My Life in Bursts
December 8th, 2013
Mood: Depressed and reluctantly hopeful
Music: Show 'Em (What You're Made Of) by Backstreet Boys
Time: 9:10 PM
I'm starting to realize that changing my mind set wasn't nearly enough to get me on the right track, so to speak. I needed to do more, but just didn't realize it at the time. Just thinking positively and trying to be positive only worked for so long, and when things as trivial and seemingly insignificant as a botched birthday and holiday blew them over like the big bad wolf to the pig's house, the whole thing just collapsed, and I was left, once again, with no shelter or protection.
I realize now, after all that has been said and done, that if I want to truly move forward, I need to make an even bigger effort. I need to not be inadvertently lazy and build a house of sticks; no, this time, I need to build myself a freaking castle. And to do that, I need to take some time off. Maybe give myself a year off from college so life can slow down and I can pursue other interests, such as singing, and then I can really focus my mind and work on what I need to work on without the constant pressure of deadlines and grades. Plus, it'll give me a chance to build character and self-respect, both of which I desperately need.
*takes a deep breath*
Now, I'll just need to tell my dad that. Good luck to me.
No one here knows what happened to me a few months ago, so I guess I should probably fill you all in since no one will have a clue about what I was going on about in the first two paragraphs unless I do that.
Basically, a giant spider snuck up on me in my room, and it made something inside of me snap. I was left broken and traumatized by the experience. It took me a whole hour to muster up the courage needed to kill it, and in all that time, I was left rooted to the spot, watching helplessly as the spider spun webs and practically danced around the walls and ceilings, as if it was mocking me and telling me how weak and pathetic I was being.
After that, I fell into a deep depression, and, with the aid of some really close friends, discovered that one thing led to another, and that, somehow, for some reason, my real worry did not lie completely with the spider. No, instead it had to do with the fear of losing my parents. The encounter with the spider simply served as a catalyst for that, as if it was a cruel sign telling me to wake up before it's too late.
See, my parents and I were never close. In fact, I used to have to email my dad whenever I needed (or wanted) to do something, or to buy something. The blame for that rests squarely on the shoulders of both my aspergers, and my failure to stand up to it and say, "Tough. We're going to muster up the courage to talk to my parents, and that's that!"
But that distance that I made between my parents and I was extremely damning, and detrimental to my health. I was lonely, and had this absolutely insane fear that they could die at any time. I realized, because of that spider, that I loved them, and that I needed to fix the relationship we had before it was too late. So, I sat my parents down, had a heart-to-heart, told them everything that I have told you guys, and, for a time, things were better.
Well, now things have gone to hell, and I need to fix it again, and this time, permanently.
So, yeah.
Until next time.
Music: Show 'Em (What You're Made Of) by Backstreet Boys
Time: 9:10 PM
I'm starting to realize that changing my mind set wasn't nearly enough to get me on the right track, so to speak. I needed to do more, but just didn't realize it at the time. Just thinking positively and trying to be positive only worked for so long, and when things as trivial and seemingly insignificant as a botched birthday and holiday blew them over like the big bad wolf to the pig's house, the whole thing just collapsed, and I was left, once again, with no shelter or protection.
I realize now, after all that has been said and done, that if I want to truly move forward, I need to make an even bigger effort. I need to not be inadvertently lazy and build a house of sticks; no, this time, I need to build myself a freaking castle. And to do that, I need to take some time off. Maybe give myself a year off from college so life can slow down and I can pursue other interests, such as singing, and then I can really focus my mind and work on what I need to work on without the constant pressure of deadlines and grades. Plus, it'll give me a chance to build character and self-respect, both of which I desperately need.
*takes a deep breath*
Now, I'll just need to tell my dad that. Good luck to me.
No one here knows what happened to me a few months ago, so I guess I should probably fill you all in since no one will have a clue about what I was going on about in the first two paragraphs unless I do that.
Basically, a giant spider snuck up on me in my room, and it made something inside of me snap. I was left broken and traumatized by the experience. It took me a whole hour to muster up the courage needed to kill it, and in all that time, I was left rooted to the spot, watching helplessly as the spider spun webs and practically danced around the walls and ceilings, as if it was mocking me and telling me how weak and pathetic I was being.
After that, I fell into a deep depression, and, with the aid of some really close friends, discovered that one thing led to another, and that, somehow, for some reason, my real worry did not lie completely with the spider. No, instead it had to do with the fear of losing my parents. The encounter with the spider simply served as a catalyst for that, as if it was a cruel sign telling me to wake up before it's too late.
See, my parents and I were never close. In fact, I used to have to email my dad whenever I needed (or wanted) to do something, or to buy something. The blame for that rests squarely on the shoulders of both my aspergers, and my failure to stand up to it and say, "Tough. We're going to muster up the courage to talk to my parents, and that's that!"
But that distance that I made between my parents and I was extremely damning, and detrimental to my health. I was lonely, and had this absolutely insane fear that they could die at any time. I realized, because of that spider, that I loved them, and that I needed to fix the relationship we had before it was too late. So, I sat my parents down, had a heart-to-heart, told them everything that I have told you guys, and, for a time, things were better.
Well, now things have gone to hell, and I need to fix it again, and this time, permanently.
So, yeah.
Until next time.