Almost Said It

It was an evening to myself. I was working on some things for class for the morning and sipping on a glass of wine when I heard a knock on the door, “Sam, can we talk?”

I had the iTunes on my laptop on shuffle and turned it down slightly before saying anything.
I knew James would come sooner or later. It had been a couple of days since the double date and I had been ignoring most of his calls because I was angry with him.

“You have a key” was all I said, which was his invitation in. I sat back with the glass of wine in my hand, “What can I do for you?”

“I want to apologize” he said. His eyes were tired, his hair was no messier than it usually was, messy like he made it to be, and he looked nervous, avoiding eye contact.

“Okay”

“I’m sorry” he said, “I don’t know what’s come over me. I’m distracted, on edge and I’ve been taking it out on you and Matt and I’m sorry”

I felt a bit of relief, but I could tell something was still bothering him, “What’s wrong? Why are you so on edge?”

He shrugged, “I don’t know. I feel this pressure with Shayna, to be perfect. I don’t think she means to make me feel like that, but I guess I’m just jealous that you and Matt seem so…relaxed”

I sighed, “You shouldn’t be competing for her affections. She already chose you James” I stood up and set my glass on the table, standing closer to him now, “You shouldn’t feel like you have to constantly be perfect, not if she really cares about you and you really care about her.” I paused for a moment, “And I know she cares about you”

It went quiet, and for a moment all I could hear was the music on my computer. It wasn’t loud, but I knew what song had come on.

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you, and everything that you do…

It had always been my favorite song, and it had become one of our songs when we were together. I had listened to it multiple times after we broke up. It wasn’t something that was hard to listen to because James and I had stayed friends. But for a moment the song played in the silence, and I looked over at my computer as it played and then I turned to him and he seemed to be stuck in a moment. A memory.

Your skin and bones turn into something beautiful, you know I love you so…

Suddenly his eyes fixed on mine, the moment “I love you so” came out and I felt my heart drop and I turned to my computer and turned the song off. It stayed silent and he was looking at the floor but he was searching for something, or remembering something.

“That’s your favorite song” he finally said.

I nodded, “It is”

“I remember one day, we were taking a drive and it came on one of the playlists you made for me. You dubbed it our song, because it was your favorite. You sang through the entire song while it played and you were absolutely terrible and off key but I listened anyways”

I wasn’t facing him at this point, I was facing the computer, staring down at the wine in my glass. I felt my hands shake slightly, but I crossed my arms tightly to hide it. I couldn’t answer him because I continued to play the moment in my head. I remembered it.

“I think it was more a memory for me because I just remembered watching you. You were immersed in the song, like it was yours. You had your eyes closed, your head back, so relaxed. I just remember being really happy with you.”

I swallowed hard and then turned to face him but he was looking at the ground, “James, I have a lot to work on for the morning and it’s getting late”

He nodded, “Okay. So are we okay? Do you forgive me?”

I smiled a little, “I do. Thank you for apologizing. I’ll talk to you soon”

He nodded once and then left, quietly shutting the door behind him. I felt my entire body go limp and I fell down on the couch, staring at the iTunes with half of the song still to play. I hit play.

Your skin and bones turn into something beautiful, you know for you I’d bleed myself dry, for you I’d bleed myself dry