A Will to Survive

Lacy sat in her cell holding what looked to her like a useless trinket. She had been up all night and grew to hate her work more and more with each passing instance. Her fingers felt oafish and clumsy as they took on her delicate task. First she had been on night watch, then after, when she returned to her cell for some sleep, she had gotten caught up in making what she now held before her taking her all the way up until now as the sun rose.

In her hand was a very delicate figurine. She had carved it out of the bones of the deer they had hunted just 3 days before. The figure was of a wolf’s head that was only about the size of her thumb nail. She had originally planned to attach it to a necklace which is why there were two hook like edges behind its ears to tie string around but now she just wanted to throw it into the woods. It was meant for Daryl, she had told him she would make something for him in exchange for the coyote pelt. She looked at each detail her frustration mounting, the fur, the teeth, and the growl it held in its tiny but fierce eyes. None of it was as beautiful as the things she used to make. Without the proper tools she couldn’t carve well at all.

Her eyes were critical and unforgiving. It didn't match the picture in her mind. It was not good enough. In the last year her crafting skills had grown rusty from disuse and she needed to practice her art again if she didn't want to lose it. On top of that, the bone had yet to be bleached white by time or by chemical like she previously had used to speed up the process, so it’s off yellow color was unappealing and only added to her discontent. She let out an audible sigh before closing her hand around the figure and dropping her hand to her lap. She would just have to think of something else to give Daryl.

It was morning now, though she wasn't feeling as tired as she had expected. She sat on her cot in the very same cell she had been locked in her first night there. Looking out she could see directly across to a small window also on the second level of the cell block. Light streamed thorough in colorful beams. Every particle of dust caught the light differently as they spiraled around like bugs flying. It was in its own way beautiful. Lacy often took moments like this one to remind herself of the incredible beauty of the simple things. She slid the figure into the breast pocket of her blouse and stood up. She thought for a moment, there must be something she could be doing to help now that everyone was getting up. She was feeling antsy and was itching to go out hunting. She reasoned they must need some more food soon with all the people in the prison the deer and coyote couldn't last them that long. Never the less it had been three days with no hunting and with no hunting that meant no leaving the confines of the prisons fences. The feeling of walls was one that lacy would never appreciate the way the other people of the camp did. Where they saw safety she saw suffocation. It was strange the way she was pulled back and forth. The prison at first was sanctuary then it became entrapment. The woods were once danger now they are freedom. Though being in the woods only feels so comfortable knowing there was a place like this prison to return to for sleep and protection. She couldn’t seem to find peace but then again she had no idea if what she was feeling was the same as the other prison camp mates. It’s possible, she reminded herself, that they felt just as torn as her.

As she hypnotically began taking down and folding laundry that was on clothing lines, she reflected on the claustrophobia she fought against. She saw it as a weakness a flaw. She hated it and was determined to never let the others know of it. There was so much out there to be afraid of. So many things had become dark and awful since the turn yet she was still as scared as a child when it came to being confined. She knew why but it didn’t make her feel any less pathetic for being so unable to move past it. Even after all these years.
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Lacy couldn't see more than a few inches in front of her face, the darkness pierced everything around her and left no light to be found. Her hands grouped the walls as she paced and fumbled around the small damp room. She was only 12. The concrete walls were rough and cold on her hands as she felt the familiar blocks. One, two, and three she counted them as she walked. There were 32 rows on this wall and 40 on the next. Her breathing was ragged the air felt heavy and she couldn't expand her lungs enough no matter how she tried. She focused on staying calm, hyperventilating would only kill her faster. Survival was most important. She sat now and scooted towards the middle of the room away from the walls that threatened to crush her alive. How long had she been down there? Without light or sound she had only a few senses to rely on and found time to difficult to track. Her attention span was short and frantic as panic often caused only furthering her detachment from time. Why? What did I do? She asked herself. She had long given up hope she would ever know the answer.

Her mother was gone; her father claimed she was dead. Lacy wouldn’t believe that though. She refused. Her mother would come to save her one day, if Lacy hoped enough; just maybe it would be true. Lacy knew somewhere in her heart that he wasn’t lying. Though her father was a monster, her own personal bogie man, he was if nothing else honest. She couldn't hold back the tears anymore and she felt them trickle down her face sideways and hit the ground underneath her head. Her hair stuck to her face and only made the room feel smaller. Her father was cruel at times but he loved her. She knew he didn't mean to hurt her; he was probably just drunk and forgot that he had put her down there. He would remember soon and let her out. He would apologize and hug her and buy her ice cream. She denied even to herself what he really was. It was how she survived. She had lived so long knowing the truth but wouldn't admit it. That meant giving up. Suddenly the door at the top of the stairs opened and the brightest light imaginable blinded Lacy. She cried out but couldn't bring her hand up to cover her eyes. The pain of the light on her eyes made her cry harder and her chest heaved involuntarily. She felt hands on her that made her flinch.
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Lacy focused her eyes once more attempting to force her memories back. She had gotten so lost in her thoughts she had starred off into space no longer folding the pants she held in her hands for who knows how long.

“Earth to Lacy.” Glenn was waving a hand in front of her face.

“Oh! S-sorry ah what’s up?” She fumbled around with the pants she held trying to look busy.

“Breakfast is ready, are you alright?” Glenn looked her over, she looked tired but mostly she looked scarred. The way she held her shoulders said she was on the defensive but the day had only just begun, now should be the time that she was the most relaxed. He saw also the furrow in her brow and the depth in her eyes as he waited for her to answer.

“Yeah I just didn't sleep very well.” She lied. He knew immediately she was hiding the truth but he wasn't surprised. Though she had been there for a week or so now almost no one knew anything about her. She was always alone and always silent. They only people she ever seemed to spend time with were Daryl and Beth.

“Lacy” Glenn began hesitantly.

“This world we live in is harsh, it’s dark, it’s cruel and it’s unforgiving. I hate this life sometimes but what always makes a difference, what I fight for, is the people. Every person here is a survivor everyone is strong and we all have lost people". He paused swallowing his emotions as faces flashed through his mind.

“You can talk to me. You can be one of us. You don’t have to hide.” He looked at Lacy now and saw mixed emotions on her face. She hadn't realized she came across so cold. She appreciated these people for their company and generosity. She had only been trying to stay out of everyone’s way. She had shown up and joined their group out of the blue and considered every second she spent there a stolen one. More importantly she was afraid, if she loved these people like it was becoming increasingly hard not to, she would lose them. No matter what she was going to lose someone, everyone and she couldn’t take that. She had yet to accomplish anything to make her feel as though she deserved to be there. She had yet to come up with a reason to leave either.

“Thank you" She couldn't think of any other words to respond with. She opened her mouth but then closed it again as silence fell between them. Glenn had reached out to her and she couldn't reach back. She looked away from him and let his words hang in the air. He waited a moment longer then nodded and walked away. She ran a hand over her face angry at herself for not being able to show Glenn how much she appreciated him and the others. She wanted him to understand but she failed. She felt like her organs were shaking she held her body tall and refused the quakes that her memories had brought on moments ago. She hated thinking of her robbed childhood but found more and more in the world today she couldn't hide from it. Every time she was protecting herself she felt the shadow of what had already been her way of life once upon a time. Beth leaned by the railing on the second floor without Judith for a rare moment. She waved to Lacy when Lacy saw her. Lacy lightly hopped up the stairs to meet Beth.

“Hey” Beth’s voice chimed like a bird singing, it made Lacy’s nerves mellow out almost instantaneously. She had found solace in listening to Beth talk since arriving at the prison. The soothing tones wrapped around her and tickled her like a caressing wind. After Beth laid Judith to bed or else gave her to Rick each night, she would find Lacy and they would talk or share stories before they went to bed.

“Hey” Lacy replied her pained face cracking into a smile for the first time that morning.

“You seem a little off, is everything okay?” Beth asked with concern.

“I’m alright now” Lacy couldn't lie to Beth but said what she did, knowing Beth wouldn't pry for more information.

“I’m glad to hear it” Beth gave Lacy a small nod. Lacy thought for a moment before pulling the wolf’s head from her pocket and closing it inside her hand.

“What have you got there?” Beth asked with curiosity tilting her head and letting the bouncing curls of her ponytail fall over her shoulder. Lacy took a deep breath preparing to explain.

“The other day I was hunting with Daryl and I made a deal with him that I could have the pelt from the coyote if I made him something too. I thought I knew what I’d make but I was up all night and this is all I have to show for it” She opened her palm now so that Beth could take the bone carving. Beth’s eyes fell on the figure in confusion before her gentle hands reached for it. She paused looking to Lacy for confirmation that she could pick it up and examine it. Lacy just nodded her eyebrows pulled down and her brief smile once again replaced by a hard set jaw. Beth looked closely at the wolf.

“Is this made from bone?” She asked Lacy

“Yes it’s from the deer. I was going to make him a necklace, with a coyote fang on either side of the wolf face because he reminds me of a wolf. The other night I realized he wasn't a bird of prey he was a lone wolf but it just turned out so messy I don’t think I can give it to him. Now I have to think of something else to make him and” Beth put a hand up to quiet Lacy who had begun to ramble quickly.
“It’s beautiful” Beth placed the figure back in Lacy’s palm and folded Lacy’s fingers over it. Warmth shot through her at the touch. Beth’s hands were soft and her smile soothing.

“I didn't know you were so talented Lacy. I know Daryl will love it. Whether he will say so or not is another thing but he will love it. Don’t be so hard on yourself". Lacy’s heart leaped. She had often thought of Beth in ways she knew she couldn’t voice. Beth was so soft and gentle Lacy wondered what it would be like to hold her and plant little kisses on her pale nose and rosy cheeks. Lacy was growing more confused every day. She had been medicated before the apocalypse to treat her bipolar disorder and had gone to therapy to deal with her claustrophobia. The medicine made her capable of understanding her emotions much easier. Now with her Past haunting her, her phobias hunting her and her emotions on the run she was feeling less and less in control. She was struggling to keep her head straight. She saw in Beth so much love and life. Beth had hope and purity she expressed often in their discussions that she believed there was good in all people, she believed that the good people would always find a way to win. Listening to Beth in those moments made Lacy reconsider all that she had accepted in life. It made her reconsider her doubts in humanity. She saw Beth’s kindness as proof, she saw how much she hoped and dreamed and knew that if Beth could do it, could hold on to hope, then she could too.

“Lacy”. Beth whispered.

“Talk to me”. Lacy couldn't resist Beth’s request. She sighed lightly too afraid to meet Beth’s piercing blue eyes. She squeezed the wolf’s head pressing its pointed ears into her palm and swallowed her fear.

“I’m bipolar. I’m just having a lot of internal struggles. I don’t know how to trust my own mind.” Lacy felt a huge weight lift after saying the words out loud that was quickly followed up by the fear of being judged harshly for something she couldn't control. She followed up her statement quickly.

“Don’t tell anyone alright, I’m not a nut job.” Beth’s lips pulled lightly to the side in a sort of half smile.

“I had a feeling it was something like that. Lacy you’re so much stronger than you know. You are a fighter and a provider. So don’t dwell. You’re always alone and you’re always so quiet. It’s easy to lose your mind when you turn into a weapon against yourself. There was a time before we found the prison when I didn't want to live anymore.” Lacy looked over at Beth now. She was surprised to hear something like that from her, someone so full of light and joy even in her darkest moods.

“I tried to kill myself. I had just lost all hope. My mother had turned and been shot in front of me and I just tortured myself with the images until it was too much.” Beth’s voice was oddly steady as she recalled something that sounded like a sensitive topic. Lacy was completely riveted by this new piece of Beth she was seeing.

“In the end I realized that the people I was with were what mattered. When the whole world is out to get you, you can’t be out to get yourself. You have to find people, good people. Then with your backs together you can take anything the world throws at you head on”. Lacy was listening intently to Beth finding comfort in every word. She knew how right Beth was and yet she had needed to hear it from someone else someone she could trust more than herself. She absently covered the scars on her wrists by pressing her arms into her sides. She hadn't noticed that Beth had ones just the same as hers though Lacy’s were from long before the walkers. Beth’s half smile came back again and she added

“I've seen them already” Lacy was momentarily embarrassed before changing the topic all together.

“Thank you Beth. You’re the closest thing I've had to a best friend” Lacy considered adding ‘since the world ended’ which was the end to so many of her thoughts but Beth was the kind of friend that Lacy hadn’t ever had. She wondered if it was because she had pushed everyone away or if it was because Lacy had always been meant for a life like this. She couldn't help feeling like she belonged here more than she had belonged anywhere in her life. Beth’s delicate features turned into the most entrancing smile when she thanked Lacy for the compliment.

“So what’s going on with you and Daryl?” Beth asked sounding for the first time in this conversation like the teenage girl she really was. Lacy snickered to herself. She looked up to Daryl for his strength. He was probably the person most like her in the whole camp.

“What do you mean?” Lacy asked innocently.

“I've seen the way he looks at you. He went to Rick to ask him to let you stay. So what’s going on? He doesn't do things like that for just anyone.” Beth had a mischievous look to her as the slight gossip in her came out. Lacy hadn't known that Daryl had gone to Rick. She was touched but also uncomfortable. She had wanted to earn her place herself.

“Nothing is going on really. He has been teaching me some stuff about hunting that I didn't know already. He’s pretty intimidating most the time.” Lacy fondly thought of the time she had been spending with him. She had also thought about Daryl a lot though she never once considered him romantically knowing he was, way, WAY out of her league. Any attempt would only leave her embarrassed and lonelier than before. She looked again to the wolf she still held in her hand. If there was a wolf in her heart so be it. She looked over again to Beth seeing the light playing in her golden hair. She wanted to feel close to someone and with Beth she could have that, with Daryl she had something different, a much more gravitational pull.

“Lacy, you can’t tell me you spend all that time alone with him and you haven’t noticed.” Beth teased Lacy slightly. Lacy didn't want to talk about Daryl anymore, not until she could figure out what was going on in her head. She was over whelming herself today with all her thinking.

“Beth he is someone that will never be in my reach". She placed her hand next to Beth’s on the railing hoping to make a point.

“Finish the necklace and give it to him. Trust me okay?” Beth smiled and walked away now leaving Lacy to her thoughts. Lacy slowly began walking towards her cell thinking again and again about the things Beth had said. She couldn’t turn her brain off it was just going to be one of those days, the ones that have her spinning, directionless and winded before breakfast. Had Daryl been looking at her differently than anyone else? She felt so ridiculous around him. She wanted to be attractive and mysterious but she knew that what was under her skin was just a mess of scars and baggage. Nobody deserved to share that with her. No one should have to.

She went to her cell grabbing her bag which was much lighter now that she had unloaded a portion of her belongings and spread them around her cell. She still hated it in there and hadn’t shut the door once since they stopped locking it. She carried her bow over her shoulder determined to keep it in her sight at all times. She trotted back down to the first floor of the prison passing Carol on the stairs. Lacy had been too busy talking with Beth to eat breakfast but found she wasn’t very hungry regardless. She briefly hoped that Beth had eaten something.

Lacy b-lined for the yards hoping some fresh Georgia air would clear her head and help her focus on something more productive. When she stepped outside the blistering sun began beating down on her mercilessly. One thing she could say about this state was that its summers were far from mild. The light breeze made the heat bearable and Lacy saw she wasn’t the only one outside. Looking for some time alone outside of the dark thick walls she found her way to the middle of the field and sat lightly in the grass. She ran her hands over the blades of grass feeling them tickle against her palms. The grass was almost sticky and it was much taller than your typical yard.

Lacy fumbled around in her pack before pulling out a scrap of deer hide she had been drying and turning into leather the best she could without the convenience of the 21st century world. She had let the hide soak in water and then dry out. She had scrapped any remaining flesh from the hide and had de-haired the other side using a tiny bit of lime she had found among the miscellaneous and mostly useless supplies they had stored in the prison. She had mixed the lime with water and soaked the hide again. Then she had used tree bark to make a sort of tea that she had tanned it in. It wasn’t the best leather most certainly not the highest quality but she could easily make the string for the necklace out of it. She looked at the piece of leather for a few moments longer turning it around in her hands.

Then an idea came to her, one that seemed so much more appropriate for Daryl. A wrist brace. He used a cross bow so he didn’t functionally need the brace the way he would if he used a bow like her but it seemed like something he would be much more likely to wear. She pulled the coyote fangs out of the bags inside pocket and looked at the hide again. She smiled to herself pouring some water onto the leather then taking a sharp tooth in fingers and pressing it firmly into the hide.

Daryl saw Lacy sitting in the field outside the prison from the guard tower. She had been there for some time now. She was just sitting it seemed. He couldn't mistake who it was her vibrant hair color was only made brighter by the Georgia sun. Daryl wiped sweat from his forehead scanning the horizon again before looking back at Lacy. She was becoming a larger part of his daily life. He ignored the urge to go to her.

He would wait for the next person to take watch. He had been there a while it couldn't be much longer. Besides he wasn’t about to let Lacy start effecting him so obviously. He already had to deny to Beth that anything was going on. Her gossipy interest in them irked Daryl. He didn’t like her reading into it so much. Especially when he wasn’t even sure what was going on. He certainly didn’t have time for flowery girly garbage and he wasn’t interested in fooling himself. Never in his life had he worried about girls. He had always known that no one worth having would think twice about him. He had resigned to filling his loneliness with bar skanks. He had told himself that he was using them before they could use him. That it wasn’t wrong. That they asked for it with the way they had thrown themselves at him for free drinks. He would leave in the night and he wouldn't look back.

Now those days were over and he filled his loneliness other ways. He wouldn't talk to people because opening up to them would only make it easier for them to hurt him, it would make him too vulnerable but his loneliness was slightly lifted by just spending small amounts of time with a select few people at the prison. That would have to be enough. Daryl crossed his arms tucking his hands under and leaning his weight into the wall. He heard footsteps on the stairs knowing his shift was over he looked expectantly at the door. Maggie peeked into the room with a small smile

“Hey your free to go, Tyreese and I are on.” She looked around the room quickly.

“Were you up here alone?” Ricks 2 people on guard rule flashed through her mind. Daryl waved her off without saying anything before starting for the stairs. Tyreese and Maggie exchanged a look as he passed them. They each took a spot in the tower so they could get a good view in each direction. Daryl closed the door behind him. His feet carried him towards Lacy before he had told them too. As he got closer his heart beat sped slightly. She was almost lost within the grass as she sat there. She looked like a lioness. Lacy hid something behind her back as he approached her.

“What ya got Red?” Lacy hesitated as she stood up

“You have good timing” She said flatly.

“Do I?” Daryl’s curiosity was peaking as he waited for Lacy to reveal what she was keeping from him.

“You wanted me to make you something in exchange for that pelt right? Well here it is” She pulled out a leather bracer from behind her back. Daryl had almost forgotten about that deal. He hadn’t been serious. He only wanted to pick on Lacy not actually demand a gift. He was momentarily embarrassed as he considered reaching out for it. He hesitated then took the item into his hands. The leather was soft and supple though its edges were raw. Leather didn’t fray like fabric so there was no need to finish the edges. Daryl looked at the lacing. She had pounded holes down two edges and laced the bracer with thinner leather cording presumably the same leather. The other side was intricate. It had both the coyotes fangs on it and a tiny detailed wolfs head. His thumb and forefinger probed the wolf. It appeared to be bone as well. He held the bracer close to his face looking at the detailing around the wolf in the leather. There were faint designs worked into the leather all the way up to the thumb hole and around the other side. Daryl was speechless.

Lacy was growing more and more nervous as he examined her gift. She watched as he passed over each piece of the bracer. She knew each of its flaws. Where she had slipped and misaligned a marking or where a hole wasn’t aligned just right. She didn’t point them out hoping he wouldn't notice. Every second lasted an eternity.

“Ya didn’t have ta do this” Daryl didn’t know what else to say it took him long enough to come up with that pathetic attempt at a thank you.

“A deal is a deal. Your kill your pelt.” Lacy was all business fighting back against the feelings she attached to her gift. She denied them even to herself. It’s only fair she reminded her emotions. You owed him. Now you don’t. That’s all. Daryl looked at it holding it like it was made of glass though he knew it was much sturdier than that. It had been so long he couldn’t remember the last gift he was given. Whatever it was it wasn’t handmade and so thoughtfully appropriate. He quickly decided the best thing he could do was to put it on. He used the busy work of loosening the laces to cover his lack of words. Lacy relaxed slightly when she saw what he was doing. He must like it she thought, or else he is humoring me. Daryl moved his arm around feeling the leather on his skin. He took his cross bow and aimed it towards the fence feeling the brace on his wrist moving with his muscles. The warmness he felt flooded his mind with beginnings of statements. ‘This is so…’, ‘I’ve always…’, ‘I appreciate...’ Nothing felt right. Lowering his weapon Daryl tuned back to face Lacy. She saw something in his eyes she couldn’t identify.

“Thank you” Daryl hadn’t said much at all but Lacy felt between them so much more communicated. She appreciated his simple response and nodded rather than say anything more. Lacy couldn't bear the situation anymore and she turned to look out at the fences. She probed her mind for anything to talk about. Daryl watched her. She held her face in concentration. He wanted to know what she was thinking. He was very aware of the new addition to his wardrobe. He wasn’t accustomed to the feeling of the brace on his wrist. Lacy hated the butterflies in her stomach. It was so much easier to talk to Beth. She could pretend nothing was there. Beth would never suspect anything and she could talk, feel close to her. With Daryl she second guessed herself. She worried about what he thought of her. She felt foolish.

“So what were ya doin’ out here anyway?” Daryl asked Lacy.

“I couldn’t be inside anymore.” She answered. Daryl was beginning to catch on to a trend with Lacy. She seemed to always be looking for exits. She spent half her time outdoors. Or when she was indoors she was on the second floor closest to the windows. He had often seen her cell door wide open at night, the only door that was open in the whole cell block. He didn’t comment that he had noticed. He didn’t want her to know just how much attention he was paying to her. He wasn’t comfortable knowing it himself.

“I was thinkin’ a goin’ huntin’ again tomorrow. We still got meat but I figured we could check out that raspberry bush and maybe look for some other stuff like that.” Daryl peered from the side of his eyes to see how Lacy responded. She still looked forward but she smiled lightly before turning to answer

“Need any help? “

“Need? Nah but ya can tag along if yer bored or somethin’” Daryl didn’t want to sound like he was inviting her even though he very clearly was. You’re doing what Rick asked taking her under your wing Daryl lied to himself. He moved his shoulders remembering the wings on the back of his vest. Lacy ignored his passive dismissal about needing help. She knew how he was. It was the lone wolf coming out of him. She nodded and replied

“Something tells me I will be”