A Will to Survive

It was that time of night again the time when the guards shifted over. Daryl had become a creature of habit over the past week every night he would sneak into death row and visit Lacy. He would stay with her for hours until the guard switched over again and he could sneak back out. He told himself he was being discrete to keep Herschel off his back but he knew part of him didn’t want anyone to know where exactly he was spending most of his nights. Daryl walked quickly and quietly down the dark hallway towards D block with his ears perked up listening for anyone who might be around. He rounded the last corner and saw that Maggie and Tyreese were in the midst of switching guard. Daryl crept along the wall staying to the shadows and snuck in behind them while they talked and embraced. ‘So far so good’ he thought to himself, he heard the distinct sound of coughing coming from every direction. Daryl kept his eyes down not wanting to look at the sick people around him. He knew, they knew, why he was here. It had become obvious and impossible to hide from the people living in this cell block but the word hadn’t gotten around to Rick yet and Daryl thanked them all inwardly for not ratting him out. Daryl had a set of keys that unlocked every door in this prison. He and Rick were the only two people that constantly had a full set of keys on them. Daryl heard the clicking of Herschel’s crutch and turned around quickly. He was caught red handed. Daryl sighed heavily as he looked at the old man before him.

“Daryl, take these to her.” Herschel held out a steaming cup and two pills. Daryl was taken back, he thought for sure he was about to get an ear full about being there.

“How long ya known?” Daryl asked. Had Herschel known all along? A small smile came across Herschel’s face and his smooth voice confirmed Daryl’s fears.

“I’ve known always known Daryl. You may be sneaky in the woods but this cell block is my woods and nothing gets past this hunter. That tea will help her fever and the pills are her antibiotics. She needs to take them soon, I’ve had my hands full today. Since you’re here it would help me if you could take them to her.” Daryl nodded once and took the items from Herschel who immediately adjusted his crutch and shifted his weight around. Daryl was embarrassed and upset about being caught. He looked at the floor and waited another moment as Herschel began to speak again.

“Son, I’m with this people every day and I think know what you’re feeling. You don’t have to hide and sneak around to see her. Often when our loved ones grow ill we cherish our time with them like never before. In this world today you don’t have to be ill to die suddenly. So cherish her Daryl and don’t be ashamed of it. If you hide from yourself and from everyone else you’ll only regret it when you have run out of time. ” Daryl looked up now feeling a small amount of comfort wash over him. Herschel clasped a hand on Daryl’s shoulder and looked at him with so much love. Herschel felt like a father to him though Daryl never said it allowed. He had longed his whole life for a father like Herschel and since meeting the man he had grown to respect him and love him in ways he hadn’t known possible. Daryl nodded again feeling a swelling in his chest that made him uncomfortable under Herschel’s kind eyes, he didn’t deserve that kindness. He turned to head for Lacy’s cell once again. He tucked the pills into his chest pocket and rummaged through his pants pocket for his keys. The heavy door had bars over the window and was an ugly muted shade of blue green.

He quickly found the key to Lacy’s death row cell. He had marked it with a twist tie to minimize the time he spent out in the open not that it mattered anymore. He leaned his head against the cold metal for a moment preparing himself for what he was about to do. He kicked himself for going to her every night. What would merle think of him right now? Daryl remembered Herschel’s face and took in a deep breath filling every last space in his lungs. This family he had made. These people who had pulled together and loved him like no one ever had before, they were the people that mattered. It didn’t matter anymore what his brother would think of him. It didn’t matter what his father had thought of him. Those people were dead and they had been replaced by the most incredible people he had ever met.

He knew he didn’t deserve them and he couldn’t stop thinking it. He spent every day trying to earn their affection and he would do it every day till he died. Daryl’s fists tightened and before he could think about this any further he pushed into the room with a little more force than was necessary. He stepped into her dim cement asylum and locked the door behind him. His eyes scanned the room for her and landed on her small pale form leaning against the wall in the corner. Her head was tipped back and her eyes were closed. There was a sheen on her forehead and shadows around her sunken eyes, she looked more like a walker now then Daryl was comfortable with. He quietly approached her crouching down next to her to listen for her breathing. The cup of tea was warm in his hands. There was a soft whistle in her nose as she rested and it reassured Daryl enough for him to sit himself down facing her.

“Lace… can you hear me?” Daryl had tried speaking to her 4 or 5 nights in a row now and each time she had been completely absent. She had no idea who he was. She was hardly ever conscious for very long and when she was, she spoke nothing but nonsense. Lacy’s eyes shot open and she immediately placed her hands on either side of her, each on a different wall, her shoulders were hunched forward and her elbows tight on her sides. She looked deranged in that position with bleeding chapped lips and matted hair. She let out a low snarl and tried to get further into the corner away from him.

“Lacy?” Daryl tried again. He hadn’t realized it fully but he enjoyed talking to her since she had arrived. She was more like him then the others. She carried a lot of baggage but she took care of people. He liked her rough edges and her honest eyes. He was beginning to really miss her. He had lied to Beth when she asked about Lacy. He had told Beth that Lacy was doing well that she was looking healthier. Beth was worrying herself sick up with the kids and he knew it wasn’t going to help any if he told her what was really happening. Lacy was in all honesty starting to look healthier she was moving around the cell now. Daryl always found her someplace different. Her skin was gaining color but Daryl worried that her mind was permanently fractured. He worried that she would never be the same after being in this cell. He knew she was claustrophobic but he could feel something beneath the surface. He knew there was more to what she was going through.

“I’m sorry, please don’t hurt me.” Lacy whimpered. Daryl’s inside twisted. She was so afraid. Daryl sighed and did what he had done every night this week he grabbed a hold of Lacy and pulled her into his arms. At first she would gasp and struggle and cower but just like always she began to relax and curl into him. Daryl had his back pressed against the cold wall and Lacy had her face tucked into his neck. He held her and she quietly mumbled to herself. He couldn’t make out what she was saying and he had stopped trying days ago. He had sloshed some of the tea onto his hands when she had been struggling against him but he brought the cup up to her lips now and spoke softly in her ear
“Drink this.” She took a small sip with her eyes closed. Her chin quivered as a small bead of tea dribble down to her neck. He fished the pills from his pocket awkwardly as she leaned on him. He set the tea down and used both hands to gently tilt her head back he wasn’t sure how this was going to work. He quickly popped the pills into her mouth and picked the tea back up to help her swallow them. She struggled for a moment but took in a deep shaky breath after she had managed to get them down.

“Come on just a little more” He held the cup to her lips again and she weakly drank down the last of it. He relaxed his arms and let her curl into his lap. He stayed there holding her like that for 4 more hours just listening to her breath and letting her sleep on his shoulder. His spine was screaming as the stiffness began to set in. He wondered if the time he was spending with her was helping her get through this at all. He wondered if she even remembered this after he left. Daryl couldn’t decide if he wanted her to remember or not. He was so torn. He stroked her hair for a long last moment before lifting her up and carrying her back to her bed. He knew she wouldn’t stay there, since the second night she had been sleeping everywhere but her bed but at least for now he knew she would be comfortable. He felt heavy as he walked out of death row. He wasn’t sleeping much at all anymore. He took a cat nap every 12 hours or so but he just couldn’t let his guard down enough to rest.

Daryl bee lined for the roof, Lacy’s spot. He sat there thinking of her and pulling out her journal from his vest pocket. He turned it over in his hands twice before sighing and giving in to his curiosity. He had held onto it after she collapsed and had refused to read it at first. He had watched enough TV to know that girls don’t like when you read their diaries but he needed to know what was in this journal. Whatever she was reliving whatever she was afraid of she might have written it down. Maybe if he knew he could talk her back. Maybe he could save her and himself. Mostly though he just missed her and if he couldn’t talk to her then maybe he could listen. Listen to her story through her own eyes.
Daryl’s eyes probed the opening page and saw a swirly cursive script the first line read “Daryl gave me this journal and I don’t think he knows how perfect this gift was. I’m trying not to attach too much emotion to this gesture but I just don’t have words for how grateful I am to be able to write again.” Daryl ran a hand through his hair and continued reading her journal. Before long he felt the heat of the sun beating down on him and he had read all that she had written. He starred at the blank pages in the back of the book wondering what secrets they knew. What stories were they destined to tell. Daryl felt sick. He understood now. Lacy was so much more like him than he had known.

It was growing dark again. Daryl had tried to hunt today but had only brought back a dozen or so rabbits and squirrels. The deer he had discovered with Lacy had evaded him all day and he knew if he stayed out past dark he might find one but he had to be back. He had to see her again. Daryl was grateful to be able to hunt alone again. The reason was the limited amount of healthy people left and that reason was almost enough to ruin the solitude for him but he still enjoyed the mind clearing meditation that hunting was for him.

Daryl didn’t bother trying to creep along the halls this time he walked towards Death Row blatantly. He didn’t see anyone along the way and when he got to the door he saw that no one was standing guard. Daryl felt a flash of anger somebody wasn’t doing their job and he would find out exactly who later. The walk to Lacy’s cell seemed to take forever and her journal felt heavy in his pocket. Once he was inside he saw her curled up in a ball on the floor. There was any empty cup on the floor. Herschel must have been there already tonight. He sat down against the wall and looked at her. There was a rose color in her cheeks and her fingers twitched slightly. He laid a hand on her forehead feeling that she was only slightly warm now. He waited for a long while before her eyes opened.

“Welcome back” Daryl said looking at her hair pooling under her head across the ground.

“I need out, I need out now” Lacy’s eyes pleaded with Daryl with a vigor. She immediately began coughing and gasping for air but it quickly passed. He was caught off guard. This was the first time she had directly spoken to him. It was the first time she seemed to understand what was happening around her. He felt hope building in him, she was getting better.
“Daryl, I can’t. I need to be out of here, my father he…” Daryl saw her pain on her face and she trailed off without finishing her thought. He knew exactly what she was talking about. He knew what she had been through. His thoughts went to the scars on his back and he closed his eyes for a moment. He decided quickly that he would tell her just not today. He reached into his vest and pulled out her journal lightly tossing it between them. He waited for her anger. He waited for her to attack him for betraying her trust. He could try and explain why he had to do it but he didn’t think it would matter. He would take what she had to throw at him. Her eyes zeroed in on the journal and widened. Her delicate hand reached out to touch it as though she need to feel if it was real.

“Have you read it?” She asked with a rasp in her voice. Daryl felt his stomach crawling up into his chest as anticipation built and his voice came out much softer than he intended.

“Yeah.”

“All of it?” She asked now with her eye brows pulled together. She had her hand laid on it still a tremble in her arm much like her voice.

“Yeah…sorry” Daryl replied feeling the guilt on his shoulders. The anticipation of her reaction was beginning to become unbearable he wished for her to just slap him and get it over with. She starred at the journal for a long while emotions flashing across her features for moments before being replaced by something new. He realized now that she wasn’t going to be angry with him. He laid down mirroring her position and looking at her now alert eyes.

“I can’t let you out.” Daryl said answering her original pleas now.

“Please.” Lacy begged him and he could feel her desperation rolling off her in waves. When she hadn’t yelled at him the guilt he felt only intensified. He knew it was wrong to invade her privacy the way he had and when she hadn’t said a word about it he somehow felt so much worse. He knew he deserved her anger. Now he had to tell her that he could let her out and she wasn’t even mad then. Instead her sad eyes only begged for help that he couldn’t give. Daryl felt the desire to vomit.

“I’ll leave ill go far away so I can’t get anyone else sick I just can’t stay in here, I can’t die in here. Please Daryl” When she said his name there was another heavy tug on his heart. Daryl felt anger building in him. Why was he doing this? Why was he letting himself feel these things? He couldn’t give up on her. He couldn’t walk away. Daryl repeated her words in his head ’I can’t die in here’ He wanted so badly to take her away. To get her out of this room but he couldn’t disobey Rick he owed everything he had to that man. Rick’s the brother Merle never was. Daryl would do anything for Rick. He knew how much Rick had been through and he couldn’t knowingly be the cause of anymore trouble for him. Daryl finally found words to answer Lacy after fighting his emotions back down to where he always kept them locked away.

“But what if ya can get better. What if the medicine starts ta help? Then ya could stay. Ya just have ta wait.” Daryl believed she would be okay. He had to. He wanted so badly to just give up and tell himself she was going to die anyway. He wanted to let her go and move on but he couldn’t this time. He had been the master of not giving a fuck his whole life but not this time. Somehow he found himself so completely wrapped up in this that there was no way out. He cared and he couldn’t fight it, he believed she would get better; she had to. Maybe it was the time he had spent talking to Beth trying to fill the gap Lacy had left. The hope Beth always had so much of that had finally reached him.

She couldn’t have survived all that she had just to die like this. She was strong; she was a fighter she would come out of this. She just had to wait and he would help her wait. He saw tears glistening in her eyes and heavy sobs coming from deep in her chest. Daryl couldn’t look at her like that anymore and it was time for him to leave again she had been asleep for so long. He wanted to stay and talk to her now that she seemed alert but he couldn’t.

“Come on” he mumbled gripping her shoulders and helping her back to her bed just like every other night. He didn’t need to carry her this time and she didn’t fight his touch. He squatted in front of her as she sat on the edge of her bed.

“Lacy…I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know what to do. I just… I want…” Daryl wanted to tell her, now that she might remember that he had been there. He wanted to explain that he was lost, that he was trying to help her but he didn’t know how. He couldn’t find any words and after a moment he hung his head and gave up.

His brother’s voice in his head was taunting him. He scolded himself endlessly for his weakness for his stupidity. He turned and walked out quickly knowing she would try and follow. He thought he heard her scream but he shook it out of his brain and headed back to the group. He decided to go find Carol. She had a comforting air about her and he knew he wouldn’t have to say much to her to get her to understand.

Daryl was on his way to Lacy’s cell after visiting Beth again. He had told her through the door that Lacy was talking that she was moving around. He was trying to give Beth some of the hope she had given him. She had thanked him for checking on Lacy for her. He went along with it as if that’s all he was doing but he knew it wasn’t. He had a feeling Beth knew too but she was kind enough not to point it out. Daryl was confused as he turned towards Lacy’s cell and saw people in front of the door.

“We have to help her” Carol pleaded looking at Rick with demanding eyes.

“What are we supposed to do knock her out?” Rick asked defensively.

“If that’s what it takes!” Carol shot back. Daryl quickened his pace trying to figure out what was wrong.

“Hey, what’s this about?” Daryl asked as he reached them. They both turned confused eyes on him. Carols light up with understanding when she recognized Daryl and he gave her a stabbing glare to tell her to keep her mouth shut. He waved off Ricks wondering glances and they both knew better than to say anything about his presence after that. Just then Daryl saw Lacy smack into the glass and collapse.

“What the fuck” Daryl said jumping and running to the window to peer in. He saw a bloody bruised Lacy panting and shrieking. There were shards of glass or something all around her and cuts all over her body. Her face was smeared with blood and she looked ferocious as she hollered. The noise was muffled but her teeth were bared and she had wild eyes. Daryl looked back to Rick standing on his other side now he saw three gashes across his face. Daryl made for the door but Rick put a hand up. Daryl felt rage building. He was mad at himself, mad at Rick, mad at God. He was beginning to feel all that was under the surface bubbling up.

“What? Are ya just going to let her kill herself in there?” Daryl growled with hate as he stood inches from Rick.

“She’s dangerous and volatile.” Rick started trying to talk Daryl down with a hand up in front of him still.

“I can handle her.” Daryl tried.

“No I can’t risk anyone else’s life we have lost too many already.”

“Just let me try and…”

“No Daryl” Rick said firmly cutting him off. Daryl lost control then feeling every second pass by like the ticking of a bomb. They were wasting time. They needed to help her NOW.

“The FUCK is wrong with ya? Ya’d rather let her die then get a few scratches on yer pretty little face? I can handle her okay?” Daryl was out raged that Rick was in his path. Carol jumped in trying to diffuse the two men.

“What if we go get Beth? She is closer to Lacy then anyone else seen she might be able to talk Lacy down.” Carols knowing glances at Daryl weren’t helping his anger any.

“No we can’t expose her to Lacy we need her with the kids and she can’t go back to them once she’s been near any of us.” Rick said looking at Carol with clear frustration. He was trying to find answers but Daryl already knew how to handle this. He was done discussing it as he decided this he saw her throw her body into the window and bounce off of it again. The sound of her body hitting the glass made Daryl grit his teeth. His heart was pounding in his chest and he growled deep in his throat
“Get out of my way Rick or I’ll go through you.” Ricks eyes widened at Daryl’s threat and as he opened his mouth to say something Carol grabbed Ricks arm and pulled him aside whispering something to him. Daryl didn’t even care what Carol told him he just needed to get in that cell. Daryl fumbled with his keys as he unlocked the door. He stepped in with his knees bent and his arms ready he approached her carefully eyeing her as she spun to see who had entered. Her eyes lit when she recognized him.

“LET ME OUT, I CANT BREATH IN HERE!” She screamed tugging on her hair.

“Calm down.” Daryl pleaded stepping slowly towards her afraid that approaching to quickly would frighten her in this mental state.

“NO! I need out I need out now! He can’t keep me in this basement anymore!” Daryl ignored her clear confusion about her location and continued slowly approaching her glancing to the window to see Rick watching with his hands on his hips and Carol covering her mouth with one hand and clutching her chest with the other. Daryl was almost close enough to grab here when she shrieked at him.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” He felt the sting of her nails slicing across his forearm but he didn’t care he threw his arms around her immediately while she was still outstretched towards him. He held her close to his chest feeling how much of her strength she had regained as she fought against him. She was thrashing in every direction kicking her legs out and screeching. He fought hard to keep a hold on her and after what seemed like forever she collapsed into him he felt her full body weight suddenly and had to quickly correct his stance to hold her up. She was sobbing into his shoulder between broken breaths and he began comforting her immediately forgetting that the others were watching.

“Yer okay” he cooed into her ear stroking her hair and laying his head against her hair. The blood from her face was smearing on to his shirt as she wrapped her arms around him.

“I’m sorry” she sobbed into him and his throat tightened again. He wasn’t going to leave her in there anymore if she was going to get better it wouldn’t be like this.

“Im gonna take ya out a here now.” Daryl spoke softly to her. He felt her take in a deep gasp and wrap her arms tighter around him.

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” Lacy’s forehead was against his shoulder but he could feel her mood change abruptly without seeing her face. Suddenly the energy rolling off her was powerfully hopeful. He knew he was about to get hell from Rick and he didn’t know where he would take her but he would figure it out later. All he knew was he wasn’t going to let her die like this.
Daryl had a guiding hand on Lacy’s lower back and she walked close to him through the door. He saw her shoulders shaking and her eyes beaming with so much more life than he had seen all week

“Daryl.” Rick began but he stopped speaking immediately when he was met with Daryl’s cold hard stare. Daryl thought he could feel his anger shooting like bullets from his eyes.

“Step back.” He said with as much contempt as the last words he had spoken to Rick. Ricks mouth was a gape as he seemed at a loss. Daryl looked straight ahead swirling around his emotions in his mind. Then suddenly he knew exactly where to take her.