The Brink of Destruction

Her face haunted me as we covered the miles back to Durham, but I didn't dare ask him about her. I knew, somehow, that she had to be the one that Mike had told me about, the girl Billie had loved and lost. Until now, she had been a phantom, with no face and no name, and I could almost believe that she had never been real. But her eyes had stared back at me with such incredible presence, a charisma almost as electric as Billie's, and I was withering in her shadow.

"All my heart forever..." How long before she disappeared from his life had she written those words? Had she known, as she made that simple promise, that it was one she couldn't keep? Or was there something, some fork in the road that she could never have foreseen, that changed everything for her--and for him?

He had kept her picture...that was what stung the most.

"Almost to Greensboro--not too much further!" he announced, earning cheers from the road-weary passengers in back. "About forty-five minutes until home, I'd say. Sound good to you?" he asked, glancing over at me with a grin.

I smiled half-heartedly and nodded, feeling as if she sat between us now, mute and invisible. Losing her had left Billie devastated and filled with anger and pain that had tormented him for so long. What could make her walk away from a love that powerful?

As we all piled out of the van at Tre's apartment, there was a familial closeness that hovered over us, and though we'd still be seeing each other often, it was bittersweet to see the holiday come to an end. The hugs were a little tighter, the smiles a little more heartfelt, and we all knew that our friendships had deepened into something that would last for years.

Billie held the car door for me as he set my duffle bag in the back seat. "Got time to come over and have a bowl of cereal with me?" he asked, his eyebrows wiggling up and down suggestively. He made it sound like haute cuisine.

I really felt like heading back to the room to do some thinking; besides, there were some tests coming up that I needed desperately to study for. There was laundry to be done, and the registration form for spring semester sat accusingly in the middle of my desk, waiting for a response.

The decision was easy. I went back to the apartment with Billie.

We'd fallen into an unspoken pattern, where Mike and Wynn went to the dorm for privacy, and Billie and I spent our time at the apartment. I didn't mind--it was sort of a gypsy existence, and I found it appealing. I liked the unpredictable nature of my life as it was now, the lack of structure and boundaries that seemed stifling now that I'd broken free of them. Truth was, I'd have lived in the car as long as Billie was there. He was the one thing I really needed, and everything else was negotiable.

We finished the last of the Reese's Puffs, washing them down with Yoo-Hoo, and just as the chocolate coma was setting in, we stretched out on Billie's bed to listen to some music. Never mind the matched pair of elephants in the middle of the room.

It was Billie who broke the tension at last, and true to his style, he wasted no words.

"Listen, Gen, I'll say this once and then I'll shut the fuck up about it. You're an adult, and I'm the last person in the world who should be giving you advice. But think hard before you do this. Mike and I have been so broke we couldn't even feed ourselves, and it may sound great being free and independent, but it's goddamned hard, too. And when I think about you living like that, it makes me crazy. For me, there was no other choice but music--it's what I am, it's what I live for. But you, you have this amazing mind, and this fuckin' awesome heart to go with it, and--and--" He broke off in frustration, his lips so tight they were white.

I had no answer, but it was so important to him that I owed it to him to take him seriously. I lay listening to the steady rhythm of his heart, wondering if he was right. Had I lost sight of something important? It didn't seem so. This life, this moment, felt so right I couldn't imagine going back to the stiff, sterile routine I'd known before, sweating over grades, always worrying about the next test, or the next class, or the next admissions interview. Never just being here, now.

"If I go back, what then?" I finally asked. "It's just going to get harder from here. In four years, it's going to be a nightmare. I won't have a life at all outside school. So I have to choose, don't I?"

He sighed heavily. "Being free is the only way I can keep my sanity, so I don't claim to understand completely. But it seems to me that once you finish, you'll have more time to do what you want. And you'll be doing something you love, which makes it worth the time you had to give up."

"That's not the choice I'm talking about," I said softly. My eyes were stinging, and the words came slowly through my tightening throat.

He lifted my shoulders gently to look into my eyes. "You're gonna have to explain, then, 'cause I don't get it."

I couldn't say it. Hell, I couldn't even think it. I tried to take a deep breath, and it came out in a hitching sob.

Billie's eyes grew wide in alarm. "Gen, what is it? Fuck, I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything!" He lifted himself onto one elbow, pulling me against his shoulder with the other arm. But this wasn't something that could be fixed with a hug, and I pulled away to face him again, the tears finally spilling over my cheeks.

"Don't you see, Billie? It's not just the time or the freedom I'd have to give up. It's you!"

"Don't even say that!" he snapped, surprising me with the flash of anger in his voice. "Why do you think that's what it would come down to? If you think I'm so selfish that I wouldn't wait for you, then you must not have much faith in me!"

Maybe I was hoping for some reassurance, I don't know. If so, he was in no mood to give it. Something had touched a nerve, and suddenly we were right back where we'd been when we first met, Billie pissed off and defiant, and me shocked and unnerved by him.

Maybe nothing had really changed, after all.

I could barely see him through the blur of tears. "So you're telling me you're willing to just hang around here for, oh, say the next seven or eight years while I'm too busy to spend time with you, and you'll put your music on hold to keep playing garage gigs and little hole in the wall bars? And then suddenly when I'm out of medical school, working my ass off fourteen hours a day to pay back all the loans I had to take out, you'll be content to see each other every once in a while to get reacquainted and maybe spend a quality hour or two in bed? Do you really think either of us can live like that?"

My voice had risen steadily until I was screaming now, giving voice to the fear and doubt and frustration that had taken me over until I felt paralyzed. The simple fact was that if I didn't have Billie, I had nothing. Without him, nothing I tried to do would fill the emptiness inside me. He had his music, and the passion that burned in him for it wouldn't change, no matter what. It was his life's blood. But there was nothing that made me feel that way now, nothing I could hold on to and say, "This, this is my purpose, this is what I'm here for."

Except him...

"I never said it would be easy!" he shouted back, his voice quivering. "But goddammit, don't you think what we have is worth it? Can you even think about walking away without trying?"

"Walk away? I'd be happy to make do with less, as long as we can be together. That's what I want more than anything! But if you're going to spend the rest of your life being disappointed in me..."

"NO!" he bellowed. "Don't make me sound like the bad guy here! All I'm trying to do--all I've ever wanted--is to be there to help you get where you want to go. If this is what you really want, then it's fine with me. But if it's for the wrong reason, then I have to ask myself how you're gonna feel in ten years, when the new's worn off and you start wondering why you gave up so much to be with a loser like me. Do you think I want to see resentment in your face every time I look at you, and know that I'm the reason you didn't do something more with your life? Gen, I love you too much to do that to you."

"What about what you want?" I countered. "You've got a gift I could only dream of. You can't just put all that on hold to wait for me. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to Mike and Tre!"

"Then I'll find a way to make it work. I don't know how, but I swear to God I will. I won't give up and walk away from everything we have, no matter what. You'll never have to wonder why you weren't worth trying for!"

Intuition is funny. Sometimes it just falls in your lap, and you understand what you didn't before, clear as day.

"Billie, what happened between you and Jackie?"

His head snapped up at the mention of her name, as if he'd been slapped. "How did you know about her?" he asked haltingly.

"Mike told me a while back that you'd been hurt by someone who meant a lot to you. Then at the gas station I saw her picture, and put two and two together. Something tells me she has a lot to do with what's going on between us right now."

He sat on the side of the bed, head in his hands, and all the thunder had gone out of him. His eyes closed, and he seemed to be trying desperately to shut out an onslaught of memories that threatened to break him. After a long silence, he looked up at me, his face ashen and tear-streaked.

"She gave up. I fucking loved her, and she just...gave up."