The Brink of Destruction

Molly's face froze. "You mean, quit school for good?"

It sounded so much more final when she said it. "No, not for good. I don't know. Maybe." What was this, my sixth beer? Enough to make my mind slow and my tongue sluggish, for sure.

She fell back against the cushion, absorbing what I'd told her. "Wow, I just never thought about you doing anything but school for the next eight years or so. What do you think you want to do?"

The answer I thought would pop into my mind suddenly flitted away to hide in the shadows. "I--I'm not really sure right now. I've been working with kids--sick kids--a lot lately, and I've been thinking it would be nice to do something like that. Maybe recreational therapy or something."

"Don't you need a degree for that, too, though?" she asked after a moment's thought.

"Probably." I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, a mistake that caused the room to begin rotating slowly. "I don't know. I just know I'm sick of grades and tests and expectations. And pressure. Did I mention I'm sick of grades?"

She smiled, and I think she knew what I was trying to tell her without my having to spell it out for her. "Okay, bad question, but what did your parents say?"

I lifted my head--slowly, very slowly. "They don't know."

"Don't know what?" Billie's voice behind me startled me, and I spun around to look at him.

Regretted that one right away, I did. Suddenly he leaned dangerously to one side, and I thought surely he would begin to slide across the floor. But underneath me I could feel the futon tilting in the opposite direction--how could that be? My brain and my stomach were beginning to argue, and my stomach was getting increasingly insistent on having its way. I could feel clammy sweat breaking out on my face, and a cold lump forming in my throat.

Trying to swallow was out of the question, and I looked at Molly helplessly. She scrambled quickly to her feet, holding out her hands, and I reached out for them, catching hold on the second try. My feet lurched numbly across the floor as I ran desperately for the bathroom, closing the door behind me just in time.

When the worst had passed, I stood at the sink, scooping cold water over my face. The
reflection that stared whitely back at me was no one I recognized.

Billie was standing just outside the door when I opened it. "How you doing? Caught up with you, didn't it?" He held out his arm for me to hold, and guided me back to the sofa as he squatted down in front of me. "You need a cold washcloth or anything?" he said, a sympathetic smile touching his lips.

I gingerly shook my head. "I'm okay. I just need to sit here for a few minutes."

"You got it," he said, and he threw a sideways grin toward Molly. "She got so excited about seeing you she didn't eat dinner," he explained. "Doesn't take too much on an empty stomach to raise the boot factor to ten."

Deep breaths. Just keep taking deep breaths.

He was trying to distract me, keep me focused on something else besides the carousel spinning in my head. "So what is it that your parents don't know?" he asked, his hands folded around mine, eyes fixed on mine vigilantly.

In my mind, I could hear him agonizing over his part in all this. He would blame himself--hell, he already did, and he didn't even know the half of it. Guilt rode his back like some hideous gargoyle, and the thought of adding to it was unbearable.

My gorge rose again, violently this time, and I ran like the hounds of hell were on me.

********************

Something was banging, echoing hollowly, over and over. There was wonderful coolness against my face, and a web of numbness spread over my limbs, but that damned, infernal knocking wouldn't stop.

"Genny? Gen, can you open the door, baby?" It was a male voice, familiar, pleasant...who was it? "Honey, if you can hear me, unlock the door."

It felt like surfacing through honey, slow and thick. The effort to raise my eyelids was almost more than I could manage, and raising my head required every ounce of concentration I could muster.

Shakily I reached toward the latch and twisted it. Instantly, the door eased open and a hand crept around it. I looked up motionlessly as Billie's worried face sank toward me, and felt his hand under my head, lifting me carefully.

"That's it, baby. Just sit up--get your bearings." He looked over his shoulder at someone else who had come in behind him. "Could you get me a wet cloth, please?" he asked whoever it was. He knelt down and pulled my head back against his shoulder, stroking my hair.

"Ssshhh, you're okay now," he whispered, his voice calm and soothing.

"Billie, I don't--" I couldn't finish the thought.

"Don't worry, everything's okay. You can tell me when you feel better." He was sitting behind
me now, arms wrapped protectively around me as I leaned against him.

Molly bent toward me and gently sponged my face, and the cold dampness felt so good it was delicious. She was none too steady on her feet, either, and I noticed that she swayed slightly--or was that me?

After a few minutes had passed, I began to feel better, and with Billie's help I got to my feet. Several people had gathered outside the door, out of either curiosity or urgency, and my face blazed red as we made our way out into the basement. What a dork I was...

Billie was talking with Molly, thanking her for the party and agreeing that it was nice to have met her. We were going back to the hotel.

But I wasn't ready yet...

"Wait a minute," I said, and even to my own roaring ears I sounded as if my mouth were full of peanut butter. "There's no reason for us to leave yet. I'll sit here like a good girl and you guys can enjoy yourselves. I'm not sick, I'm just...sick...you know what I mean." Okay, it sounded stupid then, too.

Billie laughed and Molly shook her head in disbelief. "Baby, I think you need some place to crash," he said kindly. "It's probably not gotten as bad as it's going to, and you'll be glad to be horizontal. Trust me, I've been there before. Many times."

Now it was Molly's turn to laugh. "I think your boyfriend's right, Gen. You should listen to him--he's smarter than either one of us. Call me in the morning and maybe we can catch a movie or something before you go back."

"Or I could just go upstairs and lie down on the couch," I said stubbornly. Is it possible for jackass DNA to mix with human? "I can't be any worse off there than at the hotel, can I?"

Molly shrugged. "You have a point. Come on, I'll help you up the stairs and you can take a
nap. Shoot, I might join you." She wobbled toward me, draping her arm around my waist.

Billie was snickering now. "Okay, okay--I think I'd better do this, Molly. But thanks for the good intentions."

"Suit yourself," she said with a smile. "Gen, you better hang on to this one. He's a keeper!"
I nodded weakly. "You damn skippy he is!" I agreed, and nearly fell on top of him as I kissed his cheek.

His laughter was music to my ears.

*****************************

Coffee? I definitely smelled coffee. Chocolate almond, unless I missed my guess. And maybe a whiff of cinnamon as well.

Opening one eye, I recognized the now-familiar blue and grey of our hotel room. Billie was bent over the table by the window, carefully setting down a tray. I kept quiet, watching him pour sugar and cream, stirring and tasting gingerly.

"Hey you," I murmured.

He was smiling as he turned and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Hey yourself," he said, kissing me softly. "How you feeling this morning?" He smoothed the hair back from my forehead tenderly.

I had to think about it for a second. Bit of a headache, but not as bad as I expected. No noticeable bruises or scrapes from the night before. Altogether, not a bad way to wake up, considering the heaven of green in front of me.

Those eyes...

But the nausea still curled inside my belly, reptilian and cold. As tantalizing as the aromas coming from the table were, my stomach rolled over ill-temperedly, and complained at being awakened.

"I'm feeling wonderful," I lied, reaching up to wrap my arms around his neck. "At least I am now." That much was true, at least.

"I brought you some breakfast, if you're up to it," he said. "Cinnamon rolls and coffee--nothing too heavy."

"You're wonderful, do you know that?" I said, staring into his face as though it was the first time I'd seen him. I pulled him down closer, hungrier for his lips than for the food he'd brought. The smile faded from his face as he responded, and his eyes drifted closed as his breath came quicker. Pushing back the tangle of sheets and blankets, his hands slid under me as he pulled me up into his arms and cradled me in his lap.

By the time we remembered the coffee, it was stone cold.

*******************
Dad stood stoically on the porch, waving as we pulled out of the driveway, and Mom was trying hard to smile in spite of the tears streaking her cheeks. Billie cranked the wheezy heater up as high as it would go, trying to chase the chill from the old van, but Mike and Wynn were still shivering in the back, their breath visible in wisps of vapor as they snuggled under the yellow blanket.

"Anytime now, Bill, don't worry about us, it's only hypothermia!" Mike chattered.

"I'm trying, dude, but this POS just doesn't have much to give!" Billie said to the rearview mirror. "Give it a few minutes, and keep your girlfriend warm in the meantime!"

"If you were as hot as me, you wouldn't have any worries!" Tre said smugly, a cheesy grin plastered across his face. He and Criss were bundled up as well, but the sunlight through the side windows gave them some warmth that the back seat didn't have.

Mike ignored him and rolled his eyes. Leaning against the side armrest, he pulled Wynn against him and tucked the blanket in around her, and she sighed contentedly. They'd be asleep before we left the county, I thought.

We settled into a gently rocking motion as the van rounded the curves, back and forth, following every bend of the frozen river. Icicles like glassy cow teats hung from the rocks that walled the road on the other side, and a white blanket still lay smooth and soft over the ground, dotting the boughs of the pine trees with whipped-cream dollops. The warmth was beginning to spread back through the van, and soon I heard soft snoring from behind us.
Billie glanced over at me and smiled, his strong hands guiding the wheel smoothly through every snaking turn. "Guess we've got it to ourselves," he said, tipping his head toward the sleeping figures in the back.

"Bunch of candy asses, if you ask me," I grinned. "They must be getting old."

"Not like us, eh, Nancy?" he rasped in his best South London accent.

"Not on your life, Sid!" I laughed.

He reached for my hand, driving southpaw, and for a while we rode in comfortable silence. Gradually the landscape began to level as we left the mountains, and the road became wider and straighter.

"So did you enjoy seeing Molly?" he finally asked, his voice nonchalant.

"I really did," I nodded. "She's been such a good friend since, like, second grade, and I miss seeing her every day."

"You guys must have a lot of secrets between you, I guess."

Somehow it seemed an odd thing to say. "Well, nothing out of the ordinary. Just the usual girl stuff."

He looked over at me, fixing those green eyes on me for a moment. "Sounded like you were covering some new ground last night. Something you said your parents didn't know about."

Damn! Most of the party was kind of a soft blur for me, and I knew he'd had more to drink than I had. How the hell did he remember little details like that?

I feigned fuzziness. "I'm not sure what you're talking about," I said, scrunching my face into a mask of concentration.

He smiled, clearly not buying it. "Whatever," he shrugged. "If you don't want to tell me, I won't ask you again." He focused on the road, that skeptical smile still playing on his lips, letting the guilt sink in slowly.

"Oh, I know what it must have been ," I finally said, not sure if I'd worked up my courage enough but plunging ahead anyway. "We were talking about school and what we wanted to do after graduation. I told her I'd been having second thoughts about things."

"Things?" he asked, and I would have sworn he already knew.

There was no use hedging. "Like whether or not to stay in school after this semester." I half expected him to protest, like he had before, but he sat silently, staring at the ribbon of road ahead of us.

"There are some options I've been thinking about that I never even considered before, and I just feel like I might need some time to decide which way to go." I felt defensive now, trying to justify what had seemed so clear such a short time ago.

He nodded slowly, but still didn't speak. I dropped my gaze to the floor, hating the feeling that I'd disappointed him, and wondering why I needed his approval. Maybe it was because he was the person who had taught me to stop caring so much what people thought--ironic, isn't it?

"Guess it's about time to stop for some gas," he said, shifting in his seat. "Should be a couple of places about three miles up ahead. Could you use a break?" I was caught a little off guard at how quickly he'd changed the subject.

"Sure," I said. "I'll go in and get us some drinks if you want."

As we pulled alongside the pump, he fished his wallet out of his hip pocket and unhooked the chain. "It's on me," he said. "I'll take a root beer, the gas, and whatever you guys want."

The store was small, with scuffed linoleum floors and twangy country music playing on a portable radio sitting in the windowsill. Arms filled with icy bottles, I bellied up to the counter and set them down carefully. Billie's wallet was light on cash, but as I searched through the side pocket for his credit card, a picture fell out onto the floor.

My fingers finally found the card and passed it to the cashier, and he began to ring up our purchases in the leisurely way that seems to come naturally in rural towns. I bent to pick up the picture, and found myself staring into the face of a girl with an almost elven quality. Her eyes were sky blue and huge, blazing with intelligence and intensity, and the rosebud mouth beneath her turned-up nose smiled bewitchingly. She was mesmerizing.

Keenly aware of the way the uneasy feeling in my stomach was growing, I turned the picture over, not really knowing what I expected to find.

"To Billie Joe: Love is what gives you wings when you forget how to fly. All my heart forever, Jackie."