Running Scared

With the warmer weather, I'm able to leave the cave more often, although the problem of my pregnancy is constantly hindering me from being a valuable member of the group. I can't go too far in case of danger, Roger won't let me go deep into the woods like the others, so I spend most days washing and drying clothes, praying for this pregnancy to be over as quickly as possible.

All the clothes I brought with me from the Community are now too small so I've had to borrow bits and pieces from everyone just so that I have something to wear. Stephen gave me a long sleeved shirt of his as I've even outgrown Grahame's. Both he and Julian are a larger build, broader than the rest of us, so his shirt swamps me and I've been able to fashion a sort of dress from it. I've had to roll back the sleeves a few times just so that my hands can be free.

I shake back the sleeves now, careful to keep them out of the way. Grahame is going to teach me how to skin a rabbit, after much persuading on my part. On his instructions, I'm waiting by the stream beside a large, flat rock. This is to be our work surface.

"We're in luck. Those snares caught three of them, Margery really knows her stuff." Grahame tells me, sinking to the floor, gripping the dead rabbits by their ears. "Clear room on that rock, please."

I gather the knives carefully, patiently wait as he lays an animal in front of me.

"You sure you want to do this?" he asks, taking the spare knife from my hand, glancing at me.

I roll my eyes and resist the urge to slap him. "How many times do I have to tell you, Grahame? Yes. I need to know how to do all this stuff, I'm not going to sit around on my butt all day forever. So it's a little gross, I can deal."

He nods, gives me one of his half smiles and takes a deep breath. His hair is so much longer now than when we first escaped and I resist the urge to push it back from off his furrowed brow as he inspects the rabbits.

"Right, okay. I'm just going to teach you everything Marge told me - "

"Marge?" I snort, silencing when he shoots me a desperate glance.

"What? She said to call her that."

"I bet she did." I mutter darkly, turning my attention back to the rabbit.

"Start from the bottom, just here - " he tells me, guiding the tip of my knife to just above the leg joint on the rabbit. "You have to cut around here, you see? Not too deep though, just so we can get the fur off."

I make the first cut and keep my face blank, not wanting to give away my disgust and give Grahame an opportunity to call this whole thing off. I want to be useful, I'm tired of being the burden and if helping means preparing the group's meals, then fine by me.

I finish the task and move back to allow him to inspect it. He doesn't snatch the rabbit away from me so I can only presume I've done a decent job so far.

"Cut a line from each of those rings up to the backside, okay? Believe me, it helps make the skinning a lot easier. Once you've done that, you're going to have to start pulling the hide away, all the way along that incision."

"Right." I say, using conversation to distract me from the job. "So what did you think of what Margery said the other night? All of that stuff about how she found the others? Like she's the glue in this group or something."

Grahame doesn't take his eyes off my hands, correcting me when I go wrong. He moves the position of the knife a little as he replies, choosing his words slowly.

"I would say that it's not completely untrue."

I laugh harshly, pausing to raise an incredulous eyebrow at him. "You have got to be kidding."

He sighs in resignation, drops a shoulder in a halfhearted shrug. "What do you want me to say? I'm not going to lie to you. Everything I know now is from what she's taught me, everything the others know is from Margery. What's so bad about that?"

I start to tug at the fur on the rabbit, fighting to keep myself in check.

"Oh, I don't know - " I huff, yanking harder on the hide, the motion staggering my words. "She - hates - me. I - hate - her. I - don't - trust - her!"

Grahame reaches out and takes the rabbit from me. "You're ruining it." he tells me but I know he's not just referring to the rabbit.

"It's fine but I'm sure Marge can do a better job." I say shortly, holding out my hand for him to give it back but he throws it on the ground behind him.

"Is that what's bothering you? You know it doesn't mean anything, Amelia. I'm not about to run off with her and leave you behind."

I don't look up from my bloodied hands, suddenly annoyed with myself that I could possibly be jealous - and of Margery, of all people. And over Grahame! I don't think I've ever actually said exactly how I feel about him, to him. Perhaps not with words but surely with my actions he can see how much I care about him? Either way, Grahame would be the last person on this earth to knowingly betray me, in any sense of the word, no matter what or who I am.

"No, I know that. It's just, well, you know. Pregnancy stuff, my god damn hormones are on the fritz." I say, pausing for a second with the blade in the air, realising that I'm making excuses for myself again. I glaze over the same issues by using my pregnancy as a reason and that's wrong, it's not fair.

I glance up at him and shake off my awkwardness. How many times has he opened up and told me precisely what he's thinking, how he's feeling? All I've ever done is shrug away from a moment that presents itself as intimate.

"Are you okay?" he asks quietly, testing out the air between us.

"Yes, or - well, no..." I say, fiddling with the hem of my shirt. "Grahame, you do know how much you mean to me, don't you?"

Whatever he was expecting me to say, this wasn't it. He blinks hard a couple of times but he seems incapable of doing anything beyond that. I'm a little stunned myself but it's about time I stopped playing around, testing out my emotions.

"Look, I know this has been a long time coming, just don't make a big deal out of it, okay?" I say earnestly. "This is just really, really hard for me. You know the kind of person I am and I'm sorry for that, Grahame. Of all the people you could get stuck with, you got me."

I tentatively take his hand and manage to look at his face - into it would be a more accurate description. I lose my place when I stare at him like this and it scares the life out of me, being able to fall into this one person so absolutely. His eyes are as round as the moon, blue eyes flashing, not daring to even blink because he must have been waiting all this time for me to finally catch up and clue in.

"I'm cynical and cranky and apparently, get ridiculously jealous over nothing. But you did get stuck with me and I swear to god, Grahame, I wouldn't change a thing. I promise you. I never asked for any of this, I didn't want it but look at what we got out of breaking every single rule. We got each other. I got you. It just took me a while to realise that you're the best thing to happen to me. Before you, I was just like everyone else, I was alone and I didn't even really know it until, well...I wasn't. Until you."

"And I guess the reason why I've been so hesitant all this time is because I'm not used to having something and I'm scared that, that if I finally, you know - that when I finally just let myself accept it, you'll be gone somehow. Like, you'll get caught or die because this will never be safe, us being out here."

Grahame softens, cradles my face in his hand, rough fingers scraping my cheek. His smile grows wider and wider, like he just can't stop, like he doesn't want to stop.

"You should take your own advice, from back at the farmhouse? That we shouldn't wait for something bad to happen, just in case it will. We should live instead. Can we, Amelia? Can we just live now with nothing between us? No more arguing."

I nod and his smile is all teeth until I'm kissing him, pushing myself this once to make sure he knows I mean it. I can feel him smiling through the kiss and it suddenly feels like I've done this one thing right.

I pull back and my eyes instinctively go to his scar. I trace it with my forefinger and his eyelids slip shut for a second.

"Are you ever going to tell me how you got that?"

His smile dims a little and he reaches back to place the rabbit between us again.

"Soon, I promise." he says, placing the knife back in my hand. "But right now, we need to finish teaching you how to skin a rabbit."