A Will to Survive

Lacy reached for the doors handle only to have it thrust open into her shoulder.

“Fuck!” Lacy cried out in pain. The man who ran past her had a name but Lacy couldn’t have told you what it was. He was just one of the faceless people in this group. Lacy reminded herself that when you only know 30 people it shouldn’t be so hard to remember all of their names. She continued into the hall and heard the unmistakable sound of walkers in the cell block. How did they get so far? How did they get in? The locks. The gates. It all seemed so safe. Lacy had her bow ready as she rounded the last corner to the c block.

She immediately shot down a walker who had a firm grasp on a woman’s worn cotton shirt. The woman screamed helplessly as the walker bit into her just before the arrow hit. The walker slumped onto the stairs behind them and the woman fell to the ground pawing hysterically at the wound on her shoulder. Lacy quickly pulled out her arrow from the crumpled walker and looked away as she put the woman down. She didn’t hesitate to ask her name or to comfort her. She knew it was all pointless the woman was dead as soon as the geek’s teeth touched her. As this woman took her last ragged breath Lacy thought only of mercy. Not for herself but for the woman in front of her. The commotion in the cell block seemed to be dyeing down but Lacy continued on looking for any more signs of danger and for Rick who was sure to be at the center of this chaos. As she began checking cells Lacy ran into Glenn coming the opposite way. He looked pale and fragile but his voice was steady.

“LACY! I’m glad to see your okay. There are walkers in the cell blocks.”

“Yeah, I figured that one out for myself.” Lacy replied sarcastically checking another cell with a ready weapon.

“I have to go find the group and make sure they are all safe, I was supposed to tell any stragglers to go back outside and wait for the coast to be clear.” Glenn was clearly hesitating to kick Lacy out.

“I think I’ll be more help here, Go do your job, I’ll keep clearing cells” Lacy closed another cell behind her and turned to face Glenn. He nodded before jogging off in the direction she just came from. The dimly lit stone walls around her seemed so much more menacing without the sounds of its population. The blood here and there and the strewn bodies by the stairs left Lacy with a lump in her throat. It had been a very long time since anywhere had felt like home but this was the closest she had come. Lacy was trying desperately to figure out how a walker could have gotten in.

She was so consumed by her thoughts that she rounded a corner without checking it first and nearly bumped chests with a walker she recognized to be one of their own. She felt strong hands on her shoulders from behind. She was forcefully pulled into a cell and pressed against the cold damp wall. She heard the clanging of the bars as they were slammed behind her. Daryl had a handful of her shirt still tightly in his grasp with his forearm across her collarbones. She could feel the warmth of his body in stark contrast to the wall behind her. A chill ran down her spine causing Lacy to tremble. He pressed his arm against her forcefully holding her to the wall and making her chest hurt.

“Shh!” Daryl whispered aggressively in her ear. His warm breath wasn’t helping her any. The confused walker had lost interest and started ambling away from the cell. Daryl quickly stepped out of the cell and shot it down before returning to Lacy.

“What are ya doin’ Red? Yer gonna get yer self killed!”

“I can handle myself.” Lacy said adjusting her shirt and rubbing her sore collar bones. She was embarrassed to have been rescued by him again. She had gone so long without anyone around to help her, now that there was she just couldn’t accept help without feeling weak.

“Oh yeah? Then why did I just have ta save yer ass.”

“Thanks Daryl. But no one asked you too.” Lacy felt the bite of her words a moment too late and immediately regretted them. There was a shift in Daryl, his shoulders were stiff and he came towards Lacy as if he was going to hit her. Lacy’s breath caught in her throat as she prepared herself for the impact of his punch. She pinched her eyes closed unable to watch the blow coming. Instead he punched the wall above her head sending a loud thud through the cell and leaned over her with furious eyes. His face was a mere inch away from hers as he challenged her with his eyes before turning with a grunt and leaving completely. Lacy’s embarrassment over her carelessness had made her defensive. She yelled out as his footsteps disappeared.

“You missed!”

Lacy ran a hand over her face. Was that mature? Probably not but it was satisfying none the less. Readying her arrow once again Lacy continued on her sweep of the block. Her footsteps made a sound like a cats paws as she walked quickly and lightly on the hard cement. She felt her hair brushing against her back every time she turned. It was times like this that she missed the rubber band she had cut out of her hair when she had first arrived. She didn’t want to be fighting a walker and get blindsided by her long hair. When she finally reached the end of the left side she found a few people gathered in the last cell. If her memory served correct this had been the cell of one of the teenage boys she had seen lurking about with Carl. It had seemed to her that they were always running off somewhere unsupervised. Rick stood alone, the only one inside the cell itself. No one was speaking and there was a long shadow cast over Rick’s shoulders and face. His expression was unreadable in the dark. Outside the cell standing beside her were Herschel and Daryl and on the hard gray floor, now slick with dark blood, just inside the cells doorway was the uncomfortably small body of a walker. Lacy could never get used to the death of a child. Something felt broken inside her mind as she tried to reason what she was witnessing.

“So what happened?” Lacy asked quietly.

“Damn if I know. There’s not a bite on ‘em.” Daryl’s confusion seemed to have pushed their little tiff into the back of his mind. There were more important things happening now that had to be dealt with. There was a threat and no one was going to be able to rest until it was under control neither Daryl nor Lacy would be so dumb as to let an argument get anybody killed. Ricks impending voice came towards Lacy ominously as it echoed off the cells walls making it hard to know where it originated.

“Maybe he was sick and just… died.”

If it weren’t for the light cast on Rick’s lower body she couldn’t have told you where he was standing. Rick bent down now beside the boys head revealing his distressed face. There were strong lines of worry and fatigue all along his features. He carried a weight in his eyes that Lacy couldn’t fathom. He took personally responsibility for every person in the prison and it was clear that this death was hard on him and its unusual circumstances only intensified that. He let his head hang and his eyes close. Herschel shifted his weight around using his crutch as he tried to approach Rick slowly with his bible clutched tightly to his chest. He rethought that and instead getting as close to Rick as he could without entering the cell.

“That seems to be the only explanation. That kind of thing still can happen. We were fortunate to go so long without any serious illness.”

“So what does that mean? He was fine yesterday.” Daryl’s disbelief stemmed from the same place that Lacy’s nausea came from. The body was so skinny, so fragile, and so young. Lacy watched Daryl look away with a flash of something in his eyes that he fought to hide. His tough exterior and walls of protection couldn’t hold in the pain they all felt in the air. Lacy remembered now where else she had seen this boy. He had been hanging around Daryl the past week or so. Daryl had been teaching him about cars and as they worked this kid, Zach, would try and guess what Daryl’s job had been before the turn. He had been guessing every day, always something tough, a cop or a bouncer. Lacy’s stomach sank seeing the resigned look on Daryl’s face. Rick spoke again suddenly with haste and purpose.

“We need to find out who he was with yesterday. See if there are any signs or symptoms that anyone can remember. We need to start quarantining anyone who is sick not just for our own protection but for there’s. We don’t want to start a panic these people are scared enough as it is. Herschel I’m going to ask you to get an official count on who we lost and notify the people closest to them. Daryl I need you to help me clean this mess up. All of us standing here have already been exposed and we can’t risk exposing anyone new so it’s up to us to try and put this place back together. Lacy I want you to wear a mask, a bandanna or something over your mouth and nose to protect the others from getting infected while you round up all the kids and secure them in the warden’s offices and staff rooms over in the end of this wing. We want to keep them completely separated from us for as long as it takes to know this disease or virus is under control. Ask Beth to stay with them and tell her that once she closes the door behind her not to open it until I come to get them.”

Rick made stern eye contact with Lacy. It was obvious he knew something was up between Beth and her, whether he had heard the juicy story or not wasn’t important. He was forcing her to deal with it right then and there by giving her that particular job. Lacy felt her stomach flop over but she said nothing. She wasn’t going to question Rick. She knew that anything he had asked of her was nothing compared to what he had already done for her. She met his still strong eyes again with a resigned respect. He nodded at her and she nodded back. Rick fought against the shake in his hands and the unbearable weight of his heart. The stone in his chest was hard for him to hide but he was determined to give the appearance of hope for his people. If they knew what he had become, that he had given up, then they might give up to. He didn’t want that.

He didn’t wish his pain on anyone. Daryl had figured it out a long time ago. He understood that part of Rick and admired him much more for it. The unspoken bond between them took root in their shared feeling of responsibility. In those moments of understanding a small comfort came to Rick. The knowledge that someone understood him without him having to explain was almost enough to make him feel truly happy at times. Lacy could feel the exchange between Rick and Daryl but had no idea what it meant. There bond was strong and Lacy felt slightly uncomfortable standing with these individuals who seemed to be the three strongest of the group in their own ways. She chose this moment to quietly slink away and brood in her mind over her unfavorable task.

Rick and Daryl watched Herschel leave to be sure his crutch didn’t slip on the blood. Once he was safely on his way out of the prison they worked in silence for a long while rounding up the bodies and bring them to the foot of the stairs where two bodies already laid. Daryl looked closely at one particular body and whistled for Rick to come over.

“Look at that.” Daryl said pointing to the arrow in her head.

“Lacy?” Rick asked looking at Daryl more often than the walker.

“Yeah, but look at her, she’s bite but she aint turned.” Daryl responded

“Lacy, put her down…” Rick said finally understanding, he continued with his forehead creased tightly.

“She didn’t say anything about it; she did a really difficult thing. Not everyone here could have stepped up.” Daryl nodded as Rick spoke with his mouth pulled into a hard line. Lacy’s words rung in his ears still ‘you missed’. An incredible guilt spread through him. He had never intended to hurt her, never even considered laying a hand on her but he had made her think he would. He had taken it too far and lost control. Her rejection of his help had made him feel unimportant and worthless. The one thing of value that he provided was protection. If he could manage to do that, if he could keep these people alive then he might feel like he’s worth something. Now he knew what had been on her mind, what had stopped her from being as careful as she should have been. She had just taken a life. Rick spoke again.

“I like your new apparel” Rick looked from Daryl to his wrist guard. Daryl just grunted in response still spinning around in his mind how on earth he was going to apologize.

“How did you get it?” He prompted again. Daryl sat back on the balls of his heels with his elbows draped over his knees that were in front of his chest. He gave Rick his attention now.

“Traded Lacy a coyote pelt for it.” Ricks lip twitched towards a smile at the idea of the barter system but the smirk didn’t stick. It couldn’t today.

“Where’d she find a thing like that?” Rick didn’t know where Lacy had come from exactly just that it wasn’t this state. He was trying to imagine where she could have found such an odd thing.

“She made it.” Daryl replied catching Rick’s full attention.

“Well if that aint the sweetest thing I’ve heard all week I don’t know what is.” Rick poked at Daryl.

“Shut up” Daryl spit back with much less venom then he had intended.

“Ya know Laurie made me a scrap book once. I think it was my favorite gift she ever gave me because it was so… her. It was from her heart but I guess all art is from the heart. I don’t know really, I was never very good at it.”

“It’s not the same thing.” Daryl responded becoming a little annoyed. When Rick said nothing Daryl continued.

“She made me this because she wanted the Coyote pelt, that’s all. Aint nothin’ cutesy about it.”

“If you say so” Rick replied with his hands up in surrender.

“Just one last thing though.” Rick started.

“If today is going to make you think about anything, think about how short life is and ask yourself if being too scared to speak up is worth never knowing the answer.” Rick didn’t say what he was referring to but they both knew he meant Daryl’s growing affection for Lacy. Daryl’s face felt hot and he grew angry with embarrassment. He himself hadn’t even decided how he felt yet and Rick was standing there and talking like it was already too late. Like his mind was made up for him. Daryl was done chatting and the conversation halted entirely for the rest of the time they spent cleaning up the cell block.

Lacy caught glimpses of the women she had put down earlier. Sometimes in the corner of her eye she thought she saw her standing nearby. She kept her eyes forward now to avoid those sightings; she couldn’t deal with that right now. It wasn’t the first time she had to do something like that but it was the first time she had to do it without having time to cope. Lacy was wandering around the front court yard looking for Beth. Lacy figured it would be best to sort out their situation first and then round up the kids together. She spotted Beth holding Judith and talking to Maggie a few feet ahead. When the girls noticed her approach Maggie quickly disappeared. Beth walked right up to Lacy with vigor. Beth disregarded the bandanna Lacy wore tied over the over half of her face to determined to say what was on her mind to ask about it.

“Where were you?” Beth demanded bouncing Judith a little too fast. Lacy couldn’t meet her eyes.

“I had to sort something’s out. I’m sorry.”Lacy felt the fabric heavily against her face as it grew moist from her speech. It was difficult to breath freely in the Georgia air with it on. Beth shook her head making the curls that framed her face bounce.

“You can’t do that. You can’t just leave.” Beth’s voiced seemed too small to be so strong.

“I know. I just, I didn’t know what else to do. I thought if I was away at least I couldn’t cause any more trouble.” This wasn’t the way Lacy planned to have this conversation. She felt so little in Beth’s eyes like a child caught misbehaving. Her mind flickered to Maggie and wondered what she thought of this. There was no doubt Beth had talked to her about it.

“I was looking for you and when this all started happening I didn’t know if you were alive. I didn’t know if you knew what was going on. You could have been trapped and alone and no one would have known where to find you. I kept waiting for you to come out of the prison or show up in this field.” Beth’s concern only made Lacy feel guiltier. She didn’t think she deserved to be cared about right now. She had hurt Beth and she had upset Daryl. She seemed to be worsening every situation and alienating herself from the only people she had.

“I was helping clear out the cell block and pissing Daryl off. I’m pretty good at that.” Lacy was counting the blades of grass growing from a crack in the asphalt of the driveway.

“Look at me!” Beth nearly shouted. Lacy met Beth’s piercing blue stare now and Beth continued on.

“I know you’re embarrassed. I’m embarrassed too. You have to stop this; you can’t pretend you don’t care about us. Just because your new here doesn’t mean you aren’t one of us. It doesn’t mean we don’t love you too. Don’t push us away because you’re too scared to lose us.” Beth glared at Lacy and waited for a response. Lacy didn’t know what to say. Beth was right. She could see through Lacy completely.

“I’m sorry.” Lacy repeated. She couldn’t find anything else inside herself to give. She wanted Beth to forgive her but she didn’t know what Beth was looking for. Beth sighed heavily rocking Judith more gently now. The child was fast asleep luckily.

“None of it matters anymore, I’m just glad you’re okay. We need you now more than ever, you’re strong Lacy you just don’t see it yet.” Lacy didn’t feel strong so she brushed the comment off and changed the topic to more pressing matters. A certain feeling of resolution had been achieved and there was a lot to do still.

“Rick wants you and I to take all the kids to the Wardens office and quarantine them all until this blows over.”

“Quarantine?” Beth asked with her eyebrows pulled together. She looked now at the red fabric over Lacy’s mouth seemingly connecting the dots.

“Your dad thinks that a virus killed one of our own. That’s how this all started. He turned and then bit some people. No one expected a threat from the inside. We weren’t prepared. We have to keep all the kids away from the rest of us until we know who is sick and have this all under control. He also asked that you stay in there with them. To take care of them I guess. He doesn’t want you to open the doors for anyone but him.” Beth listened intently and stayed quiet for a long while.

“Alright.” She said finally. Lacy and Beth began walking together towards Carl motioning for him to come meet them. Lacy wasn’t even sure how many kids there were here or how long it would take to find them all but they had to work quickly so that Lacy could go back to Rick to help sort this all out before nightfall.

With C-block livable again Daryl made his way out into the far field with his black bandanna tied around his face. He was alone finally, as he dug graves for his friends yet again. There were others buried out in this field. Daryl looked over at them as he caught his breath. He whipped the sweat off his forehead and began digging again. It wasn’t worth mourning them all again. All the weeds in the field had strong roots and made it difficult to dig but it had to be done before nightfall. So much had to be done before nightfall these days. Without electricity it was impossible to do much of anything at night, besides that it just wasn’t safe.

Daryl didn’t want to think about the people he was digging for. He didn’t want to think about their bodies waiting to be buried. Instead he found himself thinking about Lacy and what Rick had said. Was it really worth never knowing? Daryl knew that they were all living on borrowed time. Everyday could be their last but he just wasn’t a ‘seize the moment’ guy. He didn’t know how to stop over thinking it all and let his guard down. He spent so many years building that guard up taking it down seemed like an invitation for pain. He remembered her face earlier when he had pulled her into the cell.

How could he try and explain to her what he felt if he kept behaving like that? How could he explain it to her if he didn’t even understand it? It seemed so ridiculous to him to be worrying about this but he couldn’t get her out of his mind. The way she walked and the spark in her eyes. She radiated an inviting air that drew people to her without seeming to want it. She was like Rick in that way. He threw aside more dark soil as the hole he stood in grew larger. She was a lone wolf like him a pack animal that didn’t fit. She wasn’t like anyone he had ever known before the outbreak.

It was strange how this new world brought out these odd and strong people. Everyone in the group was a survivor. No matter how weak they may seem or feel every one of them was a survivor. Daryl had a feeling that like him, Lacy had been a survivor long before the outbreak. Both of them had already been tainted when things turned bad. They were better off never having as much to lose in the first place. He made up his mind to go talk to her when he finished here if there was anything he didn't want to lose in his whole life it was the people he had found here. He refused to think about it any further lest he talk himself out of it or consider her rejection and the impending loss it would mean. This was the last hole he had to dig and he was feeling the ache in his spine and neck with every stab of the shovel. If he didn’t collapse before he got to talk to her tonight he would be surprised.