The Brink of Destruction

"Sure you won't come shopping with Rae and me?" my mom asked persuasively. "This is the Big Kahuna, you know!" Of course, she was talking about Black Friday, the uber-hyped steroid-charged shopping day of the year when personal injury was just an accepted part of the consumer feeding frenzy. She lived for it.

"Mom, I love hanging with you, but you're a braver soul than I am. I just don't think I can hack watching some soccer mom beat the daylights out of an eighty year old grandma just to get to the last pair of seven-dollar designer jeans!" I was laughing, but it was true.

She was tucking her wallet into her fanny pack--carrying a purse into that madness was only for the inexperienced. It takes two hands to properly throttle the nervy bitch that steals YOUR seafoam green cashmere sweater right off the hanger!

"Well, if you change your mind, you know where we'll be..." she said with resignation. "But it would be so much more fun if you girls were with us!"

We surrounded her in a group hug, and I planted a big, wet kiss right on her cheek.

"Gee, thanks!" she muttered, wiping her face with a tissue. "You guys have fun while I'm gone, and help yourself to leftovers. God knows there's enough..." We stood waving and blowing kisses at the window as they drove away, and then heaved a collective sigh of relief.

"It was nice of her to invite us, but I'm glad she understood," Criss said. "She's really cool."

"Yeah, Gen, your family is really easy to be around. I wasn't sure how they'd handle all of us crashing your holiday, but they seem to enjoy all the chaos," Wynn said. She and Criss had pitched in and helped my mom just as if they were at home, and she'd been completely charmed by both of them. No wonder she was glad to have them here!

"So what do you guys feel like doing now?" I asked.

"Breakfast!" they said in unison, breaking into laughter. I couldn't have agreed more.

"Let's do it!" I exclaimed, and we descended on the kitchen like a Rachael Ray nightmare.

An hour later, we'd set the table and fixed cream cheese danish, scrambled eggs, peppered bacon, and fresh strawberries, spread out in a tempting buffet.

"I'll get the guys," I volunteered. As I headed out through the back door, I could hear their voices, talking with my dad as he tinkered with our old Volvo. He was trying to replace the water pump, and you would have thought they were surgeons, consulting over a patient. Mike and Billie were eager to watch so they could pick up tips, but had clearly impressed my dad with how much they already knew. And Tre was naturally making his warped and hysterical observations on the whole process.

"Hey, Mr. Goodwrench!" I called, and all four of them looked around. "Anybody hungry?"

Four hands sprang into the air, and they grabbed shop rags and started wiping the grease off their hands, eager grins on their faces.

I was pouring coffee when they wandered into the kitchen and sat down, freshly scrubbed and still discussing the finer points of auto maintenance.

"Wow, this looks wonderful, honey!" my dad remarked, and I couldn't help smiling. The guys weren't the only ones who could make a good impression. They dug in without hesitation, and as we ate, he got to hear about the skating competitions Criss had won. She explained that she was hoping to start her own line of decks and clothing, and he was suitably impressed with her talent. Finally, the conversation turned to school.

"So what are you majoring in, Wynn?" he asked.

"I'm thinking graphic design, but I'm also starting to get into restoration," she said, sipping her orange juice. "It's amazing how they can bring back works that are deteriorating so they aren't lost."

"You must have to work with an expert to learn the finer points," he said. "That's something that would take a lot of skill."

"Yes sir, there's a two-year apprenticeship you have to go through, and if I decide to enter the program, I'm hoping I'll get to do mine in Rome."

"That would be an incredible opportunity!" he said. "And Gen, I guess you'll be taking microbiology next semester? That was one of my favorite classes." He had studied marine biology in college, and we'd had some really great discussions about ocean conservation.
I didn't look up from my plate. "Well, I'm kind of thinking I might like to take a psychology class instead. I've got plenty of time to take micro in the fall next year, and I'm really interested in understanding how people's minds work. It has a lot to do with how well the body heals, so I think it's important."

As the Wicked Witch said, you have to do these things delicately.

His head tilted to the side, and he gazed out the window for a moment, considering what I'd said. "Well, I guess you're right," he nodded. "Just don't wait too long and end up having to pack all your sciences into a few semesters. The lab work will be hard to keep up with, and you don't want to get so bogged down that your grades suffer. You know better than I do how high the standards are for med schools."

Billie glanced up at me meaningfully, as if he expected me to say something. Clearing my throat nervously, I laid my fork down and stepped over the edge.

"See, Dad, the thing is, I've started thinking that maybe med school isn't exactly where I want to be. There are a lot of other options I've never even looked at, and I'd like to explore a little bit before I make that kind of commitment."

He stopped chewing and took a slow, deep breath. "Honey, I thought that's why you chose this school, so you'd be able to apply to their med school as an undergrad alum. Isn't that what you've always said you wanted?" He wasn't angry, but I could tell he was confused.

"It is--I mean, it was," I stammered, "but I'm getting a chance to learn about a lot of new things, and maybe there's something I'm better suited for. Becoming a doctor is an awful lot of pressure and stress." I wished I hadn't said it as soon as it was out of my mouth.

He folded his arms and leaned back in his chair. "Now, sweetheart, you and I have talked about that before. Anything worth doing is going to take some work, and it isn't always going to be easy. But if it's what you want, it's worth it in the long run."

I knew I was beginning to tread on thin ice, but in for a penny...

"You're right, and I get that. But what if you find out you really don't want something as much as you thought you did?" I kept my voice as level and reasonable as I could, trying not to sound defiant. That wasn't how I wanted to come across.

I saw him look quickly over at Billie, who was making a point to reach for another piece of danish to avoid his eyes. "Gen, I want you to make your own decisions about your life, you know that. I've always supported your choices. But just be careful that you don't burn your bridges without a lot of thought. Sometimes you can make decisions that seem good at the time, but later on, you realize you were thinking in the moment, not for the future."

Luckily, Mike, Tre, Wynn and Criss were immersed in their own conversation, or things could have been uncomfortable. As it was, it seemed only Billie was privy to what we were saying, and so far he had been respectfully quiet. But he had that look on his face now, the one that said his brain was working furiously, and I knew it wouldn't be long before he had to speak his mind.

"You're young, Genny," my dad went on, "and there are things that won't seem important to you for a long time. But stability isn't necessarily a bad thing."

"Excuse me," Billie said politely, "but maybe there's something to be said for following your heart. I mean, there's a lot of ways to accomplish things. There's no law that says you have to do it exactly the way everyone else does."

Dad regarded him thoughtfully. "I suppose there's some truth to that, Billie. But the question is, what's the tradeoff? The longer you take to get your education, the more you run the risk of losing momentum and dropping out."

Billie lifted his shoulders and let them fall. "If that's the case, maybe it isn't what you really wanted after all. If you're going after something you love, nothing will stop you."

Beneath the table, I laid my hand on his knee. It took courage to speak up on my behalf to my father, and I was grateful. Dad was quiet for a moment, considering whether there was a challenge in Billie's words, and finally deciding there wasn't.

"It's okay, Dad," I reassured him. "Let's see how this semester goes, and then you and I can talk about it over Christmas break. Besides, from what I've heard, everyone goes through this freshman year."

He stood and began putting on his coat and gloves. "Alright. You win--for now. But just think about it, okay?" As he walked behind my chair, he bent to kiss the top of my head and laid his big, roughened hand on my shoulder.

"I will," I promised. Tre was pulling on his beanie, and Mike had collected our plates and was depositing them in the sink. When my dad had closed the back door behind him, Billie finished zipping his jacket and put his arms around me.

"He loves you, you know," he whispered, nose to nose. "He just doesn't know you quite as well as I do. But if you talk to him, he will. Trust me."

"Maybe eventually. But my mom...now, that's a different story."

He kissed the tip of my nose. "Leave her to me. I'm such a sexy bitch she won't be able to resist my powers of persuasion."

I stared at him as he turned to go back outside. "Fancy yourself a bit, don't you?"

He made sure Wynn and Criss had left the room. "With an ass like mine, it's hard to be humble!"

So that's exactly where I hit him.

**********************************

Back at the Ramada, Billie was in the shower, steam drifting out from under the bathroom door. Lying on the bed reading Rolling Stone, I could hear him humming over the hiss of the water.

When the phone rang, I jumped. Who would be calling us here?

"H'lo?" I answered. Maybe it was Tre, playing some kind of prank.

"Genny?" a girl's voice said brightly. "It's Molly! How the hell are you, girl?"

My jaw dropped. My very best friend from high school was Molly Adams, and I thought she had gone with her parents to Vermont for Thanksgiving break, so I hadn't even tried to call her. "Molly, my God! How did you know where to find me?"

"I called your house, and your mom gave me your number at the hotel. God, I've missed you, woman!" It was so good to hear her voice, and I knew I must be grinning from ear to ear.

"So where are you?" I asked. "Aren't your parents out of town?"

"Yeah, that's actually why I was calling! If you can believe this, they've agreed to let me have a party at our house and I would LOVE it if you could come. Please say you can, please!"

I was laughing with joy. "Before you say that, you should know I'm a package deal. I brought some friends with me this time!"

"Yeah, your mom said there was a GUY with you--what the fuck's up with that? You have to tell me everything!" She was so amazing--it was like we'd just seen each other yesterday. There had never been anyone as sweet, as uplifting, or as funny. She and Wynn and Criss would love each other!

Billie emerged from the bathroom, wrapped in a towel. When he saw me on the phone, his face crinkled quizzically. He shook his wet head like a dog, and mouthed "Who is it?"

"Hold on a sec, okay?" I put my hand over the phone. "Remember me telling you about Molly?"

He nodded, smiling at my excitement, and picked up his toothbrush. I could hear Molly squealing even through my hand.

"What?" I laughed, putting the phone back to my ear.

"Is he there with you? Are you guys staying together? Gen, spill!" Her words were tumbling out faster than I could keep up.

"Look, why don't we catch up tonight? I'll bring some peanut M&M's and we'll hide in the bathroom upstairs and tell all our secrets!"

Billie was chuckling as he watched me. Suddenly, he dropped his towel and spread his arms wide, a huge grin on his face. She heard me gasp.

"What? What happened?" she cried.

"Just Billie being himself," I laughed. "He's an idiot."

*****************

It had started snowing lightly when we got to Molly's house, and the two inches we'd gotten the day before still lay on the ground. She met us at the door, and the sweet scent of strawberry incense wafted out into the cold air.

"Come on in!" she said brightly. "Everybody's in the basement playing pool. You guys want something to drink?"

Billie looked at me uncertainly. "Do you have any Blatz?" I asked her.

"Do we have Blatz?" she huffed sarcastically. "What kind of party do you think this is? Of course we do!" She showed us the bathroom off the entrance hall, where she had filled the bathtub with ice, beer, wine coolers and sodas. Billie dug down into the ice and fished out a Blatz, sighing happily as he popped it open and handed it to me. Then he found one for himself, and passed out cans and bottles all around.

I hadn't seen so many familiar faces for a long time. Tre needed no introductions--he simply walked up to people and announced Criss and himself. Wynn, Mike and Billie spent some time meeting my old friends, and then wandered over to munch on the cheese sticks and potato wedges.

Molly plopped down on the futon, and I curled up beside her. "It's so good to see you, girl!" I told her. "I've missed you so much!"

"Me too, Gen. Your letters meant the world to me. How's everything going for you?"

"Well..." Where to begin? "Life in general is great. Billie is the best thing that ever happened to me. We've been through so much together, in such a short time. He's not like anyone I've ever met before."

"He seems like he's a bit on the wild side--nice, though."

I couldn't help smiling when I thought about him--which was most of the time. "Molly, he's amazing. He writes the most incredible music, and when he's on stage, he's just vicious!"
She shivered in mock fear. "Doesn't he scare you a little?"

"He used to. But he's got a soft side, too. He just doesn't let many people see it."

"I have to ask--"

"No, you don't. The answer is yes, and it was mind-blowing. But he was so sweet, even romantic. It couldn't be more perfect."

"I'm jealous! He sounds so exciting! Does he have a brother?" She laughed, and it sounded like birds singing. "But you've got to tell me, what happened with Dustin? I thought you two would end up married for sure!"

I told her the short version of all that had happened, including his surprise visit the day before.

Her breath hissed between her teeth. "Whoah, that must have been awkward," she said. "How did Billie take it?"

"He knows how I feel about him, and that it's over with Dustin. But he seems to be worried that he's not as good for me as Dustin was. It's like he thinks he's a bad influence or something." I shook my head. "Can you believe that?"

"Is he?" she asked softly, looking at me as directly as only a friend could.
I looked at her blankly for a second.

"I'm sorry--I didn't mean that to come out quite the way it sounded," she apologized. "I just meant that he's very different from Dustin, not the kind of guy you usually date. He has this...I don't know, this dangerous aura around him." She laughed self-consciously. "Listen to me, I don't even know him and I'm playing Dr. Phil!"

My eyes darted over to where he stood perusing Molly's vast music library, occasionally shaking his head. I could imagine what he was looking for, but he probably wouldn't find it there.

"No, you really aren't far off," I admitted. "He's volatile, definitely, but he's not mean at all. Considering some of the things he's been through, I'm surprised he hasn't crossed that line, but he's really a good person. The thing is, he's like the guy I've been looking for all my life, but I didn't know it until I met him. He just has this way of making me feel like I'm totally free."

"So how does he fit into all your grand plans, Dr. Hayden?" she asked, opening another Red Stripe.

Sitting here with the one person who could say she knew me even better than Billie, I felt my guard drop. Maybe having a few beers in me helped, too. All I know is that the tiny thought that had hummed in my brain like a feverish mosquito for weeks now finally found its way to my voice, and I leaned closer to her confidentially.

"Would you freak out if I told you I'm thinking about quitting school?"