kids" I replied, sitting opposite him on the chair.

I was a grade one teacher, halfway through my first year. I really enjoyed it, the kids were amazing, it's exactly what I've wanted to do my whole life.

"That's fun" he said grabbing the remote, "seems the job is going good"

I smiled, "I love it"

He looked over and smiled at me and I felt my heart pound. It was a few seconds before he turned his attention back to the tv, flipping mindlessly through the channels. I knew him well enough to know he was thinking and not finding the right channel.

"So how's the lockout treating you?" I asked, resting my legs over the arm of the chair.

He shrugged, "It's okay, getting frustrating"

"Understandable"

He nodded in response, "I'm planning on heading back to Toronto sometime soon to get some training in"

"Maybe I can come with. Maybe go to Whitby for a weekend"

He nodded, "Sure thing. I'll let you know"

It was 11pm on a Saturday night and he was still here. It wasn't unusual for him to be here late, the nights he did make it over.

He doesn't make it easy for me. I know he doesn't know but I needed him in my life, even if it did mean I had to hide how I felt.

It made him happy to just have hockey. He didn't need the added stress. I only wanted him to be happy, no matter how much I missed him.

"You okay?" He asked, noticing me lost in thought.

I shook my head and looked at him, "Yah I'm good. Just school stuff" I smiled and stood up to go to the kitchen to take a breath, shaking out the thoughts. I returned back to the room and he was leaned forward on the couch scrolling through his phone and as he went to text something, he smiled and my heart sank.

I knew what that smile meant.

I cleared my throat gently to let him know I was back and he looked up at me and set down his phone.

"Who are you talking to?" I asked.

"It's no one" he replied. He slowly sat back and avoided any kind of eye contact and then I knew my suspicions were right, "I've known you for twenty years James, that wasn't nothing. I'm a big girl, you won't hurt my feelings"

"I've been talking to someone" he said it like he was ripping off a band aid.

My heart sank more and I swallowed but I kept my composure. I sat down next to him and kept my eyes on the tv, his eyes were on me, "What's her name?"

"Does it matter?"

"I thought we were best friends. You know you can tell me anything"

I didn't want to know.

"It's Tanner Glass' sister, Shayna"

Of course. A players sister.

"Good, she seems nice. I met her with a bunch of the wives, girlfriends and sisters for a charity dinner last year" the thought pained her, they were together then.

He nodded but didn't answer, and I looked up at him.

"Why are you fretting over this, you like her, right?"

"I do"

Ouch.

"Then don't let me stop you. We're friends Jay. A year of dating over twenty years of friendship will not change anything"

He sighed with relief and leaned in for a hug. He squeezed me tightly and held on for a moment before letting go, "Thank you" he said.

"What are friends for?"