Impavid

I hate everything about the arena. I can feel the hatred running through me as I trek through the jungle portion of it. All that exists in this arena is a giant plain of grasslands, a mountain that is near impossible to climb, and a jungle that is both exotic and crawling with creatures that attempt to eat us numerous times. But thanks to our small group being skilled with weapons, we continue to survive.

It’s been a day since the games started, and I’ve already killed four people. I have no idea how many people the careers have killed, but I feel it in my bones that I’m already on a warpath. Nothing can stand between that medicine money and me. I know it, but no one else seems to know it.

We take a break and sit down, peeling fruit that Farrow claims is edible. Since she has yet to croak and fall over, I assume that they’re safe. Biting into one, I find that it’s sweet and tangy, the juice running down my face. I wipe it with the sleeve of my lightweight shirt.

“What are we going to do next?” Farrow asked, biting into her fruit. She suffers from a miner scratch on her cheek from an encounter with the girl from nine. I put down the girl from nine with my trident in return. “We’ve basically reached the outer rim of the arena.”

“We let the careers kill off everyone else,” I answered, spitting out seed. “They’ll do the job for us. But if we come a cross someone, we kill them. Makes one less problem.”

“What if we can gain another ally?”

“The only allies you have are sitting right in front of you, Farrow. The other’s aren’t allies, they’re your enemy.”

For the first time since joining us, Max opens his mouth and says, “That’s a bloody way of thinking about it.”

“It’s the only way.” Max has dark brown hair and he’s seventeen. He has green eyes and he’s strong, good at handling an axe. The entire time that he’s been in the arena with me, he’s been quiet, which unsettles me. “You’ve got to realize that.

“We’ll see.”

A cannon goes off again. I don’t flinch, but both Max and Farrow flinch at the sound of it. I simply mark that it’s another person I don’t have to kill. Another child that will not make me seem like an abomination because it’s not at my own hands. A sick relief washes over me.

When we’re done resting, we decide to make camp somewhere on the edge of the woods, away from the strange animals of the jungle. We make it as far as a few hundred yards when the sounds of footsteps approach, making us turn and raise our weapons. The boy from nine stumbles into our pathway. He looks the same age as me.

The boy barely gets a word out before I twist my trident in my hand, taking him down by the neck. Farrow lets out a shriek of shock as he goes down, blood gushing from his windpipe. Without so much as a word, I walk up to him and remove my trident with a sickening sound.

“How do we know he was going to hurt us!” Max shouts, startling me. I glare at him to shut up, but Max is glaring at me, gesturing to the boy. “He could have helped us survive the careers, you know!”

“Or he could kill us all in our sleep.”

“He could have helped.”

“He would have been a liability.”

Max narrowed his eyes. His throwing arm is flexed and his stance is lightly poised. I can read it in him, that he is tense and ready to take me on. It only took moments for the shift to happen, something that I am unused to. Finnick told me that these types of things happen in a group; anything can set us off. “You’re a liability, I think. You want to kill anyone who gets in your way, don’t you?”

“I don’t want to kill anyone. It’s not about wanting to kill people, Max. It’s about giving us a better chance to survive this for as long as we can until we don’t survive anymore.”

“And how long until you kill one of us?”

I shook my head. “We would split up and-"

“And what? Hopefully we just die?”

“I hadn’t thought that far, yet.”

Farrow is shifting uncomfortably now. Her distress is visible, but she is not poised to attack me like her friend is. I do the math, knowing that it’s two against one, but I’m faster than they both are. If I took out Max first, Farrow will only have a moment to recover. “Can we please stop arguing?” she asks, looking between us. “The careers are out there and they’re looking for us.”

Max looks at Farrow. “We can’t do this,” he grows. “This isn’t going to work.”

“So we split up?” I asked. Somehow I know that we aren’t going to split up. I’ve already half made the decision in my mind to kill the boy and try to console with Farrow when he throws the axe. I hardly have time to register this as I bend backwards, allowing myself to fall to avoid the axe. But it catches me across the forehead, blinding pain going across my skin as it merely skims my head.

Rolling backwards I avoid another swing with his second axe. He lifted it and brought it down hard, intending to cleave me in half. Instead, his swing embeds the edge of his axe into the ground, so deep that as he tries to remove it, I’m on him, kicking him backwards and flourishing my weapon with a spin before bringing it down into his chest as I stand on his abdomen. Farrow’s scream wakes me up.

My breath came out in gasps as I clawed at the sheets, covered in sweat and shaking with the effects of the nightmare. Finnick was up in seconds, grabbing my shoulders and telling me to breathe, which I found hard to do as I gasped for air, trying to fill my lungs with it.

As always, for a moment I couldn’t figure out where I was. The lines seemed to blur between nightmare and reality and as I tried to roll away from Finnick, I momentarily realized that I was in the capitol on the night before the quarter quell. Just more nightmares to add to the book, I was sure.

“Are you alright?”

“Just let go please,” I answered, pulling away from him. Finnick complied, dropping his arms. His face was hurt but I turned away from his handsome features, getting out of his bed and going directly to the bathroom.

Turning on the shower, I stepped into the freezing water fully clothed, not carrying that the dark nightgown began to cling to my skin. Closing my eyes, I tried to imagine that the water running over my body was from district four, that I was sitting in the ocean. I held my breath to emphasize how hard I was trying.

I didn’t know how long I was in there with the water running. It doesn’t seem to matter. The water continued to chill me to the bone, but I didn’t care. I needed water, I needed something that was far away from the arena, that was far away from the capitol.

Finnick finally let himself into the bathroom. I was wondering how long it was going to take him. I was impressed that he held out as long as he did before he opened the glass of the shower, making me look up at him through the water pounding on my head.

“Tell me.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Do you remember when you refused to tell me about them at first? And when you did, they got better?”

“But they didn’t. They aren’t better anymore. I feel like I can’t go to sleep for fear that I’m going to stop breathing when I try and wake up, Finnick. I killed ten people, ten human beings single handedly. And now I’m about to do it again. The worst part is... I don't even care.”

“Lana-"

“Please don’t try to justify it. I’ve been doing that for years. I don’t need anyone else to try. We all try to pretend that I wasn’t a complete maniac in that arena. We all try and act like I am some good person who is going to do a good job at protecting those two kids in there.” I glared at Finnick through the water. “You know damn well if she doesn't trust us I’ll kill her like everyone else. It’s like I’m hardwired. And I only care that I can't find myself sick over the act of killing."

“Do you think I don’t feel that way? Don’t forget who hunted people down with a career pack in their games.” Finnick took a step into the shower. “Don’t forget it was me who told you to kill them all. I told you to trust no one. I told you to do what you had to do. I told you to live, Lana, and dammit you did. You cannot keep doing this to yourself. Not now. Pull it together.”

For a few minutes I was silent. I continued to stand in the shower. Finnick was on the edge of the water, his clothes slightly damp. My hand worked it’s way to the settings, turning the water off. I pressed my forehead against the cool wall, breathing deeply through my nose. “I can do this.”

“Yes, you can. Think of your brother, think of Cain. What would Cain want you to do, Lana?”

“He would want me to survive. To do what I promised.”

“Then do what you promised. Survive. Protect. Nothing else in the past matters, not unless you let it. You can’t hold yourself for the prejudices you perceive of your own character. Make it different. As I recall, you promised you weren’t giving them a show.” I glanced at him. I had hardly remembered that I said that, but there Finnick stood, remembering something that I had said in a fit of rage. “Didn’t you?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

“Good. Don’t become your nightmares.”

*

The urge to vomit hit me in the face the moment that I opened my eyes. Instead of vomiting, I took a deep breath. Next to me, Finnick was wide away, staring at the sunrise. Orange and yellow beams of light peered over tall buildings. Beautiful, but pitiful in comparison to sunrises at home.

Moving didn’t seem like an option at first. Instead of moving, I laid there, thinking of ways that I could possibly toss myself over the building or down the elevator shaft. I tried to think of any way to escape getting in the tight glass tubes only to be shot up into an arena of a particular horror.

“Finnick?” He looked at me. I didn’t look at him, but I could feel his eyes looking at me, hear the turn of his head. “I’m fucking terrified.”

“There’s the Lana I know. I thought I had lost her last night. Nice word, by the way.”

I shook my head. “She was just scared shitless.”

“Oh good, you’re talking in third person.” A knock sounded on the door. I suddenly got the urge to shout ‘no’ at the door, but I knew it would do me no good. Instead, I sat up in bed. Finnick mimicked my movement, grabbing me as I slid out. He pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth. “Just so you know, I consider you and I to be in a relationship.”

“Oh? You didn’t decide that a while ago?”

“No, I did. I just thought that I would remind you. So no kissing other boys in the arena.”

Despite knowing that I was an hour away from entering the arena, I laughed. It felt stupid to laugh right in that moment, but I did, long and hard. “I don’t know, Finnick. Chaff looks like one hell of a kisser.”

A somber smile crossed his face. “I’ll see you at the start.”

I nodded. “I’ll see you at the start.”

Dressed in green pants, a black t-shirt and boots, I was escorted by two peace keepers to the outside of the building. The sun was blinding, causing me to squint my eyes as I walked across the blacktop towards the hovercraft. The hanger door was opening, waiting for my arrival.

Cashmere, Blight, Doc, Brutus and other tributes that I recognize but cannot name were sitting in their seats. I took my seat next to Brutus. He snorted upon my arrival, earning a cutting glance from me. Holding out my arm, I let the woman on board stab my forearm, the tracker inserting deep into my skin, lighting once. At some point I knew I would be required to cut it out of my arm. I pushed the thought away.

Quickly and quietly the hanger door clanged shut. Closing my eyes, I leaned back into my chair, holding my breath as the hovercraft lifted off of the ground, my stomach lurching with the movement. Brutus groaned next to me, making me open my eyes to glance at him.

“Not fond of flying either?”

“Only done it a few times.”

No conversation was exchanged after that. We were silent until we landed again, all of us being escorted separately to our own private rooms. My own looked exactly the same as it had the first time I ever entered the games, but emptier. As I undressed, I began to wonder if I should have let one of the twins wait for me in the room like the first time I had gone in.

The room was freezing. I couldn’t tell if my hands were trembling because of the temperature, or because it was dawning on me that in a few minutes I was going to be standing on a metal plate, running as quickly as I could to the cornucopia.

Every ounce of me began to shake. My fingers trembled and my lips quivered as I stepped into the wetsuit. Instead of focusing on the raw fear that was beginning to claw at me like a beast in my chest, I concentrated on the wetsuit. I was familiar with it, something I used all the time at home. So it would be an arena where there was water or an ocean. My heart leapt at the thought.

Zipping it, I stretched in it. It was flexible and easy to move in, perfect for running on land if there was any, and perfect for gliding through the water. Picking up the shoes, I examined them. They were extremely light weight and at the touch I could tell that they were water resistant. The bottom of them had rubber grooves made for gripping. If there was a beach, I wouldn’t need grip. But if there was rock, I certainly would.

Breathe in, I told myself.

Stepping into the shoes, I took deep breaths in through my nose and let the air out of my mouth. My heart began to pound, the kind of pounding where you can feel it in your stomach. It the kind of heart beat that wracks through your entire body and you’re sure that you can hear your heart.

Breathe out.

The last thing on the table is a single gold bangle. I looked at it strangely, picking it up and examining it. It was wrought of gold flames, perfectly carved. A single card sat under it. Picking it up, I scanned it, raising my brows.

Wear this to symbolize you’re allies.- H

Nothing else was written but I put the bangle on my right wrist, knowing that as long as I flashed it to Katniss, she’d understand I’m a friend. The significance of the bangle was beyond me and I had no idea how it was supposed to signal to Katniss that I was a friend, but I knew that it was the best I had.

Breathe in again.

The room was empty. Flashes of images begin to run across my mind. Kissing Finnick for the first time, hugging Mags close to me and assuring her that I’ll see her again. Killing ten people. I see a blur of my parents, me screaming at them.

Attempt to breathe out, Lana.

My parents.. They were the last people that I would ever assume to come to mind, but they did. The two people who created me and loved me until I was no longer a product of love. I was a product of the capitol who they never looked at the same, who they treated with politeness but not love. Two people who gave up on me. Everyone that gave up on me.

My palms began to sweat. I could feel my throat closing slightly as I tried to swallow down pure terror. I began trembling all over again, eyes darting around the room. Crossing my arms over my stomach, I tried to calm myself by hugging my abdomen, hoping that if I shrink myself in size, I’ll shrink the fear.

“One minute remaining.”

Another shaky breath in.

I ran my hand over my face, turning around and looking at the tube. Quickly as I could, I let my hair out of the pony tail and managed to braid it into a bun across the back of my head before I had to get into the tube. The thirty minute bell rang and I headed towards the glass, my entire frame vibrating with anxiety and fear.

Don’t choke letting it out.

“Think of Cain,” I said quietly to myself. Talking out loud seemed to help, the room not so silent as I did it. I stepped into the glass. The cold air was cut off when it sealed. For a minute, I felt a moment of panic being in a tight space, but I continued my mantra. “Think of Cain. He would want me to live. He would want me to be brave and to help. Cain will be able to say I helped start the revolution.”

A noise made me flinch and the tube began to glide upwards. Closing my eyes, I held my breath. For a moment, the sound of the tube washed away. The sunlight from the arena began to warm the top of my head, but I was somewhere else. I imagined the sea, imagined what it would be like to go home again. I imagined going under the water with Finnick, holding our breath until we thought our lungs were going to explode.

The plate stopped moving but my eyes were closed. I could almost hear the ocean, smell it, even. It then occurred to me that my senses were not that good, so I opened my eyes, taking in the arena around me. Ocean water stretched in every direction until it hit the beach all around. A copse of trees meet the beach, a jungle.

Cool breath in.

Spokes of land stretched to the cornucopia, one between every two tributes. Twelve spokes, twenty four tributes. We had to swim to it, and glancing at either side of me, I knew I had the advantage. Cashmere was on one side of me, Brutus on the other. There was no doubt I could out swim them. Regardless, I decided to go for Cashmere.

Cool breath out.

A steely resolve filled me and suddenly I was no longer trembling. Every limb was locked in place. A wind blew across me as I lean forward, prepared to dive. The arena was fashioned perfectly for me. Whether it was by chance or on purpose, they had given me the ocean, my home turf, and they had given me a jungle, a place I’ve already killed and won.

“Welcome to the 75th annual Hunger Games,” the voice called, startling people. I didn’t even try to find Finnick, knowing that in that moment it didn’t matter. He was in the same position as me. He’d head right for the cornucopia. I knew this for a fact, so I zeroed in on the wave size, the wind and the direction of the current, calculating how to swim and how hard I needed to exert myself. “Good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor.”

The clock started at ten. Nine. Eight. A wave crashed against my pedestal, making me grin. The ocean is my own. Six. Five. Four. Cain yelling at me to swim harder echoed in my mind.

Blaring, the horn goes off. I dove.