A Will to Survive

It’s odd how water, though colorless, can be so dark. Water is clear and yet no light can penetrate it to its core. At its deepest any body of water is pitch black. Lacy wanted so badly to see something, anything but there wasn’t a chance of that happening. Not here. She had been here before, in this dream before. She could feel the familiar sea bed beneath her soft and cold but somehow she just couldn’t wake up. There was no air. Water filled her mouth and nose, it burned behind her eyes. She could feel the cold touch of the water so deeply in her core that she felt it must have filled her every vein. She was becoming the water. She was coming apart at the seams and dispersing through the liquid, blood mixing with the ocean black as ink. There was an enormous amount of pressure holding her arms down. She couldn’t move. ‘Scream. You need to scream’. She thought that if she could scream she would wake up. That she needed to break the weight on her chest and breathe. She needed to do something. Her mind was growing frantic as she failed over and over again. Being aware of the dream only made it more frustrating and horrifying. ‘You’re weak’ she told herself. ‘You can do this. It’s not real’.

The air that pulled into Lacy’s lungs tasted sweeter than any candy she could remember. Awake at Last. As the fog lifted from her brain it took Lacy a moment to realize she wasn’t alone. That she hadn’t woken up by herself.

“Are you alright? You’re bleeding” The voice of the angel who had rescued Lacy belonged to Beth. The room was dark which meant it must be the middle of the night. Lacy felt hollow like everything she had leaked into that water was left there and the empty carcass that woke up wasn’t really her. Yet her instincts were prepared for whatever danger had brought Beth to her.

“Beth? What’s wrong?” Lacy wiped her hand under her nose coating the back of her hand in the sticky blood that continued to pour freely. She was all business, shed deal with herself when Beth was safe.

“I was up checking on Judith, I heard you screaming” Beth’s voice was fearful. Lacy’s heart sank. She knew she was frightening Beth. Lacy threw her legs over the side of her cot and rested her forehead in her palms.

“Beth. You can go.” A warm hand rested on her shoulder and gave her a small squeeze. Lacy lingered in the feeling though her brain had already accepted Beth’s departure.

“Let’s get you cleaned up first” Beth left the cell for a moment with Lacy’s surprised eyes following her only to return shortly with a damp rag and a candle. She placed the candle on Lacy’s small bedside table. As Beth cleaned the blood from Lacy’s face and neck Lacy stared at the candle, its wax was dripping onto the little lacy table cover it sat on cooling at the bottom and hardening. She watched as the flame continued to jump around frantically. It mesmerized her. She thought of the incredible discovery that fire was. The first person to see it must have felt such amazement.

“Lacy? Look at me.” Lacy snapped out of her trance and looked at Beth in the candle light. Her golden hair looked a blaze as the light flickered over it. Shimmers ran from her scalp as though she were glowing. Lacy could feel a small smile growing over her lips as she looked at Beth in wonderment.

“Thank you, for taking care of me Beth”

“You’re sure you’re okay? You haven’t said anything about your nightmare. You haven’t said anything at all. Do you always get nose bleeds this bad? I can go wake daddy.” The worry on Beth’s face should have set off an alarm. She wanted so badly to reach out and touch Beth’s face and make the frown on her lips leave. Lacy felt as if she were another person. She hadn’t been in control of herself this whole time. She was distracted and unable to communicate. She still hadn’t said anything to reassure Beth. She knew she needed to explain herself; to tell Beth it was alright. She knew it but she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t bring words to her lips. She looked at Beth now as Beth waited for her answer and something came over her. Lacy slid her hand behind Beth’s head snaking it through her soft golden hair and pulled her in. The heat that rushed to her lips in anticipation was unbearable. Her lips crashed over Beth’s and Lacy’s heart soared. For a sweet instance everything was perfect. Then it was over. Beth clambered away crawling backwards on the floor as far away from Lacy as the small cell would allow.

“Beth, wait…I” Beth bolted from the cell the echoes of her feet on the stairs bounced off the walls in every direction. ‘What have you done you idiot’ Lacy felt like she had swallowed a boulder. She couldn’t understand what had come over her. What possessed her to ruin everything her and Beth had. She was one of the few friends Lacy had in this life. She quickly lost any ability to care. If Beth hated her now so be it. Lacy starred flatly at her cell wall. She didn’t move, she still sat exactly where she had been when she first told Beth to leave. She still felt like there was a weight holding her arms down. Slowly the candle began to grow dim. It had burned out just before dawn. The transition of light was the only way Lacy knew time had passed. She replayed Beth’s horrified face as she retreated. She plastered it in her mind and told herself only a monster can make an angel look so sad. ‘Get a grip!’ her inner voice sounded through the cloudy haze she sat in. Then just like that she was up. She stood up immediately suddenly so full of energy she felt she could run for miles. Lacy paced around her room.

The situation was finally sinking in fully. She had fucked up but more importantly she had spent a whole night in some sort of trance for who knows what reason. She was all kinds of crazy might as well just add another cat to the bag. The sounds of her camp mates waking sent a quiver up her spine. Lacy couldn’t face them. Not today. She needed to be far away. She couldn’t run into Beth she couldn’t see any of them. Lacy grabbed her bag and her bow and headed straight outside. With fences every where she couldn’t exactly escape unnoticed, so she did the next best thing she climbed to the roof. Lacy sat in direct sunlight now feeling so completely opposite then she had just hours before when she had been in complete darkness. She was electric her mind unable to keep a single thought. Lacy had been absently scrapping her knuckles against the rough concrete for a while now trying to create something to focus on. ‘Think of the pain on your knuckles. Focus on this one thing.’ There were so many thoughts going through her head she had trouble holding onto anything except her knuckles. Time seemed completely inconceivable to her today. Had it been an hour? Three? Or just a few minutes perhaps. The closest door to her burst open and Lacy heard voices.

“She has ta be somewhere, Maggie was in the tower said aint nobody gone out.” Daryl’s rough voice was only slightly more welcome than the voice she heard next.

“I’m telling you Daryl something’s come over her, She wasn’t herself. What if she’s done something awful.”

“I’m tellin’ ya Barbie, Lacy aint no quitter. Aint no way, no how that’s what this is. She’s prolly just sick of all yall’s bullshit. Needed some space”. The way Daryl defended her reminded Lacy of how easy it was to be around him. She was interested, focusing much more easily now. The two people she cared most for talking about her, in front of her, without knowing she was there. It doesn’t get much juicier than that.

“Daryl if you think you know her so well then just help me find her.”

“Ya ever think maybe she don’t wanna be found?” Lacy could see in her mind’s eye that scowl Daryl was undoubtedly giving Beth now.

“Of course I’ve thought that, which is why I need you to help me. Look you didn’t see her last night. I’m terrified for her. “

“Maybe ya shouldn’t take a kiss like such a bad omen” Daryl spat his words at Beth like acid. He was pissed for having thought for a moment he had a chance with Lacy. Now it seemed that even in the apocalypse he had no game. He got beat by a chick, the farmer’s daughter no less. Lacy buried her face in her arms. ‘He knows, Daryl knows’. It was stomach churning embarrassment at its worst. Somehow this had been her worst fear. Not the eyes that would follow her around camp. Not the fact that undoubtedly there was someone in this camp who would give her shit for being bisexual. The darkest thought that had lodged in her mind was having to learn what Daryl thought of her now.

“Look I don’t need ya trailin’ me all day like some lost puppy. Ya want me ta find her fine. Give me some God damn time”. That must have been enough of an answer because Beth turned and left silently. As soon as the door clicked Daryl whistled three simple notes. ‘There is no way he has figured out you’re up here’ Lacy sat unsure of what his whistle meant fearing the worst. Then came his voice.

“Listen Red, Ether ya come down, or I go up” Lacy closed her eyes and didn’t make a sound afraid to even breathe. She wanted him to think he had been wrong. She heard the familiar sound of an arrow cutting through the air. She opened her eyes just in time to see a lazily launched arrow land a foot to her left and roll slightly towards her.

“Was I close?” Lacy sighed giving in to him was too easy.

“Missed by a mile redneck, why don’t you go back to the shooting range and give a girl some peace”

“I could a told Beth ya were up there, I didn’t. I think that’s enough peace“. His voice was growing louder as he climbed the very same pipe she had climbed to reach the roof. She was glad he hadn’t told Beth where she was, She owed him for that much at least. As his dirty blond hair appeared over the ledge Lacy felt tears welling in her eyes.

“Beth thinks ya gonna opt out” His eyes were all business as he sat a foot or so away. He ignored her tears completely. She was glad; discussing it would only make her more ashamed.

“You know, of all the crazy things I’ve thought in the last 24 hours suicide wasn’t one of them. It’s a good thing too because if I’d thought of it I might of done it”. Lacy couldn’t help a chuckle, somehow it seemed humorous to her in her masochistic state of mind. She looked up and saw anger on Daryl’s face and any hint of the smile she had just held was gone in a flash.

“Is that funny? So ya kissed Barbie n’ ya shouldn’t have. That’s the last straw? There are rottin’ bodies walkin’ round, there are people diein’ everyday. Get yer head out of yer ass and move on. There aint that many people left in the world, can’t start losin’ em over high school musical bullshit like this”. Daryl’s chest was puffed out in defense. He wasn’t just defending himself or the camp he was defending her from her own attack. He protected everyone at all times. He didn’t chose to it just happened.

“I’m sorry” Those too simple words held a million apologies. She was sorry for involving him, for kissing Beth, sometimes for joining this group In the first place. Daryl tossed a small book into Lacys lap.

“What’s this?” Lacy asked as she hesitantly picked up.

“Happy birthday” Lacy had completely forgotten today was her birthday. It had slipped her mind in all of the self pity. With the book in her hands Lacy suddenly felt guilty on a whole new level. Then just like that she shut it off. It was time for her to stop being so selfish. When she opened the book she saw that it was blank.

“English major right?” Daryl asked as if he was unsure but he wasn’t. He had been listening very carefully the other night when she spoke of her past with the group. Daryl saw this broken girl in front of him and he didn’t know how to fix her. He was uncomfortable as he saw her tears falling down her pale cheeks. She was usually so strong and level headed it was what had made her so attractive to him originally. Now he looked at her in this broken state and all he wanted was to heal her. To bring back the fiery Lacy that made his days better. He didn’t even care that she was most likely a lesbian though he might have before this world. He saw her pain and he knew exactly what it felt like. He may not know specifically what her life has been like but it was somehow obvious to him that it was just the same as his, if only in the outcome. She was just like him. He was still trying to turn that new page himself, trying to grow and be the best man he can be. He watched her face as she held the gift, there was an almost raw look of astonishment on her face.

“But I don’t have a pen” Lacy argued still in disbelief. She had wanted so badly to write ever since she had left home. One of her biggest regrets was leaving behind her poetry journal. She had always kept it to let out all that she held inside. Suddenly the idea of starting that again was the most enticing thing she could imagine. This life line he had cast her was more than a dream come true but if she couldn’t actually write in it all this excitement would be for nothing.

“Yeah, I thought a that too” He tossed a package of BIC pens into her lap now.

“Daryl… I don’t know what to say. Thank you. I can’t imagine a more perfect gift.” Daryl looked at his hands waiting for the conversation to turn over he didn’t like compliments. When there was silence Daryl worried about what Lacy was thinking. After her nonchalant comment about suicide he was nervous. He didn’t know what was going on inside her head but he would be responsible if she died. He had given her the idea. Nerves made him more talkative than usual.

“So, Ya always been a lesbian?” Daryl asked flatly. He was caught off guard by the loud boisterous laughter that came from Lacy.

“Are you kidding me? What kind of question is that?” Lacy was laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe. The relief of a comfortable conversation washed over her and left her feeling brand new. She hadn’t realized that what was so awful just a few hours ago could be lifted and shared between them. That talking to Daryl would be so much help. Her mood was volatile today, thrashing from one extreme to another. Today she felt in full force what her bipolar disorder could be but in this joyous moment the jolt of overwhelming positive emotion was worth wile for her. She wondered if her illness had a silver lining a level of pure bliss thrown in the chaotic heap.

“First of all nobody BECOMES a lesbian. You are or you aren’t. Second of all I’m not a lesbian. I’m bisexual.” Daryl’s eyebrows were furrowed as he visibly tried to understand what Lacy was saying. He tried to keep the ball rolling with this conversation sensing the change in the air.

“So what’s that mean? You like everyone?”

“Yeah, it means that gender isn’t important” Lacy held a small smile at Daryl’s childlike explanation. This was a hard thing to understand even for her and he is from Georgia. Georgia wasn’t exactly known for teaching their kids progressive thinking. Daryl leaned back on his hands and used all his concentration to hold back a smile. He had some hope at least. In this life hope was important.

“Ya know it’s kind a nice up here aint it” Daryl looked at his surroundings they were high up which gave him a good field of view. Being able to see what was coming before it came was always something that put him at ease.

“I have to ask you something.” Lacy felt her heart race as she prepared to hear what Daryl would say.

“Yeah?” he looked at her from under his eye lashes chewing on his dirty finger nails absently.

“Do you think I’m crazy?” Daryl wasn’t expecting that question. He sat up straight and thought for a moment. Lacy patiently waited his answer, she knew how Daryl worked. He would answer her when he felt he had the answer.

“I think this whole world is crazy. Some a the shit I seen since it all went to hell … If ya told me I was in a straight jacket locked up somewhere, that this was all in my head.. I might believe ya.” Daryl wasn’t sure if that had answered her question but he didn’t know what else to say. He took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. Then out of the corner of his eye he saw movement, people from inside the prison running out into the fields in panic.

“Fuck!” Daryl yelled as he ran for the pipe and shimmied down. He ran back into the prison to find Rick and figure out what had everyone so worked up. His mind jumped to the worst possibilities first and he kept thinking to himself 'who’s dead?"'. Lacy continued to watch, it was the longest moment of her life. The panic that radiated from everyone was contagious. Here we go Lacy thought to herself as she turned back towards the pipe. She wasn’t going to be any help from up here. It was time to go let off some steam. Whatever it was that went wrong had these people scared shitless. Lacy on the other hand had nothing to lose. She wouldn't be afraid, so she might as well help.