Me, You

“Feels so good not eating in a hospital bed,” The corners of Liam’s eyes crinkled as he happily took another bite of his hamburger.

“What are your guys’ plans for tonight?” Sophia looked at John and I from across the table with a large grin that matched Liam’s.

John and I exchanged unsure glances. Sophia and Liam obviously wanted to spend more time with us outside the realm of doctors and hospital rooms. But, Liam’s newfound energy had us beat and after a long day of hiking and rafting with the two, a long hot bath sounded really nice right now.

“Lou and I were thinking of heading back to the cabin early and watching a movie in bed,” He said before popping a forkful of pasta in his mouth.

“Okay, we get it, we get it,” Liam raised his hands in defeat, “Tired of hanging around a bunch of middle aged adults and want some alone time, alright.”

I reached across and took his hand, squeezing it, “Love you.”

“Love you too, Louise,” Liam nodded.

Suddenly, he snatched his hand away and gripped his chests as a series of cough arose

“Liam?” Sophia patted his back until the attack subsided.

“I’m fine,” He said as color returned to his red face.

She gently placed the back of her hand against his head, “You are a little warm.”

“It must be just the temperature in here-”

“It’s not,”

“I can assure you, I feel fine.”

“You were outside without a jacket-”

“It’s summer, of course I wasn’t-”

“Liam,” Sophia said sternly, “You remember what that nurse told you. If you’re feeling symptoms, the least you could do is get it checked out.”

“Yes dear, but-”

“No buts,” She turned to us, “You wouldn’t mind if went to the hospital right now, would you?”

“Of course not, just let me pay for dinner-” John scrambled to get his wallet.

“None of that,” She shook her head, “You two stay here and finish dinner and head back to the cabins and have that rest you two need.”

“Sophia, please, let me go with you...” I pleaded.

“Everything’s under control don’t worry,” She stood up with Liam and cautiously watched him get out of the booth.

I watched them leave the restaurant without another word. My shoulders slumped over and I stared at my dinner, trying not to think about how it was going to always be like this. Scared that Liam would relapse or catch a cold.

“Hey,” John took my hand, “It’s going to be alright.”


Back at the cabin, I was already curled up in our bed, watching Sleepless in Seattle.

John walked back into the room, hair stick out at all direction from blowing his hair dry. A lazy smile spread across his face at the sight of me. Crawling under the sheets next to me, he let out a sigh, “How are you doing?”

I rested my head on his chest as he pulled me closer, “Fine.”

“Just fine? I don’t think that will do...” He tilted my head up and gingerly kissed me on the lips.

I pushed him back against the headboard, straddling him. Leaning in, I said, “This is much better.”

John chuckled and kissed me again. Eventually, his hand that rested on my hip was at my shirt hem, playing with it. Suddenly, stopped fiddling with the hem and pulled his hand back, “Lou?”

“I’m ready if you are,” I said exasperatedly, pulling off my shirt.

John’s eyes flickered from my bra back up to me, “Are you sure? This is our...”

“First time, I know.”

He grinned and leaned over to the nightstand, turning the lamp off.

There was a lot of fumbling around and awkward to say the least. But, this wasn't some high budget porn movie. It was real life. And I just lost my virginity to John O'Callaghan. The gangly idiot I've been glued to the hip for years.

"Are you okay?" John asked nervously as he rolled onto his back.

"Yeah," I pulled the sheets up to my chin.

"A lot of guys say stupid shit like how it's supposed to hurt a little or popping your cherry is common, but I learned that it's a bunch of lies just to trick girls; but really, it hurts because they're not actually comfortable or in the mood to-"

"John?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up, please," I let out a breathy laugh at his babbling, "I'm fine."

"Oh okay," He rustled around a little in the bed and suddenly became completely still. So still that it was starting to scare me.

"John...?"

"Louise Mae Collins, I love you," The words stumbled out of his mouth at the same time as mine.

My breath caught.

We've said those three words countless of time. But, this was different. So much different. This wasn't the 'I love you, thanks for having my back before baseball team beat me up for striking out,' or the 'The Nirvana vinyl is amazing, I love you.' No. This was the inevitable 'we just gave each other our virginity and I love you.' And as expected, it came out of John's mouth first.

"John..." I repeated.

"I know it's cliche to say that after... y'know. But, I love you. I know you've been avoiding me because you're afraid of losing me or whatever. And I couldn't say this before because I wanted to wait for the right time, but I am so in love with you that it's overwhelming sometimes."

A silence fell over us.

And suddenly, my thoughts from the night before resurfaced. John thought I was afraid of being close to him because I could lose him one day; when in reality, I wasn't ready for someone to pick my brain and feelings apart. I was going to be exactly like my mother-

"Please tell me you're going to say it back," His voice cracked when I took too long to respond.

I inhaled and closed my eyes, "I... I really can't."

And in a flash, John ripped the covers off his body and dressed himself, shoving his boxers and pants back on.

"J-John?" I flipped the lights back on, "W-What are you doing...?"

"I fucking knew it," He grumbled to himself, pulling his shirt back on, "I knew this was always going to be too good to be true."

"Stop that, where are you going- please, please, let's just talk about this-"

"No."

I put my clothes back on and followed him as he stormed out the cabin with his keys. We got to the parking lot and that's when my knees started shaking, "John, STOP."

"I couldn't fucking believe it. Louise Collins actually wanted to be with me after all these years," He angry pointed a finger at his chest. His face was twisted into a hateful expression, "She didn't want to date around with my best friends anymore and actually wanted me!"

"I DO want you, John. Can't you tell?! I just gave it all to you..." Tears were threatening to spill now.

"I DID TOO!" John shouted, "Why the fuck is it so hard for you to say, 'I love you' back?!"

My mouth opened, but no sound came out.

"Oh can't answer that too, huh?" He sneered swung open the door.

"Stop, you're not supposed to drive when you're angry-"

"Shut the fuck up about your stupid driver's ed rules. I'm leaving." He slammed the door shut and started the car.

"Not without me," I bolted to the other side and jumped into the passenger seat.

"Get the fuck out, Lou," His eyes bore into me with hatred.

"No, I said I'd never leave and I don't intend to break my promise."

Curse words spewed out under his breath as he drove out of the parking lot. I'd never seen him so angry. So angry at me. I broke his favorite Sun Devils mug and told Jared that he once asked me what 'bj' stood for. But, he'd just give me a dirty look and a light shove. He never got angry with me... until now.

I entertained the idea of him forgiving me, but that could never happen. Unlike most teenage boys, John never took his sexual and emotional feelings lightly. Everything he'd say. He'd meant it. He even said himself he wouldn't have sex unless he loved the girl. And he loved me.

Just before we crossed an intersection, the traffic light turned yellow and he slammed on the brake. His silence was starting to terrify me, but his words were even worse.

"What did I do?"

"Nothing, it's just-"

"Did I pressure you into this relationship or sex or..." He looked at me with wide eyes.

"It's not that, it's just everything that's going on with Liam and-"

"You leave Liam out of this," He snapped, "You sure as hell know that he has nothing to this. This goes beyond this summer."

The light turned green and he released the break.

John's face was streaming with tears when he looked at me again, “Is there something about me that makes me impossible to love?”

Those were his last words to me.

Bright lights poured through the driver's window and his head whipped around just as the semi-truck lunged towards us, shattering John's prized possession. It occurred to me that this could be very well the end for not only the truck, but the both of us.

The glass shattered and blades flew, slicing our skin. I could only hear screams. My screams. As I began to lose consciousness, I remembered the fortune I kept in my back pocket for months, the one I brushed off as a cheap coincidence when John and I both got the same one that said,

‘See the light at the end of the tunnel before it sees you.’