A Will to Survive

“Drowning in a sea of darkness

Trying just to swim

Spinning and directionless

Won’t let myself give in

There has to be some solution

In desperate need of air

Grasping at a resolution lost in my despair

Panicking, I have to do this

How do I know what’s right

I look to God and pray to Jesus

That I made a worth fight

I shed a tear but no one sees it

Without an ounce of light

Is there a way that I can make it?

Oh Jesus hold me tight”

Lacy furiously scribbled inside the journal Daryl had given here yesterday after retrieving it from the roof. She let her mind drift back to her nightmare the one that had caused all her troubles of late. She thought Beth and her religious upbringing , she envied Beth’s faith after being given so much proof that if there was a god, he sure as hell doesn’t care about them. She knew the only way she could move on was to let it all out on paper like she had been taught by her counselors back in the day.

Lacy closed the book tucking the pen she used inside as she did. The movement in the corner of her eye brought her back from her minds corridors quickly. Rick stood before her looking weathered and tired. He had been out in the fields farming all morning. Despite all that was still unfolding in the aftermath of yesterday’s tragedies he still had duties to attend to. He held out an arrow to her. Lacy looked at it confused. She wondered how he had gotten it.

“I know what you had to do.” Rick said to her mysteriously, still holding out her arrow. The woman’s face came back to Lacy now. Her dark hair matting under the blood that poured from her shoulder. The pain on her face before Lacy had put her out of her misery. Lacy silently took the arrow from Rick. She hadn’t intended to tell anyone about that. She thought it was better they think of her as another victim of the walkers then of one of their own. She wasn’t sure how everyone would react knowing what Lacy had done. She realized now that she had forgotten her arrow in her rush to find out what was happening. Lacy waited to hear what Rick had to say.

“I know it must have been hard to do and I just wanted to say thank you for stepping up and taking care of what was necessary. For being hear for the group. We need strong people. People like you. It’s hard for us all here, everyday is harder and you’re one of us now. You’ve proven to me, to all of us that you can be trusted.” Rick sighed heavily before continuing.

“We all carry burdens, pains, traumas. It’s a heavy weight to carry but you don’t have to do it alone. I understand what you’re going through, Daryl understands, Carol, Glenn, Tyreese, Herschel. Everyone here knows what it’s like to be where you are. You might not be ready right now but you can talk to us. You can be part of this family.” Rick looked at Lacy for some sign of understanding. He wanted her to feel valuable and appreciated. Lacy reeled in the emotions she was feeling. She wasn’t expecting when she joined this group to feel the way she did now. She didn’t know that people like this still existed out there. The bandits and crook and evil men she had encountered up until now had taught her otherwise but she had found this group of good loving people and they had accepted her. Lacy rubbed her eyelids with her thumbs.

“Thank you Rick, I had to do some awful things on the road. I met some bad people. I didn’t know men like you still existed. I just haven’t adjusted yet.” Rick nodded his head accepting that as enough of an answer. Lacy had been keeping her distance all day, it’s what had lead Rick to come and speak to her in the first place. Now Lacy took the opportunity to get some information about the status of the prison.

“How is everyone holding up?”

“They’ve been better.” Rick answered softly.

“We have two people who are sick, Karen and David. It seems that coughing and fatigue are the warning signs.” Lacy listened closely picturing Tyreese’s girlfriend Karen in her mind. Karen was sweet, the few times Lacy had directly interacted with her had been pleasant enough. Lacy rested her head on her hand before asking almost like a child.

“Are they going to die too?” Rick had a bandana that he continually wrapped and unwrapped around his hand. He looked around the area before exhaling and answering.

“I don’t know, Herschel and Bob are looking through the books they have and going through all of our medical supplies deciding how best to try and help them. We don’t know yet if you CAN get better once you’ve got it. Karen and David are on bed rest and are off in a separate area of the prison.”

“Fuck man” Lacy replied playing with the arrow she still held.

“Have you seen Daryl today?” Rick asked Lacy.

“No, not since I saw you all at the cell yesterday. Why?” Rick stood up straight preparing to leave.

“I just thought he would be with you, I haven’t seen him all day.” Lacy shook her head. She had no idea where he was or why Rick thought he would be with her. The last time they had spoke hadn’t gone so well.

“I honestly just thought he was avoiding me. We had a bit of a disagreement yesterday.” Lacy remembered his kindness on the roof as she looked at her journal in her lap. Then she remembered her let scuff with him in the cell block all because he was trying to protect her. She kicked herself again.

“Daryl’s a stubborn one. He has a good heart he just doesn’t know it.” Rick saw a lot of similarities in Lacy and Daryl he saw how she wandered off alone. How she held everything in and kept quietly to herself most of the time. He also saw how she continued to bring her A game at the first hint of trouble. He saw how she survived. Lacy chuckled a little.

“I don’t know what he is; I’ve never met a man like him.” Lacy didn’t mean for that to sound as wistful as it came out. She blushed a little when her own voice reached her ears.

“If there’s one thing I can say about Daryl it’s that he is fiercely loyal. He is reliable in that sense. When he cares about someone he will care about them until the day he dies.” Rick didn’t say anymore he just turned and walked back in the direction he had come from. Lacy watched his figure grow smaller with distance as she mulled over that thought. What had Rick meant? She tucked her arrow back into the quiver with the rest of them momentarily scolding herself for not retrieving it in the first place. She couldn’t even look when she launched it. She couldn’t have gone back to pull it free. Lacy thought for a moment about where Daryl could go that would be hidden from Rick. Then it occurred to her that she knew exactly where he was.

Lacy stood outside now looking up at the ledge of the roof. The pipe she needed to climb was to her left and she whistled three notes. There was no answer. She looked again at the chipping paint on the pipe and wondered for a moment if she had been wrong in thinking he would come back here to hide. Lacy decided to trust her gut and call out to him.

“What’s it going to be Redneck? Are you coming down or am I Coming up?” Lacy remembered what Daryl had said to her when they had been in reversed roles. She waited for another moment recalling her own silence the day before. It was a strange sort of déjà vu she felt. Smirking a little she aimed her bow upwards picturing in her mind where she had been sitting the day before then aiming a foot or so to the right. She let her arrow sore through the air in a high ark so it would lose momentum and tinker as it landed on the solid rock of the roof.

“Was I close?” Lacy did her best Daryl impression as her smile grew a little bigger.

“Ya aim like a girl.” That was the only response that drifted down to her ears. Lacy began her climb up to the roof top feeling flakes of blue gray paint falling off the rusted metal to the ground below. Lacy saw Daryl sitting with his elbows on his knees slowly turning her arrow between his fingers.

“Ricks been looking for you, He thought I’d know where you were. I didn’t realize that I knew until after I talked to him.”

“So he don’t know I’m up here?” Daryl asked, the muscles in his arms flexing as he rotated the arrow between his thumb and index finger repeatedly. Lacy shook her head no in response. Daryl grunted approval looking down at the roof top surface. They waited a moment in silence.

“So why are you up here?” Lacy decided to ask right off the bat.

“Just needed some space, didn’t want ta go too far, case yall had any casualties needed tendin’.” Lacy knew Daryl had been designated grave digger. She hadn’t known though that is seemed to bother him. That sort of a task would be enough to break anyone’s spirits but someone like Daryl seemed the type to brush it off. Lacy wasn’t sure what to say to that so she just looked out over the field and the yellowish green grass to the fresh dirt graves marked only with wooden crosses. It was a while before ether of them said anything else. Lacy wasn’t sure why she didn’t leave she stayed though and after a while Daryl spoke again.

“How come yer always hanging around me?” Daryl’s question was blunt and harsh sounding but when Lacy looked at his face she saw something vulnerable. Daryl’s interest in spending time with Lacy had long surpassed carrying out Ricks orders. There was no point pretending that he wasn’t making the decision all on his own to be with her whenever possible. She made him feel comfortable, relaxed. He knew she could take care of herself and he knew he could take care of himself so when they were together there wasn’t as much worrying involved. Lacy pondered for a moment before deciding how to respond to Daryl’s question. Her blood was pumping hard as she cleared her throat.

“Well, I like your company.” She stated simply.

“Why?” He asked flatly again his icy blue eyes boring into her from a dark and dirt smeared face.

“I don’t know why, maybe it’s because you’re quiet like me. You don’t stress me out.” Lacy rolled her dry tongue around in her mouth. She was growing nervous now. ‘Maybe he does stress you out’ Lacy thought but she knew that wasn’t true. She kind of liked the butterflies and nervousness she sometimes felt with him. It wasn’t the same kind of stress she felt talking to the others. The sun was brighter today then the day before which seemed impossible. Lacy wondered how plants could grow here without baking to crisps by noon each day. The heat felt like waves rolling off of her body. A bead of sweat rolled down Lacy’s neck and she didn’t bother to wipe it away.

“I was never gonna hurt ya, ya know?” Daryl’s voice was very soft now, almost too soft to hear. Lacy recalled the moment when she had squeezed her eyes closed. When she was certain he would throw a solid punch at her. This was it. The conversation had to happen but Lacy felt herself shrinking away from it. She was to blame for this, just like she was to blame with Beth. Lacy almost wished he had hit her.

“I was asking for it anyhow.” Lacy brushed off his comment.

“No ya weren’t.” Daryl’s voice was stronger as he sat up straight and looked her dead in the eyes.

“Don’t say that. Aint no man that ever mounted to anythin’ hit his woman. I was mad but I would a never hurt ya.” Neither of them acknowledged the phrase ‘his woman’ when Daryl had been talking about her. Lacy heard it and her heart had skipped a beat but she immediately shut it down telling herself it was just a mistake. She told herself he hadn’t meant to compare her to a girlfriend.

“I was just embarrassed that I had needed your help, but I did need it and I’m glad you were there.” Lacy quickly said. She let go deciding just to be honest with herself. Say out loud what she knew was true. Daryl looked like he wanted to say something but neither of them said anything for another long moment. Daryl’s mind was spinning in circles he was praying passionately that she hadn’t noticed what he had said to her last. He wasn’t ready to tell her how he felt but he had almost let it slip just then. She hadn’t commented but he couldn’t know for sure what was going on in her head. Daryl remembered again what Rick had said to him. Was it worth never knowing? Daryl sighed and flopped backwards onto the roof top. He was laying flat and keeping his eyes closed from the blinding light directly over head. He draped on arm over his eyes heavily. He didn’t know how to do this. He barely knew before the world changed in this new setting anything was possible. How do you go about explaining to someone that you have feelings for them when you’ve only just met them? He chastised himself, things happened to quickly in this world for his tastes. You got thrown into a couple of bad situations and you find out really quickly who’s got your back.

Next to him he heard the sounds of Lacy lowering herself down so she too was facing the sky. Looking at the world from that perspective was unusual. She spent so much time looking around her for threats that she hardly ever had a chance to lie down and face the sky these days. There was nothing in the sky that showed what had happened to the earth. No sign that so much had changed. This could have been the very same sky over a family party or a first date. Lacy took a deep breath in and focus on the feeling of the sun’s heat on her skin. Lacy heard movement so she shielded her eyes with her hand and opened them to see what was going on around her. Daryl was sitting up now looking at her with a scowl that bore into her with a force. Lacy quickly and awkwardly sat up as well confused about the sudden shift in his mannerisms. Only a moment ago he had seemed fine.

“Why do you like Beth?” Daryl asked out of the blue.

“What? I don’t know she’s just kind. She has something that most the rest of us don’t anymore. Gentleness.” Lacy felt cornered. She didn’t think she needed to explain herself to him.

“What good’s bein’ gentle? Aint nobody bein’ gentle on me.” Daryl countered Lacy.

“That’s why it’s so endearing; it’s much harder and beauteous to remain gentle when all you know is violence.” Daryl didn’t have a response for that. He waited a moment stricken by the words Lacy used. He wondered briefly if she had written in the journal yet and if she would ever read anything she had written to him. Lacy spoke again.

“You should probably go make sure what Rick needs isn’t important.” Lacy’s tone said that she was no longer going to talk about Beth with him. She was uncomfortable with his aggression about it. She wasn’t sure what he thought of her since finding out about Beth. He certainly didn’t seem to like it Lacy just wasn’t sure why. Daryl shoved off the ground quickly with a grunt and was over the ledge climbing down the pipe in a short moment. He suddenly wanted to be far away from Lacy and very distracted. Both of those things could be provided by Rick.
Entering the prison and having to adjust to the darkness inside Daryl blinked rapidly at the spots of brightness in his vision. He was certain that there was something to do to help out. All Daryl wanted to avoid was getting stuck taking care of the sick people. That was just something he knew he wouldn’t be good at it. Daryl was in the prison now walking towards where Rick slept. He had left Lacy behind without a word and now he wondered whether she was still on the roof or not. Luckily Rick was sitting in his cell when Daryl approached. Daryl involuntarily checked Rick’s appearance for signs of being sick before speaking to him.

“Hey” Daryl said in a deep scruffy rasp.

“Finally decided to show your face?” Rick asks with a slight jab at Daryl for his absence.

“Needed to clear my head” Daryl explained with conflict still in his chest.

“I wanted to talk to you about going out on a run for medical supplies. More people are beginning to appear sick. We won’t be able to stop this from killing all of us unless we get some more medicine and quick. Herschel says there’s a veterinarian’s college a little ways a way that has things we can use. It’s our best bet and other people might not have thought to loot it.” Daryl listened closely Rick was leaning close to him as he talked urgently detailing what he expected the trip to be like. He said it would take maybe two days to get there and back.

“So ya want me ta go? Who else?” Daryl asked with curiosity.

“You decide.” Rick handed off the decision making power whenever possible. Daryl left the cell now shouting over his shoulder

“Try not to die 'fore I get back.”

Daryl hand rounded up a group to go with him to the college. A damn good group in his opinion. He had decided on bringing Michonne, who seemed to be back at the prison for good now and was about as useful as a Swiss army knife when it came to surviving, she could do it all. Tyreese, who was passionate about helping everyone who was sick including his girlfriend Karen. Bob, the only person among them who would be able to tell the difference between helpful medicine and useless junk now that kaleb was taking care of the ill. They couldn’t bring Herschel so Bob would be the one to make sure they loaded up all of their bags with only things they could use now or in the future. There was no use carrying back a bunch of viles that the college had used to euthanize animals and it would only take up space that could be used by something more valuable. There was only one person left that Daryl really wanted to bring along. He quickly trotted around the fields outside assuming that he would find Lacy there. When he didn’t he quickly looked for Beth remembering a moment later that she was locked up in the prison with all the rug rats.

“Eh! Maggie!” Daryl shouted as soon as he spotted her up ahead talking to Glenn before going on to daytime watch duty. Daryl thought for a moment about how he always seemed to end up on night watch, rarely did he get a day shift. Maggie looked over her shoulder to see Daryl quickly trotting up to her and Glenn. She greeted him with a small smile.

“Xena, ya seen Red around anywhere?” Maggie smiled slightly at the warrior nickname. She didn’t feel like a warrior, she felt helpless with this new threat in their home. She cleared her throat from the emotions that where creeping up.

“I saw her not that long ago eating in the cafeteria.” There was a look of slight disapproval in Maggie’s eyes but she didn’t say anything to explain it. She lovingly squeezed Glenn’s hand before looking between him and Daryl and then departing silently.

“She alright?” Daryl asked still watching Maggie leave.

“Yeah, she’s just worried about her dad.” Glenn was looking pale and tired. Daryl sized him up before saying.

“You should take a nap or somethin’ ya look like shit.” Glenn chuckled a little and touched fists with Daryl.

“Nah, man there’s too much to do.” He retreated now and Daryl was back onto his mission of finding Lacy so he could get going on this run as soon as possible. Reentering the prison Daryl spotted a heated conversation between Tyreese and Rick who were hurriedly walking in the direction of Karen and David. Daryl’s stomach dropped and he quickly darted to catch up to them. Tyrees needed to come with him anyway so whatever this issue was it needed to be sorted out quickly. Daryl only caught up to them as they reached the end of the hallway that had been housing the two Ill camp mates. They had passed the rooms and Daryl didn’t miss the streaks of what looked like blood along the floor leading to the door. Daryl received a nod from Rick as he came up alongside him. All three men burst into the light of day out a door Daryl had never really used before. The smell of burning flesh hit his nose and his stomach turned. This smell was one that had become all too familiar, this time though it lacked a certain stench that was unique to walkers. This time it just smelled like people. In front of them on the ground laid two smoldering bodies clearly those of David and Karen. Daryl lifted a hand to cover his mouth and nose, the air out here was putrid and the beating sun had only worsened the smell. Daryl and Rick were momentarily without words while Tyreese was shaking with anger.

“Who did this!? Who murdered them!?” He demanded answers as his mind visibly tried to reason what he had discovered.

“Somebody dragged them out here and burned them like trash!”He yelled when neither Rick nor Daryl had answered his first questions. Rick laid a hand on Tyreese’s shoulder.

“Calm down, we can figure this out.” Tyreese turned quickly getting into Ricks face their noses nearly touching. Tyreese had to bend down a bit to do so, He was taller than Rick by at least a few inches.

“We need to find who did this! I won’t sleep until we do.” Tyreese was looming over Rick aggressively. Daryl put a hand on Tyreese’s shoulder trying to draw him back a bit before things escalated any further. Tyreese over flowed with anger and shoved Daryl into the stone wall behind him. Daryl’s back throbbed slightly at the impact his spine made with the rough stones his feet lifting ever so slightly off the ground. Daryl put a hand up when Rick came to his aid still pinned between Tyreese and the wall. Daryl wasn’t going to fight back unless he had too. He knew how much pain Tyreese was feeling if he needed to let off some steam shove some people around then alright he could handle that. He heard Rick from behind Tyreese’s heaving chest.

“Come on Tyreese, Karen wouldn’t want you being like this.” In a flash Daryl was freed from the wall and Rick was on the ground. Tyreese had thrown a hard right hook drawing blood immediately. Rick didn’t want to fight just like Daryl didn’t want to fight but Tyreese threw another hard punch then something changed. Rick became something Daryl had never seen before. He was an animal, Tyreese was much bigger than him but with every punch Rick took Tyreese down. Quickly the tables turned and what was once the group trying to calm Tyreese became Daryl trying to keep Rick from killing Tyreese.

“RICK!” Daryl yelled edging around the skirt of the fight. Daryl needed to get though to him. Tyreese was on the ground now; Rick had a hand on his shirt and was repeatedly punching him in the face.

“RICK!” Daryl tried again sweeping in to pull Rick off of Tyreese who was blubbering and bleeding on the ground. Ricks hand was visibly injured from the force of the punches he had been throwing. Ricks labored breathing and the soft sobs of Tyreese were the only noises around them. Daryl momentarily wondered if he could even bring Tyreese with him on the run or if he would be too injured to be of any help. Shoving Rick back into the prison Daryl decided not to let these two men near each other at the moment. Rick quickly retreated to tend to his mangled hand and bloody nose but not before he turned those crazed eyes on Daryl for a long moment. Daryl didn’t shrink away from his gaze instead he reached out and put his hand around the back of Rick’s neck leaning towards him to touch foreheads. He didn’t have words to say but he thought to himself ‘its okay, your okay.’ Almost as if he had heard those thoughts Rick gave Daryl a nod and went on his way. Daryl thought about going back outside to help Tyreese but he decided against it. Tyreese had been out of control. Daryl might not have handled the situation the way Rick did but he was going to back Rick up no matter what.

Tyreese could lie out there for a while. Daryl hoped he would think twice about laying a hand on Rick or anyone else at camp again. Fighting among themselves would only get them all killed quicker. Daryl sighed heavily his mind was still trying to figure out who could have murdered Karen and David and why. Daryl thought he knew why, to stop the infection from spreading to the rest of the camp. It was too late though. Sasha was sick now and so was an older man who had come from Woodbury and a handful of others. Daryl quickly decided that someone needed to protect the sick from the healthy just as much as the healthy needed to be protected from the sick. It seemed Daryl wouldn’t be leaving on this run just yet. Now he had to establish a guard, find Lacy and find out if Tyreese was physically and emotionally capable of coming along. ‘Why does everything always have to be so complicated’ Daryl thought to himself. He had just wanted the chance to ride his bike again when they went on this run. ‘Find Lacy’ he thought to himself. He reasoned that she could help him set up the guard but something in his gut told him he just needed to see her right now. He needed her to get the image of the charred bodies out of his mind. As he walked another empty hallway Daryl realized more than anything he just didn’t want to be alone. That was new to him, it was different, and it was scary.