Ash

he used to play the piano for me
at night
when we had one
when I couldn’t sleep
when I would beg
and he’d always act like
he didn’t want to
but I loved his voice so much
so, so much
and when he figured out
that it brought me peace
he’d use it against me
if he was mad
said he’d smash the goddamn thing to pieces
and one night he did
and I cried
not because we had money invested into it
not because I played
but it had been my brother’s
before he went overseas
and never came back
“I should have gone in too, you know? Made something
of myself! Not ended up fucking stuck here in
bum fuck nowhere.”
sometimes
when he gets bad, I leave
I walk through the city streets
and I don’t mind it so much in the summer
when things are beautiful and lively
but the winter is different
I stay in motels with the little bit of money
I keep from my tips
and tell him I’m with Andi
he doesn’t realize
that Andi
isn’t even real.
he’s only caught me once
when I said I was going to work
but really
I spent the day in the park
and he was angry
said if I ever lied again,
I’d be sorry
and I apologized
said it wouldn’t happen again
you’ll never catch me again
so now I’m more careful
because I know he wouldn’t hit me
wouldn’t lay a hand on me
no, I’d just get ignored
for days
weeks
once for a month
but the cold shoulder hurts worse than
any warm hand
placed on me
out of anger.