A Will to Survive

Daryl stood outside Lacy’s cell in the dark. The only light to see by was the small amount of natural light coming through the windows high up on the cell block walls. He hadn't woken Glenn up to switch shifts yet because he knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep that night. He continued sharpening his arrows just like he had been for the past 4 hours. He took his time slowly cleaning and pampering each arrow to keep busy while he kept watch over his sleeping camp mates. He went over them more than once unable to let his hands be idle for even a moment. Lacy stirred for the first time in hours, her eyes fluttered open as she tried to remember where she was. She lifted a heavy hand to her face and rubbed her eyes. The weakness she had been feeling only slightly lifted. The subtle movements caught Daryl’s eye from across the small hall sized landing in front of the second floor cell. His eyes lingered on the cell but ultimately he decided it wasn't worth getting up. The door was locked, she had no weapon and yet he was stuck sitting outside her cell like a guard dog. Still sharpening his arrows he waited for her to fall back asleep but to his surprise he heard soft feet touch down on the cement floors, she was up. He looked back to her cell again more interested now than he had been all night. She approached the cell bars, confusion in her eyes.
“Welcome back sweet cheeks” He said sarcastically without a hint of a smile on his face. He still hadn't bothered to move. Lacy didn't say anything she turned back around and immediately began a search of the cell. Where were her belongings, her bag, her shoes, her weapons? Panic began to climb up her throat and wrap its icy fingers around her lungs. She began throwing around the blankets lifting up her mattress frantically trying to find anything to protect herself with. Dust was stirred up around her hovering in the air and forcing her to breathe raggedly trying not to cough. Who were these people? How long did they want to have her locked in a cell? Would she ever get out again? She had asked herself so many questions since meeting these people and yet not a single one had been answered. She put her back to the cement walls trying to gain some kind of security or control over the situation. With one front covered they could only take her head on. All the commotion had drawn Daryl over to see what was going on. He peered in her dark cell taking in the ransacked furniture and her cowering against the back wall. She was clearly terrified. Eyeing the walls and bars with disgust Daryl understood why she would be reacting that way. He still didn't like sleeping in a cell although he no longer refused entirely like he had when they had first moved in. He still preferred to stay in the perch. With a heavy sigh he pulled the keys out of his pocket jingling them at her. He saw her eyes immediately zero in on the set of small keys. He had been thinking all night about his suggestion to lock her in the cell. He didn’t really know why he had suggested it. It seemed like the safest option, you couldn’t trust anyone anymore. Never the less in the hours he had spent watching her cell the guilt and harshness of it all began to really sink in and some part him regretted being the one to suggest treating her like an animal in a cage.
“Feelin’ trapped?” He asked her flatly. Knowing before she responded that the answer was yes. She nodded her head before realizing he probably couldn't see her. She cleared her throat a little before finally answering him.
“yea-yes” Her voice still wasn’t used to the exercise. It sounded rough and scratchy to her ears. She hadn’t needed to speak in so long it felt strange every time she did. Daryl put a hand on the bars, muscles tensed in a defensive way and said
“I aint givin’ you no weapons and I sure as hell aint plain’ no games with yall” He paused clearly thinking something over before finally finishing with a raspy southern drawl.
“But I’ll let ya outta there fer a little bit as long as ya don’t pull no funny business on me” She began to step forward hesitantly into dim light nodding to him. She kept her hands up in surrender; all she wanted was to be out of the cell. She didn't trust these people but she knew that she had to try, for now at least, if she wanted out. She was thrilled at the idea of interacting with another person she had all but convinced herself that there weren't any left. After Daryl had rescued her earlier in the day it seemed there was no one Lacy would have preferred to see when waking up. She was alone for so long she forgot all about how it felt to listen to the rumble of another human’s voice. That instant comfort of another human’s presence was irreplaceable. She was already feeling the claustrophobia lifting as she watched the key turn in the lock. She felt a hope inside her that she hadn't experienced in months. Quietly the door squeaked on its hinges as it was opened slowly. He had a hand tightly grasping the handle of his knife still tucked into his waistband. He didn't trust her either that much was clear but she appreciated the gesture of unlocking the cell. She slowly walked out of the cell onto the landing with Daryl. She lightly rested her hands on the railing feeling the cold rough metal beneath her sweaty palms. Taking in her surroundings her eyes sweeping over every surface and cell door she saw the evidence that they weren't alone. The rest of the people who lived here must be asleep she thought. Daryl relaxed slightly leaning against the railing. He eyed her, curiosity getting the best of him he asked
“What happened to ya?” She paused pursing her lips and furrowing her eyebrows unsure of how to answer such a vague question. She moved her hands in a wringing motion on the railing. What happened to her she asked herself again trying to form a halfway decent answer. She had been attacked time and time again by rotting flesh puppets, she had nearly starved to death, she and nearly froze to death, she had lost any inkling of where she was and had almost given up entirely on the idea of ever living a normal life again. She had personally watched the only decent humans she had met since the outbreak get eaten while she ran like a coward. She had killed more zombies than she could count and more spineless men than anyone ever should have to.
“I got lost.” She answered simply. She could feel her conversational skills failing her. She wasn't sure if she had meant lost physically or as a person but it didn't really matter either way.
“How’d ya end up alone out there?” She looked over seeing only mild interest on his face. She sighed heavily feeling the weight of her heart on her words.
“I started that way” She averted her eyes from him looking around for anything to occupy her mind. Her eyes hovered over the simple curtains hanging by each cell door in an attempt to bring a homey feeling to these dreary cement cell blocks. She admired their spirit; Hope was evident in the carefully hung clothing and neatly stacked baskets and supplies. They were maintaining what they could of the life they used to have. That was more than she could say for herself, She had barley been surviving. She had behaved like an animal for so long trying to blend in, it was jarring for her to have to try and recall the part of her that made her human. Though there was a time in her life before all this happened when that was the case too. She shook her head to try and knock loose the image of her father’s face. She didn't need to think about him now, not tonight. She felt so vulnerable like a child again wanting nothing more than to hide behind the strength of numbers. She could feel eyes on the side of her face but she continued to look out over the railing. The tone of his voice was different now as he said.
“Shit outta luck from the start then huh?” Something in her answer had struck home with Daryl. He spent so much of his life fending for himself and the way she answered him gave off the feeling that she had too. He saw the pale moonlight on her fair skin and he thought he could almost see the wheels turning in her mind. There was much more going on in her head then she was saying. He felt an unusual urge to find out what exactly she was thinking.
She scuffed for a second rolling her eyes a little at his sarcastic joke but sensing a small amount of sincerity behind his words. He didn't know fully how accurate his words were. She had been shit out of luck from an early age and only managed to gain any feeling of truly being herself out in those woods she so desperately wanted to escape now. The thought of having to go back there ever again gave her a chill. The woods that had shown her just how strong she could be had almost killed her and she couldn't bear the silence out there again without risking losing her mind. She was no longer numb to the loneliness she had been feeling. Daryl couldn't seem to figure out what Lacy was thinking. Every time she spoke she left him with more questions than answers and she hardly ever said more than 3 words.
“Yes I guess you could say that" She finally replied
"If we are going to be asking questions I have a few of my own.” She waited eyes finally falling back on the man next to her. Daryl saw her hard set jaw knowing now she was a straight to the point girl. Not that the short answers hadn't been a solid hint. He fought back a smirk and said nothing an arrow firmly in his grasp his eyes never leaving hers as he continued to sharpen it. Daryl observed her without feeling any remorse he was on 'watch' wasn't he? Right now it was his job to be curious. He had been taking more interest in the others lately and found that his new found sociability applied to her too. Lacy remembered his comment about not giving her weapons so she decided to push those questions to the back of her mind for the time being.
“Well I guess my first question is why did you have me locked in a cell?”
“Fer safe keepin’” He replied. The question was a stupid one in his opinion, it was obvious why she had been locked up she was danger to everyone there until proven otherwise. That part of him that felt guilty earlier resurfaced. He knew he was responsible for that decision and he hoped he wouldn’t have to tell her that. Despite all the thinking he was doing he didn't bother elaborating. She moved on to a new question his sarcastic answer confirmed what she already knew and she couldn't deny, it made complete sense that they wouldn’t trust her just yet.
“How many people live here?” she tried again.
“A bunch, prolly 50 or so”. She felt excitement wash over her. A group of that many people meant safety but most of all it meant food. Her stomach grumbled, she only vaguely remembered eating something earlier that day. Her memory was patchy and fuzzy from the moment her life was saved onward. She knew she had been brought into the prison and that at some point people had been touching her neck and her arms. She had tried to push them off but she was weak and hadn't succeeded. She remembered mumbling as questions were asked. She had only wanted to go back to sleep but they hadn't let her. She couldn't remember what she said but she knew she hadn't lied; she wasn't awake enough to lie. She worried slightly about what she may have revealed. She relived again her last clear memory. The arrow in the walkers head behind her, he had been watching her back when she hadn't. She remembered hearing the arrow cut through the air above her head. The sun had been so high in the sky then. How long had it been?
“Thank you” She offered softly.
“Fer what?” he asked in that same raspy flat whisper.
“For saving my life today, or was it yesterday? For letting me out of that cell. For not killing me. Everything” Daryl hadn't been expecting a thank you. He didn't know how to reply. He didn’t think he deserved to be thanked. 'You're welcome' was a lie and anything else wasn't worth wasting the breath. She didn't want to look at him now instantly regretting mentioning it and growing more uncomfortable as the seconds pass. Daryl felt the air between them changing before he could do anything to fix it. Now he wished he had just lied. Lacy didn't like being in debt to people. She had always been the kind of person who fended for them self. Knowing just how much she owed this man she had only just met put her in a position she spent her whole life trying to avoid. Should she have just pretended she didn't remember? She at least could have saved herself this horrible awkward conversation. When after another long moment he still hadn't said anything she snapped with inpatients. She hated the feeling she had in her stomach. The feeling of suspenseful waiting for him to tell her it was okay, to take the debt she held away from her but he didn't and she knew that he wasn't going to. It had been so long since she had had a conversation like this one she was completely out of her element.
“Look I’m not going to say it again so I hope you heard me the first time.”She awkwardly began picking at her nail beds hoping she seemed aloof.
“Don’t get yer panties in a twist” he replied shortly. He knew that he had been wrong to say nothing at all but his defensiveness often bypassed his brain to mouth filter. Her cheeks flushed red. She placed her hand on the side of her face blocking him from seeing her blush. She felt anger bubbling up in her but not at him as much as herself. She was growing frustrated with her own inability to talk to him. She took in one last deep breath before deciding that she was getting far too worked up. She took in the quiet night air and leaned forward on the rail. Daryl didn't know what to tell her. He considered going back to switch his shift over to Glenn. In a way he liked watching her fumble over her words. It was usually him who couldn't talk to people. He waited in the silence that seemed to keeping falling between them. When her eyes met his again he gave her a nod not knowing how else to communicate with her. He didn’t want to leave. She fascinated him and now that she was awake his night had become so much more interesting. Lacy desperately wanted to feel accepted into this group attaching a lot of meaning to his casual gesture. She continued on with the questions to try and fill the air between them.
“So is that Rick guy in charge around here?”
“He was, his wife died and since then he has been having a rough time these days we have a type of counsel that makes decisions but we all get a say in things. Rick will always be the leader to me.” Daryl shrugged
How bad could that be Lacy thought to herself? Back before the apocalypse politics sucked maybe they got better once they were brought down to their roots. Sure corruption becomes hard to prevent but small government is always better. She felt sympathy for Ricks loss, she knew what her father became after her own mother’s death and the Rick she had met was certainly a better man than that. She watched the sky grow brighter. She wondered what this coming day held in store for her.
“Where’d ya learn ta shoot” Daryl asked still feeling he hadn't learned anything about her. She thought about the bow she carried and had been carrying since the outbreak. Originally she hadn't’ known what made her grab the bow rather than a gun. It didn't take her long after picking it up to realize though.
“Summer camp” Lacy started. She hesitated before continuing with more detail this time.
“I went every summer for 5 years. I didn’t really have any where else to go so camp was better than staying in a foster home in the summer. They gave us a choice between riflery and archery and for some reason I'd always picked archery. I really preferred the feeling of the bow in my hands to the kick of a gun. Besides I couldn't aim the gun for shit.” Daryl listened closely picturing kids learning to shoot for fun. Reality was much harsher now. You learned to shoot to survive. Kid or not the urgency and need to be able to protect yourself over powers almost any enjoyment shooting once held, even for him.
“They taught ya that at summer camp?” He asked with doubt in his voice.
“I wasn't very good at it until I had to be”. She added.
Daryl started to feel the exhaustion catching up with him. He should really go get Glenn so he could grab at least a few measly hours of rest. He hadn't considered it for more than a moment or two before a slightly frazzled looking Glenn came bounding up the metal stairs making as little noise as he could while moving quickly.
“Why didn't you come wake me?” Glenn asked a little out of breath.
“Thought ya might need the sleep” Daryl brushed the question off. He wasn't going to acknowledge his trouble sleeping so he let Glenn think what he wanted from that. There was gratefulness in Glenn’s eyes when he answered.
“Thanks man, go catch some Z’s you look beat” Daryl didn't say anything to glenn as he slung his arrows over his shoulder again. As he pushed off the railing he stood tall over Lacy for a brief second, his ice blue eyes bore into hers and the heat of his body was so close it made Lacy's breath catch in her throat. Then just as quickly as it all happened he moved on past her and slunk out of view.
“A man of many words I see.” Lacy said unable to stop looking at Daryl’s back as it grew smaller. Glenn looked back and forth between her cell and her unsure of whether she should be out or not.
“I’m sorry but I think you should stay in your cell until Rick comes to talk to you” Glenn said in a resigned but stern voice. Glenn never wanted to be in charge but he couldn't stand by and just let things happen. If it was his watch he was going to take every precaution. That to him meant safely locking away the girl until it was really certain beyond a doubt that she didn't pose a threat to his new family. Lacy’s stomach dropped at the idea of being cornered unable to fight herself to freedom once she was enclosed in stone. She took a deep breath with her eyes squeezed shut. She had to control her phobia. She didn't have the option of being scared or weak. What had to be done, had to be done and she wouldn't let herself fall apart. She thought of all the people below her peacefully sleeping in cells just like the one behind her. Regaining some of her resolve she nodded her head and swallowed loudly before quickly turning and reentering the cell. Glenn noticed how pale she looked but attributed it to her lack of nutrition out on her own. He followed her back to her cell before realizing Daryl had forgotten to leave the keys.
“Shit...” Glenn mumbled under his breath running a hand over his head. Leaving her alone there in the open cell seemed stupid but bringing her to fetch the key seemed even worse. With worry in his voice Glenn said to her.
“Please just stay in there I need to get the key from Daryl.” He waited for her to confirm that she wouldn't go anywhere but Lacy had been so focused on taking deep calm breaths Glenn’s words had gone in one ear and out the other. Glenn abruptly hit the bars causing her to jump a foot in the air feeling her skin crawl and her spine tingle, he had her full attention now.
“I’m going to get the keys, Do not leave this cell do you understand?” He stated slowly. She saw in his eyes a lack of conviction. He wasn't’ as tough as he wanted her to believe he was. She didn't draw attention to it though not wanting to ruffle any feathers in the hopes that she could join this group at least for a little while. Glenn felt guilt pang in the pit of his stomach when he saw how badly he had startled her but he told himself he was only doing what Rick would have done. Rick didn't let anyone slip between his fingers because he stood his ground. Glenn had watched Rick from the first time they had met trying to learn from him. Rick had courage and strength that Glenn envied. She listened to the even sound of Glenn’s footsteps fading. Being alone for this brief moment was almost a relief. Just this time yesterday she had been walking on pins and needles while her toes grew numb in the dew of the forest floor. She looked at the disheveled room before her, only now noticing the small cloth that had been lying on the bed side table. That little touch of décor made Lacy’s heart heavier still. She placed the Cot back on its legs and lifted the dust dirty blanket off the floor; she tried to brush off some of the dirt before returning it to the end of the cot. She decided on resting her eyes again if only for a brief moment but soon found the need for sleep overshadowing her phobia. She was dozing off back into the deep sleep she hadn't seen in so long.
She shot straight up in bed with beads of sweat falling down the back of her neck. She had Goosebumps all over her body despite the sweating. She gasped for air frantically recalling the dream that she had just spent an eternity trapped in. What had woken her? She looked down at her hands as they trembled, in her dream she had been frantically clawing at the closed lid of a coffin. She scratched and scratched trying to break free. Her nails had fallen out along with all of her teeth. The walls pushed in on her from ever side. The air felt thin and no amount of panting brought her the oxygen her body craved. How long had she been trapped in there? She shook her head vigorously reminding herself that it hadn't really happened that she was alive and safely within the walls of this prison. Her lip twitched toward a smile as she considered the irony of her living situation. She wanted more than anything to stay in this prison. How many people who had slept in this same cell wanted precisely the opposite?
Her thoughts trailed off as she overheard muffled voices approaching from the left. She quickly decided to close her eyes and feign sleep. She wasn't ready yet after that dream to talk to anyone. She needed more time to gather herself to work up to all the talking she was going to have to do today. There were introductions, greetings, questions from every direction. Her mind was spinning already considering all of it. She waited for the footsteps to pass her cell but instead they stopped outside.
“Well it seems she’s finally stopped screaming” an unfamiliar voice said from outside her cage. She was suddenly embarrassed. She hadn't known she yelled in her sleep, or said anything for that matter. Lacy wondered how long that had been going on. Her whole life for all she knew.
“Just in time fer the mornin’” Daryl’s cynical voice added.
“Well you don’t expect to put her to work this quickly do you? She passed out from exhaustion only yesterday. She needs rest.” The mystery voice continued. She wondered what they meant by putting her to work. She was hard pressed to think of a role she could play in a group setting. She wasn't good at anything in particular.
“She can stay in there forever for all I care but I’ll be damned if Ricks gonna want ta wait fer her ta wake up ‘fore he comes and talks to her”.
“I suppose your right.” The old age in the second voice was apparent as was the weariness. Everyone seemed to be stretched pretty thin around her. For a moment she considered the idea that she may be of real use to these people. Somehow she might be able to lessen the load they each carried on their battered shoulders. A third pair of feet began to approach.
“Speak a the devil” Daryl mumbled quietly but loud enough for Lacy to hear.
“Mornin’” She heard Rick say as he reached the men standing only feet from her. They all followed the movement of her ribs as she was breathing.
“Daryl I’m gonna need you for back up while I talk to her this mornin’” A soft confirming grunt came from deep within Daryl’s throat before she head the tinkering of keys against each other. Lacy realized faking sleep was one thing but faking waking up was an entirely different thing. She was sure to be figured out as soon as she tried. She briefly considered the clichéd stretching yawn before giving up all together and slowly turning to face the men who were entering her cell. She saw an older gentle man with a receding hairline and a white ponytail in the far back of the group, she also saw that he had crutches and wondered where he found them in a day like today when things like that where one of the first to be looted.
“Lacy?” Rick asked gently
“How are you feeling?” She quickly accessed her body. Her shoulder muscles where tight and her calves felt stiff as well but all together she didn't feel bad at all. In fact just the opposite she felt the better now then she had felt in days. Sure she was a little tired but the men before her looked more tired than she felt at that moment. She met Ricks warm kind eyes with hers feeling nervous as she held his stare.
“I can’t remember the last time I felt like this” She answered honestly yet cryptically. Rick smirked at her standing tall over her while she sat on her cot.
“I've asked you my main questions but there are still some things we need to go over” Lacy nodded flickering here eyes towards the slightly open door behind Rick. Rick didn't miss the motion and addressed it up front.
“Let’s focus on this for now then we can see about cleaning you up and getting some breakfast in you” Lacy felt her heart jump into her throat. Her clothes were stiff with filth and her own stench reached her nose. She longed to scrub away the months of grim built up on her skin. Suddenly she was eager to talk to Rick with her sights set on a clean and full belly. Rick knew how Lacy would react. As soon as he had offered her a shower and food she was putty in his hands.
“Everybody in this group has to pull their own weight. You will be expected to carry out some duties for this group and to help cover the watch shifts. Everyone has to take turns, children are the only exception“.
“No problem” Lacy’s voice cracked.
“You won’t be getting your weapons back just yet” Rick’s words brought them back to her mind. Lacy had almost forgotten about her bow with all that had been going on, after shoving it aside last night it had slipped her mind completely.
“When?” She asked simply.
“You’ll get them back don’t worry. But for now I think everyone would feel safer if they didn't have to worry about an armed stranger walking around where they sleep”. It was hard to argue with Rick and Lacy wasn't about to try. She fought the nakedness she suddenly felt without her bow over her shoulder reminding herself she hadn't had it this whole time and seemed to have survived.
“Lastly ...” Rick began
“I want to inform you that I shoot first and ask questions later when it comes to protectin’ the people in this group.”His eyes grew hard as he spoke.
“Now if you want to stay here that’s fine we can always use more people but be warned that if you so much as think of hurtin’ a single person in here you will have a bullet between your eyes faster than you can say squirrel stew.”
There was a brief pause before Daryl added in a much lighter tone.
“Speakin’ a which, smells like breakfast is ready”.
Lacy felt her stomach grumbling at the exciting prospect of eating breakfast. The threat to her life completely glanced off of her now that food had been reintroduced to the conversation. She couldn't decide what she wanted more, food or a shower. Rick searched her eyes for the answer he needed. He needed to know that he was making the right call letting her out of her cell. Lacy saw his eyes boring into hers she didn't look away or flinch. Rick found what he was looking for it seemed and extended a hand to Lacy. She placed her slender cold hand into his warm callused one. He shook her hand firmly saying
“Welcome to the group Lacy, I’m Rick Grimes”
She noticed the men in the cells door way retreating as Rick helped her to stand up. Rick saw in her eyes a fire he had seen before. There was determination and then there were people like Lacy who were survivors. He could use someone like her on his side. He kept waiting for her to say something to do something but she stayed so still and quiet. She was mysterious. He would have to have his people feel her out and report back to him. It was much easier then interrogating the woman. Backing her into a corner would probably stop her from ever opening up at all. She wasn't a criminal she just wasn't one of them… yet.
Rick led her out of her cell into the morning light and commotion of the camp. He looked out over his people as they moved about talking to each other and carrying out various activities like eating breakfast and mending clothing. Lacy saw in them the difference between surviving and living. She had been surviving in the woods. She ate enough food to keep from dying, she kept her heart beat going through the less then restful nights but she hadn't truly been alive in a long time. She saw as these people laughed and smiled. She saw The Asian man from last night kiss a woman with short brown hair. Lacy felt a pang in the base of her heart as she looked away. Lacy knew that she could start a new life here. She knew that from this point on everything could be different but she was terrified. The risk of rejection was almost enough to drive her back into the woods on her own. At least if she had left on her own she wouldn’t have to face the idea that they just wouldn’t want her to stay. Rick had his eyes on Lacy. Try as he might he couldn't gauge her personality. He had always had great people skills it was one of things about being a cop that he had always excelled in.
“Let me find you some clean clothes and a towel.” Lacy watched Rick descend the stairs and wasn't sure if she should follow him or stay put. Here goes nothing Lacy thought to herself as she mentally prepared herself for what was sure to be the most comfortable of her post Outbreak life.