May I Say I Loved You More

Picture it: two boys, one bed, and a bottle of Jameson being passed back and forth between them. A breathy laugh resounds throughout the room, bouncing off the sterile walls while the beep of an IV machine makes one of them jump, automatically making him hit the call button to alert the nurse.

She enters seconds later, smiling lightly at the scene unfolding in front of her. It’s different today and everyone on the fourth floor of Mercy General Hospital knows it. That is why instead of cuddling up, watching a movie on the raven-haired boy’s laptop, the two lovebirds are drinking away, telling heartwarming stories – ones that are forever burned into their memories.

The nurse does her best not to interfere as she swaps out the bags of liquid, replacing them with haste so the boys will have their time alone. After switching out the medication and restarting the machine she pulls away from their moment, ready to leave them in peace.

Kellin is the first to look up, giving her a dejected smile. The hint of gloom is quick to disappear when Vic leans up, eyes falling on Kellin and the woman standing timidly by the door. “Thank you, Becky.” Vic speaks, lips although cracked and dry, curve into a beam, the same one that he had back when he was young and healthy.

“Yes, thank you.” Kellin adds on, his head now falling onto Vic’s, face squishing against the softness of Vic’s brown curls. He inhales deeply, the smell of antiseptic and fast food invading his nostrils before anything else. Only a faint dab of Vic’s cologne is still present, but behind the disinfectant and greasy fries, Kellin can still smell it. And it smells like home.

Becky does her best to smile, but it’s hard as tears are now pricking at her eyes. She’s quick to wipe them away before the tanned boy in the bed sees. It was a promise she made to him a little over a month ago. No tears would be shed, at least not while he could see them. “You boys are more than welcome. If you need anything else…” Her voice begins to give out and she knows it’s time to go, so she does just that. Ducking out of the room and into the hall, she gives the two their much needed privacy and waits for the day to carry on and the inevitable press of that dreaded bell.

Back inside the room, Vic is sitting up again. It’s common for someone in his condition to have normal days, which is one of the hardest parts about Vic’s illness. One minute he’ll be up and talking as if nothing is wrong but a mere scratch, and then within seconds everything turns and he’s on his stomach, sides clenching and turning as he upheaves the contents of his stomach.

Kellin can’t do anything but sit back and watch as the love of his life deteriorates in front of him. No matter how hard he tries, nothing works, it can’t. Vic’s got an expiration date and no medicine (or money, Kellin checked) in the world could stop that from happening.

“How are you feeling now?” Kellin whispers, taking the bottle out of Vic’s hand and setting in on the table provided; at least for the time being.

Vic shrugs and shifts in the uncomfortable bed provided. Thinking it over now, he wishes he would have made the decision to stay at home, but he knew for Kellin’s sake he couldn’t do that. If Vic were to die in the place where they lived, Kellin would never be able to look at it the same.

“I’m alright, but I think we should keep up the talking. It helps.” Vic looks over to his boyfriend of five years, eyes no longer shining with hope. The beautiful luster that once illuminated his brown orbs was long gone. Still, wide as saucers, they’re just as beautiful as they were the first day Kellin ever saw them. Vic still has that flawless smile that Kellin fell in love with. More importantly, even though he’s weak and tired and unable to eat on his own, Vic is still Vic. And Kellin loves him all the same.

Kellin nods at Vic’s request, grabbing the whiskey bottle once more. “I think it was your turn this time, right?” He swallows hard, the lump in his throat burning more than the alcohol he’s been consuming. It’s been hard, trying to keep up the strong façade, but for Vic he’d do absolutely anything. Bringing the bottle to his mouth, he let the liquid trickle past his lips as he waited for Vic to begin his tale.

Vic watches in amazement. Kellin is truly beautiful. This blue-eyed, pale skinned charmer walked into his life around seven years ago and he hasn’t been the same since. Everything Kellin did made him feel alive in the most remarkable ways. With Kellin by his side, he felt as though he could take on the world. And for the past five years, he has.

“Baby?” Kellin asks him quietly, careful not to disrupt the calm atmosphere of the room. He notices that Vic checked out momentarily and he grins, bringing a hand up to caress his cheek, the skin soft and warm, indicating a fever has already started. Against his wishes, his body betrays him, the muscles of his face dropping to a frown. Lips quivering, he takes another swig, each one bigger than the last.

“Sorry, Kels.” Vic croaks, clearing his throat and shifting yet again. It seems hard for him to find a position, but eventually he manages and reaches for the bottle, gently trying to pull it from Kellin’s tensed hands.

Vic sees the change in his boyfriend’s behavior and although he hopes Kellin will be able to let it go for the night, he knows that’s not the case. So, he does what they’ve been doing the entire day; he speaks.

“Remember that time you climbed through my window?” His laugh is adorable as he mutters out the words.

Still drinking, Kellin chokes on the drink, sputtering and coughing incessantly. Vic continues to watch as his love tries to catch a breath, gasping for air in between coughs. Once his episode is done, Vic manages to pry the bottle from Kellin’s grip, taking a sip for himself. Mixing alcohol with medication is frowned upon, yes, but at this point in time the safety hazards really mean nothing.

“Of course I remember. Do you honestly think I’d forget that?” He nudges Vic with his leg, maneuvering an arm around his shoulder to bring the fragile boy tight into his body.

Vic simply shrugs and takes another sip before passing the bottle back to Kellin. “No, I know you wouldn’t.”

“I remember calling you late that night because I had a dream about you,” Kellin says into the air, his fingers dancing up and down Vic’s arm where the hospital gown slid up. “I also remember telling you about that dream.”

“In great detail, too.” Vic giggled, snuggling closer to Kellin’s warmth, shivering at the tingle of his fingers.

“Shut up, I was a young boy. It was exciting to me. Don’t pretend like you didn’t like it.” Kellin teased, using the hand that wasn’t wrapped around Vic to poke him. “Feels like it was just yesterday, doesn’t it?”

Vic nodded in agreement, suddenly becoming rather tired. “Tell me about it, Kellin.”



It was about four months after Kellin and Vic had started dating. Everything was still in that sweet, sugary honeymoon faze where they were always attached at the hip, never separating for even a second. It was adorable, really, but like many relationships, everyone was certain they would fizzle out.

Determined to never let that happen, Kellin made sure to fill Vic in on everything, even if that meant calling him at 1:30 in the morning on a school night to tell him about a rather vivid and explicit dream he had involving the two of them…and hot fudge.

“Kellin, did you really have to tell me this?” Vic scrunched his nose in disapproval, remembering some of the details Kellin had shared.

“Of course I did,” Kellin stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “It’s you, I tell you everything.”

Though Kellin was ridiculous, he was charming, and Vic adored that about him. He sighed into the receiver, looking over at his alarm. In a few hours he’d have to get up for school; Kellin would have to do the same, but a thought crossed his mind and deciding to live while he’s still young, he rolled with it.

“Come over,” Vic said sleepily. “I just want to see you. And I don’t know, maybe kiss you a bit. I miss you, you know?”

“You just saw me earlier today,” Kellin laughed, but on his end he was already slipping on his shoes and frantically looking for a clean hoodie to wear.

Vic shrugged, assuming Kellin knew what he was doing. “Yeah, but that was,” he looked at his clock again, counting back the time, “like seven hours ago. You really think I like being without you for that long?”

“You’re addicted, I knew it.” Kellin said with a cocky tone. He knew from the moment they started dating that Vic would fall hard, and he was right, but it was okay, because Kellin fell hard, too.

“Just shut up and come here!” Vic nearly whined, pressing his fingers to his temples in frustration.

“I’m already on my way, love. I’ll see you in a few.” Kellin ended the call with reluctance, but hopped into his car anyway and started for Vic’s house.

Still so early in the morning, he knew that the only way to get into see his boyfriend would be to climb through his window, but that wasn’t going to be an easy task seeing as how Vic’s house was two-stories and Vic’s room was on the side without the shed for leverage. To give himself a few extra minutes to devise a plan of entry, he took the scenic route, admiring the way the California lights lit up the sky in the small city.

When he finally arrived, he parked a few houses away so he wouldn’t give himself away. Pulling out his phone he shot a quick text to Vic letting him know of his arrival. As he approached the house, he saw the familiar figure leaning out of the window, grinning widely when Kellin came into view.

“You made it!” Vic whisper yelled, encouraging Kellin with a wave of his hand to come up.

“I’d never leave you hanging,” Kellin replied, grasping onto the fence that surrounded Vic’s residence, careful to not shake and rattle it. Any suspicious noise would give Vic’s parents reason to investigate. It came as a struggle as Kellin tried to link his feet into the grooves of the barricade, slipping every so often and scraping his jeans. “Vic, I can’t.”

Up in the window, Vic gave him a pout. Dangling his upper body out, he caught Kellin’s attention. “You know, if you scale that fence I’m pretty sure I have some chocolate syrup downstairs…” Hoping his offer was tempting enough to get Kellin to try again, he smiled.

“Such…a…tease…” Kellin huffed, but with one final pull he was up and over, falling on his back, hard on the other side. “Ow, shit.”

Vic laughed at the sight, grasping at his chest as if he were trying to find more air. “Oh my God, you’re so graceful.”

“You’re a little shit and I’m coming for you,” Kellin murmured, standing up and walking to the small overhang that was placed above the backdoor of Vic’s house. One jump, failed. Two jumps, failed. The third was the final as he finally found his grip, using what small upper body strength he had to climb over the awning and steadily walking the few spaces to Vic’s window.

“Hey,” Vic smiled, grabbing Kellin by the shirt and pulling him in. Once again, Kellin collided with the ground, but this time he at least had Vic’s strong arms to hold him safe. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Well, I’d swim a fucking ocean for you, Vic.” Kellin stated, standing up and bringing Vic up with him. Hands cupping Vic’s face he stared at him for a brief moment, admiring the way the silver lighting of the moon enhanced the beauty that was his boyfriend. “I love you so much,” Kellin breathed, crashing their lips together in a warm, passionate kiss.

Vic’s hands flew to Kellin’s hair, tangling his fingers in the silky strands. It was a perfect moment, one that would be locked away in their mind’s history books. When air was needed, Vic pushed away, his hands still clinging to the boy in front of him. “I love you more,” he said shyly, resting his forehead against Kellin’s.

“You know that’s not possible,” Kellin added, scooping Vic up and carrying him to his bed where he spent the night with him, just sleeping soundly as they breathed in one another.



Their love never did fizzle out. They made it through high school and Vic’s first year of college still going strong.

The two boys were sporting smiles after the little flashback was told, warmth residing in both of them. It was definitely a memorable moment and a perfect story for a time like this. No better story could explain Kellin and Vic like that one.

“Kellin, I’m sleepy,” Vic murmurs, rolling his body into the comfort of Kellin. Those caring arms squeeze him harder than they ever have, pulling him as close as possible. Any space that may hang between them had to be diminished, or Kellin wouldn’t be satisfied.

Inhaling deeply, Kellin speaks. “Maybe it’s time to sleep, Vic.” The lump in his throat is back, his chest rising and falling harder than before. Any time Vic went to sleep it was like playing a game of Russian roulette, only this time, Kellin knows that he would probably lose.

“Okay,” was all Vic mutters, reaching down to bring up the blanket to cover the both of them.

“Vic?” Kellin’s voice cracks, tears silently streaming down his cheeks. “I love you. I love you so much, more than I’ve ever loved anyone. Each moment spent with you has been a blessing and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You mean absolutely everything to me.”

He says these words because he’s afraid that Vic won’t wake up. Saying this out loud lets Vic know how Kellin feels and in a way, it settles Kellin’s ever-breaking heart, knowing that he has enough memories stored for a lifetime.

“I love you more, Kellin,” Vic breathes, his eyelids growing heavy as his breath begins to even out. With what little strength he has, he manages to push his head up, peering into Kellin’s watering blue eyes.

“That’s not possible,” Kellin mumbles a cascade of water down his cheeks.

“Oh, shut up,” Vic teases for what feels like the last time and as he watches Kellin’s face, he swears he sees a small smile, which in turn makes Vic release a light giggle, the lightest he can manage. “You’re my angel, Kellin.” He says softly, the words finding home in Kellin’s fast beating heart.

“You’re mine, too.”

The whiskey bottle is now back on the table as Vic’s eyes flutter closed. Kellin uses both arms to embrace him in the tightest grip he can muster. He has no thoughts of letting go, not at all, not ever. “Go to sleep, baby,” he whispers into Vic’s hair, his warm body still breathing, moving against his own.

He’s growing tired too and as he drifts off, he thinks of Vic, just like he always does and although it seems impossible he hopes that when he wakes, he’ll have at least another day.



A few hours later, Kellin opens his eyes. His immediate reaction is to look at the boy cuddled into him, and that’s when he notices. Vic’s once shifting body is still. The heartbeat beneath his fingertips has stopped, the lifeline he had grown to depend on is gone.

He sits up immediately, hands going to Vic’s lifeless body. “Vic?” His voice breaks, tears welling up, even though he so desperately wants to hold them back. “Vic, wake up.” He tries, but he knows it’s useless, maybe even a little silly. “Vic, please…” He’s desperate now, shaking the body of his beautiful boyfriend.

It does nothing, though and Kellin knows what he has to do. Letting his wall break, he falls onto Vic, loud, heart-wrenching sobs pouring from his small body as he begs and pleads for Vic to come back to him. Somehow through his breakdown, he manages to find the controller, clicking that dreaded call button and letting it fall to the floor with a loud bang.

The nurses are quick to rush in, eyes already red with tears as they knew this moment was coming. A few males come in, prying Kellin away from the boy he had grown to love so much. He faces Becky, the nurse that Vic had developed a friendship with and nods, stepping back as they wheel Vic out of the room, away from Kellin forever.

Left on his own, he stands trembling, tears streaming down his face, soaking the collar of his shirt, but he doesn’t care. With as much strength as he can, he manages to speak, “I love you, Vic,” and in his mind he can hear Vic say, “I love you more.”

And just like always, Kellin shakes his head, droplets splatter all around him.

“Not possible.”