Tell Me Why?

“AND TONIGHT, ONE NIGHT ONLY, THE MAN OF THE HOUR, THE ONE YOU WHERE ALL WAITING FOR, RENWICK SMITH” the announcer boomed over the speakers, with fury, outside the crowd cheered, screams chanting the name like a Celtic song, begging for the lead singer of "“Darkswipe”" to make his appearance on stage, and soon he would be.

With one last nod to his manager backstage and a lingering look towards the reserved seat, he wished she would have occupied, Renwick walked out of the darkness of his place behind the curtain and into the spotlight.

The love, adoration and worship that lighted up the faces of millions suddenly didn't seem to make him feel the same thrill that night, and he of course had to remind himself why.... dammit what was with the word, it was that stupid “why” that had started all this in the first place, he shouldn't be thinking about it, not in the middle of a performance, not now when his fans needed him to give them the best “Darkswipe” could offer.

Hell, he was a fucking rock star, why couldn't he get his act together that night?...

Ohh but of course, Renwick already knew why...
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“Do you think I'm pretty Ren? Like the other girls you date” Clara asked breaking the silence that had settled over their peaceful afternoon, with her beautiful innocent eyes, she usually never asked Ren his opinion about her, of course he did not know that the only reason she avoided doing so at all costs was the biggest testament to the amount of love she held secretly for him since they were children, Clara simply did not want to hear him say anything derogatory about her because it would most likely send her deep into self-doubt and make her hate herself

Ren who was standing behind the kitchen counter, calmly frying some eggs, was surprised at her question, Clara normally was the kind of girl that lived her life reassured of her own self-worth, she never compared herself to other people, and even subconsciously he also never did, in his mind Clara was a genre apart, never belonging to that folder of females he had met during his life, it had been that way since Clara and him had gone to kindergarten and deep down he knew why in his head he had long ago separated Clara from the all the rest of the other girls “No you are not” he replied shrugging his shoulders before continuing his sentence “you are attractive, of course, you have known that all your life, but not like the girls I date” he proceeded to flip the eggs on a plate “you are different from them, special” seemingly engrossed in his task, so without turning to face her petite form he shrugged “you know you are”

Clara looked at his back for a moment debating on whether or not to continue that line of conversation, yet now that she had opened it, she might as well keep going “Why?” she asked at first with curiosity then with real interest “why am I special?”

Ren looked up from the plates he was setting, she was perched on the counter of the kitchen island, one leg crossed over the other wearing a red lace blouse with a black skirt, tights and a nice pair of high heels, looking the picture of carefree ease, her presumed her outfit was put together because of its casual practicality, it would look good in many unexpected situations if she ever needed to veer out of schedule, but then again, when was Clara not perfectly put together?. “You have always been one of a kind” he replied offhandedly once again trying to brush off her question “I’ve known you since we were children does that alone not make you special?” he tried giving her a playful wink but she just shook her head.

“No, I want you to tell me a reason” Clara poked making fun of him slightly miffed at his brush off

“I don’t have to”

“Yes you”

“Or what?”

“I’ll get angry, now tell me why I’m sooo different”

“Just drop the subject Clara”

“NO” Clara protested “stop trying to change the topic!” they didn't often have these types of conversations but she knew they generally went in the same way, she asked something she expected a serious answer of, and he replied with a joke or a sarcastic deflection that left her not wanting to ask again just out of sheer fury, and this time, this was an answer she wanted to have, she realized, it was an answer she had been waiting to have since Ren and her had drifted apart after senior year “you have known, Kelly, Lucy and another long list of friends since childhood also, yet you don't treat them the way you treat me”

“maybe that just means you are extra special” Ren didn't like where her questions where going, hell, he would give an arm to never have to give her the answer he knew deep down he would eventually be forced to give her, but she didn't stop.

“Why?” eyes flashing with fury Clara jumped, off the counter and rapidly made her way to his form.

“Does it matter?”

“yes it does” she pressed “it matters to me”

“why?” he snapped back feeling her closing in until she was right in front of him, her brown eyes keen on his, determination shining through them and like a reflex mechanism his mouth had whenever she got too close to his physical space, his body tensed and his mouth prepared to fling sharp hurtful words at her.

“because I want to know” she cried throwing her hands in the air “I want to know what is it that I have that makes me so different than all your other gal pals, that has made me so different since we were children, not just now, but since forever” Clara closed her eyes and sighed, she rarely liked to quarrel with Ren, but that little “why” had been burning trough her mind for years, and she supposed now was a good time as any to ask.

Ren and Clara had met at age seven, their mothers had enrolled them both in the same junior painting class and while Clara had been the awkward little prodigy girl people hounded just to ask her uncomfortable questions.

Ren had been her polar opposite, he had been the class resident trouble maker, and once he had taken a shine to Clara's smart mouth he declared her his new best friend. That had been it for them, just two kids in their own world of magic and fairytales until puberty hit and things got messy.

And by messy it meant that Ren's temperament began to change, bad things were happening in his personal life that he never talked about to any of his friends, so he began hanging out with the popular crowd, started becoming the typical no-brains bad boy quarterback with the cheerleader girlfriend before Clara's own eyes, yet she never stopped being his friend, despite the fact that she grew to become the student council energy filled vice-president and dated the student council's actual president.

Ren's relationship with Clara through high school had been something no soul could understand, their families said that they were “friends”, others said “siblings” some even said “lovers” because of the way Clara would cling to Ren's arm when they were seen together and Ren had placed a ban with his popular friends on spreading rumors about her, sometimes Ren and Clara themselves didn't understand it, maybe it was Clara's love for him that kept her from throwing the towel time and time again when he tried to push her
away with hurtful words, or maybe it was the fact that for Ren, Clara was he only one who could, in her own way, see the real him behind the bad boy mask.

Now at twenty six, Ren was the leading singer of a famous rock band called “Darkswipe”, and Clara who was two years younger than him, had made it as a successful children's book novelist beloved by the press. As far as old childhood friends went, they could not have grown up to be more different, despite being very tight once upon a time.

It actually had started after graduation, back when Clara's first book was in the process of finding a publisher and Ren's band was just getting promoted on indie music festivals, both had been too busy to keep in touch over anything more than Facebook or the occasional tweet, one with his music the other with her writing. their lives had been like two streams running parallel to each other, as his fame rocketed to the sky and hers grew with a steady pace, his perspective of all the people around him changed, as did his personality, towards all except her.

She was right, during her whole life, she had always been the exception to both his joys and his dark moods, the ghost of her hand always reaching out, like a whisper, reminding him of the past, the place he came from, the light only she seemed to see amidst all of his darkness, because while his fame had given him the power of a God, hers had kept her surprisingly grounded, until Ren slowly started to hate her, beautiful, kept together Clara, never changed, even after all those years, she remained as loyal and hopeful as ever, her eyes the same at twenty four as they had been at age ten, and he hated her, because Clara was what Ren could have been if only he hadn't screwed up his life so much.

his wedding to Mara when he was twenty had been the last nail in the coffin, it didn't matter that his marriage to the bimbo had not last a fortnight, Ren knew it was part of the reason Clara had distanced herself from him and stopped trying as hard to reach out for him, Mara had seen her as a threat and accordingly set out to make her feel uncomfortable every time she could, yet as much as he had wanted to cut his friendship with Clara for good, during the past years, he never could bring himself to, limiting himself to seeing her four or five times a year when he went home for the holidays or their schedules coincided in one city was one thing, but not seeing her ever again. That was something else...

"Why am I the exception Ren? why me?, why was I always the girl you wouldn't look twice at yet always rescued from high school bullies at the end of the day?, why did you screw around with all my friends, hell why did you destroy their reputations like nothing, yet when it came to me, I was the one left standing" Clara screamed with her small hands balled into fists, her heels digging into the plush carpet, almost looking like she could harm him with one word.

Looking into the eyes of the devil and asking him why he lived in hell.

"I want to know why!, why there where pictures of all of our other friends with you in your bedroom and yet all the pictures you had with me disappeared from sight every other day, why when you got angry people just ran out to get me, why was I the one person you wouldn't yell at ever, why was I the only girl in the universe you seemed not to see, and yet....why am I the only one you ever let in?" she was crying now, while Ren just stood there listening to her vent her feelings out into the echo of the empty penthouse.

"because you are different dammit Clara, do you really want to know?, do you really want to know why all these years you have been the only fucking girl in my life be the exception?, why I let Mara behave that awfully to you knowing exactly what kind of hellion she was? Why I can't even look at you without hating you?”

Clara gasped swallowing a sob “yes, I do” they were shouting now, his eyes had taken that hard edge that warned her he was about to purposefully hurt her, and Clara had the feeling that this time her fragile heart might not be able to take the blow. “Why hate me if I haven't done anything wrong?”

“I hate you because you fucking care Clara!, I hate the way my face looks like when I look into your eyes, I hate that after all this time you still think you should babysit me, I hate it when you speak and hold back because you are afraid I'll do something to push you away, and I hate that you are afraid even now, I'm not some sort of monster, in fact I've been a monster to everyone EXCEPT you, I also hate the way I feel when you ask questions I don't fucking want to answer” he shouted flinging the first thing he could find (a misplaced china figure) in her opposite direction and proceeding to do away with the rest of the cabinet of expensive decor.

Clara had never seen him become violent in her presence, she had heard it happened often on his tours of course but Ren always took care of being perfectly pleasant and cocky when it came to her, right then she could see his dark side in full power, his narrowed eyes and hard jaw set in a burning glare that made her feel as though she could die “and you think I don’t?” she confessed holding back her tears letting him know how much she loathed herself, not once flinching from the debris his exposed rage was creating “you think I don't hate myself for it too, even when you won’t notice any of it, I care!, and you don't return it, not even a little”

“THEN STOP” Ren shot back with anger “nobody asked you to care, I certainly never did, and I'm sure your life would be a whole lot better if you didn't have to see the train wreck of a rock star that keeps destroying things around him” again he flung something else, yet Clara only kept inching closer, he could see his reflection in the glassy mirror of her sad brown eyes, she wasn't one to ever back off from a challenge even if said challenge seemed like he was going to hurt her in his fury “STOP CARING if it's so much trouble, do it once and for all!” he shouted angry at both himself and her, because he didn't understand his feelings any more than he could understand her.

“I CAN'T” she replied throwing her hands up in the air with tearful frustration, looking away from him not daring to watch how much fury was directed at her, even if he had just confessed he hated her, she wanted to hope he didn't mean it, yet her heart had been through this dance so many times, she was starting to believe he actually did “every time something goes wrong, every time you trash a hotel room or beat up a paparazzi, I hear it about it and wonder if you are okay, and it hurts me, because I can't talk to you about it, those are the days I curl up in my bed and tell myself I'm so stupid for caring, dammit Ren, it hurts, it hurts like hell to care about you when everybody else has given up but I still do and I hate myself for it”

the raw pain in her voice hit him like a punch, in a way only she could, the girl who had only stood by his side because of the fact she was stronger than the average miss, was admitting to a weakness, admitting to being less than brave, she was giving him the key to that one imperfection that had kept her perfect in his eyes “then why do you still care?” he whispered, feeling how her tears where poking a hole in his anger.

but she's was not allowing herself to full on cry with him there, one of the many conditions he tacitly set up for her if she where to continue the crazy feeding the tiger dance she had been doing for years...I don't do emotions Clara, turning on the waterworks is a terribly ugly form of manipulation in females don't you think?. So she had hardened herself if only for his sake, because she cared, and right then, he could see, caring for him was murdering her spirit.

Clara allowed a few tears drop from her eyes, tiny perfect crystal tears hitting the porcelain floor, taking a few more steps towards him, not caring for the destruction of furniture surrounding her, oblivious to what should have made her run as she always was, “Because” she replied in a soft broken voice “I still believe in the boy that said he would protect me from the dragons under my bed in second grade” lifting her hand to his cheek she brushed his cheek in the same loving motion she used to make during their teenage years, her eyes ever shining, always filled with hope “the boy with mischief in his eyes that saw a lonely little girl sitting by herself with a copy of the Grimm’s fairytales and didn't care what others thought about her” when he made no move to remove her hand from his face, Clara couldn't help but wish this wasn't the end, but what Ren had made her realize was that maybe he was right, something had to give “I care because I still believe in the part of you that isn't made of all this” she motioned to the space around him “the you I used to know, the one I'm convinced is still in there”

“Clara I..” he wanted to say, wanted to tell her he wasn't good enough for her, that her friendship had been the only thing keeping him grounded for a long time, he wanted to both draw her into his arms and push her away, yet her next words shattered him completely

“No, Ren, I still believe in you, but it hurts me more with every passing day” and then the sob broke out, a ugly imperfect sob that wasn't anything like how he imagined Clara's sobs sounded like “And I realize it now, if you can't even tell my why you have always held me in a bubble apart from the rest of the things around you then maybe you are right, I shouldn't be doing this anymore” she went to remove her hand but he held it there, his deep green eyes holding the you novelist prisoner in his gaze.

“you have always been so smart Clara” he murmured, this was it, she was finally leaving, he had finally succeeded in driving her away, then why was he feeling that painful tightening in his chest, why was the idea of not hearing from her again so inconceivable to entertain “always going the extra mile when others couldn't be bothered, always digging deeper when it came to me, never accepting anything less than what was beyond the surface” Ren whispered taking her hand “it's one of the reasons I can't stand seeing your face, you remind me I used to be good enough before I began self-destructing, I used to be the type of guy that deserved to have someone like you at his side” he confessed relishing the last minutes of the warmth in her hand.

“And you still are” she said with conviction over the broken melody that played in their hearts “but I turn twenty five next week Ren, I can't keep doing this, it's not healthy for me, I can't keep coming and leaving pretending it's okay to be treated like nothing more than an old acquaintance because it hurts”

“I never wanted to hurt you, all I've ever done is to avoid hurting you, can't you understand?” Ren asked taking a step towards her but she just shook her head, for once Clara was the one doing the talking.

“No, I can't, I never could understand what you thought of me, I still can't and it hurts so much” Clara said grasping her aching chest “I'm sick of hurting Renwick, I'm sick of having pain shoot trough my chest every time you try to push me away by saying mean things on purpose, I'm sick of knowing you are hurting and not being able to do anything about it because you just won't let me, can't you see I'm too old for this?” then she turned to pick up her purse, ready to walk out the door “I care about you Ren, and it's killing me”

“I know” he whispered watching her retreating figure walk away from him “Clara please don't” ..Leave he wanted to plead, but his stubborn pride would not let him, not when she had all but confessed she loved him, not when letting her walk was so much easier.

“then give me a reason to stay”

“I-I-I---please Clara” he tried forming the words, wished he could tell her a lie she wouldn't see right through, but in the end he only sighed “I can't” he replied, loathing himself for the admission, Clara smiled with the resigned little smile he always hated and shook her head.

“Goodbye Ren” and she was gone, leaving the scent of vanilla and caramel in her wake and a suitcase of things she probably would never come back to.