Impavid

Cain was the only person to come in. He stared at me, lips trembling and eyes filling with tears. I took a step towards him and he backed away, shaking his head. It was like being slapped, to see him standing so close to me that I could reach out, but him shying away from me. Tears brimmed over, spilling onto the canvas of his cheeks.

“Cain.”

“Are you gonna say goodbye?” he demanded, his voice breaking off into a sob. I broke my promise then, tears spilling over my own eyes as I looked at my little brother. He was everything, the only thing that could make me feel complete. “Cause I really don’t want to hear it.”

“Then it isn’t goodbye.”

“What is it, then? See you later? That’s a lie, Lana!”

“It’s I love you, Caindon. That’s what it is. It’s an I love you, and you are my everything, and you are going to be fine. You will be absolutely, completely fine, do you understand me?”

“How do you know that?”

He let me approach him then. I knelt down, grabbing his arms tightly as I kissed him on the forehead. “Because you are more like me than you are like mom and dad. Because you are exactly like me, and even better. And because I want you to be fine.”

The door opened. Cain panicked and threw his arms round me, crying hard into my shoulder. I squeezed him tightly before he stepped away, pulling his arm away from the peacekeeper. He looked at me as he was ushered out of the room. “I hate this.”

I nodded. “I know.”

When no one else came in to visit me, I was escorted to the sleek car that had black windows, blocking the worlds view of me as I stepped in. My tears were dried and there was no hint of them as I glanced in the reflective properties of the window.

Finnick slid in shortly after I did. The moment the car shut, he looked at me, making the driver flinched as he began to yell louder than I had ever heard him yell. “Are you absolutely out of your fucking mind?”

Shocked at the rare use of cursing, my eyes widened. “Lower your voice!”

“I’ll be damned if I lower my voice, Lana! Why did you do that? Mags was ready to sacrifice herself for you and you pull that? Dammit, Lana!”

“You think an elderly woman with no chance of survival ought to go in? Are you crazy? I could never do that to her. She’s like a mother to me!”

“That’s just it, she was ready to die, Lana! She’s old and she was prepared to leave as long as it meant saving the rest of you! She’s tired and you’re young with everything ahead of you!”

“I don’t see it that way.”

“You’re blind in the ways of the world! Do you understand the gravity of the situation? There is no version of this where you and I come out alive. There is no version of this where I can hope that one day-"

He broke off and ran his hand over his face. His entire being was shaking, his face red with anger. I had never been yelled at like this by Finnick in my life, and it was making my throat tighten, making me press myself against my side of the car away from him as his anger sucked out the air, filling it with rage. “I’m not going to apologize.”

“Of course you’re not.”

“I still stand by what I did.”

He looked at me and I suddenly would have rather been dead than have him look at me the way that he did right then. It was like he was so mad that he wanted nothing to do with me. “That’s just it, Lana. You always think about what you think is right, instead of the whole picture. You always have.”

My mouth was shut firmly. I refused to say anything else to him. It was obvious he needed to rid himself of his white hot anger, and until I felt like I had a better answer to his questions, we were at an impasse. He too, took to silence. Even when we entered the train, we went straight to our respective compartments, stunning Bellona to silence and making Mags simply sit by herself in the dining compartment.

For the first hours on the train, I sat on my floor, staring at footage from the past hunger games. As I did so, I did sit ups, the effort of my body and the concentration of analyzing driving the anger and the fear out of my body. If I kept myself busy, I would have no time to be upset.

Sweating and out of breath, I finally lay on the floor. The carpet was soft. The air was cool, making my sweat dry and leaving a salty feeling on my skin. The saltiness made me close my eyes and picture the ocean. Behind closed lids, I saw a big ocean swell, the blue water rising up and curling as it crashed back down on itself. The wave rushed to the beach with a soft whoosh. As it retracted, white foam was left behind, a sort of barrier between the wet, hardened sand and the grainy, dry parts.

The sound of the air-locked door opening made me sigh in frustration. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to know who it was that had opened my door. The chances that it was Finnick were pretty big. He would want to come in and try and tell me the gravity of the situation. It could also be Bellona, who would coax me out to come talk strategy.

“Come with me.” Ah, it was Finnick. I cracked an eye open. He was dressed in drawstring pants and a crisp, white shirt. His hair was damp, brushed out of his eyes. He was leaning over me, no expression. “Any day now.”

“Can’t you see that I’m busy?”

“Day dreaming about home isn’t busy, Lana.”

“Well that’s accurate and creepy.”

“Get up.”

I shook my head. “You’re not my mentor anymore.”

“Get up.”

Breathing hard, I rolled to my feet and walked past him, sending him a pointed look. I did not appreciate his inability to keep his anger in check; I have never known Finnick to be violent or so unpleasant when he was angry. Perhaps that was because I had never directly made him angry, and he rarely felt the emotion.

Finnick passed me and led me down the length of the train all the way to the farthest room. The back of the train had glass windows all around, the best view of the area around. Everything shook slightly, but other than the small tremors of the objects in the room, you could hardly feel the train moving.

Trees blurred past. They were undistinguishable, blobs of green. The sky was beginning to turn, making the transition from midday to late afternoon. Finnick sat down next to Mags, who would now mentor once again. It was more out of tradition than necessity.

“Do you remember what we talked about, last week?”

“I recall.”

“It’s happening.” I raised my brows in surprise. my eyes flickered to the door. We were the farthest car away from the security car in the front of the train, by where the living quarters were. “They want us to stand behind the girl.”

“I see. And how organized is all of this?”

“More than you or I could have imagined, Lana.”

I nodded slowly, turning the thought over in my mind. Standing behind Katniss wasn’t my first thought of what I wanted to do in the games. But if Finnick was going to stand behind her, and if it somehow meant some way out of the system, some how overturning the capitol… “Well I guess we both stand for something, then.”