A Christmas Story: Winter Winds

Things I can’t remember:
The last time I kissed a guy and felt something.
The name of the last guy I kissed.
The name of the last guy I had sex with.
How I got home last Friday.
Where I put my credit card?
Did I give Julie the £50 I borrowed of her last month?
How I got home last Saturday.
Did I cancel my Netflix account?
What did I do yesterday?
Why I keep a list of things I can’t remember.

It was ten p.m. on a bitterly cold Friday night in central London and I found myself walking into a pub I had never been to before. I did not remember whose idea it was to ditch our regular pub and come to a new one. The pub was still and quiet and the only sound came from a few men in suits sitting in the back of the pub bantering. They were probably bonding over a beer after work while they told stories about how they met their wives. Each trying to make their story somewhat more interesting than the others’ even though they knew that no one but themselves would find it interesting and no one but themselves really cared. That’s how it was. Everyone seeming into the stories but only so they knew when they were finished so they could tell their story. Listening wasn’t anything but a selfish gesture in their cases.
I went straight for the table furthest away from the men. I didn’t want to listen to their family stories the rest of my night.

‘Why did we come here again?’ I asked Julie as I took off my hat and scarf and laid them on the table. I ran a hand through my hair to safe the damage the hat had already done. It was getting colder in London as winter was approaching with what seemed like in the speed of light. It only felt like yesterday I was having the time of my life flirting with a handsome stranger by the pool in Italy.

‘Because Marco said it was a really cool bar.’ Julie said trying to sound convincing but failed as a disappointed look crossed her face. Marco was Julie’s boyfriend. A handsome, tall boy with blue eyes and dirty blonde hair and a well-trained body.

‘I think I’d rather be home and catch up on shitty television while I stuff my face with Magic Stars. I believe two bags would be alright and a bag of popcorn.’ I told her as I once again looked around the pub. Our local pub on Belgrave Road would be packed on a Friday like this Friday. But Marco absolutely had to convince Julie that this was a cool place. It was the smallest pub I had ever been to.

‘I believe it is you who have to find a guy before Christmas?’ Julie said just as the men in the other end of the room burst out laughing. It was almost like they had heard with Julie said and was laughing at me. I knew my quest was impossible, but in a moment of desperation I had told my mother that I would bring a guy to the yearly family party. Realisation hadn’t kicked in before a few hours after I had spoken to my mother. I did not have a guy I could bring with me to the party.

‘Alright.’ I said as I pushed my chair against the floor while breathing in deeply. The chair whined as I pushed it and the men in suits all looked at me. It only confirmed how small the pub was. ‘What are you having? A beer? Bulmers? Magners?’

‘A glass of wine.’ Julie answered and I walked the few feet to the bar.

‘A bottle of white wine.’ I said as the bartender looked at me. I would guess him to be 27 even though he had the face of a 20 year old boy. He was tall and slim with stylish blonde hair and no sign of a growing beard. Julie and I had studied boys throughout college and we had got quite good at guessing the ages of the faces that we saw. The bartender gave me a bottle of white wine and two white wine glasses. As I was about to pay I gave him my emergency credit card. I had lost my usual one last time I went out partying. It was not unusual for me to lose my credit card, hence the reason I had an emergency card. I was just not the best at looking after my things. And today was definitely an emergency. I had to find a guy and make him like me enough to go to my family’s party with me in a month. Oh god, this is bloody crazy.

‘I’m doomed.’ I told Julie as I sat down again. I poured some wine into our glasses and took a hefty slurp of the wine. ‘I’m never gonna find a guy. Maybe I’ll just call in sick the day of the party.’ The family Christmas party was the party in our family. I hated it and I had done ever since I became the only single one apart from the kids. Every year I had to sit and listen to my cousins talk about their wonderful lives and even worse I had to listen to them shoot question after question at me about when I was going to find myself a boyfriend and settle down. Being twenty-five years old it had been like that for the last five years apart from one year when I was twenty-one and brought Gavin with me. It ended in a disaster and we broke up the same evening.

‘No you’re not.’ Julie looked at me. ‘You are very likeable.’

‘How come I’m the single one then?’ I swallowed what was left in my glass before filling it again. I needed to get some wine into my system.

‘Because you have commitment issues.’ I had known Julie since secondary school and we had been really close ever since. She always told me the truth no matter if it was helping me or not. She had helped me through a lot of situations all from boys to clothes with her truthful mind.

‘Oh God.’ I said in a surrendering voice and banged my head at the table a few times. ‘I just want to show those cousins of mine that I can actually find a guy.’

‘Don’t you want to find a guy? I mean wouldn’t you like to have someone who would be dedicated to you and only you?’ Julie turned on her serious face. I hated when she did that. I didn’t want to talk commitment or have serious conversations.

‘I want to be able to sit inside for days without going out if that is what I feel like. I want to be up till five a.m. and sleep till noon. I want to control the volume on the telly and the channels.’ I inhaled deeply before continuing, ‘I want to wake up in the mornings and take a piss with the door open.’ I whispered to make sure the men in suits didn’t hear it. Julie chuckled.

‘Don’t you want to settle down?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe I want to settle down but I want to settle down in my own way.’ I swallowed another glass of wine as our conversation continued. It was easy for Julie to say all those things because she had just moved in with Marco and they were going to celebrate their first Christmas together. They were perfect for each other and when I looked at them I got jealous because I didn’t think I would ever find that kind of love and I was afraid that I never found that kind of love. And maybe in my own logic way it was easier to just have casual sex with guys I didn’t have feelings for. In that way I would never find out whether there was or whether there wasn’t a perfect man out there for me. If I weren’t looking I would never know and that meant that I would never be disappointed.

* * * * *

When we had finished our second bottle of wine and a few more deep conversations about commitment and life in general a few more people had come to the pub. It almost felt crowded and maybe it was. It was so tiny that ten people would make it seem crowded. The place weren’t as bad as I had expected in the beginning. The playlist was great and up to date and with a few old classics on it.

‘My God you look like Jon Snow.’ I said as I stood next to a guy in the bar. He had curly dark brown, almost black hair and a sexy beard. Just like Jon Snow in Game of Thrones. I was a fan of the series and especially the books. The fantasy world always had me hooked.

‘Well I am.’ The guy said in a dark voice as he looked at me with a smirk playing on his lips. He wasn’t flirting; it seemed more like he was amused. I chuckled.

‘He’s much taller than you.’ I had no idea where that came from and how on earth I knew how tall Jon Snow, a character, was. In my eyes Jon Snow was taller.

‘Well okay you’re right I’m not.’ He said and the smirk was once again playing on his lips. I heard his friend chuckle next to him.

‘Can I get you anything to drink?’ He asked. Even his voice sounded like Jon Snow.

‘Eh, yeah sure I’ll have a Magners, original.’ I said and smiled at him.