Too Tired to Run

And so here I am
Teetering over the edge
Of what has been
And what will be of me
In a few moments.

I used to be someone
Who knew
What to do and never gave up
On anything thrown my way
But I'm finding myself
Less than I thought I'd be at the end.

As a child I saw myself
Old surrounded by love
And content with my own passing
But then I saw the world
And my place was nowhere
And all love was hidden.

Every beat that pulses
The now cold blood through my veins
Hurts me more than every word
And every loss has ever hurt
Because these beats sound a kind of finality
As though my heart is fearing the rest of my body
And trying to beat itself out
Trying to grow old as the rest of my body never will.

Because my mind is too old for this seventeen-year-old body it's encased in
And my soul is too heavy
To float away
As my mind has so often wanted to do.

My heart
The frozen organ trapped inside
A dead body
Is filled with dread
But just won't stop the frantic beating
That goes against my wishes.

It would be so much easier
If it would give up
And release me
Cutting the holds on my soul
So it could be light enough
To float in away.

Here I am at the end,
Not old and content
As the naiveness of my childhood dreamt
But frailer inside than should be humanly possible.

Cold October air hits my face,
Nearly freezing the tears on my cheeks
And I think it's so odd I'm crying
Now
When I haven't cried in months
When I'm not sad about my passing
But calm in a way of knowing it's almost over.

Soon,
So soon my heart will stop
My soul cut free
It will float away
Quicker than my body will fall.

I'm too tired to run
From my troubles any more
But here with my toes teetering over the edge
And the water rushing far below I find
Some other kind of morbid strength.

I'm too tired to run
But not to jump.