Ho Ho Hopefully

I opened my eyes slowly, still not used to the feeling of waking alone. A squeal from downstairs alerted me to the fact that my younger sister was now awake and aware of the fact that it was Christmas Day. There was a moment of silence and then I heard her footsteps as she ran upstairs and down the hall to my room.

"Becca!" she exclaimed. I closed my eyes and let out a light snore, pretending that I was still asleep. "Becca wake up!"

"Why? What's going on, Bailey?" I asked, pretending I didn't know already. Her inky black hair swung in front of her face as she started to jump up and down on my bed.

"Santa came!" Bailey jumped to the floor and darted out of my room as quickly as she entered. I pushed my covers back, feeling a pang of sadness as I realised that this would be the first Christmas I'd spend without John in the last few years. Up until the beginning of the month we had planned to spend the morning with my family and eat Christmas dinner with the O'Callaghans, as I preferred to see my sister get excited over her presents from Santa.

However, that wouldn't be the case this year. John wasn't even in Arizona for Christmas, which was part of the reason why we broke up. The Maine were supposed to be on tour over Christmas, spending the holiday in New Jersey before continuing their tour and arriving back in Phoenix at the end of January. I'd had enough of not being able to see John for birthdays, Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving and other holidays so once he said he wouldn't be home for Christmas this year, I ended things.

December 1st

"Hey baby, how's tour planning going?" I asked John over the phone as I searched the pantry for the ingredients to make a pasta bolognaise.

"Uh, yeah, okay I guess. There's just one little thing," he trailed off. I paused with my arm mid-air, this didn't sound good.

"What is it?"

"Well," John hesitated, "the tour is scheduled to start a few days before Christmas in New York, so I'm not gonna be home for Christmas."

My heart dropped in my chest. "You're what?"

"It doesn't matter though, you can still spend Christmas dinner with my parents if you don't wanna stay at your place, I'm sure they'll be expecting you anyway," John rambled.

"That's not the point," I cut him off, feeling angry now, "This is the first Christmas you've missed since we started dating, since the band even began. You've already been on tour for both our birthdays and Valentine's Day this year, you were writing and recording shit on our anniversary and I barely saw you for Thanksgiving. The band basically dictates your life these days!"

"Becca, it's my career, I don't have a choice," John argued.

"You do have a fucking choice!" I shouted, "You can say that you need to be home for Christmas! All of you should be, it's not fair on any of you to be so far away on the biggest holiday of the year."

John sighed. "I'm sorry, Becca, I can't change anything because of my own personal preference. Everyone else has agreed that being gone over Christmas is fine and just because I don't want to, it doesn't mean that they'll change it. I'm sorry."

I felt the tears running over my eyes and my lower lip began to tremble. "I can't keep going on like I'm okay with you missing out on these big parts of our relationship. I'm sick of being alone and if you can't change it, then I can."

"Wait, what do you mean you'll change it?" John asked, sounding worried.

"I think we should break up."

"Well, I don't think we should, I love you Becca and no amount of touring is going to change that," he argued, sounding like he was on the verge of tears himself.

"John, this is me breaking up with you, not asking your opinion on whether it should happen or not. No matter how much I love you, I need someone who's going to be there for me when I need them the most and by being on tour all the time, you're can't do that for me," I sobbed out.

"Becca, please don't do this," John said as I heard my father's car pull up in the driveway.

"I'm sorry John. Please don't come and try see me, it'll just make this all harder than it already it is. Bye." I hung up and began to cry properly, not believing what I had just done.

The chair that John would sit in on Christmas morning was painfully empty and I wondered what he was doing right now, probably playing around with whatever presents the band had given him or moping around in the snow in New Jersey, complaining about the cold weather. Being born and raised in Arizona, he wasn't a very big fan of it.

Bailey opened her presents, her dark brown eyes shining excitedly as she'd exclaim over whatever toy she'd received from Santa before quickly opening the next one. I didn't receive much, just a few sweaters, a pair of jeans and a book I had asked for. The morning was full of hot chocolates, setting up Bailey's new toys and preparing Christmas lunch.

"Are you going to stay for dinner?" Mom asked as she began washing up the lunch dishes. Jenny had already asked me to come to Christmas dinner at their house, bribing me with her glazed ham and the fact that she had already bought me a present. I knew that there would be no awkwardness of John being there post-breakup, so I accepted. I still felt weird knowing that I was going to my ex's house to have Christmas with his family.

"I already told Jenny that I'd go over for dinner, you know I can't resist her glazed ham," I joked and my mother chuckled. Everyone used to joke about how I only ever went to the O'Callaghan Christmas dinner for Jenny's glazed ham, John complaining about how I'd pay more attention to the ham than him and I'd shut him up by saying that I only got to see the ham one day of the year and I could see him whenever I wanted.

I retrieved the presents I had bought for the O'Callaghan family, as well as the one I had bought for John mid-November to leave for him to open once he returned home from tour.

It was beginning to storm as I pulled up at the O'Callaghan residence and Jenny ushered me inside quickly.

"I'll get you a coffee, it's freezing outside. Put those under the tree and come help me out," she ordered, seemingly flustered. I wasn't sure why though, she had Shane and Ross stirring various pots and pans and chopping vegetables, keeping the kitchen under control.

I sipped at the coffee she had made me, inhaling the smell of her glazed ham. She pulled it out of the oven and began to baste it with her honey glazing, anxiously staring at her phone. It began to buzz and she picked it up and walked to the doorway.

"Can you keep brushing that for me and then put it back in the oven? I need to take this call," Jenny rushed out of the kitchen to take the call, speaking in a low voice.

I did as she told me and finished my coffee, chatting with Shane and Ross as we continued cooking.

Once she had hung up her phone, Jenny came back into the kitchen, shooing me into the dining room as she ordered the boys to set the table and call their father in for dinner.

Jenny carried the food from the kitchen to the dining room as we all sat in our seats, once again the seat beside me that John would usually occupy was empty and it was painfully obvious.

"Alright, let's say grace before we eat." I wasn't extremely religious and neither were the O'Callaghans, but Jenny always insisted we say grace before meals on big holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving.

We all held hands, Ross taking my right hand and my left hand remained empty as it was usually occupied by John's hand, and Jenny began to say grace.

"We are thankful for having a lovely home in which to live and food on our plates daily. We are blessed to be able to be together on this special occasion, and be joined by Becca, who we all consider to be part of this ever-growing family. Although we can't be joined by John tonight," Ross looked over at me subtly and squeezed my hand, giving me a small smile that I returned, "We are thankful that he is able to do what he loves to do and have so many people look up to him as a positive role model and we are blessed to have him as a part of our lives, even though he may not be home as often as he used to."

I felt a growing sense of sadness mixed with guilt overcome me. This job wasn't just John's career, it was his entire lifestyle. I had seen him play countless shows over the years and he was always the happiest I'd seen him on stage and meeting fans. I'd selfishly asked John to give up that happiness over a holiday that would come around the next year.

Jenny finished saying grace and we began to serve ourselves, I of course piled my plate with glazed ham. I began eating and there was a knock on the door. Jenny smiled to herself as she excused herself to retrieve the door, everyone else looking over at me and smiling weirdly. I furrowed my brow and continued to eat as Jenny and whoever was at the door talked in hushed voices, then both began walking towards the dining room.

"Well look who decided to join us," Shane joked.

"Better late than never," came John's voice from behind me. I nearly choked on my mouthful of ham and Shane laughed at me. Jenny returned from the kitchen with an extra plate and set of cutlery.

"Sit down and start eating, grab some ham before Becca eats it all," Jenny said, handing him his plate as he sat in the seat next to me, looking over to me briefly before piling food on his plate. I kept sneaking glances towards him as I took small bites of my ham.

To say that he looked good would be a lie. He had only been on tour a few days, but he had dark rings around his eyes, which were bloodshot, his hair was a mess and his skin was pale, as if he hadn't been outside in weeks.

I felt bad, knowing that it was me that caused this to happen to him. There was no way this could have all happened since he left for tour, and even after previous tours he's never looked this sickly.

"So how was your flight sweetheart?" Jenny asked him as she resumed her dinner.

"Not so great. A lot of turbulence and we had to land pretty quickly so we wouldn't be caught up in the storm. There weren't many on the flight either, the flight attendant said I was crazy for flying in this weather, but I told her that it was Christmas and I needed to be home," John said, sneaking a small smile at me at the end, which I returned.

We ate the rest of dinner making small talk. As we began to clear the table, there was a lightning strike and the room went black, the sudden darkness making me unable to see anything.

"Hold on, let me go get some candles," Jenny said in the darkness. With the room now immersed in silence, we could hear just how heavy the rain outside was along with the accompanying howling wind.

A small flicker of light came from the doorway and Jenny's face was illuminated by the candle in her hand.

"Everyone take a candle and help carry dishes into the kitchen, just put them in the sink and we'll clean them once the power is back," she said, handing John's father a candle and touching the wick of hers to his, lighting it. They continued this until everyone had a lit candle and we cleared the table as quick as possible.

With no power, we couldn't watch the annual Christmas Carols on TV, which was a tradition that had been running since before I started joining the O'Callaghans for Christmas.

"Well, we might as well start on the presents now and figure out something else to do until the power comes back on," Jenny suggested, pulling the presents out from under the tree. The boys unwrapped their presents from each other, laughing at the gag gifts they had given each other.

Everyone else had opened their presents from me, and I had opened mine from the O'Callaghan family minus John, so the only presents left to open were John and I's from each other. However, the only present left under the tree was the one I had wrapped for John.

"Here, Merry Christmas John," I said softly, handing him the flat square.

He opened it slowly, pulling the vinyl album from the packaging.

"I already have this one, Becca," John said, confused. I started to smile, anticipating his excitement.

"Flip it over."

He turned it over and his eyes grew wide in amazement. "Holy shit, when did you get this?" he asked me, reading the note Tom Petty had written on the back.

"Last month while you guys were holed up in the studio, I was going through the record store and I saw him in there talking to one of the employees, so I bought the first one I could find and asked him to sign it for you," I said as John stood up to walk over to me and hug me.

"Thank you so much, this is amazing. I really appreciate it, Becca."

Jenny looked back under the tree. "John, where's Becca's present?"

I waved it off. "It's okay, he didn't have to get me anything."

"No no, it's upstairs, I just wanted to give it to Becca in private," he said, standing straight and heading towards the doorway, motioning for me to follow him.

I entered his room, feeling weird now that we weren't dating, but seeing the pictures of us still on his walls made me feel a little more comfortable.

He fished around in a drawer before coming up with a small blue bag from Tiffany & Co. I felt bad immediately as I knew it was going to be expensive, much more than John would have been able to afford.

"I was originally planning on giving this to you differently," he said, pulling a small blue box from the bag and my heart froze in my chest, "But after what happened at the beginning of the month I didn't think it would be appropriate."

He opened the box and inside lay a simple gold band with a sizeable diamond attached to it. I covered my mouth with one of my hands as tears started to run down my face. John was planning on proposing to me, but my selfishness ruined his plans and cost him a fortune.

"Hey, it's okay. I didn't want to return it anyway, it didn't feel right. I want you to keep it though, because it was supposed to be your Christmas present and I didn't get you anything else." He pushed the box into my hand and curled my fingers around it.

I shook my head. "John, I can't accept this. You're supposed to give this ring to the girl you're going to marry, not your pathetic, selfish ex-girlfriend," I laughed through my sobs.

"You're right. I'm supposed to give this to the girl I'm going to marry. That's why I'm giving it to you, because one day once my career has died down I hope that you'll still be here and I can sweep you off your feet like I did the first time," John said, wiping a stray tear from his eye.

I shook my head again. "I don't know what I was thinking. All I could think of tonight was how selfish I was for pushing you away like that. Being on tour and playing music and meeting fans makes you happy, and seeing you happy makes me even happier. It was wrong of me to ask you to give up that happiness for me."

"Becca, I should have told the guys from the start not to put a tour over Christmas. It was a stupid idea and all the guys are hating the fact that I got to fly home and they couldn't. I should have told them to reconsider it." John pulled me into a tight hug and we sat hugging until my tears had subsided and I'd left wet patches on John's sweater.

"I'm not going to lie, these last few weeks have been awful. Bailey's been forcing me to have 'play-time' with her for at least three hours every day," I mumbled into John's chest, feeling the familiar rumble of his laughter.

"I bet she loved having her big sister back for a few weeks, she's gonna be pretty disappointed when I steal you back after I get home from the tour," he said. I smirked at him.

"And what makes you so sure of that O'Callaghan?" I asked playfully, feeling myself slipping back into my old flirty self.

"I think this might convince you," he smirked back, leaning down to press his lips softly to mine and I returned the kiss, feeling the happiest I'd felt in over three weeks.

There was a knock on the door and John and I pulled away quickly, seeing Jenny standing at the door with a beaming smile on her face.

"The radio just announced that the power won't be back on until the morning and that it's not safe to leave the house. Looks like you're stuck here tonight, Becca."

"I think I can live with that. Come on, since we can't watch the carols on TV why don't I play some by the candelight?" John suggested, standing from the bed and picking up his guitar with one hand, holding the other one out for me to take. I pulled myself up from the bed while holding his hand, following him downstairs as I thought about how lucky I was to have a guy like John in my life.

"And we're ho ho hoping that we all come back, and as a matter of fact I know we're exactly where we're supposed to be, together by this Christmas Tree."