Oh, Saint Nick

I watched Evelyn pick at her breakfast, her eye sliding up to stare at me every now and then while I sat on the counter, chewing my lip while my Mum spoke to me through the phone pressed to my ear.

“Just be gentle with her. She already knows some of it so the hard part is done. Jacquie and Lewis have done one good thing for you but now you have to talk to her about everything okay? Just answer every question she asks, don’t try to hold back from her. By hiding the shoes and watch she thinks that she is guilty or something so don’t get angry with her okay?” I nodded before quickly replying realising she couldn’t see me.

“And Emmalyn? Since when was your friend Harry a celebrity.” I cringed and ruffled Evelyn’s hair while making my way out of the kitchen and into my room.

“Um I’m not sure the exact date but it’s been a couple of years.” I offered weakly.

“And why weren’t we told?” I could hear my father disapproving in the background. I sighed and fell backwards on my bed remembering Harry’s promise to take us both out for dinner that night.

“Does it really matter that he’s famous?” I asked in return because it didn’t, not really to me. Or to Evelyn. I hadn’t even discussed Harry with Evelyn properly. I had barely talked to Harry about what we were except to establish that we were something. “He’s good with Evelyn and he makes her laugh.”

“And he makes you happy.” Mum finished for me. I smiled up at my apartments roof. “So no I suppose it doesn’t matter. Although a warning would have been nice.” I apologised for that.

“Guess you both saw the article then?” I questioned, frowning at where the magazine sat on my desk in the corner.

“Yes and those were lovely pictures by the way, your father and I cut them out and put them on the fridge. Can you start sending us photos please?” I smiled at my Mum’s avoidance of talking too much about the article. Glad that she didn’t want to. She rambled on for a bit longer before asking to talk to Evelyn.

I cleaned up after breakfast while Evelyn chatted with my parents, telling them everything we had done for Christmas so far. She talked mostly about the carols and how she had seen Santa “heaps amount of times” this last month. I smiled at how my parents would never fully understand how many times we had indeed seen a creepy Santa.

A creepy Santa who was starting to become entirely too real for my liking. Soon enough she hung up from my parents and stared at me expectantly. We spent entirely too much time around each other that I was beginning to think that she could sense my emotions or read my mind. Or I was entirely too easy to read even for a five-year-old.

“Hey Evie. Do you think that you would like to talk about your parents today?” I asked her, taking the seat next to her at the table. She stayed mostly silent before nodding only the slightest bit, hesitant. “Maybe about the shoes and watch in your wardrobe.”

I reached out the moment her face shut down and tears welled in her eyes. I rubbed her back soothingly and smiled the best I could at her. I didn’t want her to feel guilty or like she had to hide things from me. She was only five; she shouldn’t have to worry about hurting my feelings.

“I’m not made about it sweetie. I just want you to know that you can show me that stuff and I won’t be upset with you okay?” She nodded again but her lower lip still trembled. “Did Grandma and Granddad give you those?”

“They ‘old me ‘bout m-mummy and daddy.” She said softly, her eyes focused on her hands. I smiled and rubbed her head comfortingly. I wanted her to feel like this was okay to talk about that I was ready to talk about it because whether I liked it or not I had to be for the sake of Evelyn.

“That’s okay. So they told you about the car crash. Did they say anything else about it?” She shook her head before hesitating and tentatively looking up to reach my eyes.

“It ended upside down.” She said slowly like she was trying to repeat their words. I nodded at her in encouragement. “And, and powice and the abuwance d-didn’t get der for dem.” Her nose was slightly snotty and I grabbed a tissue to wipe it while softly smiling down at her.

“And they told you that those pairs of shoes and the watch is what your parents were wearing that night right?” She nodded again and I pressed a kiss to her head thankful that she had been willing to admit it all to me. I was angry that Jacquie and Lewis had told her without asking me, without even waiting for me to be there. They had done it to spite me so they would seem more like her guardian and it was wrong to use her in such a way.

“Do you want to know more about that night?” I asked her wandering if we had pushed it far enough today. She nodded nevertheless and looked at me expectantly. I had to remember that she was still five years old and despite my Mum telling me to not hold anything back or lie, there were some things I couldn’t tell her, I couldn’t describe to her what their bodies were like, how long it took them to die or even how close she came to being in their car that night. I wasn’t ready to tell her that yet, but I would when the time was right.

“Well your parents were going to a party that night. A few friends of theirs were getting together to eat food, drink wine and have a jolly good time.” Evelyn giggled at my word choice before pulling on a serious face. “So they left you at home with a baby sitter. She was the next-door neighbour just like Jonah is our next-door neighbour. This would be her first time looking after you so of course your parents were worried about you. God knows how long it took them to leave you all alone, do you remember that?” she nodded slowly, I knew her memory wasn’t all that great of that night. The doctors had said that it would be repressed by the memory of confusion happening around her when the police came and my panic when I finally got to her. Her mind would deem everything else before that mostly irrelevant.

“So anyway after they left you, they were driving along. It took them a bit to get to this other place see; it was on the opposite side of town! Sometimes it could take up to a good thirty minutes. But see they got to a set of traffic lights and as they went green and your Daddy started forward another car came by. This car had a very upset lady inside and she didn’t see the lights or your mummy and daddy’s car and her car hit the side of their car into your Daddy’s side.” I paused for a moment wondering if maybe I should keep going. If this was too much but Evelyn sat there, unmoving, staring blankly ahead. I hesitated before deciding to finish it. There was no point trying to save her from the rest, she knew how the story ended.

“Now Mummy and Daddy’s car slid sideways when their tyre hit a little hole that was in the ground which accidentally made their cover land on it’s roof. It was badly damaged and it just couldn’t keep your Mum and Dad safe.” I stopped again when Evelyn’s bottom lip startled to tremble. I picked her up in my arms and wrapped myself around her trembling body.

“I’m so sorry sweetie. I’m so sorry that you had to go with the police you must have been so scared but I remember them telling me that you were such a good brave little girl. That you sat there and you answered their questions. And I swear I rushed, I did. I get the first cab I saw and got here as quick as I could. I’m so sorry I wasn’t with you that night. I’m so sorry.” I was rambling into Evelyn’s hair while rocking her. I was holding back the tears, not wanting to stress her out even more than she was. This wasn’t about me, this was about her, and comforting her and helping her accept what happened.

It took a while but I patiently rocked her and soothed her back while she sobbed until her shaking slowed down to a slow stop. Her sniffles were present but her cries were gone. She leaned back and I grabbed another tissue wiping at her snot covered nose and her red puffy eyes. She hiccupped and dug her little fingers into the now soaked shirt I was wearing.

“Can-can,” Another hiccup, “k-keep day shoes and ‘atch.”I nodded at her and pressed a kiss to either cheek.

“Of course you can honey. Why don’t we take them out of the cupboard though and display them. We could put Daddy’s watch in the jewelry box Nanna got you from Australia and Mummy’s shoes could sit in the corner of your room next to your shoes?” I offered, she nodded and used her chubby hands to wipe at her eyes; hiccups still making her fidget every couple of seconds. I lifted her up with me so we could get a drink.

“You don’t have to hide stuff like that from me okay sweetie?” I said to her, placing her on the counter while pouring us both a drink of water. “We’re in this together, so you tell me secrets and I tell you secrets.” She smiled at my shyly while accepting her small bottle filled with water.

“I love you sweets and nothing can change that. You got me for good okay?” I pulled her against me, sighing when I felt her body relax and her hiccups stop. I wanted us to be better now. I hoped we would be. We were both a far cry from being okay and I knew this conversation was going to come up many times in the future when she was old enough to notice the missing links or old enough to question but we would continue getting better, together.

-

“You can’t bring your elephant.” I said to Evelyn stubbornly. She stared back just as stubborn and clutched onto her stuff toy even tighter. I sighed, noticing the hardness in her eyes that reminded me so much of Erin. “Okay, okay fine.” I responded, holding up my hands in a small surrender looking so much like Ethan.

Sighing I checked the time on my phone and silently cursed while leading Evelyn through the car park filled with posh cars, by her hand. We got out onto the main street when Evelyn dropped the elephant and almost burst into tears if a small stranger hadn’t picked it up and handed it to her almost instantly. I smiled in relief at the short man and began to lead her away except she stayed still, not moving, still staring at the short man.

“Evelyn come on,” I tugged on her again, but she just smiled brightly at the man.

“Elf.” She pointed at him and my eyes widened in horror. I bent down to scoop her into my arms while apologizing profusely to the shorter then average man while Evelyn demanded too see his ears, that were covered with a red Christmas beanie, so she could touch them. I practically ran away before the man could grow angry.

We found Harry further down the street waiting patiently outside one of the fanciest restaurants in Holmes Chapel.

“I’m so sorry for being late.” I rushed up to him to be greeted by a large smile. We were twenty minutes late and he didn’t even seem to care.

“It’s alright.” He shrugged, careless, while leaning down to press a kiss to both our cheeks, pausing to allow Evelyn to smack her own lips against his cheek wetly.

“We saw an elf.” She told Harry excitedly, waving down the street and almost smacking an elderly man walking past. I shot him an apologetic look and eyed the fancy restaurant wearily.

“An elf?” Harry asked curiosity didn’t seem to be his only emotional. “That’s funny because I was just talking to Santa.” Harry shot me a meaningful look while Evelyn crowed in happiness. I looked skyward for a moment praying to whatever the hell was up there for there to be a reasonable reason for everything that had happened this whole month. In fact these last five months would be a lovely answer to have.

“Are you really going to take a five year old in there?” I asked Harry, changing the subject and gesturing towards the restaurant. He nodded and offered his hand to my free arm.

“Come on it will be fun.” He responded, guiding me towards the door and opening it. I sighed and glanced towards Evelyn who had seemed to accumulate all her energy not used on crying this morning to wreak havoc for me all afternoon.

“You are so paying for the bill they’re going to send me.” Harry looked confused at my comment while the waiter approached us, eyeing the five-year-old human in my arms that was about to become a eating, talking human disaster.