The Brink of Destruction

There were, of course, no groceries in Billie's apartment, and all I had in my room was a box of stale Cocoa Puffs and a case of Tab. We drove by one store after another, finding them all closed, until it finally dawned on me that it was still Christmas Day. So it came down to pizza or Chinese, the two options that never close in a college town, and we chose the Panda Inn. Sitting in the parking lot, Billie called Mike and Tre to see if they were around and wanted to join us, but got no answer.

You get great service when you're the only ones in the restaurant. The entire staff must have wandered by our table at some point to wish us a merry Christmas, and when we finished, the waiter ceremoniously offered a pair of coconut cakes drizzled with lychee nut syrup, decorated with candles and little sprigs of holly. He set them down in front of us, and then reached into his pocket to produce a piece of mistletoe, which he held high over our heads.

"Must kiss now!" he beamed, bowing slightly. "Christmas tradition!"

We were still laughing about it as we put our take-home boxes in the fridge at the apartment. I called home to let my parents know we'd gotten back safely, and assured them that everything was okay. Then, with bellies full and the ache of fatigue settling in, we piled pillows and blankets onto the sofa and popped in a copy of "The Corpse Bride."

Snuggled against him here, the rise and fall of his chest soothing my frazzled nerves, it seemed that everything else in the world was falling away and becoming unreal. The drone of the television was fading away into a buzz of soft noise when I heard the door creak open, and a wave of cold rushed over us.

"What the hell are you guys doing home?" Mike asked, as Tre set the pizza box down on the table. "I thought you were staying until tomorrow."

"Close the goddamned door," Billie mumbled. He'd been nearly asleep, too, and was rubbing his eyes into focus.

Tre leaned over the back of the sofa with a lecherous expression. "Whatcha doin'? Can I watch? Can I help?" he leered.

Billie slapped the side of his head. "Get away from me, you fucking clown!" he growled.

"But I got 'za!" Tre protested. "With extra cheese and mushrooms, just like you like it!" He waved a slice in front of my face. "C'mon Genny, aren't you hungry?"

The smell of the oregano was usually tantalizing to me, and Gino's had the best, yeast-raised crust in town. But for some reason the wave of aroma hit my nostrils and made my stomach lurch dangerously. I sat up, covering my mouth, trying to decide whether to fight it or run.

Billie was right beside me, arm around my back. "You okay, babe? You don't look so good. Tre, can you get her a wet washcloth?"

I heard big feet slapping down the hall, and a moment later Billie had my face cupped in his hand, cool wetness against the back of my neck.

"Ssshhh, it's okay, just breathe slow and easy," he whispered.

"Dude, I'm sorry, it was just pizza," Tre stammered,

"Tre, just shut up," Mike said, not really unkindly. "Nobody's mad at you."

Slowly the sickness passed, and when I felt steady enough to stand, Billie put a protective arm around my waist and helped me to my feet.

"Guys, it's been a long day for us, and I think I'm gonna get this girl into her jammies and tuck her in. Don't drink all the beer and--Tre, I'm talking to you!--no pizza-box frisbee in the house!"

"Hey," Mike called, "Carrie Grimble and all that jazz."

"Yeah, happy zoo year to you too, asshat," Billie grinned, and I waved a peace sign weakly toward them.

The tinsel and miniature tree still decorated Billie's room, and it was strange how this felt more like home than my own home had. As he tucked the blankets around us and wrapped his arms around me, I sighed, so grateful to feel the warmth of his body again, spooned against mine.

"It's all gonna be okay, baby," he crooned into my ear, rocking me gently. "As long as we're together, everything will be alright. Don't worry, and don't be sad. Just let me take care of you and make you happy." His fingers stroked my hair so gently, lips brushing my ear, his chin tucked lightly against my neck.

Nodding, I pulled his arm tighter around me and kissed his wrist. In the morning, I'd feel better and we'd spend the day just putzing around the house together. Just a touch of motion sickness, plus a lot of stress and a liberal dose of holiday cooking, but nothing a good night's sleep next to Billie couldn't cure.

My eyes were so heavy, and drifted closed as the dust and ashes of the day settled around me. It felt as if I were falling, softly as a feather, into a velvet darkness, warm and welcoming. Perfect peace, but for one tiny, faceless, nagging thought that buzzed around me insistently.
I shooed it away, and with a deep breath, let the blackness close around me. I slept like a baby, and dreamed of a snowfall of calendar pages, floating around me as I tried to pick them out of the air...

Morning brought with it a whole different outlook, and I woke up feeling inexplicably good. There was something freeing about having hit the bottom, with nowhere to go but up. I'd just take one step, and then another, until I hit a wall, and then I'd figure out where to go from there. But for now I had to just hold my breath and dive in.

Billie was still sleeping as I logged into my account with the university to register for spring semester. Munching on a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, I browsed through the course catalog.

French IV, maybe? Yeah. Tres bien. Abnormal Psychology? Oh, for sure. I'd need it, since I can't afford therapy. I'd passed calculus--barely--so math could kiss my rosy ass. Medical ethics? Why the hell not? If I couldn't practice medicine, I might as well preach it.

One more...one more...

My eyes glassed over as I studied the tiny print. I had to admit I was on auto pilot at the moment, just trying to pick whatever would satisfy the general requirements until I figured out what I was going to do. The course names seemed to run together, making silly, nonsense words strung together like mismatched beads. Then one seemed to pop out of the page as if it were on springs.

Occupational Therapy?

Five-year master's degree program. Physical and emotional support for adults and children in an acute illness care facility.

Wait a minute....

The kids!

It hit me like some explosive bolt from the heavens. There was nothing I'd done so far in my life, ever, that had made me feel as useful, as needed, as fulfilled as working with the kids at the cancer center. I was scheduled to see them today, as a matter of fact, which probably had a lot to do with my mood when I woke up.

I didn't want to try to heal them, only to find that there was nothing to be done, no miracle to be had. I just wanted to love them and help them feel better. It was the answer I'd been
looking for all along.

My heart was pounding, hands shaking as I added the first requisite to my schedule. I'd have to meet with the dean to switch programs, but better to do it after only one semester!

The confirmation came back--I was in! Forgetting for a moment where I was, I pumped my fist in the air and yelled, "Fuck YEAH!"

"What the fuck?" Billie snorted, his head jerking up off the pillow.

Through a grin so big my face could hardly hold it all, I apologized for waking him up, curling up beside him to hug him so hard he grunted.

"What's all this about?" he asked, a bleary smile crinkling the corners of his eyes.

"I've got it, Billie. I know what I want to do. I have no idea how to make it happen, but at least now I know where I want to go." Another squeeze, another grunt.

He laughed cheerfully, without really knowing what was going on. "Well, damn good for you!" he said, smacking my butt for emphasis. "Can I go with you, wherever it is you're going at this ungodly hour of--Jesus! Eleven thirty!"

I rolled over on top of him and kissed his soft lips. "I wouldn't dream of going without you!" I said, and his sparkling eyes flashed beneath the messy fringe of blond curls.

"By the way, I believe you and I have some unfinished business," he growled deep in his throat, and as he buried his face in my neck, I forgot everything I was going to tell him.
After all, there would be all the time in the world...