The Brink of Destruction

Sliding into the worn leather seat of his car, I wondered for the tenth time why I was doing this. There was no reason to trust him, and every reason not to. But maybe there was a bit of Wynn's optimism in me.

"Oh, go ahead--he won't bite you!" she had said. "Besides, maybe all he needs is someone to talk to. I bet you can soften him up and make him behave like a human being. It can't hurt to try!"

You gotta love the girl.

He swung the big gas hog into a dark parking lot that looked to be on the basement level of one of the West Campus buildings. But it was on the back side, and I couldn't really place where we were, until I got out of the car and looked up. There we were, at the Chapel itself, its spires thrust high into the night sky, towering over all the other buildings.

"Wanna get high?" he said fiendishly.

Shit. I knew I shouldn't have come. He was going to try to get me wasted and take advantage of me. Nothing new for guys, just disappointingly predictable. So much for second chances
.
"Not at all. Look, it's not that far to the dorm, so I'm just going to head on over there. Thank you for an...interesting evening, and--"

"It's not what you think, Suzy Stepford. Just get over the pious indignity and follow me."

He loped down the shadowy sidewalk to a door that was almost hidden behind the heating unit. I could hear a faint jingling sound, and then the door swung open. He held it, looking back toward me expectantly.

"You can come or not. It's up to you."

Well, he sure wasn't pressuring me, so I thought, what the hell. It's a church--even he wouldn't do anything really bad here, of all places.

As the door squeaked closed behind us, the darkness became almost tangible, so thick it had weight, and texture. There was an echo from our footsteps, and I could feel a coolness in the air that usually only came from stone floors.

"I can't see a thing," I whispered. I knew no one could hear us, but I also knew we weren't supposed to be inside after closing.

"You don't need to," he whispered back. "We don't have far to go." I felt something brush against my hand and jumped, yelping my surprise.

"What was that?!?" I hissed.

"It's okay, I was just going to lead you so you didn't bump into any walls. Okay?" His fingers closed gently, but firmly around mine, and he squeezed my hand once. "See, I won't let go until you can see where you're going."

Dammit, he was confusing me again. Which was it--loner rebel, or nice guy? "Okay. Thanks. By the way, where ARE we going?" He was tugging at my hand just a little, and I followed along, my other hand lightly trailing along the wall for reassurance. My mind was straining to picture the hallway we were passing through, but it seemed pretty unremarkable.
He was approaching something that sounded like idle machinery--just the soft chuffing sound of a motor that's waiting to be put to work.

"This is the elevator, or rather the guts of it. It stops on the main floor, in the lobby. But it's pretty old, and sometimes they have to work on it. When they do, there has to be another way for them to get to the top in case they need to do other repairs, like the bells. That's why behind this door--" and I felt a soft whoosh of air on my face "--is the stairway to heaven. My apologies to Led Zep."

There in front of us was a stone staircase that spiraled up, up and up out of sight above us. Every few steps, a dim yellow light was mounted in the wall, and the effect was quite spooky.
I went first, less nervous now that I could see where I was going. Billie's sneakers shushed along behind me, and we had wound our way up for what seemed like forever when he spoke, startling me.

"Nice view from back here."

I stopped abruptly, and his chin collided with my backside. "Oh, now see, this is why I can't trust you. Look, if this stairwell was big enough for me to trade places with you, I would. But since it's not, just keep that to yourself."

He was stifling laughter, but he looked up at me, his eyes wide with mock seriousness.
"Absolutely. That was very, very inappropriate of me, and I won't do it again. But if I could just say one word here about your ass, that word would be--mmpfff" My hand over his mouth left it a mystery.

"Not another word!" I hissed.

"Yes, ma'am," he giggled, sounding like a high school boy caught throwing spit wads.

Finally, we stepped onto a small landing, in front of an old wooden door banded with black iron hinges. "After you," he said, opening the door and holding it wide.

I gasped. The door opened up directly onto the roof of the Chapel tower, soaring over 200 feet into the sky. We were less than five feet from the low wall running along the side, and looking around in wonder, I could see...everything.

"That cluster of lights is downtown, see?" he said, leaning his head close to mine and pointing down. "And over to the right, the really bright stuff, is Raleigh, and the airport. You can see the runway just over there--see it?" I could, and so much more. The red and blue wing lights circled here and there like small fireflies, and where the ribbons of interstate wound between the cities, there was a bright candy cane stripe of light, red on one side and white on the other. The campus looked tiny, the way the amusement park does from the top of the ferris wheel, and suddenly the height made me feel a little dizzy. I wobbled slightly, feeling unsteady so close to such a breathtaking fall, and instinctively, I reached out for Billie's shoulder for balance.

"You okay?" he grinned, putting his hand firmly on my shoulder. "Don't worry, it got to me the first time, too. Pretty amazing, huh?"

To say the least. As I found my legs again, I looked up into the deep blue-black of the sky, and was speechless. I saw more sparkling stars than I had ever seen at once in my life, and could even see them spilling over the curving horizon.

"How did you find out about this?" I asked in a hushed, almost reverent voice.

"You know us street rats. We poke around into all kinds of dark corners."

"It's beautiful," I said simply.

"So are you," he said, without thinking.

My head turned slowly toward him, not quite sure of what I'd heard.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" I asked. He was still looking off into the distance, as if nothing unusual had happened.

"Oh, I said, 'So true'. It is beautiful up here." Smooth. Not a trace of hesitation.

"Oh. Yeah, it is." I kept watching him out of the corner of my eye, but he didn't fidget or glance uncertainly over at me. Maybe I did hear him wrong...

He walked all the way over to the ledge and leaned against it, making me nervous just watching him. "So what do you want to do when you finish school, Genny?" Was that the squeal of gears grinding?

"What?" I wasn't quite keeping up with him. "Where did that come from?"

He shrugged. "Just polite conversation. You know, as in, 'What's your, like, major, Bekehhh?' Only I don't care what your major is."

"And you care what I want to do after graduation?"

"Would you rather I ask your favorite sex position?" he asked, leering at me like some trench coated pervert.

Exasperated sigh. He was incapable of being serious, especially if the subject was personal.

"No, that's not necessary." I could tell I was going to spend a lot of time letting his childish remarks slide. "If you really want to know, I'd like to be a doctor. I've wanted to go to med school since I was eight or nine years old."

"Looking for the big bucks, eh? Gotta pay those country club dues and send Buffy to the debutante ball."

I was really losing patience. It was getting old, being the target of all his sarcasm and bitterness.

"God, you just never stop, do you? What exactly is it that I've done to make you feel like it's okay to insult me all the time? If you really want to know, the thing I'd like most is to go back to my hometown and set up a small private family practice, one where people could just pay cash and not have to worry about insurance and all that. Just a plain old doctor--kids, adults, babies, the whole deal. If I didn't have to file insurance, I wouldn't need to have a staff, and that would keep the prices down for people who were struggling. Now, what smart ass put down do you have to make about that?"

He dipped his head for a second, and when he looked up again, there was no smirk on his face.

"No comments. Just...that's really cool. I wish there'd been someone like that when my brothers and sisters and I were growing up. It would have helped my mom a lot. I hope you make it, I really do."

"Thanks. I appreciate it." I was still wary, but I was beginning to realize that being an ass was the only way he knew how to deal with his feelings. "How about you? Have you always known you were going to be a rock idol?"

"Now who's being sarcastic?" he chuckled.

"No, I'm not. Let's cut the bullshit--you and I know you're an incredible musician, and so do the people who come to your shows. And you've put in the time and work to make it happen. It will happen, you know."

There was a flicker of vulnerability across his face, so brief it was like a ghost. "I hope so. It's all I have. I've never even thought of doing anything else--kind of like you and medicine."

"Well, you've made more progress than I have. At least you're already playing gigs!" I smiled encouragingly.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. But it's really cutthroat out there, and it's probably a good thing I'm already a jaded bastard. You gotta be careful, too. I've lived here for a long time, and some of the stories I've heard about med students...well, just don't let it get to you."

I swallowed hard, my throat a little dry. "What kinds of stories?" I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

"You know, some of them get in over their heads, can't take the pressure. That's probably the only thing that creeps me out when I come up here."

I looked at him blankly, not understanding. His eyes traveled over to the ledge, then over.
We stood that way for a moment, and I tried not to think too hard what it might be like to stand at that wall, the stress too much to take, so much time and money invested in something you couldn't force yourself to finish, until...

I shuddered as if a goose had walked over my grave.

"Getting cold?" he said, either not realizing the impact of his words, or choosing to gracefully ignore it. "Let's head on down, and I'll take you back to your room."

I nodded, and with a last look back at the beautiful sight spread out at our feet, we began the long hike down the stairs, Billie leading the way.

We hadn't gone very far when I heard a soft scratching behind us. I turned to see what it was, and two steps behind me was the biggest rat I'd ever seen. I tried to scream, but the sound that came out was a high-pitched whisper.

Billie turned back, and I frantically motioned to him. "It's a rat! Hurry--run!"

His feet were taking the steps two at a time to try to get out of my way, but even at that, I thought I was going to end up climbing over him. My hand was in the middle of his back, all but pushing him down the stairs, and unbelievably, I could hear him laughing like a maniac. He thought it was hilarious!

We finally reached the bottom, and waded through the pitch black again until we emerged through the door to the parking lot. Billie stood with his hands on his knees, panting and laughing, as I tried to catch my breath. I was glad it was dark, so he couldn't see how red my face was.

"Oh, shut up!" I hissed.

He walked toward me, arms out to give me a hug. "Don't worry, it's okay. Let Uncle Billie make it better." He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and patted my back. "There, there, that big ol' mouse won't hurt you."

I stood stiff as a board, my hands by my sides. It really irritated me when he treated me like a little kid.

He pulled back a little, still holding my shoulders, and the laughter died away. He was staring into my eyes, his face softening, and I tried to ignore how warm his hands felt on me.

Suddenly a voice from across the chapel yard shouted, "Hey, what are you doing over there?" Campus security's finest.

Billie was already fishing his keys out of his pocket and running to the car. "Come on!" he cried.

I used the last bit of energy I had to dive into the car, and he swung the big boat backwards out of the parking lot and into the street. He backed down to the side street we'd come in on, and then careened onto it with a squeal of tires.

"Oh, now that was just showing off!" I chided. "Driving backwards? Puh-lease!"

He looked at me as if he couldn't believe how patient he had to be. "Would you rather I let him see the license tag?"

"Oh."

His head tilted back as he laughed at me once again, but this time he reached over and patted my arm. Somehow it made it seem less humiliating.

"Gen, you've got a lot to learn about being a delinquent, but lucky for you, you've got the best teacher there is!"

When he pulled up in front of the dorm, I sat for a moment, trying to figure out what it was I wanted to say. "Thanks for this evening. I don't always know how to take you, but I did have a good time."

"Good! Listen, don't pay any attention to me. I'm just a pain in the ass with a pant load of resentment for the world. Don't take it personally. You're pretty okay, for a college chick. I promise I'll try to lay off the teasing, okay?"

"It's a deal," I said.

"Shake on it?" he asked, offering his hand.

"Sure, why not." I took his hand and shook it with gusto. Then I loosened my grip, waiting for him to do the same. Instead, he reached for my other hand as well, and I slipped it into his.
He leaned over toward me, his eyes glistening in the moonlight, and his full lips moved closer to mine. I held my breath, not moving, and then he suddenly lifted his face, kissing my forehead.

"You have a good night, and say hi to Wynn for me, okay?" he said, his voice raspy.

"Yeah, I will. G'night."

I got out of the car and stood at the door watching him pull away.

He was going to make me crazy.