All Alone
Lonely
You can't believe that you are in that house again, it's been years since you've been there. It's so weird to you how this house, that used to make you feel the happiest in the world, now just makes you feel weird. You can't help but wish that your mom never called you that day, three days ago, but what you wish for even more, is that you would've had things to do, way more important things than to come back here, even if to you everything is more important than to come back here, but you had to.
You were able for the last fifteen years to ignore your mom's complains to make you come back, but she had the reason that you needed to take that decision. This house, this town makes you sick just thinking about it, but mostly, it's not the place or what happened here that makes you sick, is what you dared to do to this town, what you dared to do related to this house.
As you look around, you just want to cry. Nothing changed, nothing at all. Everything is the same as you wished it to be all of those years ago. You can't believe they would decide to do the ceremony in this house. You can't even understand why this house still relates to you. You thought that your mom was joking on the phone, you thought it was all lies to make you come back, you thought that when she said that the house that used to be yours was still his, you thought that she exaggerated when she would tell you that his condition was getting worse every day, you thought that it was impossible for her to see him every day, you thought that he hated everything related to you, the house, your mom, the school that he was a teacher at because you got him the job, but mostly you.
You always told your mom to stop being an idiot when she said that he still loved you, even if you are the biggest idiot ever. Because you figured, since he hates you, how could he confide his dirty little secrets to your mom, when he didn't even tell them to you. You.
Yeah, because a coward like you deserves to be that important. No you don't.
Him. You can't even bring yourself to say his name. Do you really thing that it is by forgetting who he is, well now was, that you'll stop loving him?
As you look at the pictures on the wall, the ones that never got changed in fifteen years. Those pictures, they are still the same as they were when you left, you know it because you're the one that asked him to hang those, like that, at that exact place. He wanted to hang some that really showed what he felt for you, but you made him put the ones that you two looked like friends on. It was your choice to make everyone believe that you two were only friends. You never asked him if he was okay with it. But as you look at those pictures you just wish that you declined. That you found something more important to do. You can't believe that something about him hurts you this bad inside just by looking at memories of you and him. You just wish that you would have understand the danger for your mental stability, when your mom called you in complete panic, to tell you what happened with him.
You just can't understand why you didn't let it pass beside you and not care about it like you did for everything else that she would tell you about him. But as much as you tried to hate him for what he did to you, you need to admit to yourself that it still struck you way more than what she would normally say. It's not something that can be reversible this time. If you ever tried to believe what she said, you only believed it when you saw the truth for yourself all over his body. Admit it, it matters to you and you are here today because you need to know if he really did everything she told you he did to himself after you left. You needed to know if why you are here in this house today, right beside the room where he lays in a coffin, is because he couldn't support living without you anymore. You needed to see for yourself if he really was in the state that your mom told you she found him in, broken glass cuts all over his body, that when you take time to look at it, forms your name, all over again, in different sizes, in different shapes. You've seen it for yourself now, but you just can't bring yourself to finally leave this disaster.
You can't help it, you're so curious to see if he changed the other rooms, you need to see if he kept the room that was yours to everyone, when in reality you two shared a room, you just need to see if it's still the same. You need to see if he would really keep it for you when it obviously just killed him.
But as you open the door, you see a shadow, shadow that isn't supposed to he there, shadow that is in your room. And that's when it hits you, you didn't think of this before, it's been years, years, more like a decade since you left, he sure found someone else, no matter how much you try not to think about him, you just can't help that he is a beautiful man. But the scars.. As the shadow turns toward the noise, you can't help but realize how much of a mistake you made by coming here.
-Wrong room! Wrong room! I'm so sorry.
You just want to run away and hide in the safety of your home. This is not your home, even if everyone thinks that it is, because they all know now, they all know that you were more important than gold to him and that you couldn't admit it out of pride.
-Are you here for my dad?
-Your dad..?
You've never seen that coming, a guy maybe, but he had a fuckin girl in his life. A girl and judging by the kid's age, she was the one he was cheating on you with.
But the kid doesn't answer, he just lowers his head and you see a tear appear at the corner of his eye.
You know that you should leave him alone or comfort him, but you can't, you just need to know.
-Where's your mom?
But the kid reminds silence for a while, like he wants to weigh every words that are going to escape of his mouth, like he wants to be sure that he doesn't say too much but enough to make it have an impact.
-I never seen her. My dad adopted me the day I was born. You see he adopted me because the man he was madly in love with wanted a child more than everything. But he finally told me why that man wasen't there with us. That man, he got afraid of him wanting to hide them, what he did only because the man asked, but he made himself believe that my dad was cheating on him. Well I know him, and I know that he could've never have. He was just away alot to plan everything for me. Well as my dad got home one night, the man, the love of his life, he was gone, he ran away, without a single letter, a single explaination. And the only time he dares to come back, is when he is dead, because that man is too selfish to understand when we cry for help. When the one that loved him more than life just needed him by his side. I grown up hating that man so much because he left me, but today, I hate him more than i've never hated anybody, because he also left my dad, alone with his pain. He left him dead.
You were able for the last fifteen years to ignore your mom's complains to make you come back, but she had the reason that you needed to take that decision. This house, this town makes you sick just thinking about it, but mostly, it's not the place or what happened here that makes you sick, is what you dared to do to this town, what you dared to do related to this house.
As you look around, you just want to cry. Nothing changed, nothing at all. Everything is the same as you wished it to be all of those years ago. You can't believe they would decide to do the ceremony in this house. You can't even understand why this house still relates to you. You thought that your mom was joking on the phone, you thought it was all lies to make you come back, you thought that when she said that the house that used to be yours was still his, you thought that she exaggerated when she would tell you that his condition was getting worse every day, you thought that it was impossible for her to see him every day, you thought that he hated everything related to you, the house, your mom, the school that he was a teacher at because you got him the job, but mostly you.
You always told your mom to stop being an idiot when she said that he still loved you, even if you are the biggest idiot ever. Because you figured, since he hates you, how could he confide his dirty little secrets to your mom, when he didn't even tell them to you. You.
Yeah, because a coward like you deserves to be that important. No you don't.
Him. You can't even bring yourself to say his name. Do you really thing that it is by forgetting who he is, well now was, that you'll stop loving him?
As you look at the pictures on the wall, the ones that never got changed in fifteen years. Those pictures, they are still the same as they were when you left, you know it because you're the one that asked him to hang those, like that, at that exact place. He wanted to hang some that really showed what he felt for you, but you made him put the ones that you two looked like friends on. It was your choice to make everyone believe that you two were only friends. You never asked him if he was okay with it. But as you look at those pictures you just wish that you declined. That you found something more important to do. You can't believe that something about him hurts you this bad inside just by looking at memories of you and him. You just wish that you would have understand the danger for your mental stability, when your mom called you in complete panic, to tell you what happened with him.
You just can't understand why you didn't let it pass beside you and not care about it like you did for everything else that she would tell you about him. But as much as you tried to hate him for what he did to you, you need to admit to yourself that it still struck you way more than what she would normally say. It's not something that can be reversible this time. If you ever tried to believe what she said, you only believed it when you saw the truth for yourself all over his body. Admit it, it matters to you and you are here today because you need to know if he really did everything she told you he did to himself after you left. You needed to know if why you are here in this house today, right beside the room where he lays in a coffin, is because he couldn't support living without you anymore. You needed to see for yourself if he really was in the state that your mom told you she found him in, broken glass cuts all over his body, that when you take time to look at it, forms your name, all over again, in different sizes, in different shapes. You've seen it for yourself now, but you just can't bring yourself to finally leave this disaster.
You can't help it, you're so curious to see if he changed the other rooms, you need to see if he kept the room that was yours to everyone, when in reality you two shared a room, you just need to see if it's still the same. You need to see if he would really keep it for you when it obviously just killed him.
But as you open the door, you see a shadow, shadow that isn't supposed to he there, shadow that is in your room. And that's when it hits you, you didn't think of this before, it's been years, years, more like a decade since you left, he sure found someone else, no matter how much you try not to think about him, you just can't help that he is a beautiful man. But the scars.. As the shadow turns toward the noise, you can't help but realize how much of a mistake you made by coming here.
-Wrong room! Wrong room! I'm so sorry.
You just want to run away and hide in the safety of your home. This is not your home, even if everyone thinks that it is, because they all know now, they all know that you were more important than gold to him and that you couldn't admit it out of pride.
-Are you here for my dad?
-Your dad..?
You've never seen that coming, a guy maybe, but he had a fuckin girl in his life. A girl and judging by the kid's age, she was the one he was cheating on you with.
But the kid doesn't answer, he just lowers his head and you see a tear appear at the corner of his eye.
You know that you should leave him alone or comfort him, but you can't, you just need to know.
-Where's your mom?
But the kid reminds silence for a while, like he wants to weigh every words that are going to escape of his mouth, like he wants to be sure that he doesn't say too much but enough to make it have an impact.
-I never seen her. My dad adopted me the day I was born. You see he adopted me because the man he was madly in love with wanted a child more than everything. But he finally told me why that man wasen't there with us. That man, he got afraid of him wanting to hide them, what he did only because the man asked, but he made himself believe that my dad was cheating on him. Well I know him, and I know that he could've never have. He was just away alot to plan everything for me. Well as my dad got home one night, the man, the love of his life, he was gone, he ran away, without a single letter, a single explaination. And the only time he dares to come back, is when he is dead, because that man is too selfish to understand when we cry for help. When the one that loved him more than life just needed him by his side. I grown up hating that man so much because he left me, but today, I hate him more than i've never hated anybody, because he also left my dad, alone with his pain. He left him dead.