Her Black Cross

In the end I never left Zander’s house. I ended up sleeping with him and he insisted on taking me out, so we went for coffee near his house and then we grabbed some sandwiches to eat. I hadn’t turned on my phone yet because I didn’t want to think of the mess that was waiting for me once I turned it on. Missed phone calls and messages, things I had to do and things I had to take care of. I just wanted to stay with Zander, comfortable and relaxed.

It was already midnight and I kept the same attitude thinking it would be fine if I just stayed the night with Zander instead of going back home or going out in order to find where the hell Mia was. Maybe for once she stayed home, thinking she hadn’t seen me or that he missed me. I just kept hoping that while Zander kept me company like a boyfriend would.

‘’Alright, so it’s already night time. Where do you wanna go?’’ Zander jumped outside of the bathroom while I was on his bed, being lazy and watching the MAD Awards of the year.

‘’You wanna go out?’’ I asked, and I hoped he wouldn’t mind staying home with me.

‘’I’d like a drink. Let’ go, grab a beer, dance a bit… and maybe meet some of my friends?’’ Hm… the boy had plans. I could handle a few guys and a drink didn’t seem a bad idea, but I needed clothes.

‘’What am I gonna wear?’’ I asked, not that I had a problem wearing the same clothes but I wanted to see what he was going to say.

‘’Wear something mine?’’ He asked, grey eyes shining on me. ‘’We can just grab a few drink and go watch the stars from a mountain or the sea.’’ I liked that idea more, not because it was romantic but because it screamed ‘’comfortable’’.

‘’I’d like that,’’ I replied and he opened his wardrobe for me with just a towel around his waist. He picked a white shirt and a pair of black trousers, and I got dressed quickly while he did the same. His clothes were comfy too, and they smelled like Zander.

Once we were both ready, we left and went to the club down town just so he could drop by his friend and say hello. I didn’t really pay any attention to his friends, because honestly, I didn’t care. All I wanted was Zander and that comfortable feeling which I seemed to miss.

I grabbed a bottle of vodka and Zander took a few beers, then we drove to a mountain he used to go when he was younger with his gang. We got outside of the car, and while listening to music, we drank the alcohol we desired.

‘’There was this one time when I was younger, that I just came here in order to drink my sorrows. I was so in love with the gymnastics teacher that I gave her flowers and a box of chocolate on Valentine’s Day, and she showed me her wedding ring. It was a huge blow on me, you know?’’ He was opening up to me, even if it was about silly things and I liked that. Sharing my past with him didn’t seem like a bad idea.

‘’There was a time when I gave chocolates to a special someone too, but the answer I got was best-friends-for-ever.’’ I was talking about Mia of course, but Zander didn’t know yet about me being bisexual and I didn’t know how he’d take it. He seemed like he didn’t care, but I wanted to be sure about it so I kept my orientation hidden for the time being.

‘’How old were you when that happened?’’ Zander asked, turning his head to face me.

‘’I think I was fourteen,’’ I replied thinking back on it. ‘’What about you?’’ I asked.

‘’Around the same I think. Did you ever have those butterflies in your chest that everyone speaks of? I never had those.’’ My mind travelled back to the time when I had asked Mia the same thing. We were still fourteen then. Mia had said that she got that feeling with me, it was strange because we were girls and just friends but she never thought of the reason why.

‘’There was a time when I thought what the hell those butterflies everyone speaks of are? They are just lies. I never felt like it, but when the time was right, I felt it. It’s not enough to just think of a person as good, you have to like the other person enough to trust them with your smile.’’ For once, I was speaking of my feelings, my thoughts and cares, and it made me relax. It was nice being out in the open, and far away from everything that brought me tears, sadness and anxiety.

‘’Are you still in love with that person?’’ Zander asked, and something in the tone he had asked me made me feel like it was okay to speak the truth, so I said, ‘’I never stopped.’’