The Brink of Destruction

The new room wasn't so bad, once I got used to it. The other students were cool, and we all took turns cooking once a week. But no matter how hard I tried to like them, they just weren't the same as Wynn, and Criss, and Mike and Tre, and of course...

Dammit! When was it ever going to get easier?

Spring came, and some of the dismal pall that had hung over me all winter began to lighten, ever so slightly, just enough that I was able to wake up every morning, put my feet on the floor, take another step, and then another. I still worked at the library, but back in the catalog area, and was putting in about fifteen more hours at the cancer center. I had to keep the job so I could pay the rent, so exhaustion was becoming a way of life. But I was getting by, making it on my own.

I finished the semester with two A's and two B's. Astonishing, considering that I barely even remember what classes I was taking. But at least that part of my life was healing, and I felt hopeful that I might just be able to pull it off.

The scholarship was finalized, and according to the Financial Aid office, it was quite substantial--enough so that I'd only have to come up with money for books and my student fee, maybe five or six hundred a semester. It wasn't a glamorous existence, but if I was careful and didn't give in to the retail therapy urge, it was doable.

Sleep was a different story.

I stayed in Durham for the summer, explaining to my parents that I had found a job that was more of an internship for my major, and although they were disappointed that I wouldn't be coming home, they understood. Things were still hard for them, but Dad was hopeful that a new partnership he'd formed with a neighbor, installing solar panels in new houses, would take off and give them some breathing room. Rae graduated Magna Cum Laude from law school, and announced that she was to be a junior partner at a small contract law firm in Richmond, Virginia. I had no idea how Grandma Phyllis was doing, and didn't care to ask.

It was near the end of July, and I had picked out a corner of the shared back yard to plant a flower bed, focusing my thoughts on working the mulch into the red clay, and nestling the little bedding plants carefully into the soil. It took my mind off things, and even though it was hard to work for too long because of the heat, it became my oasis.

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon, and there was a light breeze that kept the humidity at bay. I was pulling weeds and watering, bent over awkwardly, when I heard a familiar voice.

"Genny? Is that you?" someone called, and the voice was tinged with disbelief. With effort, I straightened up, my hand on my aching back, and looked up to see Mike standing on the sidewalk, shading his eyes.

There was no possibility of making excuses this time, so I waved him back. He loped toward me, grinning hugely, his arms spread wide open for a hug.

He stopped dead about six feet away from me, his jaw dropping as he stared at me. His smile slowly faded, giving way to confusion and astonishment.

"Gen, you--you're--but I thought you--" he stammered, totally incoherent.

I smiled and shook my head. "Here, let's go inside before your head explodes," I said, taking his hand and leading him toward the back door. It was cool inside, and I got us each a cherry Coke from the fridge. He stood just inside the door, mouth still agape, and I almost laughed looking at him.

"Have a seat," I offered, motioning him toward the sofa. The rest of the housemates were out of town, spending a week at the beach, so I had the place all to myself for a while. It had been nice, the peace and quiet, but a little lonely.

As I clumsily tried to ease myself down into the recliner, wincing as my back protested, he suddenly snapped out of his trance, and hurried over to help me. He looped a strong arm around my shoulders and supported me until I could get comfortable, and tucked a small pillow behind me. He sank down on the end of the sofa nearest me, still shaking his head.

"Oh my God, Genny. I had no idea. I thought you had--well, I guess I assumed--damn, girl, why didn't you tell somebody?"

I took a long drink from the icy glass, grateful for the coolness on my parched throat. The midday heat had tired me out more than I expected, and I rubbed the muscles at the small of my back to try to ease the twinges that had come and gone for the last hour or so. Bending over for so long must have overworked the muscles in my belly, too, and the tightening sensation was becoming stronger. I'd have to pull out the heating pad later on so I'd be able to move tomorrow.

"Well, I guess that would be kind of obvious, wouldn't it?" I said, propping my feet on the edge of the coffee table. "Mike, I knew what you thought the day you saw me at Dr. Webb's office. And to be honest, that's what I had every intention of doing when I went there. But..."

I trailed off, remembering the look on the nurse's face when I began to back away, shaking my head back and forth as the enormity of what I was about to do sank in. I had spun on my heels, almost blind with panic as I yanked open the front door and stumbled out into the cold air, panting and shaking. I had no way of knowing that Mike had driven past at that very moment, then circled the block slowly to make sure I didn't need his help.

"But things changed," I finished. "I guess I changed. Bottom line is, I just couldn't do it. This is a part of him," and I patted my round belly gently, "and it's all I have left of him now."

His hands lay limply on his knees. "I kept wondering where the hell you'd gone. Wynn said she had talked to you a couple of times, but that you were always really busy and had to call from your job. We all wanted to call you or come by and see you, but no one knew how to reach you."

I chuckled ironically. "Phone bills are a luxury I couldn't quite afford. I've had a few extra expenses to take care of lately."

"Yeah, I guess you have. But I really wish you'd told me so I could have been there to help you out. This can't be easy for you, without your family, or anybody."

"It's okay," I reassured him. "I'm tough--you know us mountain people. Look, if you'd known, how on earth would you have kept it from Billie? It was bad enough that you thought I'd gotten rid of it without letting him know."

"Gen, I don't want to bring you down, and I know you don't need anything else to worry about right now. I wouldn't say anything, except..." His long fingers picked at the hem of his tee shirt distractedly. "You can't imagine how much he misses you. I know you thought you were helping him by stepping aside, I really get that. And I know you did it because you love him--or, loved him."

"I still do." I said, closing my eyes. Even though it hurt to say it, it also felt good, because it was the truth that I had squashed inside me all these long, dark months.

"He needs to know, Genny. You think you know how he'll feel, but maybe you don't. You thought you were standing in the way of what he wanted, but since you left, he's given up. When Jackie left him, he just got mad. But with you it's completely different. You were what inspired him, and made him feel like he could do anything, and now he's just...quitting. Everything."

It wasn't what I'd expected. I guess I'd just thought he'd eventually forget about me, throw himself into the band and do what I knew he loved doing.

"Mike, it wasn't supposed to be like this. I never wanted to hurt him. I swear to you, all I wanted was for him to be happy. I really thought I was doing what would be best for him, and now it's just all turned out so wrong..."

I gasped just a little as another cramp wrapped around my sides. He looked up in alarm.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked a little shakily.

I grunted a little and shifted in the chair, but it didn't seem to help.

"I've just over exerted, I think. I'll take a hot shower in a little while and it'll be--OWWW!!!" I exclaimed.

He was genuinely alarmed now. I tried to twist my body around to find some relief, but nothing seemed to help. Finally after a minute or two, the pain seemed to ease, and as I pulled my fingernails out of the cushions, I exhaled slowly. Suddenly there was a tiny snap deep in my belly, and warm wetness spread over the seat of the chair and down the back of my legs.

I looked up at Mike, gulping. His eyes were huge.

"Gen, I'm calling 911," he said, reaching for the phone.

*************************************************

The nurse's shoes squeaked as she came toward the bedside. The blanket-swaddled bundle she handed me had reddish-brown hair sticking up every which way, and its face was ruddy and scrunched up like some wizened little dwarf.

"It's a boy, Genesis," she said, smiling down at me. She laid him gently into my arms, and I gazed in wonder into his startled little old-man face. The eyes were blue for now, and my first thought was to wonder when they would turn green...

His tiny rosebud mouth was open slightly, and the scent of his breath was like clover. He blinked up at me, trying to make some sense of all the light and sound, but he didn't cry. His little hands waved jerkily in front of him, and as I caressed his fingers, they closed around mine tightly.

It seemed that time had stopped, and that he and I were alone in some magical, peaceful place. His skin was as soft as peaches, and he made tiny mewing sounds, like a kitten.
I was wildly, unimaginably in love.

"Genny, there's someone here to see you if you feel up to visitors," the nurse said, patting my leg. "Would you like me to ask them to come back later?"

"No, that's fine," I said. "They can come in." I looked up to see Mike and Wynn's faces peering curiously through the door. "Hi guys!" I greeted them tiredly. "C'mon in. I've got someone I'd like you to meet."

They both tiptoed silently across the room, not wanting to disturb him, and looked down at him in amazement. Mike's eyes lifted to mine, unshed tears glistening there. He winked at me, nodding his approval. "Good job," he said, his voice cracking a little.

"Oh, Genny, he's just beautiful," Wynn whispered, and she reached over to wrap her arms around me. "God, it's so good to see you! I've missed you like my heart, and I could just thump you for not telling me about this! I would have given anything to have been around to help you!"

"It's fine, Wynn--but I'm so glad you're here now. I can't quite get my head around it all, but I'm just so head over heels with this little guy already!"

There was a soft knock, and Tre stood in the doorway, twisting his baseball cap into a shapeless mass. "Man, they just let anybody in here, don't they?" he smirked to Mike. He turned and reached into the hall, and Criss joined him, her hand clasped tightly in his.

"Apparently so, dickhead," Mike retorted, playfully punching Tre's shoulder, and blushed as he saw the nurse stifle her laughter. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"So who's this little guy?" Criss purred as she lifted the corner of the blanket to see his face. "What a cutie he is!"

"Have you decided on a name yet?" Tre asked. "Because I think Festus Spock would be awesome!"

"Shut up, Tre!" the other three said in laughing unison, and he feigned a wounded look.

"I'm still thinking about it," I told them, but I knew exactly what I was going to call him. I had known ever since I first began to feel his little body fluttering inside me.

"Okay, everybody, I need to ask you all to let her get some rest," the nurse said sweetly. "You can come back this evening during visiting hours."

"Awwww," Tre groaned. "I wanted to see how big his--"

"SHUT UP, TRE!!!"

"We'll be back to see you tonight," Mike said as the others waved goodbye from the hallway. He leaned over and kissed the baby's fuzzy head tenderly, and looked meaningfully into my eyes, stroking my hair. "And you and I have something we need to talk about. Now get some sleep--Uncle Mike's orders!" And he pressed another kiss onto my forehead.

"Yes, sir," I replied, saluting limply. As I watched him go, I had a strong feeling I knew what the subject of that conversation was going to be.