A Will to Survive

(Flash Back)
Lacy’s feet dangled above the purple carpet from the wooden seat she sat in. She played hundreds of scenarios through her head about what she would say what she would do as soon as someone came in to speak to her. It had been six months now since her rescue from her father’s home but nothing felt different. She was constantly being shuffled from place to place. No one ever told her what was going on, they all just looked at her with sad eyes and whispered to each other as she sat and waited. She had been waiting her whole life she didn’t know what she was waiting for anymore. For a while it had been to be saved, to be taken away but now that she finally had been she found that she wasn’t done waiting yet. She wondered for a moment if she ever would be. She was sick of letting her life to be pieced back together by strangers.

Lacy felt rage and contempt for the awful building she was being housed in. The children there were cruel and unruly and no one would ever leave her alone. All she had wanted since her rescue was to have some time alone but the only time she had to herself had been in showers or just in the bathroom in general. When she had first arrived she had gone into the bathrooms and let the water run while she laid on the cold tile floor listening to it. She hated water and she didn’t want to actually shower but she needed to think. She needed to try and process what was happening all around her. She had loved pretending to take showers just for the peace but she quickly realized that the people around her were jumping to conclusions. They were asking her if she felt dirty, if she wanted to talk about the men her father brought around. The idea of talking about what she had been through made her sick to her stomach and she decided only to shower once a day from then on out if only to avoid those questions. She hadn’t even considered them before that. Did she feel dirty? She shuddered at the idea of being clean, the idea of innocence. What was she? She certainly didn’t feel like a child. The door finally opened and the child services worker she had been waiting for entered.

The woman was short and heavy set. She wore a paint suit and nurses’ shoes all in black like usual. Lacy thought cynically that black might be a sliming color but it could only do so much. The woman’s eyes were small and beady behind a pair of glasses. Her hair was brown and her tight curls were pulled back away from her round face in a half pony tail.

“Hello Lacy.”

“Hello Ms Bacon.” Lacy replied with no emotion in her voice. She felt the fight in her leaving. As much as she wanted to yell and scream and run she knew she wouldn’t. She had no other choice. Who else was there to turn too? She felt her vision fog as she let her eyes unfocus and her eye lids droop. She didn’t want to be here. She didn’t want anything except maybe a chocolate bar.
“Do you know what we are here to talk about today?” Ms. Bacon asked her with her hands folded atop her neatly organized desk. Lacy’s eyes fell on a sunflower post it note stack as she refused to answer. The loopy cursive script on the post its reminded Lacy of third grade. The last year she had been in school when she had begun to learn to write in cursive. It had always been her favorite part of the school day.

“You have been through a lot Lacy. I know that. What we are going to discuss is going to be hard to hear but I think you deserve the truth. It took me this long to convince the others of it but we owe you this much.” Lacy looked up now seeing in her mentors eyes a softness and understanding. Lacy squirmed under her gaze. She wanted to recoil she didn’t want anyone to look at her. She pulled her sweater tighter around her and pulled her feet up on to the seat of the chair. She still hadn’t spoken when Ms Bacon continued.

“We are here to talk about your mother.” Lacy felt her heart jump into her throat she had always dreamed that her mother would come for her. She had dreamed of being taken away to a big white house where she would have brothers and sisters and a dog and she could go to school and make friends. She pictured her mother to be a beautiful woman with a warm smile who wore long dresses and flowers in her hair. Lacy listened closely now feeling herself drawn into the conversation.

“Your mother suffered from postnatal psychosis. Do you know what that is?” Lacy shook her head no she gripped the edge of her seat tightly feeling waves of anxiety flow through her. She knew this was bad news. She knew her mother wasn’t going to come get her but she wanted so badly to believe otherwise.

“It’s a rare illness but your mother was bipolar er.. ah she had a lot of mood swings, which increased the likely hood significantly. Post natal Psychosis is when a mother becomes depressed after giving birth. She feels detached from here child as though it wasn’t really hers. She began to hallucinate and she lost touch with reality.” Ms Bacon stopped speaking and removed her small metal glasses from her face that began to sheen with moisture in the warm office. She held her glasses in her hands as she thought carefully about her words. She ran a plump finger with a delicately designed fingernail over the frames as she gathered herself.

“Your mother was very ill… She tried….” There was indecision and sorrow on her face as she tried to say whatever it was she was keeping from Lacy. Lacy waited as patiently as she could desperate for every thread of information about her mother.

“She tried to drown you when you were an infant but your father came home in time to stop her. He tried to get her treatments but before he had time to get her to any of her doctor’s appointments she had committed suicide. That’s when your father changed. I worked on your case back then just like I’m here now. I didn’t know what he would become. I thought he would take care of you. I’m sorry Lacy. I’m sorry I left you there with him.” Ms. Bacon’s eyes were watery as she looked at the small fragile preteen in front of her. A girl who had only ever known survival and fear.

Lacy saw her mentor’s tears and her stomach twisted in discomfort. Lacy didn’t feel like crying she had known all along that her mother was dead. Her father had told her once and she had chosen not to believe it but she had already prepared for this fact years ago and she wasn’t sad now. She wasn’t sure how to comfort someone and she felt an incredibly pressure to do so. She tried to smile at Ms Bacon to ease her sorrow but nothing came to her. She looked to her left out a window as she decided against doing anything about it at all.

“And I won’t be adopted.” Lacy stated flatly. She knew there was more for Ms. Bacon to tell her and she had heard the other kids saying it since she arrived. Lacy was alone but she didn’t care she didn’t need anyone else. She never had.

“We don’t know that, it’s true your age is difficult to find a home for. Most families that come through here are looking for younger children but you’re a bright girl Lacy and your sweet there’s no way to say for sure that you won’t be adopted.” Ms Bacon’s voice pleaded with Lacy to hold on to hope but Lacy had never had any to begin with.

“It’s fine. I don’t mind.” Lacy replied trying to comfort her mentor this time hoping that her words would make that look on Ms Bacon’s face leave. Ms. Bacon’s confused silence gave Lacy the opportunity to ask another question.

“What about my dad and the courts? Will I have to see him again?” Lacy fidgeted in her seat. She curled her thin fingers around the toes of her sneakers feeling the beat up rubber bending under her hands.

“No, not if you don’t want to. He’s fighting this in court but he can’t win. If they ask you to testify he will be in the court room with you but there will be a lot of other people there to protect you. He won’t be able to hurt you again.” Lacy nodded and looked back at the sunflower post its. She kicked her feet off the seat and let them dangle once again.

“Lacy? Are you okay?” Lacy waited a moment accessing herself, was she okay? How do you know?

“Yeah. I think so. I’m free… at least there is that.” Lacy spoke unable to meet her mentors eyes. At least there is that, she repeated to herself. She would just have to hold onto that for as long as she could.

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Lacy took in a large ragged breath followed by a long series of coughs that seemed to knock the very wind out of her soul. She gasped for air and clutched her arms to her chest throwing herself upright to try and stop from choking on her flem. Her hair was matted to the back of her neck with sweat and her clothes were soaked through. There was a throbbing at the base of her skull that seemed to radiate through her whole body in time with her heartbeat. Her long thick hair felt suffocating against her face so she frantically scrapped it away from her skin and piled it on top of her head with her hands. How did she get here? This room again. She looked around her at the cement walls and the cold hard floor. How did he find her? Lacy recalled being rescued from this room when she was only 12 and now so much later she was here again. Or was she? The glass in the wall in front of her didn’t feel right. Had there always been a window in the basement wall? Hadn’t it only been one room? Lacy couldn’t remember but she was sure this was her father’s house that she was back in that basement and that he would never let her escape again.

Lacy stood up letting her hair fall once again and from the corner of her eye she saw his face. His drunken slobbering face wrinkled and weathered with an untamed beard. She spun around quickly only to lose him again. He was toying with her. Lacy heart was racing she needed to get out and NOW. Lacy’s body felt shaky and weak as she stood in the center of the room as far away from the walls as possible. She looked back at the bed with confusion. She hadn’t had a bed in the basement. Somewhere in Lacy’s mind a voice told her she was someplace else, this room wasn’t right. This couldn’t be the basement. Lacy sat down feeling the weight of the air pushing down on her like thick fog. Lacy tried to remember what she had been doing last time she was awake and a face came to her mind sending her hurtling back into reality. Daryl. Lacy was struggling to keep her thoughts straight. Her chest burned with every breath and her blood was pounding in her ears. She slowly fell on to her side curling her body inward and letting thick painful sobs begin to roll out of her. She was sick. She was very sick and now she was trapped. The sobs were all that came; no tears could surface from her lying eyes as images of her father’s face shot into the corners of her vision again and again. He was always just out of sight skirting around her but he was there with her.

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Lacy hadn’t realized she had fallen asleep but as she reopened her eyes it wasn’t her father she saw but Daryl. He sat against the wall in front of her with an arm propped on one knee. The brace she had given him was on his limp arm and he looked like he might have been there for a long time. The light in the room was very dim but the sheen of his vest was unmistakable. How vivid was her imagination? Could she possibly fabricate that distinct scent he has or the way his small eyes seemed to glow even in the dark?

“Welcome back.” He mumbled twisting his fingers around and looking at her from under his unkempt hair. Lacy looked at him with disbelief. Was he really there? If she spoke to him would she be talking to herself? Had she lost her mind? Lacy needed answers so she risked her sanity to try and get them.

“I need out. I need out now.” Her voice was much weaker then she had known and trying to speak had brought on a new wave of painful coughs that made her shoulders shake. Her muscles were tight and sore from sleeping on the hard floor. Daryl looked at her but said nothing.

“Daryl, I can’t. I need to be out of here, my father he…” Lacy trailed off realizing he wouldn’t understand. She tried to tell him that her father was there that he was watching her. She couldn’t voice those thoughts. She wasn’t even sure Daryl was real and she knew sounding insane wouldn’t get her out if he was. Daryl’s face looked pained when Lacy spoke. He reached into his vest and pulled out her journal tossing it in front of her. She looked at it and reached out a shaking hand to touch it and feel if it was real. Her heart raced as she asked him something she was very afraid to hear the answer to.

“Have you read it?”

“Yeah…”

“All of it?”

“Yeah… Sorry.” Daryl’s voice was very soft as he looked at the ground rather than meet her eyes. Lacy felt a deep invasion of privacy. An intimate part of who she was, was now naked in front of him and she hadn’t known. She had written down all that had happened to her since the outbreak and just recently she had begun discussing her childhood. Daryl knew more about her than any living person and she hadn’t agreed to it. She thought for a moment that she was angry but she quickly realized she was just scared. She was scared of losing this friend that she was inexpertly growing close with. Daryl took a long heavy breath before lying down and curling up to mirror Lacy his eyes in perfect line with hers. He still said nothing as the journal and Lacy’s outstretched hand still lay between them.

“I can’t let ya out.”Daryl’s voice was so gentle even through the scruffy southern drawl.

“Please” Lacy pleaded with her eyes. She was trapped and she couldn’t die in here. Lacy continued.

“I’ll leave ill go far away so I can’t get anyone else sick I just can’t stay in here, I can’t die in here. Please Daryl” Daryl was quiet for a long moment.

“But what if ya can get better. What if the medicine starts ta help? Then ya could stay. Ya just have ta wait a little bit longer.” Lacy felt tears building, those heaving sobs coming on again. Daryl looked at her another long moment emotions flickering across his face before sitting back up and reaching down to her. His strong warm hands gripped her shoulders and forced her to stand up.

“Come on.” He mumbled guiding her back to her bed. She sat on it as he stood before her. He squatted down to her level.

“Lacy…I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know what to do. I just… I want…” He trailed off confusion and uncertainty shone from his crystal eyes. So much was said with those eyes. Lacy tried to commit every detail of them to her memory. Something to hold on to. He didn’t explain himself further he just hung his head and stood up before walking out of the room. Lacy scrambled to try and follow him. Before she could get to the door it was closed and locked. Her heart began to race and she ran to the window before screaming as loud as she could. Her own voice sounded so far away. She began to panic. Returning to her spot on the floor and rocking herself back and forth. She closed her eyes trying to see anything but the walls that were pushing in around her again. She began to count to herself.

“One, two, three” she rocked to the rhythm of her counting trying to block her mind from doing anything else.

“Four, five, six” She took deep ragged breaths in-between each number.

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Lacy woke from her spot on the floor. She had been counting for so long that she eventually had lost consciousness again. Her mouth felt less dry then before. She hadn’t remembered drinking anything but she had lost some of the incessant thirst. Her head was still pounding but she felt more alert. How long had it been since she was put in here? Lacy remembered the familiar separation from time. She knew what it was like to completely lose the concept and how disorienting it becomes. She stood up now with more energy then she had felt in an eternity but really couldn’t have been more than a week. Or could it? Lacy paced quickly around the room the only thought she had was “out, out out!” She felt hands on her. She spun around trying to brush them off but no one was there. She felt again the pain shoot through her as a hand came down on her face.
“NO” she screamed as she crumpled to her knees trying to block the imaginary attack. Lacy’s head shot up. The glass had to be the answer she ran full force into the glass praying for it to shatter without much resistance. Lacy’s shoulder slammed into the glass without so much is cracking it sending her falling backwards to the ground with a thud. Shooting pains spread from her shoulder and neck as she lay crumpled on the icy floor. She was dizzy and the floor seemed to be wobbling back and forth like a boat on high seas. Lacy stood tall again with her knees shaking under her weight. ‘no, no, no’ Lacy couldn’t think anything else. She felt pure panic surge through her veins like electricity. She ran full force again into the window. This time she could hear the loud whack sound her shoulder bone made as it hit the solid glass. Lacy turned around looking for anything she could throw into it. She quickly ran to the small sink that was attached to a wall in the corner she stomped a foot down as hard as she could severing the porcelain from the wall. Picking it up her arms that shook violently she turned around and lugged the sink to the window. When she was close enough she began to spin before releasing the cold smooth and useless wall fixture from her grasp. It shattered immediately upon hitting the glass sending small bits of shrapnel back at lacy. She felt pieces grazing her arms and face leaving behind warm trails she looked down to see shallow cuts all over her. One gash in particular made itself known. There was blood dripping into Lacy’s vision as she reached up to touch her tender temple. Her fingers came back red with blood. She didn’t care she again ran as fast and hard as she could towards the window this time throwing her other shoulder in. She thought she saw faces on the other side of the glass looking at her trying to talk to her. She was blinded with desperation unable to pay enough attention to anything they may have been trying to tell her. As she began to ready herself to run again the door flew open and her father came running in. His voice sounded strange in her ears but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from his horrible features. She screamed from the top of her lungs lunging out to strike him before he could hurt her. Her finger nails dug into his cheek and he cried out backing away with his hands up and closing the door. Voices nearby seemed heated and Lacy began to fear what he would do when he returned. Would he kill her? Lacy beat her fists into the glass. After a moment the door opened again this time Daryl walked in.

“LET ME OUT, I CANT BREATH IN HERE!” she screamed tugging at her hair.

“Calm down” Daryl pleaded with her. His knees were bent and his arms were stretched out as he slowly approached her.

“NO! I need out I need out now! He can’t keep me in this basement anymore!” Lacy covered her mouth with her hand and felt shakes go down her spine as she tried desperately to breathe in. Daryl was still slowly approaching her and she thrashed out an arm at him with a screech catching his forearm with her nails.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” she yelled. She held her ground trying to appear as strong as she could. She wasn't a child anymore she could protect herself she could fight back this time. She wouldn't let herself be a victim ever again. Daryl moved quickly grabbing her and pulling her into a tight bear hug. He held her arms down and pulled her close so she was unable to move. She struggled against him fighting to free herself. She tried relentlessly for a long few minutes before collapsing into his shoulder and sobbing. Tears rushed down her face this time as she let all of her weight, physical and the weight she carried inside, fall on to him.

“Yer okay” his soft voice reached her left ear as he moved a hand to the back of her head stroking her wild hair soothingly.

“I’m sorry.” Lacy whimpered feeling so many emotions washing over her at once.

“I’m gonna take ya out of here now.” Daryl’s voice sounded almost angry as he said the words Lacy wanted to hear most.

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” Lacy gasped between sobs as she rested her forehead on his shoulder. Daryl pulled away from her placing a hand on the small of her back and guiding her out of the door. Outside the room Lacy saw Carol and Rick standing with heavy faces. Rick had a fresh set of gashes across his cheek. Remorse flooded over Lacy as she realized her mistake. Her wide eyes and gaping mouth were all she had to convey her regret though as Daryl and Rick had begun to talk.

“Daryl” Rick began.

“Step back” Daryl growled eyeing Rick with contempt as he continued moving down the hall. Lacy could feel the sun waiting for her outside she knew she was getting closer and all she could think about was the fresh air and open sky. The hall way was damp and dark but Lacy’s joy was so over powering that it seemed to her like a beautiful passage to Eden. Lacy looked over at her rough and tumble savior with new eyes and saw that he had come back. He had read her journal. He had seen her demons and he was still here. He had saved her and he was still here. Lacy’s chest swelled with gratitude and she vowed to herself to make it up to him. She wasn’t sure how she could ever do for him after what he had done for her but she would try.