Oh, Saint Nick

People were everywhere within the shopping mall making mad dashes from store to store trying to grab their presents before they all sold out. I avoided as many people as possible as I wormed my way back from the bank to the coffee shop.

I sidestepped one woman and stepped into someone else. Looking up ready to apologise I noticed who it was. I sighed and tried not to glare at his beaming face.

“Isn’t it just a lovely day?” Stalker Santa commented to me. I glanced outside to the clearer sky, it hadn’t been this clear in a while.

“Who are you?” I asked him tiredly, sick of the games and guessing. His expression was sympathetic like my lack of knowing was reason for pity.

“Is that what you wish for? To know who I am?” He asked seriously. I shook my head and made a move to walk away before deciding to take the chance.

“Evelyn thinks you are the real Santa.” His face didn’t change expression. “And Harry thinks you might be too.”

“And what do you think?” He asked like that was the most important question.

“I think it’s impossible for you to be Santa.” I told him firmly; only a lingering doubt remained. His eyes sparkled like the very notion of impossibility amused him.

“You know what the best part about Christmas is?” I shook my head at him even though I was ready for him to spout ideas about family and happiness. “It’s that children everywhere just for a little while believe in something. Together they all believe in one man to bring them joy after they’ve spent all year experiencing their first heartbreak, their first disappointment, their first look at the ‘real’ world. And at the end of it all they get to believe in the impossible, no questions asked.”

“The impossible?” I asked. He hadn’t given me the answer I had expected at all.

“Well what you think is impossible anyway.” He winked and patted my shoulder before walking off into the crowd. I stood there confused, not any closer to solving his puzzle then I was before. I received a few curious looks after groaning out loud and making my way back to the café.

The moment I rushed in the doors I noticed Ann standing off to the side of the counter, obviously waiting on me. Smiling, I headed over to her.

“Hello.” I smiled at her still happy from the carols on Saturday night. Her family was amazing and welcoming and felt almost too good to be true.

“Hi, see you’re busy.” Ann gestured around; I nodded though noticing that it wasn’t as busy as we had been. “I actually came here to see if you were free to talk for a moment.” I realised she meant privately so I ushered her out the back and into the kitchen after Evelyn had grinned and waved at her from where Dee was having her ‘clean’.

Dee shot me a worried glance but I waved her off before shutting the door and turning to smile at Ann.

“What’s up?” I asked her, moving over to the desk to stash the receipt book and bank bag in the bottom drawer, twisting the key when I was done. Ann moved around the room looking over everything slowly, she lingered at the photo frame that was lying down before moving onto drawings that Evelyn had done, some had been put on the wall by Erin and I had put the most recent drawings up.

“You really are great with her.” Ann complimented, I smiled, unable to stop the happiness and pride that swelled through me when people complimented us. “She’s absolutely beautiful.”

“Thanks but Erin and Ethan deserve most of the credit.” I told her, taking a seat in the chair behind the desk. I had been working behind the counter all morning and my feet were aching. I was considering taking a long warm bath when I got home if Evelyn waned to have one too.

“You must miss them.” I nodded, not needed to answer that statement, it was just a common assumption people always made like saying it out loud made sure I realised that I didn’t need to tell them it. People had to say a lot of things to you when you lose someone. It made themselves feel better more often then not. “The crash was horrible. I can’t imagine what it was like to see them, after.” I closed my eyes briefly trying to push that image out of my head. It only seemed to make it stronger.

“Harry really likes spending time with you both.” I looked at Ann confused. I knew that she had a point she was trying to get too but I couldn’t seem to find it. “He’s very giving my son, very loving.” She added, taking the seat across from me, her eyes never wavered from mine. I noticed how strong they were, how hardened they were from being a Mum.

“He is.” I said slowly, eyeing the closed door and wondering if I should have left it open.

“I worry that sometimes he puts too much of himself into his relationships with people.” I was beginning to understand what she was here for. I tried not to stiffen up and become hostile but I was waiting for the insult, to be told that I wasn’t good enough. Because lets face it, half the money I had wasn’t mine, the café wasn’t mine, the house wasn’t mine and Evelyn certainly wasn’t mine. What could I offer anyone?

“Like I said he has a good heart and sometimes he gets carried away with it.”

“What are you saying? Because if you think I’m taking advantage of your son then I can assure you he is the one who has come and spent his time with us everyday. I haven’t tried to influence or manipulate your son at all.” I told her wondering if that was truly how I had come across to her. She shook her head and leant forward, her hands on the desk and her eyes kinder.

“I don’t think that of you at all Emmalyn. You’re a wonderful girl and you’ve gone through a lot. I just don’t want my son to…” She trailed of seeming to debate over which words to use.

“Be stuck with me.” I finished for her. She shook her head but I could tell that was really what she was thinking. “If Harry wants to leave all he has to is say so. I’m certainly not keeping him here against his will.”

“But that’s just it. Harry doesn’t realise what he’s doing or what he wants. You get along with Harry so well and he has always got along with kids so he fits so well into your life but he’s nineteen years old do you really think he’s ready for a child?”

“I’m twenty.” I told her stubbornly. “No one seemed to ask me if I was ready for a child when my sister was ripped from the world.” Ann sighed and nodded at me like she was conceding to my point.

“And that was your choice because she’s family and that shows how much of an amazing person you are.” I rolled my eyes at Ann’s words. She didn’t know me as well as she thought and she certainly didn’t know everything that happened on the night of the crash.

“I’m not only looking out for my son or you, I’m looking out for Evelyn as well. What is going to happen after Christmas? When he goes back to living in London and living as a celebrity. He can pretend all he likes here, he can pretend with you and pretend with Evelyn but when it comes down to it he’s going to go back and there’s no space in his life for a five-year-old.” I looked at Ann, shocked by her bluntness. “You know as well as I do how easily a child can become fixated with someone, expect them there everyday. Evelyn relies on Harry, I could see that the other night.”

I had noticed as well. How easily they moved around each other now. How willingly she went to Harry while she was sick, curling up around him, trusting him to take the pain away.

“My son is nineteen and despite seeing the world he can be foolishly naive. Evelyn deserves a lot more than people constantly walking out of her life.” I stayed silent, knowing Ann was waiting for me to respond but I didn’t know what to say. What did she expect? That I would just tell her that Harry was off the hook? That I would explain to Evelyn that he wouldn’t be around anymore? Like I could tell my heart to stop falling for him, take a step back and forget about him and the last seventeen days. It already felt like so much longer then that.

She stood slowly and I mostly ignored her on her way to the door.

“I don’t want to hurt you or your niece but can’t you see Harry is way too young to be a father right now.” I glared up at Ann, no one had asked Harry to be her father. Her father was gone.

“I’m not her mother.” I told her sternly. She hesitated before nodding and pushing open the door. It closed only halfway behind her so I could hear her as she chatted with Evelyn briefly. I waited a while before her voice finally drifted off.

Dee poked her head into the office not long later. I stared straight ahead, not moving, not seeing.

“That’s Harry’s mum huh?” She questioned lightly but her real question was implied. What did she want?

“Apparently Harry’s too young to be a father.” Dee look surprised almost like she was going to ask if I was pregnant. “Ann seems to think that Harry will be too overwhelmed with Evelyn and I that he doesn’t realise that we’re a ready made family. Because who would want that right?” I said bitterly and ran my fingers through my ragged hair. I just wanted to sleep for a long time.

“Some people would see you both as a gift, a miracle.” Dee responded. I laughed bitterly and shook my head at her.

“Well send them in because I’m having a lot of trouble finding anyone willing enough to have a child ready made.” I sighed and hated myself a tiny bit for caring about relationships when Evelyn and I were already so messed up.

-

Much later I sat contently in the bath with Evelyn, she played down one end of the bath occasionally sending tidal waves up my end. I would smile at her fondly every time she did which only seemed to encourage them.

I ran over the conversation with Ann today for the millionth time wondering if a part of me had been manipulating Harry into being with us, helping us. I certainly hadn’t pushed his help away.

He had called earlier, I had tried to talk but I couldn’t tell him that his own mother had come in today effectively telling me to end whatever it was that we had with each other before everything crashed down around us. I did tell him about Santa though which only seemed to cement the idea in his head that he was the real Santa.

“Just consider it Emma!” He had laughed through the phone as I groaned and quietly cursed him.

“I’m not going to believe that every year at the same time a man in a red suit on a sleigh pulled by reindeers delivers presents to all the good boys and girls.” I hissed at him, keeping an eye on Evelyn who was watching a Christmas movie while we spoke.

“I’ve always been fond of the idea that he gave presents to the bad kids too, helped them to believe in something as well.” I almost screamed in annoyance at how utterly honest and charming Harry was. Like seriously he wanted the bad kids to get presents, most people wanted them to actually get coal. “And anyway maybe that was all just part of an elaborate plan to make people think it’s a ridiculous story, with the red suit and sleigh and magic reindeer and elves. Maybe it’s much more normal then that but the whole story behind it makes it harder to believe so it’s that much more special.” Honestly Harry should be banned from interacting with the human race less everyone falls under his British charm.

“I hate that you think you’re making sense, I hate that you’re actually making sense to me.” I sighed and rubbed my eyes while Harry made a triumphant noise through the phone. We had both gone silent at the point, when Harry realised something must have been wrong. I had told him I was just exhausted from the day and had ended the phone call earlier then I normally did before ushering Evelyn into the bath.

I wondered if Ann had said anything to Harry and if she did how would he react. Would he think that she was right or would he be more likely to march over here and propose our marriage while filing adoption papers for Evelyn? It was all too confusing and headache inducing.

“Aunty Emmy?” I hummed and sunk further into the bath, closing my eyes. I could feel Evelyn shift and climb up beside my body. I cracked one eye open to see her staring at me expectantly. Sighing I realised she was trying to be serious so I rolled my head over to show her she had my attention without actually moving my whole body. She took a deep breath before continuing.

“Do you and Harry kiss ‘cos you love him?” I blinked at her a couple of times trying to process her question. “You kiss like Mummy and Daddy do. So that means you love him and he love you right?” She added, cocking her head to the side. I spluttered and tried to figure out how to answer without damaging her.

“So then you both my new Mummy and Daddy?” I was so screwed.