Finding My Way Home

It has been about a month since the day I let Cassie go. I tried to distance myself from anything that reminded me of her. I put her framed picture in my study, which I rarely go into, in an attempt to avoid seeing her. I removed her picture from my wallet to avoid temptation there as well. The moment I saw her face it made letting her go so much more difficult. Angie and I were getting along better, she was happy and for the first time in awhile I was happy as well. I was always in pain when I thought about her.

It's almost Christmas, and this is the road trip I was dreading the most. We were going to play the Minnesota Wild, and being in Minnesota was incredibly painful. The Xcel Energy Center and where Cassie is "buried" are only about an hour away. Every time I come to visit I stop by her grave and talk to her. While she isn't actually buried there, everyone filled a casket with her favorite things. We buried that, and it gave her parents some kind of closure. I don't know if it helped me, but it brought me back down to earth. There was not some lingering question as to where she was, because she was right in front of me. It didn't matter it wasn't her body, it was everything that made her Cassie. She was there, I had no doubt about it.

The plane touched down and it was time to leave. I hesitated slightly before stepping out into the Minnesota air. Everything reminded me of her, she was washing over me and everything in the area. The cold wind reminded me of the week I visited her in winter and we stayed in watching movies and drinking hot chocolate. The snow falling reminds me of us walking the town in the fresh snow. She had snowflakes in her dark hair, she looked like a postcard. Minnesota is Cassie, it always has been and always will be. No matter how hard I try to forget, being here will always make reminisce of the past. The bus ride to the hotel is short. Once inside I slip into my pregame nap, Cassie slipping into my mind.

"Sid! Stop!" She screamed at me as I threw a snowball at her. It was November 5th and there was a fresh coat of snow on the ground. I was on my week I had free, and I chose to be with Cassie. My parents were always supportive of our friendship and would try to let us see each other often. Cassie was wearing that ratty green beanie she loved so much, a long sleeve white shirt, dark wash jeans, boots, and a red scarf. We were goofing off outside just trying to forget the world for a while.

"What are you going to do about it?" I asked cockily while grabbing another snowball.

"Oh you just wait and see Crosby." She dared with a sly expression. She launched a snowball directly at my head. The snowball hit and snow slipped down my shirt, I tried my best not to laugh and looked at her with my best fake glare.

"You are so getting it Laurent!" I yelled and began chasing her around the yard. She was dodging me and sticking her tongue out at me. She couldn't dodge my grip quick enough and I tackled her to the ground. We erupted in laughter while I laid on top of her preventing her from moving. I grew silent and looked down at her. Her nose crinkled due to her enormous smile, eyes nearly shut from laughing. We had never dated but in that moment as I was looking down at her I knew I was completely in love with her. She was my kind of perfect. Most would call her socially awkward, a nerd, or an introvert. She loved Dr. Who, reading books thicker than textbooks, and listening to classical music. She was much more mature than most girls, she found teenage drama trivial, and focused on culture and the future. She noticed my seriousness and stopped laughing as well and gazed up at me. Her eyes were darker, losing some of the green without the sun. Something swept over me and I leaned down and kissed her. Her lips were soft and radiated heat. She began to kiss me back, and I had to force the urge to say I love you in an entirely new context.

"BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!" The alarm clock screams pulling me from my dream. I love reliving that moment. It was the last time I saw her. After I kissed her I flew back home promising her we were going to be together and I would see her soon. She disappeared on November 20th, never to be seen again. I quickly get up and get ready to head to the team dinner. Everybody laughs and jokes around as we are getting ready in the locker room. We reach the ice for the warm up, and I shoot pucks at the net. Flower easily blocks what I throw at him, and I come to a stop looking at the team skating around me. I look over and Scuderi skates over to me.

"Make her proud." He says and puts his hand on my shoulder.

"Thanks man." I say as he skates away. I will make her proud. The game starts and I win the opening face off. Parise goes to the box for tripping against Kunitz, and I fire glove side on Harding and the puck flies in. Sutter scores late in the first. I finish up the night with two more goals, earning the hat trick. I am congratulated by all my teammates, but someone is missing. My phone buzzes and I see Angie's name flash onto the screen, not who I was thinking about. 'Congrats baby! You were so hot tonight! Love my superstar boyfriend(:' The message is meant to cheer me up but it has the opposite effect. I shower and change, walking into the office Coach is currently in.

"Hey Coach, do you mind if I go attend to some business and I'll be back before tomorrow?" I ask hoping he won't pry.

"Every time we come here you always ask to go 'attend to some business' whenever we come to Minnesota. What's up?" He asks suspiciously.

"Just going to visit someone." I reply not giving out too much information.

"Who is this person?" Coach asks pressing further.

"Someone I used to know." I say my tone dropping slightly. He sends me on my way with no further questions. I call a cab and give them the address of the cemetery. We stop at a flower shop along the way and pick up a white rose, and arrive in no time. The air is frigid as I step out of the cab. Pulling my coat tighter I begin the walk to her grave as I have done so many times. Her headstone a dull grey, a monotonous reminder. I lay the rose down and sit down and look at her. Her tombstone reads: Cassandra "Cassie" Laurent daughter and best friend. Underneath her name she has a quote "The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait to long to begin it. - W. M. Lewis".

"Hey Cass, its been awhile. Its getting harder being away. I know I've been trying to let you go. I don't know how to. You make it so hard. I'm trying though. I don't know if I want to, but I know you'd kick my ass if I didn't try. I just never thought it would be like this. I still love you Cass, I don't think I ever stopped. How do I love a ghost? I almost don't want to sleep because you're in all my dreams. I think that's why it is almost impossible. You seem so real, just like you never left. I feel like you're more than a memory, but that's impossible right? Its going to take time but I'll forget, though I'm not sure how long that time will actually be. I love you so much Cass. I'm going to go now but I promise I'll be back soon." I say and stand up. Only, I never came back to her on the day I made that promise. I turn around to walk away and see a woman coming in my direction. My mind struggles to place her, though I'm certain I've seen her before. She looks so brittle and worn down carrying her single white rose. She stops dead in her tracks when she looks up at me, and gasps.

"My God, Sidney Crosby. I never thought I would see you again." The woman calls out to me choking back sob.

"Mrs. Laurent, I never thought I would see you again either."