Impavid

I was in shock. The extensiveness of the military and living base of District Thirteen completely shocked me. We passed by several floors of living spaces and the cafeteria until we got to the Medical Bay. Katniss and Beetee were taken in immediately and under intensive care. At least, that is what I was told when I asked.

Finnick and I stayed close until we entered the medical bay. A man escorted me to my own separate room, which I disliked. I realized, as we walked away from one another reluctantly, how dependent we had become on one another. I hated even the thought of being a few rooms over.

The first thing that they did was give me pain medication. Dr. Marlin, as he introduced himself, held up a needle, gesturing to my arm politely before inserting it into my arm. I liked that he asked permission before injecting me with something that instantly began to make me swim. My eyes became droopy and I felt everything in my body begin to float. I felt as though I were experiencing everything through third person.

Laying me down as to stop me from falling out of the medical bed, I stared at the lights. Different colors swam before my eyes as I lay there, smiling at the ceiling. I was deftly aware that Dr. Marlin was cleaning and sewing the horrible gash I had given myself on my arm. He was also applying liquid on my ankle and my leg. My leg hurt the most as he examined it. I knew it would hurt worse if I hadn’t been swimming with drugs.

Time seemed to past effortlessly in my drug stupor. I was sewn up, medicine swiped on my injures, and instructed to remain laying down as the doctor left the room. I closed my eyes then, breathing in heavily. I was so tired, more tired that I had been in a long time. But I would not fall asleep. I wanted to see Cain and I wanted to see Mags, to hold them in my arms.

So I fought my medication. When Dr. Marlin came back in, he was surprised. “You’re not asleep?”

“I… family. I wanna see m’family.”

He smiled. “In due time. You need rest, Lana. You’re under severe amount of stress and all your vitals are on the edge of shutting down. Sleep and you will wake up revitalized and you can see your family.”

“Finnick.”

Dr. Marlin sighed. “He was asking for you too. This is very against policy and completely out of my level of understanding, but he is being brought in here. I feel as though you will rest easier.”

The door opened and Finnick was rolled in on a bed similar to mine. They were just cots with wheels, really. He was placed next to myself. His brow was glistening with some sort of medical serum and he smiled lazily at me, rolling his head to look at me as though it were too heavy. “Oh my god you’re beautiful!” he exclaimed a little too loudly. I giggled. “Oh my god, Dr. Claudia, do you see the love of my life? She’s sooo beautiful. Oh my god I’m so lucky guys.”

“Are you sure about this?” a female medic asked Dr. Marlin. “They’re completely out of it.”

“I’m sure,” he nodded, examining us. Finnick was using his hands to touch my face. It felt like fire all over my skin as he ran his fingers over my face and across my lips, moving them as though he were trying to mold something. “They need sleep in order for the medicine to do it’s work. I have a strong belief they won’t do that if they aren’t next to one another.”

“President Coin…”

“Will be informed that these are my requests as a physician. We’ll be alright, Claudia.” He turned to us. Finnick had appropriated half of my bed now, pressing his forehead against mine. I moved my hands the best I could- I could hardly feel them- and loped them around his neck. He was warm. “You too sleep now. We’ll be here when you wake up.”

Together both doctors left the room. My eyelids were heavy as I stared at Finnick. His eyes were already closed but he was still stroking my face lightly. “I love you so much,” he whispered, voice barely audible. “So much.”

“I love you too,” I replied, though I was falling asleep so it came out as ‘I luh you twa.’

*

My parents can barely look at me. It’s been weeks since I’ve been home, and ever since then I had felt alienated. It wasn’t like this the first day, but after the first week of me waking up in the middle of the night screaming, of me constantly freaking out over little things and having delusions, they have pulled away from me.

I think they feel like they are failing. I sit across the dinner table from them as my father takes a bite of his fish. He looks up at me and smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Just a few hours earlier, I had fallen asleep on the couch and started screaming. When he tried to wake me, I hit him- hard. His eye was turning black and blue now from my strike.

Cain is sitting across from me, chewing happily. He is just glad I am home. We all eat quietly. As I cut my fish, there is a knock on the door, startling me. I react so fast that I barely know what happened. One second I am in my seat eating, the next I’m on the floor behind a chair with the knife in my hand. My mother sighs heavily but my father stands up and goes to the door.

When he returns, Finnick is with him. He sees me crouched on the floor and he instantly changes his face. He is dressed in shorts and a loose button up shirt. His hair is wild, as though he’s just woken up. When I see him I drop the knife and stand up, straightening myself.

“I was wondering if I could borrow Lana,” he asks, not looking at either of my parents. He is looking at me, an eighteen year old boy who has command in his voice. “If you wouldn’t mind.”

“We were having dinner,” my mother says quietly. She looks at me and then shakes her head wildly. “Go ahead.”

Without saying anything to them, I duck my head and hurry towards Finnick, who leads us out of the room. We don’t say anything until we are outside and walking towards the beach. I am wearing a dress in attempt to make my mother smile, maybe. It is a sea-green dress that ties around the neck. I have pearls in my ear and on my wrist. My hair is wavy and down, like it often is.

Outside is dark. There are no clouds and the sky is clear. The moon reflects on the ocean, rippling with the tied. Finnick and I sit in the sand and he bows his head. “They don’t understand,” he says finally. “They never will, you have to understand. Don’t be mad at them, but they don’t get it.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Do you get me.”

He smiles at me and leans over, putting his head against mine. “I think so.”

Finnick was breathing evenly against me. I could feel him, hot against my back. Sometime in my sleep I must have turned over. When I opened my eyes and turned, I saw him smiling tiredly at me. His eyes were like the dark parts of the ocean, mysterious but beautiful all the same. He leaned forward and pressed a firm kiss to my forehead.

A few weeks ago he was just someone who had mentored me. It was hard to pinpoint when exactly I had started loving Finnick. I knew it was early on, somewhere between wondering about him in the arena my firs time in and there after when he was one of the few people I could connect with.

Everything in me felt tired. I had slept but it seemed for naught. Something told me that sleep wasn’t going to heal my exhaustion anymore. Instead, sleep had become am in between state for me, the place between my conscious nightmares and my unconscious fears.

Other than being tired and feeling my bruised bones, I felt better. My leg was only in a slight amount of pain, but it was no longer throbbing. My arm hardly hurt at all, and the few scrapes and bruises that I had acquired were no more than small itches. Whatever the doctors had given me had worked for the most part.

“How do you feel?” Finnick’s sleepy voice was my favorite. It was lower than his normal one, and rough around the edges like sandstone. His hair was disheveled and his cheeks were filled with heat from his sleep.

“Better,” I answered, closing my eyes and kissing him. He kissed me back, biting my lower lip playfully. I smiled into the kiss. “I want to see my family, though.”

Finnick nodded and slowly sat up. He stretched, his back muscles flexing. He was still in the same shirt, but I realized that sometime during my blackout sleep, someone had cleaned me and changed me. I shivered at the thought of someone touching me without my consent. I would have to ask about it.

As though they knew we were awake, the door opened and both doctors stepped in. Sitting us up on the cots, they took our vitals again and instructed us to take certain medicine to fight infection. I did so without hesitation, not wanting any of my wounds to fester.

“Can I see my family yes.”

Dr. Marlin hesitated. “Yes, they are waiting for you in Meeting Room A.” Dr. Marlins eyes flicked to Finnick. “I assume you will be going with her?”

Finnick nodded once. “Her family is my only family.”

“Let us show you the way.”

Sliding off the cot, I eagerly followed them. I had to limp on my leg slightly, but other than that it worked fine. Finnick took my hand, squeezing it. I barely felt it at all, excitement coursing through my veins. I wanted Cain in my arms and to hug Mags tightly and smell the sea salt in her hair.

As we walked down the hall, I saw that armed guards were posted along the hallway. None of them so much as looked at us. I glanced at Dr. Marlin who was leading the way. He stopped at a door and wiped his hand across his forehead, clearing sweat away. It wasn’t particularly hot in the building, but he seemed to be sweating profusely.

He raised the card to unlock the door and hesitated. “Is there a problem?” Finnick asked, looking at Dr. Marlin with narrowed eyes. “Just open the door.”

“Of course,” he agreed, nodding and swiping the card. It slide open and he stepped back several feet away, gesturing for us to enter the room. “Your family.”

With my heart pounding like drums, I rushed into the room, letting Finnick’s hand go as a smile came to my face. The room was relatively small with a metal table and chairs situated at it. My parents were sitting in two chairs, standing up abruptly when I came in the door. They were dressed in blue clothes, similar to the ones that I had on.

My father looked different. He looked tired, more tired than I had ever seen him. He also had a fresh cut on his head that looked deep. My mother standing next to him had shorter hair and a way look in her eyes that she used to get when she would see me start to breakdown and have violent episodes.

They were the only two people in the room. My mind went backwards. The evasion of an answer by Heavensbee about the location of Mags, Dr. Marlin hesitating at the door and sweating, and my mother looking at me as though she were afraid I was going to have an outburst.

I began shaking my head. It was slow at first, as though I was trying to say ‘no’. But it became more pronounced, as if I were trying to dispel something from my head as I shook it and backed up into the wall, my hands coming up to cover my mouth. They were trembling. “Where is he?” I asked, my voice coming out unfamiliar and at an extremely high volume. “Where is my brother? Where is Cain? Where is Mags?”

“Lana…” My mother trailed off. Finnick stepped forward and held up his hand to stop whatever it was she was going to attempt to say.

“Cain is in the Capitol,” my father said heavily. “Our house was raided at the same time that district thirteen sent for us. They took the other victors in the village and they took Cain.”

“No,” I sobbed. Everything inside of my broke. I felt each rib crack, like they just snapped in two. “Mags? Where are they Where is my brother and my real mother?”

I began to slide down the wall, slamming the back of my head against it. Cain was in the Capitol. My heart burst in my chest and I knew that I was going to die. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see. I could feel the vibrations in my throat, which told me I was screaming. I tasted blood in my mouth as I screamed as hard as I could, something in my throat popping so that I coughed, tasting more blood.

I screamed, and I screamed, and I screamed louder still, no matter how much pain my throat was in as I did it. Hands were on my but I struck out so hard that I felt someone’s bones crack with the connection of my fist.

Everything hurt. My lungs could not gather air and I didn’t want them to. More than anything I wanted to die. Cain was in the Capitol, and Mags was either there, or she was dead. My heart told me the worst of it, and I began to weep for her too. My sweet, little brother with his big blue eyes, and my sweet, old mentor with the soul of the ocean. They would be killed or tortured until the last days if they weren’t dead already.

I didn’t deserve to live. I knew that more than anything.

I screamed, and I screamed, and I continued screaming.

What was the point in existing if Cain wasn’t safe? There wasn’t. My sickly brother who I had done everything for, who I had tried to desperately to keep away from the people who ruined me, was with them.

I learned something. I learned something right before there was a pinch in my leg and before my mind felt heavy and some sort of darkness took me. I learned that the only thing in the world that was more powerful than the blackest, darkest and the deepest part of sorrow was the brightest, hottest and furious part of hate.

I hated my parents.