Oh, Saint Nick

Red, green, silver and gold had exploded throughout the Shopping Centre, the tinsel and lights danced in every window and hung from every available ceiling. It was revoltingly beautiful.

Santa’s chair was set in the middle of the walkway, next to the food court. The moment the doors opened there would surely be a line that rivaled end of the year sales. Unfortunately that meant a lot of screaming kids, which fortunately meant parents were more likely to need coffee, a lot of coffee.

Letter E’s coffee shop hadn’t been spared from the Christmas cheer, everyone working yesterday had obviously taken the time to plaster every available surface with glitter and colour. Merry Christmas was written with fake snow across the windows, swirls and snowflakes decorated the words.

“Is Santa here?” I grabbed my excited five-year-old niece and pushed her into the coffee shop. “Can we please see Santa today! You pwomised.”

“There’s an r in that word, Evie.” I reminded her before trying to unwrap the large green scarf from around her. Due to her own choice of clothes Evelyn looked like she had walked through a Christmas tree and soaked up its cheer. Her Christmas red coat covered shiny silver tights that were tucked into purple boots with a green scarf that was entirely too big for her topped it all off. She looked like a walking Christmas bauble.

“I want to wear it, Auntie.” I held onto her tightly and finished unwinding the scarf from her neck; the scarf would surely claim the first victim that would die from heatstroke in the middle of winter. I frowned at Evelyn’ pout.

“Don’t sook otherwise we won’t see Santa.” I warned dumping our stuff on top of the counter and headed towards the kitchen. I could already smell chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven. Evelyn would be full of sugar by the time the day was over.

“Gramma Dee!” Evelyn ran screeching past me into the warm kitchen. Too tired to reach out and grab her, I let her go. Dee would most likely scold her and Evelyn listened better to her.

“No running in the kitchen, Evelyn May, you might slip on flour and brain yourself on a counter.” Dee patted the top of Evelyn’s head as the brown haired child hung onto her body, only coming to Dee’s hips.

“What is brain yourself mean?” Evelyn pouted at Dee who turned to frown at me. I shifted uncomfortably as Dee’s eyes soaked through my warm clothing and pierced my skin.

“You haven’t been sleeping. You better not be giving your Auntie any trouble young lady otherwise there will be trouble for you and no cookies.”

“No cookies!” Evelyn through her hands up in the air and marched off to the small table that had been set up for her in the corner of the kitchen. It had been placed there to keep her out of the way and distracted but she only ever used it to rest her feet otherwise she was constantly around, running from the kitchen to the front of the shop. Everyone working had become accustomed to dodging and working around an overly curious five year old.

“She’s been good.” I told Dee, pulling down the oven door and checking the cookies inside. There were a wide range of different types; I could just see peanut butter and triple chocolate chip.

“You leave them alone, I only just put them in.” Dee smacked my hands away and shut the oven door. I stepped back and let her not wanting to interrupt her flow in the kitchen, she was a strict old lady who had too much love to give. Her baking made the customers continuously come back. “You better be sleeping Emmalyn. No sleeping won’t do any good while looking after a kid.”

I nodded absently while making a coffee. We went through the same speech everyday. Dee would tell me to sleep more, that my body couldn’t run on hardly any sleep. I had to keep myself just as healthy as Evelyn since she didn’t need to lose anyone else. That was usually when I felt guilty it was also when Dee would stop. She knew I would do anything for Evelyn.

“We going to see Santa, Gramma Dee.” Evelyn bounced up and down in her chair; her brown hair was already coming out of the plait I had forced her to wear today. I groaned inwardly at the patience it had taken both of us to do it. She wasn’t one to sit still for long and I wasn’t a morning person, our mornings almost always included at least one fight.

“Santa? Isn’t he up in the North Pole?” Dee mused, going back to stirring whatever she had in her mixing bowl. She did a lot of cooking by hand, preferred it to electrical appliances.

“No silly! He come up here and visits us before Christmas.”

“Down, he comes down from the North Pole.” I corrected Evelyn while trying to inhale the smell of coffee. I was disappointed that my mouth hadn’t become immune to being burnt early in the morning from too hot coffee. I tried to wait as long as possible until my first sip.

“Down.” Evelyn corrected herself with a roll of her brown eyes. “I have a list for him.” I took a sip and winced, too hot. “I want a pony, a tiger, a turtle, a ele- a ele- um Auntie Emmy what animal is it again?”

“An elephant.” I replied, while grabbing ingredients down from the shelves. I needed to bake and relax before even thinking about braving the crowds to get to Santa.

“Where’s my favourite Christmas decoration!” I smiled as Evelyn raced out of the kitchen to greet Nicky and what sounded like Tallulah as well.

“You look sick my child and very unhappy.” I sighed and started pouring large amounts of sugar into the bowl in front of me.

“I don’t remember what being happy is like.” I told Dee honestly. “But I’m trying, for her sake at least.” I was exhausted, but it wasn’t just physically. I could feel the exhaustion in every part of my body, straight to my bones. The need to sleep for days and never leave my bedroom was getting stronger. Most mornings the thought of Evelyn being alone was the only thought that got me out of bed. She needed me to keep her safe, feed her and love her. I needed her to keep me moving, to keep trying.

“You’re not living girly, you’re existing.” I looked at Dee surprised, not realizing I was speaking my thoughts out loud. “Go get that exhausting child and start lining up for Santa, hopefully you can escape the crowd.” I let Dee take the bowl from my hands and push me towards the door.

“Nicky, Lulu.” I greeted my two baristas as they set up the front of the shop, Evelyn sitting on the counter and talking to them without worrying about taking a breath. “You both right to open the shop while I take this monster to see Santa.”

I almost screamed as Evelyn nearly fell off the counter in her excitement. Nicky grabbed her in time and held her out to me.

“Don’t do that.” I scolded her, grabbing my bag and waving to the girls before pushing the door open and heading towards the food court. A few stores had people moving around inside, setting up their stores for the day. The Santa chair had a few people hanging around dressed as elves. They were setting up the camera.

“There’s Santa.” Evelyn gasped in my arms and immediately hid her face in my neck. I rolled my eyes and headed in the direction of the elf at the camera.

“Any chance I can get her to meet Santa before everything opens. I need to get back to my store.” The elf cameraman eyed me skeptically for a moment. “Free coffees when you come in wearing that.” I gestured to his outfit and his eyes softened.

“You better check with the big man but I don’t have a problem with it.” I nodded and headed towards the large man dressed as Santa. He was already sitting in his chair, glasses pushed onto his nose. His rosy cheeks looked incredibly real. Evelyn squirmed with excitement but surprisingly stayed quiet.

“Hi, sorry to annoy you already but we were hoping if she could talk with you and beat the rush I just have to get back to my-.”

“Coffee shop.” Santa interrupted, smiling up at me. It was impossible how his eyes practically twinkled in delight. They must have contacts for that effect. “Of course, why don’t you come sit here Evelyn.” He patted his knee and Evelyn quickly climbed out of my arms and scrambled up onto his lap. I stood to the side while the cameraman took a few photos before Evelyn started to list what she wanted for Christmas. I frowned at the long list of animals she wanted. We weren’t allowed any animals in the apartment complex I was staying in and I couldn’t afford to move right now, not while trying to run the coffee shop smoothly. The figures already weren’t as good as they were five months ago.

Curiously, Evelyn stopped ranting about her Christmas list and shot me a sly look before moving closer to Santa and whispering something in his ear. His eyes snapped to find me and I took a step closer worried that she might be asking for the one thing no one could give her; her parents or the ability to rewind time. Nothing could bring her parents back and I was worried the holidays would make it even harder for her to deal with their loss.

“We should probably head back now Evie. Say goodbye to Santa.” I sternly told Evie as she pouted for a second before saying goodbye, her head down and shoulders hunched, feet dragging in my direction. I shook my head fondly at her dramatic tendency.

“You don’t want to ask for anything Emmalyn Rose Brown?” I looked up in shock at the man dressed as Santa who watched me intensely. I shifted slightly under his gaze and shook my head wondering how on Earth he knew my name. “Not even for some sleep, maybe a day to yourself; to relax.”

“I’m fine thank you.” I cut in curtly eyeing the man with distrust. I hoped to God Evelyn had told him my whole name because I didn’t dare consider the psychological trauma it would cause her if I had to get a restraining order out on old Saint Nick.

“You ‘ave to tell Santa what you want or you won’t get nothing for Christmas.” Evelyn cut in, tugging on my hand and flicked her eyes towards Santa.

“I have you Evie. My Christmas will be fine without other presents.” I assured her, bending down to pick her up. She locker her hands behind my neck and frowned at me like I had personally offended her.

“I am not a pwesent Aunt Emmy.” She said sternly, I laughed and nipped at the finger she pointed at me.

“Come on chick, we have to be back at the shop.”

“Bye Santa!” Evelyn waved at the man still watching us over my shoulder.

“Goodbye Evelyn, Emmalyn have a lovely day.” Santa moved to sit back down on this large chair. I seriously hoped that someone checked for criminal backgrounds on anyone wanting to dress up as Santa.

-

I cracked six eggs into the bowl before adding sugar and placing the bowl underneath the electric beaters.

“God it’s crazy out there.” I glanced up as Nell walked into the kitchen, unwrapping her purple scarf from around her neck, flicking out her black hair.

“It is Christmas.” I reminded her, grabbing the melted chocolate mixture and dropping it into the bowl with the eggs and sugar.

“It’s the first of December and suddenly everyone thinks it’s time to shop.” Nicky walked from the back room through the kitchen and back out to the front. I turned the beaters on and kept my hands around the bowl lightly guiding it around.

“It’s not just Christmas, there’s like heaps of teenage girls out there. Heaps of them.” Nell yelled over the beater before disappearing in the back room. She reappeared moments later without her bag and tying her apron around her body. “It’s Monday, they should be at school.”

“Well let’s hope they don’t come in here otherwise you’ll be making frappe’s all day.” Nell rolled her eyes at me and headed back to the front of the shop. “Make sure my niece is not creating unnecessary mayhem out there.”

“HEY!” Smiling at Evie’s yell I turned back to the beater and inspected the mixed brownies. Satisfied, I folded in the flour next.

“Emma! We’re going to need your help out here.” Leaving the bowl on the counter I moved towards the door and saw the large amount of teenage girls milling around the counter. Cursing I headed back in and grabbed the mix of brownies, pouring half of it into the two pans I had ready.

“Dee can you add the raspberries and white chocolate and put them into the oven for me please.” Dee was instantly by my side, shooing me away and out the door. I grabbed the closest towel and wiped my hands before sliding behind the counter. I couldn’t see Evelyn in the crowd of people taking up our tables.

“Where’s Evelyn?” I asked Nicky who shrugged and smiled warmly at the next customer. I could see the irritation on her face slip through as the customer rattled off a long list of coffees. Sighing, I kept an eye out for Evie while calling out for the next customer.

“Hi, how can I help you?” I asked automatically, only half looking at the customer.

“Can I get a Cinnamon Maple Latte and one of your Mini Chocolate Puddings?” I looked up at the man in front of me and paused. He was strangely familiar.

“Aunty Emmy!” Evie pushed in front of the man and pouted at me from the other side of the counter. “I want pudding.” I rolled my eyes at her and smiled apologetically at the man she pushed in front of. He didn’t notice me but instead watched her, amused. As long as he was amused and not annoyed I was thankful.

“No. You’re being rude, apologise to the man.” I gestured behind her and she turned, I could see her glare already beginning. Sighing I glanced at the long line of customers behind her, teenager girls that were getting impossibly louder. There were other customers in the shop that were becoming annoyed with them.

“Holy mother of all that is sexy that is Harry Styles.”

“What?” I questioned Nell who had stopped mid walk from the front counter to the coffee machine to stare at the man who had crouched down in front of Evie and began chatting with her.

“Harry Styles.” She hissed at me. I looked at him proper and realised that she was telling the truth. Of course that’s why it was so much busier in the whole Shopping Centre. I remembered reading in some trashy tabloid that Harry was back in his hometown and everyone was out going nuts for him. The amount of teenage girls suddenly made sense.

Moving up to the counter, I raised myself up on the tips of my toes slightly before clearing my voice.

“Anyone who is not here to buy something or has not already bought something can please leave.” I looked pointedly at the young girls milling around the front door, eyeing off Harry Styles like they were figuring out the best way to corner him and take what they like. Probably clothes. And pictures. I watched satisfied as the girls by the door threw me a scathing look before disappearing outside, not wandering far. A few teenage girls stayed, legitimately wanting to buy something while a few more filtered out the doors.

“I’m really sorry about all that.” Harry Styles rose from his crouch, Evelyn stayed by his side looking immensely happy.

“It’s alright, sorry about my extremely rude niece.” Evelyn stuck her tongue out to me before I made a motion to grab it; she quickly pulled it back. “So was that a Cinnamon Maple Latte and a Mini Chocolate Pudding?”

“Actually make that two puddings and a chocolate milk if it’s alright with you?” Harry quirked an eyebrow, I stared at him, not understanding. “If I sit with your niece and have them?” He further explained and gestured down to Evelyn who had exchanged her scowl for an innocent smile. She was going to grow up to be extremely manipulative.

“You want to sit with Evie?” I asked perplexed. “Why?” It was slightly unnerving that he would offer.

“Of course you can.” Nell pushed in front of me and rung the items up on the till. “That will be 10.80 all together.”

“We can sit by a table close to the counter so you can keep watch.” Harry looked at me while handing over his money to Nell. I narrowed my eyes at him but nodded slowly. It’s not like Harry Styles would have any need to run off with a child. Right? He smiled warmly and moved further down the counter to wait for his coffee and food; Evie followed him obediently already chatting away.

“Emma, help.” Nicky reminded. Nervously, I looked at Harry before moving back towards the counter and calling the next customer up.

It was a long half hour as I switched between serving customers and watching Evie nervously. She sat patiently and chatted with Harry, her legs swinging underneath her while she slowly ate her pudding. She talked so much that she actually slowly ate her pudding for a change. Despite feeling weird that Evie was sitting with a stranger she was out of the way of the busy customers coming in and out of the store and that was a relief.

“You’re good to go.” I tapped Nicky’s shoulder to let her know she was done for the day before sending Tallulah to her lunch.

“I can’t believe he’s still here.” Nell murmured to me as she wiped down the counter. I eyed the teenage girls outside taking photos through the glass. “Go over there.” I let Nell nudge me around the corner over towards their table. Harry smiled up at me charmingly as I made my way over; Evie practically bounced in her seat. I was going to pay later for the sugar filled chocolate drink she had consumed.

“Hi, sorry for not introducing myself before. I’m Harry.” He stood up and held out his hand, his smile ever present on his face. I glanced between him and Evie, who had decided to finish the rest of her pudding now that her mouth was taking a break.

“Emmalyn.” I replied letting him shake my hand and press a kiss to my cheek like he was prince freaking charming. Refraining from rolling my eyes I dropped his hand. “Thank you for looking after Evelyn. You really didn’t have to.” I ran my fingers through her hair that had fallen out from her plait and now hung unruly around her.

“She was great company. Apparently she’s getting an elephant for Christmas?” I rolled my eyes this time and shook my head down at Evelyn.

“Pretty sure we’ve discussed that elephants can’t live in Britain love.” Evelyn pouted up at me, pudding crumbs around her mouth. Grabbing a napkin I wiped it all away, lifting up her squirming hands to wipe them too.

“So you’re her Aunty?” I looked up at Harry who still hadn’t sat back down. I glanced briefly over to see Nell watching us intently. I nodded at Harry. “And you take care of her.”

“Yep.” I answered Harry easily. “It’s just us two. I should probably take her back for her nap now, though. It’s been a big day.” I bent down and grabbed Evelyn from the chair. She went without complaint, which was a surprise.

“I didn’t mean to pry.” Harry quickly moved to follow me. I stopped and turned around to smile at him.

“It’s okay, really. Thank you again for looking after her. If you want another coffee or cake it’s on the house, Nell will give you whatever you want. I owe you.” I gestured to Nell at the counter and slipped through the doors into the kitchen. Dee barely looked up as I headed towards the office.

Sighing I shut the door behind us and placed Evelyn down on the cluttered desk. I was exhausted from the rush of customers and confusion about whether or not Harry was going to run off with my niece.

“You’re all sticky from the pudding.” I chatted with Evelyn lightly and grabbed a wet wipe from my bag in the corner of the room. Evelyn held out her hands obediently and waited for me to clean them.

“Harry’s nice, Aunty.” I hummed to her to show I was listening. “Is he going to come tomorrow?” I looked up at her confused.

“Why would you think that sweetie?”

“‘Coz he was ‘ere today. He can talk wif me tomorrow.” She yawned widely and attempted to cover her mouth with my hand.

“I don’t think he’s going to come back love. He was just here today.” I moved her to the couch across the room and settled the blankets around her.

“He was nice, I wish I could keep him.” She yawned again before snuggling into the blankets around her, her eyes drooped while I ran my fingers through her hair.

“I wish you could have whatever you wanted.” I whispered to her softly, frowning at her troubled face. She should be peaceful with nothing to worry about. Instead here she was, stuck with me and without her parents. I could destroy her whole life with one wrong move and she couldn’t do anything to stop me.

My hands began to shake and my breathing turned ragged when I thought of every accident that could happen to her. The amount of parent books I had been reading all contradicted and told you different things. They did all constantly told me to rely on my motherly instincts but she wasn’t my child, I never gave birth to her and I was only twenty years old, my motherly instincts hadn’t kicked in yet and I couldn’t live with myself if I hindered her life in any way. I needed her life to be as perfect as her mother dreamed of.

Moving away from her I tried to ignore the bile in my throat. I reached for the photo frame that had been turned over on the desk. Running my fingers along the back of it I could imagine what was on the other side. A loving blonde haired mother and a loving brown haired father with a newborn baby cradled in their arms. My sister, Erin, looked nothing like me all except for the blue eyes and Evelyn looked nothing like either of us. Instead she was completely her father. Erin always hated that, had hated that her daughter looked nothing like her. Threatened to bleach her hair when Ethan was out.

She had always been controlling. She knew exactly what school she wanted Evelyn to attend, what extra-curricular activities to sign her up for. She was going to learn ballet, Erin was adamant about that and her sport would be soccer. She had a whole life set out for her daughter, a bank account opened for her college fund. This coffee shop would eventually be hers one day too. After she studied business and would be able to handle a whole franchise. Erin had a future and plans for her small family.

I didn’t, far from it. I had only moved from Australia because it was my sisters’ idea. To hopefully find what I wanted to do with my life while living here. Instead I lost a sister and was given the custody of a child that knew what she wanted in life more than I did.

“Stop moping around and get out here. I need your help.” I wiped away the tears and looked at Dee standing in the doorway. Erin had hired Dee the moment she had tried her cooking. They had often clashed heads on what food to bake, Dee and I didn’t though. She taught me how to bake and in turn I helped her out around the kitchen. Baking was something I was surprisingly good at and it was easy to enjoy. “Afternoon rush will be here soon and we got not food.”

“What do we need more of?” I asked Dee, sniffling slightly and grabbing a tissue from the desk before quietly shutting the office door behind me.

“Whatever you need to make.” Dee pressed a kiss to my temple before ambling over to the oven and checking on her baking inside.

Taking Dee’s advice I let myself move around the kitchen without much though. Grabbing bowls and items from the fridge setting them out without too much thought. Baking came easy to me and it was relaxing. Dee had called me a natural; Erin had tried to force me into culinary school. It wasn’t what I had wanted at the time, I liked cooking but I didn’t want the responsibility that came with cooking professionally. I had fun baking at the shop for everyone and Evelyn was more than willing to try any chocolate covered food I made at home.

No one interrupted me as I continued to cook all day. Evelyn woke up eventually and her sugar rush had definitely hit but, luckily, I was able to distract her by stirring bowls and pretending to trust her with the most important tasks.

By the time the shop closed and everything was cleaned up, it was pitch black outside with a light pattering of snow beginning to fall. I bundled Evelyn up as tight as I could in her green scarf and set off towards the car park with Nell and Dee. Nell often gave Dee a lift home when they finished together.

“Enjoy your day off tomorrow.” Dee pressed a kiss to my cheek before squeezing Evelyn tightly.

“Call me if anything happens.” I told Nell while Evelyn distracted Dee. “No matter what Dee insists.” I made Nell promise before we separated and headed towards our separate cars.

“Can we decowate tree tonight?” Evelyn asked me while I buckled her into her seat. I nodded tiredly and sighed blissfully once I was sitting in the drivers seat. My feet ached with rushing around all day. I was beginning to regret not hiring extra help for Christmas.

The apartment I was renting was only a ten-minute drive from the coffee shop. I couldn’t handle continuously living in Erin and Ethan’s house with Evelyn. It was too hard and there were too many photos. So instead I had cut off all the power, took everything that Evelyn and I would need and moved into a small place where there were no lingering memories. I still hadn’t decided what to do with the house and everything inside it. I couldn’t afford to keep it there for much longer.

The apartment was a mess when we walked in. I had placed the tree up this morning in preparation for tonight but boxes full of Christmas decorations littered the whole apartment. I had left Evelyn with the couple living next door, the day before, so I could go back to the house and get as much as I could. It still wasn’t all of it but it was all that would fit in our place.

Evelyn’s toys were thrown around the whole apartment, spread through the kitchen, living room, hallway and even toilet. I would be surprised if Evelyn had any toys left in her room.

“What have I told you about cleaning up after yourself.” I sighed tiredly as Evelyn ignored me and started diving through each box, pulling out baubles and tinsel to spread randomly throughout the house. Wincing at the headache that was already forming I headed into the kitchen looking for something that would help.

“Aunty Emmy, you have to help.” Closing my eyes for a moment I took a deep breath before heading back into the living room where Christmas had exploded across every surface. I fought my way through the boxes and tinsel to where Evelyn stood eagerly next to the tree, practically bouncing with unrestrained joy. Trying to find my own excitement for Christmas I began helping her decorate, letting her take control and decorate how she wanted to. I didn’t have any preferences.

The tree came out better than I had hoped; Evelyn seemed to know exactly where she wanted everything. A trait she had obviously got from her mother. By them time we had hung every bauble and piece of tinsel on the tree and I had connected the lights we were both smiling.

“Just the star left bub. Did you want to put it on?” I bent over and grabbed the star form the corner of the box it had been pushed to. Evelyn didn’t reply when I turned around, instead her eyes watered and her bottom lip shook. I looked at her surprised in her sudden change of mood.

“Daddy puts the star on the tree.” Dropping onto my knees in front of her so I was close to her own height I tried to wipe away the tears that had started to fall.

“Daddy can’t do it this year, my love. Why don’t you do it this year?” She started to shake her head. “I can lift you up?” She shook her head again. “Did you want me to do it?”

“No! Daddy is supwosed to.” She stamped her small right foot against the ground and crossed her arms over her chest adamantly, despite the tremble in her lip.

“You know he can’t Evie.” I whispered trying to take her into my arms but she just screamed and pushed away from me, tears really falling now.

“I want Daddy to do it.” She screamed shrilly before running off into her room, the door slamming shut behind her. Wiping away my own tears hastily I dropped the star back into its box and pushed it into the corner of the room. The tree looked beautiful but the colour and happiness it brought with it seemed almost wrong in the small apartment.

Falling down onto the couch closest to me I eyed the mess I still had to clean up in the living room.

I headed to my own room instead; passing Evelyn’s room I could hear the heartbreaking sobs coming from within. Shutting my own door behind me to block out the noise I buried myself under the covers of my bed, letting the darkness fall in and the numbness take over.