Oh, Saint Nick

I didn’t know how long I had been lying there for. Curled up underneath the warm covers, darkness surrounding us both trying to keep the rest of the world shut out. Evelyn’s eyes were closed but she was too restless to be completely asleep. I was too tired to sleep; my body well past the stage of actually caring which state it was in. Instead I just stayed there next to her, enjoying the ability to have her there with me without the outside world constantly interrupting and separating us.

Erin and I used to do this when we were younger. Erin started it, when she first started University she would crawl under her bed and stay there for hours, I joined her after awhile. Curious to what she was doing. She used to tell me she did it because it gave her a different perspective on everything, made her think clearer.

By the time I left high school and got lost in the large world I became the one dragging her into bed, throwing the covers over both of us. I realised after awhile that it wasn’t about perspectives. That was Erin’s way of still being seen as the sane one, still being the confident odler sister. But I realised when I found the need to instigate it that it was a hiding tactic. To hide from the real world and all it’s scary possibilities. By blocking out the world it made it that much smaller and you became less likely to be hurt and treaded. Less likely to stuff up and disappoint everyone when the world was smaller.

The last time Erin and I had ever done this was when she had fallen pregnant with Evelyn. It was everything she had ever wanted but she was scared. I understand this completely as she dragged me up the stairs to hide under the covers after she had broke the news of her pregnancy to our parents. I had already known but acted like I hadn’t. She told me Ethan wouldn’t have been happy if he found out I was the first one she told. Erin and I might have fought a lot but we still told each other everything. Made it that much easier to hurt each other when we were at our lowest.

Like always though, Mum always seemed to find us and pull us out of the bed and back into the world. I’m sure there’s some birthing metaphor argument that could be made right there. But she always seemed to know the right time to do it, just as the world started to clear again and right before we would begin thinking about the next inevitable horror to happen that would send us right back. This time because I lived on the opposite side of the world Mum pulled me out by a phone call.

“Hey Mum.” My voice was hoarse and broken. I cleared it as best as I could by I could never hide that I had been crying all night.

“I’m going to kill her.” I laughed softly at my Mother while gently tangling my fingers through Evelyn’s hair.

“I miss you Mum.” I told her truthfully. I was sick of just talking to her, I wanted to see her and touch her and be hugged by her. I wanted her to see Evelyn and tell me that I was doing it right. I wanted to be connected to somewhere by someone.

“I know I say this all the time but come back here sweetheart. Come back here and you can start again.” I sighed and stared down at Evelyn thinking of all the plans that Erin had mapped out to me late at night when Ethan had given up and gone to bed, too tired to care what his child’s favourite colour would be.

“Maybe.” I sighed out, closing my eyes and realising that tears weren’t coming anymore. Like my pillow had soaked them all away through the night. “I’ll think about it.” I told her truthfully. There was appeal in her words, there always was except now it was stronger. I could take Evelyn back home and she could grow up like Erin and I had. On the ranch that my parents owned, she would love it there with all the different animals she would constantly be around. Erin and I grew up to be sane enough, Evelyn wouldn’t be any more traumatise there then we were. I could be happy there, I could see that.

I heard my Mother sigh in relief and I realised how hard it must be for my parents, being so far away. They constantly called and talked to me and listened and comforted and offered advice whenever they could but it must kill them to never actually be here. To never take over the situation or just offer a comforting hand. They were too far away to do anything but plead sympathy through the phone.

I couldn’t help myself but I eventually told Mum everything, from the beginning of the day when I got a call telling me that I hadn’t paid the coffee shops bills all the way to coming home to find Jacquie standing at my door telling me that she could do better. That she could raise the grandchild she had ignored when she was needed the most. What would happen on their bad days when all they could see was Ethan’s face, what would happen to Evelyn? Would they ignore her for the day, refuse to see her, make her stay in her room. Evelyn didn’t need that uncertainty in her life, that constant reminder that she looked exactly like her dead father.

“You should really talk to somebody about this honey. What about those boys across the hall? Mason and Dylan right? You need to get this off your chest and spend time with people who aren’t five years old. You need to have a proper conversation before you go insane and hide under your quilt for hours like you and Erin used to do.” I could hear the teasing and fondness in Mothers voice but I still stared guiltily at the quilt that had just previously been thrown over my head. Evelyn shuffled next to me, kicking her leg out from under the blanket.

“I don’t want to push all my dramas onto them.” I reasoned with her, I already pushed Evelyn on them enough as it was.

“Then find someone else to take with before you go insane.” I smiled weakly.

“Too late?” I offered as a lame joke but Mum laughed anyway, fondly telling me that she had always thought I was a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Laughing I defended myself vehemently while Evelyn slowly began to wake up, blinking up at me confused before frowning and rubbing her tired eyes. My stomach growled and I debated whether I had the energy to make pancakes.

“I better go Mum. Evelyn is waking up and we both need food.” I told her while Evelyn snuffled and sat up stretching her small arms over her head.

“Don’t forget what I said darling, talk to someone.” I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. “Oh and no more hiding under blankets okay sweetie? The world is always going to stay the same size no matter how many times you go under.” I stared in shock as she hung up and I was met with the dial tone. How on Earth did she know that was what we had been doing? Sighing and relinquishing myself to the thought that my Mum really was all that knowing and powerful, I got Evelyn up and out of bed by the idea of pancakes.

I let Evelyn help, which should have been a mistake, but her happiness outweighed the mess that was left over. I ran her a bath and let her play while jumping into the shower that sat next to it, washing the sticky batter and syrup from my face, hands and hair. I helped Evelyn afterwards before setting her up to play while I decided to tackle the large kitchen to clean.

Someone knocked on the door and Evelyn yelled out to me just in case I didn’t hear it. I laughed and shook my head, already halfway to the door. I was only slightly surprised to see Harry standing there, his hand buried deep into his pockets and his curly hair was pull back behind a bandana. He seemed to always make a grunge look so effortless and dirty yet with some level of money and style mixed in. And God I realised how tired I must be if I was actually noticing or caring about what Harry was wearing. I did note, however, how shy he was acting. I guess my outburst yesterday must have freaked him out. It certainly freaked me out.

“Should have known it was you.” I greeted Harry, trying to start the conversation on a light tone. “I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you practically every day since we met.” Harry smile genuinely like this was all part of his plan.

“How are you?” Harry asked warmly, reaching out to rest his hand on my shoulder, his thumb rubbing smoothly over my neck. I close my eyes and enjoyed the touch before pulling away and moving to allow Harry inside.

“I’ve cried significantly less and I’m not throwing myself on my niece and holding her in a death grip so I would definitely say I’ve improved.” Harry threw me an unimpressed look obviously not interested in the bullshit I was sprouting. I just shrugged at him and headed into the kitchen beyond caring what Harry did right now.

“What are you doing here?” I asked him curiously, continuing to stake the dishwasher. “Visiting Mason and Dylan?” I watched amused as Harry shifted uncomfortably before he began shuffling things around on the bench in the pretense of helping to clean.

“Don’t hate me for this but I ran into Nick today and he told me you would need someone to talk to.” I stared at Harry unbelieving and almost lost control of the level of my voice when I prepared myself to yell at him, not finding the joke funny anymore when I remembered what my Mum said, to find someone to talk to. I certainly didn’t want to dump more problems on Mason and Dylan went they had their own lives to worry about. But Harry, Harry was standing here offering to let me tell him everything. And he would listen he always listened closely, paid attention to every aspect, made you feel loved and important. Harry was probably my only option.

“How long do you have?” I eventually asked Harry, he was confused by my question. “How long do you have to listen to everything?” I asked him. His face softened as he caught on to what I was saying.

“As long as you need me. All day, all night, whenever.” I scoffed and shook my head. He was way too willing to sit and listen to me ramble for ages. And as appealing as that sounded Evelyn was in the other room and she didn’t need to hear any more whining or watch me get anymore upset.

“That sounds great. It really does and I may take you up on that, one day soon but today I just really don’t feel like talking about all that.” I told him truthfully, exhaustion was deep in my bones and cleaning up the rest of the kitchen was slowly draining the rest of my energy. It had been a long ten days so far. “Today I just feel like not talking.” Harry nodded in understanding and came forward to grab my hand. Surprised, I let him lead me through the house to Evelyn’s room. He directed me over to a spare chair at her colouring table and greet my niece with a kiss to her temple. She smiled but continued to draw and I finally realised that Harry had become such a fixture in our lives these last couple of days that Evelyn was becoming used to Harry, he was becoming a regular part of our lives and he didn’t realise the danger that position held. How hard it was for me to deal with when he inevitably left. I opened my mouth to tell Harry this but he covered with his hand, I stared at him, offended.

“No talking. You said no talking, so instead we’re going to sit here and we’re going to colour. That’s all. No talking, no massive amounts of energy needed. Just drawing and colouring maybe some smiles and warm comforting touches but that’s all. Got it?” I nodded at Harry and he removed his hand from my mouth. I watched him intrigued as he grabbed a colour from the pile and began drawing on his own blank piece of paper.

Cautiously I joined them both, drawing random shapes and lines over my page using different colours. The place was quiet and the tension I hadn’t even realised I was feeling began to drift out of my body and practically slide its way out of the room. Exhaling in relief I slumped in relief and continued colouring. Harry smiled down at his piece of paper when I entwined our feet together underneath the small table.