Collide, Ignite

"Lex!" Reilly called out when she walked through the door, having seen her friend's car outside when Niall and Maisie dropped her off. She tossed the keys in her hand onto the table next to the door, but then thought twice about it. She picked up the keys to Niall's Range Rover that he'd insisted she take since he was taking her car, and pocketed them. "Lex," she called out again.

"Kitchen," she called back, sounding somewhat distracted.

Reilly kicked her shoes off and made her way toward the kitchen. When she entered, Lexie was leaning against the counter next to the stove with her eyes glued to her phone. There was a cutting board full of potatoes that had been cut into strips on the counter and a pan of hot oil on the stove.

"Are you really making french fries right now?" she asked. "Or, ignoring them, rather."

"Hmm?" she said, slowly lifting her eyes from her phone. "Oh," she laughed and pocketed the device. "Where's Maisie?"

Reilly walked over to the stove and plucked one of the cooked fries off the plate they were cooling on. "She's with Niall, actually. Wanted to spend the rest of the afternoon with him," she said.

Lexie raised her eyebrows as she pulled the fries out of the oil and dumped them onto a baking sheet lined with paper towels. "So, she really likes him, then?" Lexie asked, not looking at Reilly as she dropped more potatoes into the hot oil.

"Mmhmm," Reilly hummed. "What're you up to tonight?" she asked, changing the subject.

"I don't know," she said with a shrug. "I was thinking I'd just hang around here with you and Maisie tonight, have a girls night, or something."

"It's Friday night," Reilly said, popping another fry into her mouth. "You and Harry don't have any plans?" she asked.

Lexie shook her head. "Harry and Louis are doing," she paused, her eyebrows pulling together. "I don't know, something tonight. Top secret, apparently."

"That's never good," Reilly commented.

Lexie giggled. "I know. I'm slightly concerned," she said, and then waved her hand. "Anyway, Harry said you need a girls night."

Confusion crossed Reilly's face. "He did?" Lexie nodded. "Why would he say that? I never told him that," she said.

Lexie's eyes rolled back into her head. "You and Harry don't need words. He could tell just from your text messages," she said and then waved her hand through the air. "But it doesn't matter. You're stuck with me. I'm going to see what Cara's up to, since Louis' with Harry." She didn't even wait for Reilly to respond before pulling her phone from her pocket again and typing away furiously.

Reilly grabbed a few more french fries. She was shaking her head a little as she headed out of the kitchen. "I'm going to be really bummed if you burn down the kitchen," she said. Lexie mumbled something after her, but Reilly didn't quite catch what she said. Nor was she terribly concerned about it as she climbed the stairs and headed to her room.

Even though she'd unintentionally taken a nap earlier in the morning, she was feeling strangely tired. She all but collapsed onto her bed, her mind still spinning from the day. Niall's behavior toward her had been strange to say the least, but he'd been so wonderful with Maisie that maybe it shouldn't matter. It was possible that the only reason he hadn't canceled was the little girl, and that was something she needed to figure out how to be okay with. But she wasn't. A strained friendship with Niall was worse than the five years they'd spent not talking to each other.

In the beginning she'd missed him terribly. Any time something happened for the first two months she wanted to call him or show up at his door and tell him all about it, big or small. She cried herself to sleep more nights than she could count because of the huge mess she'd made. But slowly her heart had begun to piece itself back together as best it could and the urge to talk to him lessened. She pushed him and everything they'd gone through in that short period of time to the back of her mind and immersed herself in her studies.

When Maisie was born, the feeling of wanting to send Niall pictures of her new baby sister overtook her, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. When she saw him for the first time again after months of having no contact, she'd wanted to run to him, throw her arms around him and never let go, but she couldn't find the courage to make the move. They didn't speak at all that day, though they'd tossed a few awkward glances across the room at each other. It was a strange feeling, to have shared all the things they did, to know each other so intimately and then act like they were never even friends. She cried herself to sleep that night knowing it was her doing.

They started being able to casually converse when they'd see each other, occasionally send each other a text message here or there. But Niall ultimately stayed true to his promise to not be in her life while she was still in school. Through it all, he was always a thought somewhere in her mind. On a bad day, she would go through all the what if's. On a good day, she would smile at bright blue eyes of a stranger she passed on the street.

Being apart, in all actuality, was the easy part. But the way they were now, he was so close, and yet further away than when he'd been on the opposite side of the world. His person was there but the emotional distance was huge and overwhelming. It was with that thought, and an uncomfortable pang in her chest that she drifted into a restless sleep where she dreamed of what her life would have been like if she'd said never come to London in the first place.

That was the darkest place her mind could go. She hated every image of a life without the boys she'd grown to know and love. They'd chosen her when no one else had. They were her comfort, her support, and at times the air in her lungs. She tossed in her sleep, trying to shake the montage of Boston playing through her mind, the feeling of dread with every step she took through her dream world. The daylight was dim and her heart felt heavy and she was searching for something she couldn't find.

She finally woke up to her phone buzzing in her pocket. Upon retrieving the device, she saw that she had been asleep for over an hour, though it felt like much longer. Just as she was opening the text message Lexie had sent her, presumably from downstairs, her phone started buzzing again. Niall's name lit up the screen.

"Hello?" she answered quickly, her voice hoarse from sleep.

"Are you okay?" inquired the sweet, little voice on the other end of the line. "Did someone make you sad?" she asked.

Reilly cleared her throat. Her heart nearly broke at the concern in Maisie's tone. "No, Little One. I'm okay. No one made me sad," she assured her little sister. "What's going on? Are you having fun with Niall?" she asked.

"Uh huh. Can I have a sleepover here?" she asked.

"No," she answered immediately.

"Please Reilly," Maisie whined. "He said it was okay. He said I just had to ask you. He even has a room I can sleep in. Please. I really want to."

Reilly let out a long sigh. "Baby, you just had a sleepover at Uncle Zayn's," she started.

"I know, but that was Uncle Zayn. This is Niall. It's not same," she argued, cutting off her older sister.

"You don't have any pajamas or extra clothes at Niall's house. And that's asking a lot from him, to stay at his house. He already bought you lunch and took you to see a show and he probably bought you ice cream. You've been with him for a long time, and he probably needs a little break. I think you should come home tonight. Auntie Lexie and Auntie Cara want the four of us to have a girls night," she said.

"But Reilly," Maisie said in a wavering voice. She sniffled, and the next thing Reilly heard was a muffled voice and what sounded like the phone being passed from one person to another.

"Reilly?" Niall asked. She hummed in response. "I'll bring her home if you really don't want her to spend the night here, but if you're only tellin' her no because you think it's puttin' me out somehow, it's not. I'd be happy to have her for the night, and I can bring her home first thing in the mornin', or whatever time you want her there," he said.

She sighed, heavy and long. And what came out of her mouth next was not something she'd actively thought about, but couldn't stop nonetheless. "She's not your daughter, Niall," she said. It wasn't said in a harsh manner, but softly, like a gentle reminder.

He was quiet for a long time after that. So long that Reilly pulled the phone from her ear at one point to make sure he hadn't hung up on her. Finally she heard his breathing speed up a little. He was on the defensive. "I'm aware of that, Reilly," he said. She flinched. The way he said her name almost sounded like it was a bitter taste on his tongue. "I'm not doing any of this because I think she's my daughter, or because I want her to be my daughter, or for any reason other than the fact she's a sweet child. If you really have that big of a problem with me spendin' time with her, you should have said something sooner," he practically spat, and Reilly could only hope that he'd left the room Maisie was in before he'd gone off on her.

She felt moisture gather behind her eyes. He sounded hurt in a way she couldn't quite place. "I don't have a problem with you spending time with her," she said, blinking in an attempt to keep the tears at bay. She was trying hard to keep her voice from sounding sad, but was probably doing a terrible job of it. "I'm actually really, really glad she likes you so much. I'm just worried she might get too attached to you?" she said, but it came out more as a question.

"She isn't you," he said after a moment.

His statement caught her off guard. It wasn't spoken with malice, but softly, gently, like she had only moments before. She blinked again and this time a tear escaped. She quickly wiped it away. "I know," she said softly and then sniffed. "Um." She cleared her throat. "She can stay the night, it's fine, but she doesn't have any pajamas or extra clothes for tomorrow. I'll bring some by in a little while, and her toothbrush, also," she said.

Niall's tone changed drastically when he spoke again. "Don't worry about it, Darlin'. Got it covered," he said. Reilly tried to argue, but he didn't give her the chance. She could tell he'd pulled the phone away from his ear by the distant sound when he called out to Maisie. "Hey, Little One, come 'ere," he said. "Your sister said you can sleep over."

She squealed with excitement. There was the sound of the phone being passed again and then her cheerful voice came through the phone. "Thank you, Reilly," she said excitedly. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

"Hey, listen to me, Little One," she said. "I want you to be really good for Niall. Even better than you were for Uncle Zayn, okay?"

"Okay, I will. I love you, Reilly," she said.

"I love you more, Little One," she replied.

"Love you most," Maisie said.

Reilly couldn't help the smile the stretched across her face. "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow," she said. Maisie echoed her sentiment and they said their goodbyes. Reilly pocketed her phone again and headed downstairs.

She found Lexie in the living room. One of the Harry Potter movies was on the TV, but Lexie's eyes were glued to her phone. "Cara should be here in a little bit," she said without looking up. Reilly hummed in response as she sunk into the armchair next to the couch. "When's Maisie going to be here?"

"She's staying at Niall's tonight, actually." Reilly's response caused Lexie to tear her eyes away from the screen of her phone. "What?" Reilly asked, taking in the look on her friend's face. "She called and asked if it was okay. Niall insisted that he was happy to have her, so I gave the okay. It's not a big deal," she said. Lexie mumbled something as she let her eyes drop back to her phone. "What was that?" Reilly asked.

"Nothing," Lexie replied. But Reilly wasn't satisfied with that and asked again. The blonde sighed. "I said that she's never asked to stay with Owen," she said. "Just an observation," she quickly added.

Reilly's eyes rolled upward and she closed her eyes for a moment. "Can we just, for one night, not talk about my relationship. You don't think I should marry Owen, but you don't like that I'm friends with Niall again. I can't win, and I'm really, really starting to get sick of it," she said. Her voice was soft, but her tone was firm.

"I never said either of those things," Lexie said, "but alright. No relationship talk tonight."

"Thank you," Reilly breathed. "Jesus," she added, her voice barely above a whisper.

The girls both fell silent. Lexie still hadn't stopped staring at her phone, intent on whatever she was reading. Reilly fixed her gaze on the TV, but she wasn't really watching the movie that was playing on it. Her mind was elsewhere, as it always seemed to be lately.

It wasn't long at all before Cara arrived, letting herself in the house without bothering to knock. "Why is Niall's car outside, but not Reilly's?" she asked as she was still walking down the hallway.

Lexie looked up from her phone and over at Reilly, her expression just as curious as Cara's tone. Reilly rolled her eyes. "He came over this morning to get me and Maisie, but we ended up taking my car because of her car seat. And then she wanted to go over to his house, so they took my car, and he left his here," she explained.

Cara had made it into the living room and both she and Lexie were looking at her with raised eyebrows. "Wow," Cara said, dragging out the middle of the word. "You don't let anyone drive your car," she commented.

If Reilly had had something in her hands, she would have thrown it across the room. "Can everyone please stop attacking me about Niall," she said exasperatedly. "Please. For the love of all that is holy."

Cara's eyebrows raised even further, it that was even possible. "Where's Maisie?" she asked finally. "I have something for her," she said.

"She's spending the night at Niall's," Lexie said, eyes back on her phone.

"She's not," Cara started to say, but then stopped. "Alright then, ladies, we're going out. Do girls night the right way," she said.

Lexie finally put her phone away and jumped up from the couch. "I'm in," she said excitedly.

Reilly looked up at both of them from the chair she had curled into. "Why? None of us are even single. What's the point?" she asked.

"Because it's fun!" Cara exclaimed. "Get dressed up, go have a drink or two and treat ourselves to some dinner," she said. "Show all the boys what they can't have," she went on, earning a small laugh from Lexie. Reilly gave no indication that she was going to move from her spot, the girls each grabbed one of her arms. "Come on. We're going. You're coming," Cara said as they pulled her out the chair.

She reluctantly let them push her up the stairs. Lexie and Cara went into Lexie's room, trusting that Reilly would get herself ready to go out. She wasn't really feeling up to it, still trying to shake the mood her dreams had put her in. But it was obvious the girls weren't going to let her stay home.

She stared at the contents of her closet, wondering what she should wear. If it were up to her, she would go out in the jeans and sweater she'd been wearing all day, but Cara had specifically mentioned getting dressed up. She pushed half her clothes to the side so she could reach the dresses in the back, and pulled out a black dress with long lace sleeves and quickly changed into it. She ran her fingers through her long hair, but didn't put much effort into her appearance otherwise.

After shrugging at herself in the mirror, she walked down the hallway to Lexie's room. Both girls who were already in there stared at her when pushed the door open. "Oh no," Cara said, shaking her head. "You look like you're going to a funeral. I'm sorry about the Niall thing. I didn't mean anything by it," she said. "Would you cheer up? Tonight's going to be fun," she finished. Reilly tried to force a smile. She knew exactly what Cara had meant earlier, and she also knew that Cara knew she knew that. The apology was a nice gesture anyway.

Lexie didn't waste any time pulling a wine-purple dress out of her closet and thrusting it at Reilly. Arguing seemed pointless, so she accepted the dress and changed into it. The hem fell a couple inches above her knee, and the fabric conformed to the curves of her body without being tight.

Without warning, Lexie came at her with eye liner, followed by a mascara wand. She tried to argue, but neither girl was having any of it. When Lexie finished, Cara replaced her and dusted eye shadow over her eyelids, and then a little bit of blush on her cheeks. Lexie handed a tube of lipstick to her, which she put on obediently while both girls went to work on her hair. She felt like a different person when they finished, one who was in a slightly better mood than she had been before coming into the room.

They managed to find a restaurant that was relatively quiet for a Friday night, and Lexie and Cara slid into a booth in the bar area while Reilly went to get drinks. She ordered her usual Guinness, a Jack and Coke for Lexie, and a Vodka Cranberry for Cara and carefully carried all three drinks back to the table.

She hadn't planned on having more than one beer. They'd driven to the restaurant in Niall's Range Rover (because "if he left you the keys, then obviously he wants you to drive it, and why wouldn't we take his car instead of one of ours?") and she assumed she would be driving home. But suddenly it was three hours later and she was on her fifth (or was it sixth?) beer (and had finished drinks for both Lexie and Cara) and there was no way she would be driving.

"He doesn't want to be my friend," she blurted out, her words slurred slightly as she interrupted whatever Lexie was saying to her and Cara that she hadn't been paying attention to.

Lexie stopped talking and both girls looked at her, suddenly aware of how much she'd had to drink. They saw the tears pooling in her eyes and their faces fell with concern. "Who doesn't want to be your friend?" Cara asked cautiously. Her tone had a hint of sadness in it, but Reilly didn't notice. The feelings she'd been pushing deep down inside since Louis' birthday party had finally come bubbling to the surface.

"Niall. He hates me. I can tell," she said.

Cara reached over and gently rubbed Reilly's back and Lexie grabbed her hand across the table, stroking the top of it soothingly with her thumb. "He doesn't hate you," Cara said.

Reilly nodded. A tear slipped out of her eye. "Yes he does. Because of Owen. Because it was supposed to him. And now he hates me," she said. Another tear slid down her cheek. "I think," she said, choking a little on the words. She took a deep breath and tried again. "I don't blame him. I kind of hate me, too," she confessed. She said the words so quietly it was a wonder either girl heard her.

"Oh, Sweetie," Cara said, scooting a little closer to Reilly and sliding her arm around her. Reilly leaned over and laid her head on Cara's shoulder.

"I think about him all the time. Even when I'm with Owen. It shouldn't be that way. It's not right. It's not fair," she said. "We were supposed to get another chance. But I messed it up. I ruined him. I ruined everything. Again. Just like I always do. All he wanted to do was love me. But I wouldn't let him. I wouldn't let him. He doesn't deserve this, any of it," she rambled on, and then added, "Neither does Owen."

"Reilly," Cara cooed, reaching over and placing her free hand on the side of Reilly's face. She looked across the table at Lexie who looked almost as heartbroken as the girl who was pouring out her heart. "Call Harry. Tell him to send a driver, and have him and Louis meet us at her house," she said. Lexie nodded and let go of Reilly's hand. She immediately reached over and wrapped it around Cara. "Niall doesn't hate you, I promise. He loves you. A lot. He's just sad," she said soothingly.

Tears were streaming down Reilly's face and soaking Cara's hand but she didn't seem to mind because she left it where it was on Reilly's cheek. "I made him sad," she mumble-slurred. "It's my fault. It's all my fault. I made him that way. I don't deserve him. And I don't deserve Owen. They both should have someone better than me. I'm trash."

Her last statement lit a fire inside Cara. She grabbed both of Reilly's arms and pulled her up, turning her own body so they were facing each other. "You are not trash, Reilly Quinn Payne. Do you hear me?" she said firmly. "You might have a lot of things inside of you that you're scared of, and you might not always get things right, but you are not trash. You have a beautiful soul and a kind heart that were put through the ringer for years starting at a young age, and you didn't deserve any of that. You deserve all the happiness life has to offer you and more. Don't you ever, ever think you don't," she finished.

Reilly nodded as the tears rained down her face. She felt weak, and practically collapsed against her friend. Cara hugged her tightly, and when Lexie returned, she slid into the booth with them, leaning on Reilly's back and whispering softly into her ear, telling her she was going to be okay. It wasn't the first time she'd done it, and every time she hoped it would be the last. But it wouldn't be. There would probably always be another time, and it pained her.

The three girls sat like that until the driver came. Lexie and Cara helped Reilly out of the restaurant and into the back of Niall's Range Rover. They sat on either side of her. She clung tightly to their hands at first, but her grip loosened as she started to drift off to sleep.

Harry and Louis were already at Reilly's house when they finally arrived. Harry took Niall's keys from the driver, who then got into the car that had followed them and left. Inside, they congregated in the kitchen, where Louis was trying to convince Reilly to drink some water.

"I don't want water," she said, followed by a hiccup. She laid her head down on the table. "I just want to sleep," she mumbled.

"Alright," Harry said. Louis shot him a look and opened his mouth to argue but Harry put his hand up quickly to silence him. It worked surprisingly well. "There's no point in trying to force the water down her throat. If she's tired, let's just take her upstairs and let her sleep," he said and gently tapped Reilly's back. She lifted her head and gave him a said smile as she reached for him. He slid an arm around her and helped her up. "Come on. Let's get you to bed," he said.

Before he could guide her toward the stairs, she wrapped both her arms around him and buried her face against his chest. "Sometimes I think I love you the most," she mumbled quietly into his shirt so only he could hear, and barely at that.

Harry leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "I know," he said. His voice vibrated in his chest against Reilly's face, sending a soothing feeling to her frazzled nerves. "Come on." He grabbed her arms and pulled her from him and began to steer her out of the kitchen.

Getting up the stairs didn't prove to be quite the task Harry thought it would be. When they were in her room, he helped her change into pajamas before pulling back the blankets so she could get in bed. Once she was tucked in he went into the bathroom and filled a cup with water to put on her nightstand, telling her it was 'just in case', and then leaned down and kissed the side of her head.

When he was gone, she reached for her purse that was also on the nightstand, nearly knocking over the cup of water in the process, and retrieved her phone. She opened her text messages, looking for the conversation with Niall before remembering she had deleted it.

She opened a blank message and typed in his number from memory. I miss you. She pressed send. Even when you're next to me. She pressed send. Especially when you're next to me. She pressed send. I'm sorry. She pressed send. I miss us. She pressed send. More tears slid down her cheeks as she clutched her phone tightly and closed her eyes.