A Will to Survive

Lacy felt like she had shed a skin when she got cleaned up. She had to talk herself out of staying under the stream of water for the rest of the day. When she could coax herself out of the delightful shower she found the slight chill on her damp skin was somehow just as relaxing after so many days of sweating through her clothes. Her hair was soft and she had brushed all the knots loose. Her scalp was sore from all the tugging and she had lost a lot of volume but her hair actually looked halfway decent. She had been forced to cut the hair tie to get it out sadly. It had been her last one. She couldn't stop deeply inhaling the scent of the soap she had used. It was the best smell in the world; it reminded her of clean sheets. There was a certain amount of lightness to her steps now that only a change towards normalcy, as she once knew it, could make. She felt like she was pounds lighter and regaining a bit of herself. She was surprised by the light pinkness that her skin was and the amount of freckles she had forgotten about across her nose. She ran her hands up and down her bar arms remembering the feeling of smooth skin. The clothes that had been loaned to her consisted of a soft cotton t-shirt and drawstring cargo pants. She ended up liking the cargo pants far more than her beat up Levis. She felt the fabric brushing against her skin and couldn't keep the smile from her face. The unfortunate amount of leg hair dampened her spirits slightly but it was far too much work to maintain smooth legs and she didn’t often wear shorts these days, she knew that next on the itinerary was breakfast so she hurried and made her way towards the smell of food.
Daryl watched as Lacy hungrily ate her helping of breakfast. She sat not so far from him in the buzzing cafeteria where everyone had congregated to eat. He knew what hunger felt like, they all did. He hadn't been satisfied after a meal in a while but what she displayed was ravenous, animalistic. The desperation in the way she ate made him look away. His appetite was fleeting him as he forced himself to eat the rest of his serving. There was a pang in his gut as the completeness of her seclusion became more apparent. He hadn’t once been completely alone since the outbreak though there were times when he had thought he might be better off that way. Seeing How Lacy acted, realizing just how much he still had left to appreciate was in some ways rewarding but in other ways so very heart retching. He wasn’t the feely type but he couldn’t prevent the stir she caused in him, he could only make an effort to keep it under wraps. Lacy felt slightly guilty for wearing these people’s clothes, eating their food and using their water when she didn't even know most of their names, but she couldn't stop herself from gulping down her food like a wild dog. She ignored her desire to lick the bowl clean but with great effort. She looked up and saw eyes darting away from her in every direction. She hadn't realized she was being watched, she had been caught up in the taste and warmth of the food she was eating.

A small woman with short gray hair sat down next to Lacy as she set her now empty bowl on the table.

“You’re Lacy aren't you?” The gentleness in the speaking woman’s posture was comforting to Lacy. She had the disposition of a mother. It was written all over her face, Lacy had seen many women in the social working world that had that same quality. It was a type of undeniable compassion.

“I am” She pulled her lips into a tight obligatory smile. To Carol it looked more like a grimace.

“My name is Carol, I hear you’re going to be staying with us a while”. This was the first Lacy had heard of her being able to stay outside of talking to Rick. As for the people, the ones that had to either accept her or banish her, no one had said a word. In fact she hadn’t actually spoken to almost anyone. She couldn’t help feeling eyes on the back of her head but she had prepared herself mentally for this early in the morning during her shower. She knew to expect curiosity to come her way and rather than respond to the feeling of being watched, the uplifting of those sensitive hairs on the nape of her neck, she ignored it. Lacy was honestly too afraid of opening her mouth right now. She was never good with social interactions and the necessity for them now was only worsening her anxiety over it. This was also her first calm weapon free introduction. The instinct to shake Carols hand came back to Lacy quickly and surprisingly. It felt natural and gave her some solace that there was humanity in her still.

“If you will have me, I don’t have anywhere else to be” Lacy eventually replied in a way that let her say how badly she wanted to stay without using those exact words. Carols eyes smiled when she spoke.

“I have a feeling you’re going to be really good for us. I wanted to welcome you to the group and don’t let them worry you, everyone will warm up to you soon enough”.
Lacy felt a wave of emotion that she couldn't identify. She had forgotten how the right words can be so beautiful and touching. She fought down the urge to cry, no longer numb to the conversations she had, suburban life once made her feel as though conversation could be had with only half a mind. Everyone asked the same questions everyone gave the same answers it was a formality more than a conversation. Not anymore. Now she felt in full force the importance and meaning of every word used. Lacy knew that Carol wouldn't have come to her if she hadn't meant what she said. It reminded her why she had loved English so much in school. Carol laid a dainty hand on Lacy’s shoulder before standing up and slowly making her way back to the cell block. Without another word said for what need be said after that?

Carol Smiled to herself, she loved the feeling of saying exactly what someone needed to hear. She told Lacy what she knew really needed to be said and hoped that was enough to heal some part of that broken girl and keep her there. Daryl moved to stand by the wall still across from Lacy in the cafeteria. She didn't seem to know what to do with herself, looking around the cafeteria standing so very still. She hadn’t let on that she was aware of his gaze. Daryl watched as she looked around almost helplessly. Rick had only told her about breakfast and a shower when he spoke to her this morning. With those two things done she had no task. Lacy was confused by the notion of not having to do something. She had been constantly occupied in the woods. She wasn't sure what to do with time when it was just handed to her to use at her own disposal. Daryl had seen her face when she talked to Carol. It wasn't surprising to see Carol get through someone’s walls. She had a way with her that made her capable of by passing a person’s defenses and reaching them where they live. He didn't even need to hear the conversation he already knew what had happened. Lacy was certainly going to be more guarded with everyone else. He tried to commit Lacy’s face to memory not the face she put on for show but what he had seen Carol bring out. That was the Lacy Rick is waiting to meet, the one he wanted them to report back about. Daryl’s eyes trailed over the clean and rather beautiful new addition to the prison. He couldn’t come up with a reason why she wouldn’t become a permanent part of their prison family, so long as he kept her alive, though it didn’t seem she needed much help with that. He then found himself imagining the roles she may take on within the group, the part she would play, and he couldn’t help placing himself directly into that picture.
Lacy shifted her weight hitting her hands on her pants and looking around her. She felt the need to be useful somehow. What should she do? She thought to herself. Just ask someone if they want help? Glenn had been watching Lacy too. He walked up to her now. He had been waiting for Carol to leave working up the nerve to come talk to Lacy. She didn't smile when he stood in front of her. Out of the handful of encounters she had had so far his was by far the least welcoming. She didn’t have it in her to blame him but there was a certain amount of valid concern for self preservation she felt and her guard immediately went up. She just waited to find out what he needed silently. Glenn cleared his throat and said
“Look I’m sorry I scared you last night, er.. this morning I mean. I just really care about everyone here and I’m tired of losing people all the time. I hope you understand that it’s nothing personal”. Lacy nodded in agreement though there hadn't really been a great many people Lacy lost. For the most part what haunted her were the things she had seen.
“I understand “She said anyway. Regardless of their different viewpoints she accepted his apology and wanted nothing more than to end the awkward conversation she was in.
“I just didn't want to leave a bad impression if you’ll be staying for a while” Glenn said. Lacy felt antsy and itched at her neck nervously. Glenn was calmer now as he let out a sigh. He must have felt the weight of that more than Lacy expected. He still worried what people thought of him she realized. She reflected for a moment and realized she still did too. It’s strange the things that stick even after so much has changed. Most the eyes that Lacy met were cautious ones. They weren't unwelcoming by any means but they were hesitant and guarded just as she imagined hers must look. Sometimes she wished that she wasn’t so aware of her own awkwardness, she didn’t even have the comfort of blissful ignorance, instead she had to be a witness to her own utter failures.
She felt herself wanting to know what each one of them had been through. She wanted to know their stories. Lacy saw a few children run past out the cafeteria door giggling. She recognized the way a child’s laugh chimes musically. It had so much innocence in a world black with sin. Lacy couldn't stop herself before the thought went through her mind, would they live to be adults? She didn't entertain the thought for fear of losing the breakfast she so feverishly ate a moment ago.
Lacy decided to go in search of Rick. He would most likely be the person who decided what she was going to do today. She exited the room after a quickly retreating Daryl whom she hadn't noticed was there to start with. She cherished not having to make any decisions for the time being. It was easy sailing. She wasn't sure where to find Rick so she began asking around while introducing herself to people which proved to be an exhausting task. Most of the people she talked to ether didn't know the answer or suggested that she go ask so and so where to find him; She longed for the convenience of text messaging now. If only people were so easy to reach now a days. As she rounded the last corner looking for Daryl, the last person she had been directed towards, honestly the first she should have gone to, she saw Rick leaning over a table in a room that looked sort of like a library. She approached Rick, Daryl and Tyrees realizing too late that she probably shouldn't be over hearing the conversation they were having. They were all leaning over a map pointing and talking vigorously but in hushed tones.
“We are weak on this whole side of the prison!” Daryl jabbed a dirty finger at the map. There was a raw strength is his set jaw and a flame in his eyes that said ‘I dare you to disagree’.
“But we should fortify the side closest to the road first; if anyone is coming they are going to come in a car”. Ricks replied in a way that said no amount of fire and brimstone from Daryl’s baby blues could ever so much as give him a shiver. Their playing field was plainly even.
“Bull shit!” Daryl said a little louder before continuing with the same amount of pure ferocity that inhabited him down to his very posture. He continued,
“Why waist the gas and bust down the door when ya can sneak in the back door that is fuckin’ unlocked for Christ sake”
“Tryrees?” Rick asked looking pointedly in the direction of the silent man, clearly wanting more view points.
“I dunno guys” Tyreese said timidly looking at Rick and then Daryl before continuing.
“I mean if I were gonna go break in someplace I wouldn’t want to let them know I was coming with some loud ass car. Might as well call them first to tell them I was coming”
Rick let his head hang with both his hands gripping the table’s edge and his elbows locked. He had heard enough to take a step back and go about things their way.
“Alright why don’t we just start on your side and go round fortifying the fences as best we can” Daryl seemed to have won over Rick on some tactile discussion a glimmer of pride in his eyes. This was clearly an important meeting that she had no place observing. Lacy wanted to turn around and walk out but before she had the chance to thaw out her frozen limbs and book it the hell out of there Daryl nodded towards the door and said.
“Heads up fellas, we aint alone no more”. Rick, whose back had been to her this whole time turned to see who had walked in, Lacy met his questioning gaze. She was an entirely separate issue he had to solve that day. He shifted his weight under his mental burden and said with as much a smile as he could muster in that moment.
“Well hi there, you sure clean up well”. Lacy blushed a touch embarrassed to be interrupting something that seemed so far above her and then to be complimented rather than reprimanded.
“I was just… I mean I didn't know… I need a job boss." Lacy said stammering a little out of panic. The weakness behind it instantly brought her blood pressure up. She was being such a fool. You can’t be a sheep in a world of wolves. Rick was a bit surprised that she had come to him. He hadn't expected her to be looking for a task this early. He thought he would find her milling about or more likely sleeping as soon as this meeting was over and deal with her then. He liked her initiative. He had tried so many times to step down as leader and despite the amount of the work load he manage to shed, it always seemed in any time of crisis or whenever the road got a little rocky he was back in the thrown. Daryl had almost always stepped up to support Ricks burdens with him but it still felt to Rick like the prisons fate would always ultimately be up to him. He felt his eyes growing distant as he spoke
“If you’re feelin’ up to it we need someone to take out some of the walkers down by the fences. You won’t be alone and you’ll be on the right side of the fence this time, what do you say?”
“Yeah I can do that.” Lacy agreed before actually knowing what this task entailed. She hoped it wouldn't include guns, she really hated guns.
“I’ll go with her. You guys can finish up here without me”. Tyrees offered. Rick pinched the bridge of his nose with his fore finger and thumb, his stress physically manifesting in this subtle way.
“Yeah, alright, we can do that” Rick said meeting Daryl’s eyes again to confirm with him that Tyrees was no longer needed. Lacy was beginning to get the feeling Daryl was a type of right hand man to Rick. It seemed the needn't speak to communicate. Tyrees started towards her touching fists with Daryl lightly while passing him.
“Come on”. He said to Lacy. With a motion of his hand in the direction they were heading
“We are gonna go stir us some zombie brains” .Lacy felt again that familiar prickle of her neck hairs as the feeling of being watched descended over her.
Down at the edge of the field Lacy realized how important the fences really where. There were probably a dozen flesh sacks pushing against the fence in just this one spot. That’s where Tyrees began using a knife attached to a stick essentially spearing these things before moving slowly down the fence. She picked up her own makeshift spear and began methodically Jabbing feeling decently in control with the fence between her and certain death. She flexed her shoulders lining up between the chain link and thrusting her sharp stick into every skull she could reach. She tugged it back out as quickly as possible and grunted with exertion. She let her body take over and her mind die down for nearly 2 hour before she realized that they had made their way down one long side of the prison. It had put her at ease not having to worry about anything except smothering this threat that was right in front of her. They stood together looking back at the heaps of lifeless bodies. Both of them were sweating and breathing heavily. Lacy was momentarily light headed when she stood straight and tall again. She had pushed herself but she didn't care.
“Damn, I think we have earned ourselves a little break. I haven’t had such a good partner in a while. Lets head back and see what’s going on”. Tyreese smiled at Lacy with approval in his eyes. Lacy leaned her spear against the fence next to the others and began the walk across the field. Tyrees was a comforting presence something like the deadliest teddy bear she had ever met. He didn’t appear to have a mean bone in his body and yet to have survived so long there was no doubt he could protect himself. She could see and feel the sun beating down on her newly exposed skin and there was someone watching them from the guard tower but she couldn't make out much of their face due to the glare. She thought it might be the brunette she saw with Glenn that morning but she couldn't be sure.
Inside she was introduced to some more people. She met a mousy blond girl named Beth and at the same time met Judith a baby of only 8 or so months. Beth was a very pretty girl. She had a pointed nose and big blue eyes, she was fair and the dirt that was brushed across her cheek made her look like a real life Cinderella. Lacy wondered how life had been for Beth before this all happened. She must have been the object of every mans eye. She seemed sweet and nice too which would only have made her more desirable. The baby was a tiny peanut and didn't make much noise. She didn't look like Beth but Lacy didn't ask knowing it would most definitely be a touchy subject. Lacy then spoke to the gray haired man she had seen already, whose name turned out to be Hershel. He was something like the group’s doctor from what she gathered. He checked Lacy’s vital signs and told her that she needed to be drinking more water. She didn't hesitate in taking the bottle he offered her and lovingly sipping the cold fresh tasting water. She didn't tell him about her mornings activities knowing he probably wouldn't approve. She spotted Carol hanging some clothes on a line and went to her side.
“Ah, would you like some help?” Lacy asked hating how sheepish her voice sounded yet again. Carol had urgency about her as she picked up and shook out each item before pinning it up. With the small amount of clothing owned by everyone and the inability to shower frequently this job seemed just as important as every other job Lacy had witnessed since getting here.
“I can’t say no to a little help.” Carol said with a smile. Lacy picked up some clothes trying to repeat exactly what she saw Carol do. Carol glanced over approvingly she hadn't had to give Lacy any instructions. Lacy chewed on her dry lower lip and picked up something else, pants this time.
“So what did you do before this?” Carol asked her voice attentive and curious.
“I was ah, I was in school actually”. Lacy thought about the class work that still waited unfinished for her back across a few states where she once lived. Her half finished final paper on feminism in modern novels.
“School?” Carol asked interest slowing down her practiced hands. She wondered if Lacy was younger then she realized.
“Yeah it’s sort of useless now but I was an English student”. Lacy fiddled with the edge of the waistband as she thought for the millionth time that having been in school for anything more particle would have really come in handy these days.
“Useless? The power of language is never to be underestimated sweetie. Communication isn’t as easy as it seems. It’s probably why Daryl hangs around you so much”. Carol said looking down her nose at her and quickly gesturing with her eyes and smirking. Lacy shrugged her shoulders deciding not to look just yet. She didn't think Daryl had been hanging around much and she certainly hadn't said much to him. You are bound to bump into people when you live in close quarters with them. Yet again as Carol had mentioned it Lacy felt that familiar prickling on her neck that had been occurring al day. Carol and Lacy had reached the bottom of the bin serving as a laundry basket and all the clothes now hung neatly before them.
“Well I better go get started on dinner” Carol said balancing the bin on her hip.
Lacy was still thinking about what Carol had said a moment before when she couldn’t take the creeping feeling on her skin any longer. She turned around and saw Daryl sitting on the second floor railing. He had one foot hanging over the side casually and the other was resting on top the bar. He quickly found something else to watch as soon as she looked back. Daryl didn't know what possessed him to watch her. He told himself he was only doing what Rick asked. He was getting a feel for her; he was keeping track of her. He found himself keeping tabs on her as if he was trying to solve a crime. Which admittedly was kind of overkill. It wasn't for personal gain he told himself again.
Lacy had turned back around towards Carol allowing him the freedom to look at her again. He saw how Lacy's auburn hair shone red in the suns beams filtering through the filthy windows. She looked like an entirely different person than when he had found her yesterday. She still had the bags under her eyes and she looked too thin to be healthy but she was undeniably beautiful. There had to be more important things that needed to be done he realized. Lacy was talking to Carl and some of the younger girls that had come over from Woodbury. She was crouched down in front of them and whatever she was saying to them was turning their pained young faces into a rare smile Woodbury. The thought seized his mind just as soon as it had entered. The Governor flashed trough Daryl’s mind and rage began to build. Hate was a feeling Daryl had no trouble identifying and hate was what he felt towards the Governor. He knew Michone was out looking for him still and part of him wanted to be with her, to be the one to send an arrow through his skull, but he couldn’t leave the prison in Rick’s hands alone and the trail had gone cold. He looked down trying to spot Lacy again to distract himself before he had made the conscious decision to do so.
“Looking for somebody?” Beth’s angelic voice chimed.
“ Nah just keepin’ track a all yall since apparently yall need it”. Daryl said quickly. He took one more quick sweep of the room still not seeing Lacy.
“Well it sure looks like you’re looking for someone” Beth started
“I know someone whose looking for you” A small soft blanket was wrapped around Judith and Beth held her out to Daryl. He took her happily making sure not to let too much show on his face as he began
“Hey there little ass kicker ya miss Uncle Daryl?” The Infant gurgled and giggled in his arms. He wasn't good at showing that he cared he couldn't figure out the logistics of it all but with Judith it was easy. He knew what she wanted, he made her feel safe when he held her and rocked her; and in return Daryl got to feel close to someone. This was the reason he spent so much time with her. She was a beautiful little girl. Her bright eyes hadn't been turned dark and cold like all of theirs.
Beth smiled at them letting her arms hang loose for a while. She seemed to have become like a mother to this child just because she was there when they needed someone. She didn't have any particularly ties to Judith; she was never very close to Laurie if anything she did it for Rick. Rick had tried so hard to be a good father to Carl and every decision he had ever made for this group had been with the intent of protecting Carl, but when Judith came along and Laurie had died he had lost a part of himself. He still took care of them but he couldn’t do it alone, and with his sometimes extended absences and fits of delusion no one would let him do it alone either. Beth brought Judith to visit Daryl in hopes that he could get her to fall asleep. She needed to get Judith to take a nap soon but she was showing no signs of cooperating. Daryl used a gentleness he rarely exercised as he lightly bounced her in the crook of his elbow.
“So Lacy seems nice”. Beth offered
“Grateful too” She added after thinking a moment. Daryl just nodded.
“I think I am already beginning to trust her”. Beth tried for the third time to start a conversation about Lacy. Her doe like eyes falling knowingly on Daryl.
“Yeah well I wouldn't dive in ‘fore ya know how deep the pond is” Daryl said.
Beth had seen him watching Lacy all day. She had seen him lurking in the background the entire time she had been talking to Lacy earlier. Beth was confident she knew more about Daryl then he knew about himself at the moment. He was warming up to her quicker than he liked and he couldn't deal with it. Beth didn't say anything but she noticed his eyes sweep the room again, looking for Lacy no doubt. Beth was excited to see how Lacy would affect this group, what she would bring to the table and so far the biggest change was Daryl. He was the only one behaving differently. Daryl felt how warm Judith made his arms and chest. Her breathing was slowly turning into an even purr. She always fell asleep when he held her. He wished she didn't, he missed looking into her eyes while she slept. Beth thought it odd how someone so dark and angry had such a soft spot for a baby girl. If he had had a daughter he would have been wrapped around her finger.
Beth thought optimistically that Judith was lucky; she would grow up with more than one fatherly figure. It was true it takes a village to raise a child and everyone here loved Judith more than they loved themselves. Beth, being the main care taker, watched everyone that held Judith. It was almost like therapy for all of them. She let Daryl hold her for a few more minutes in silence before she offered her arms to take Judith back noticing now that she had fallen asleep. Beth smiled with relief trying not to wake her in the transition. Daryl stood tall and squared his shoulders trying to regain some of the manliness he usually projected. Beth thanked him with another knowing smile that made Daryl a little uneasy. Then she carried Judith off to lay her down. He hadn't realized he was being used to put the baby to sleep until now.
Rick whistled to Daryl and motioned for him to come down from his perch. Daryl could distinctly hear the sound of a car outside the prison. They had been running low on supplies for Judith She was quickly outgrowing what little clothing they had for her. It must be time to go out on a run but then Daryl saw something in Rick’s eyes that told him something was wrong. Rick didn't want to frighten anyone but there was urgency in him that Daryl couldn't mistake, urgency that Rick meant for only Daryl to see. He quickly leapt over the railing bending his knees to absorb the shock when landing on the ground an entire floor below. He quickly but calmly approached Rick. As soon as he stood outside he knew exactly what was wrong.