Collide, Ignite

"Reilly, where are you goin'? I didn't mean to get upset. I'm sorry. Just come back and we'll talk. I'll be more calm."

"Reilly, please stop runnin' away from me. I didn't mean to upset you and I am so sorry. There's a lot I've been wantin' to say but I don't know how or even if I should because you're with him but after last night I really think we should try to talk. I was tryin' just now but I really messed it up. Just come back here, okay?"

"Reilly, it's Niall again. Where did you go? We really should talk. We've been walkin' on egg shells round each other and I'm tired of it. I don't know how to tell ya how sorry I am. Please call me."

"Don't understand why you won't pick up my calls, Darlin'. I'm not trying to bother you, I just don't like how you were cryin' and then just walked out. I'm sorry I upset you. I didn't mean to. You know I hate when you cry and I hate when you're hurting. Please come back or call me or something."

"Okay, Darlin', this is the fifth time I'm calling you and you still won't pick up. I don't want to go another five years or longer without being able to see you and have you in my life. I've missed out on so much already and it kills me to think about. I'm not just apologizin' to hear own voice. I need you to know how sorry I am for gettin' worked up and for makin' you upset. Call me, alright?"

"If you won't come back, and you won't answer my calls, could you at least please text me and let me know you're safe? You don't even have to say where you are. Please, Darlin'. I just need to know that you're safe."

By the time she got home, Reilly had six missed calls from Niall and a voice mail message for each. She stood in front of her house staring at the cars parked on the street, not caring that the cold was seeping into her skin. She couldn't feel much of anything other than guilt for everything she'd ever done.

With a sigh, she hit the button to play her messages and brought the phone to her ear. Whatever Niall was going to yell at her about was preferable in that moment to going inside and facing all the people who were waiting for her. She had purposely ignored his calls, putting her phone on silent after his name flashed across the screen the first time. It was too much. Everything was too much and she just needed some space and to breathe.

Her heart ached at his tone and the way he sounded sadder with each message while he apologized profusely for upsetting her. Tears she had only just managed to stop started to leak from her eyes again and she started to wonder if there would ever come a day that she would stop hurting him.

I'm safe. I'm home. I took a cab. she typed and pressed send. Niall, I'm so sorry. I can't talk to you right now. I need to breathe. She pressed send. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me. She pressed send. I hate me enough for the both of us, trust me. She pressed send.

His response was almost instantaneous after she sent the last message. Take your time darlin but please dont push me away thats all I'm asking. And then And I don't hate you. Please don't hate yourself.

Tears slid faster down her face. I'll try to call you later. She pressed send before she could overthink the message. I'm so sorry. Thank you for understanding. The messages felt desperate as she sent them. They felt desperate because she felt desperate. I'm so, so sorry. You have no idea.

She didn't wait for his response before she turned off her phone and slid it into her purse. With a deep breath she turned and walked to the front door fully aware of how many people were waiting inside for her. She had no idea what she would say to any of them, but putting it off any longer wasn't an option.

She dropped everything on the table by the door and then headed into the living room. Liam was stretched out on the floor helping Maisie build something with her blocks. Zachary, Harry, and Lexie were sat three across on the love seat, looking a bit close but not uncomfortable at all. Jasmin and Aimee were on the sofa with Zayn. Louis and Cara where sharing the big reclining chair. And after a few moments of her standing there quietly watching all of them, they all turned to look at her. No one said anything. Even Maisie just stared at Reilly like she didn't know what she was supposed to do.

Reilly looked carefully at each of them, from her little sister who she knew was being affected by everything that was going on, to her step brother who had virtually no idea what was going on, to her best friend, who was obviously unsure of what stance she should take. Her eyes moved to Harry who was looking at her with sympathy, to Liam on the floor who looked like he wanted to cry at the mess she surely looked at the moment, and then swept across the room to Aimee, who had dropped her eyes to the floor. Jasmin was clutching Zayn's hand, and Zayn was looking at Reilly with intense worry etched into his perfect features. Cara and Louis both looked like they wanted to pull her into the chair with them and shelter her forever.

She didn't know who to go to. There was something inside telling her that it needed to be Maisie, that she needed to go and hug the little girl and assure her that everything was fine and that everything would continue to be fine. But her feet wouldn't move. Her brain couldn't force her legs to propel her in that direction.

Finally Louis slid out from underneath Cara and stood up. He had barely taken a step toward her when Reilly started to crumble. He caught her easily and pulled her to his chest as she dissolved into tears once again.

"I don't think I can do this anymore," she said through ragged breaths.

Louis held her tightly with one arm and soothingly rubbed her back with the other. "What can't you do, Love?" he asked her quietly.

"This. All of it. I keep screwing everything up. I keep hurting everyone. I'm so tired. I want to give up," she told him. She didn't know if anyone else could hear what she was saying, but the words were meant for Louis' ears only. She had never been able to say anything like that to anyone else.

He kissed the top of her head. "Oh, my love, you're only human. You need to cut yourself a break. You carry more weight than one person should ever have to," he said. "But you can't give up. You just need ask for help. There is a room full of people who love you and would jump through rings of fire for you. You just have to ask." He kissed her head again. She nodded but didn't say anything. She just wrapped her arms around Louis' middle and hugged him as tightly as she could.

***

Reilly didn't call Niall. She did, however, text him to let him know that she needed more time, more space to breathe. She didn't call Owen either, like she should have. She didn't even give him the courtesy of a text message, and he made no attempt to contact her either. Instead she spent the next 48 hours focusing on her little sister and spending time with her step brother. The last four weeks had gone by so quickly that it was hard to believe the time the girls had together had nearly come to an end. As much as she didn't want to think about it, she had to. She loved having Maisie stay with her and it broke her heart thinking about saying goodbye.

She tried to push it out of her mind as she got ready for her graduation. The dress she'd bought was hanging on the back of her bedroom door in front of her graduation robe and there was an array of makeup spread out on the countertop in front of her. The house was silent around her. Lexie had taken Maisie and Zachary to Harry's house so Reilly wouldn't have to worry about running around trying to get other people ready as well. It was a nice gesture but the silence was only making Reilly's thoughts louder inside her head.

It occurred to her that she had no idea who would be coming to the ceremony that evening. Everyone had been invited, but it wouldn't surprise her in the least if Owen didn't show, and she was expecting Niall to sit this one out as well. A part of her wanted to text both of them and see if either would be there, but she knew it was better if she didn't. She had asked Niall for space, and she purposely had not contacted Owen, as he had been the one to walk out on her. She wasn't going to chase him. If he didn't want to fix what was breaking, it was pointless to try to force him. And maybe that was for the best.

After staring at the makeup for nearly ten minutes while a million thoughts raced through her head, she finally walked out of the bathroom and sunk down onto her bed. She reached into the drawer of her night stand and pulled out the speech she'd written, giving it a final once-over before she was to deliver it. Truthfully, it wasn't the speech she had expected to write, but every time she sat down to write out what she learned over the last five years she'd spent at UCL, what came out was always some version of what she had in front of her, and she finally decided to stop fighting it. And since then she had read it a hundred times over.

She breathed a heavy sigh and returned to the bathroom, finally picking up a makeup brush, and watching in the mirror as her face gradually transformed from dull and tired looking, to bright and awake. She practiced her smile, trying to make it look convincing even though her insides felt like they were being torn apart.

Louis and Cara were due to be there in only a few minutes, so she discarded the bathrobe she was wearing and slipped into her dress. The front of the skirt hit just below mid thigh, while the back of the sheer print fell around mid calf. She slid her feet into a pair of short, black moto boots. She had wanted to go with a pair of heels, but Lexie argued that it just wasn't her style, and she easily gave in to her friend's logic.

She grabbed the graduation robe from the door and the purse she was taking from her closet and headed downstairs. The doorbell rang moments later and she rushed over to answer. For possibly the first time Louis' life he was on time and she was grateful. Cara barely waited for the door to swing open before she was pushing her way in and wrapping Reilly in a hug, gushing about how beautiful she looked and how proud she was. Louis followed suit, pulling Reilly to him and kissing her cheek.

When he released her, she looked up at him. There were tears in his eyes. Her eyebrows pulled together in concern but he only shook his head at her. "I don't have the words to explain how I'm feeling. I don't know what I expected when this day came. You've worked so hard and fought through so much to get here that 'proud' doesn't even begin to describe what I feel. I'm just so happy I know you and that I've gotten to watch you grow the last few years. You deserve this and all the good things that are going to come to you from the this day forward more than anyone else I've ever met, and as you well know, that's a lot of people." He paused and she gave a small laugh. Her heart had swelled at his words. "You are so beautiful, and you are one of the strongest people I've ever known, and you deserve this. You really, really deserve this," he finished.

Now her own eyes were full of tears as she pushed his arms away from his sides and wrapped hers around his waist. "Thank you, Louis," she sniffled. "I love you. I don't know what I'd do without you."

He grinned and kissed the top of head, giving her a squeeze. "I love you with my whole heart, one hundred percent, no matter what, for always," he told her.

She felt another hand on her back and pulled out of the embrace. Cara slid her arm across Reilly's shoulder and Reilly let one of her arms encircle the taller girl's waist. "Same goes for me," Cara said to her. Reilly couldn't help the smile that pulled at the corner of her mouth, or the tear that slipped from her eye and down her cheek.

"Thanks for making my makeup run, you guys," she joked. Even if her thoughts and her insides were a jumbled mess, she knew without a doubt that she had the greatest friends she or anyone could ever ask for.

Cara giggled and handed her a tissue. Reilly carefully blotted at the moisture on her cheek and then accepted the mirror the other girl had also produced. She quickly checked her face and then snapped the mirror closed and gave it back to Cara. And with that, the three of them were on their way.

***

The empty auditorium looked so big that imagining it filled with people, some she knew and some she didn't, was making Reilly's stomach turn. She had never liked being the center of attention and was now questioning herself about why she had agreed to speak at this ceremony. Her phone buzzed in her purse and she quickly fished it out.

I know you are likely doubting yourself right about now but you can do this. I believe in you.

Reilly drew in a deep breath and let a smile cross her face as she read Liam's text message. For five years he had always known the right thing to say when she needed it most. Her phone buzzed again as a picture of Liam making the most ridiculous face populated in her messages. She let out an audible laugh and let the screen on her phone go black. Her nerves had suddenly calmed immensely, and maybe Liam was right. Maybe she could do this.

She took one more look around the room and tried to imagine where her friends and family would be sitting. They were right outside waiting for the doors to open, but so were the family members of several other people. Maybe it didn't matter, though. Maybe they would all sit together in a row or maybe they would be spread out all over the room. Either way, from the stage she had the perfect view of each and every seat in the room, and as long as she could find any one of them, maybe she would be okay, and maybe the room wouldn't seem quite so big.

With that thought, she walked to the side of the stage and out the side door to join her classmates. Familiar faces and unfamiliar faces alike filled the room when she walked into it. People she'd had several classes with waved at her, a few beckoned her to join them, and she did so without second thought. While she hadn't become close with any of them, she was friendly with some and it was finally hitting her that there was a chance she wouldn't ever see them again after tonight.

The next hour was a complete blur and the next thing she knew she walking back to the auditorium, taking a seat between a girl from her German classes a girl from some of her Psychology classes. And then her name was being called to make her speech. She stood up and heard a few cheers from seats behind her. A smile pulled across her face and her heart pounded happily inside her chest as she walked up the steps to the stage and took her place behind the podium.

"Wow. This is a big day, isn't it?" she began. "I'm going to try to keep this brief so I don't put everyone to sleep," she said. Laughter filled the room and she quickly scanned the audience. Her eyes landed on Harry first and he nodded at her when their eyes met, successfully calming her nerves that much more.

She drew in a breath and glanced down at her speech in front of her. She had gone over it so many times that she knew it practically by heart. But having the words in front of her gave her that extra bit of reassurance she needed.

"This day has been a long time coming. I spent my entire high school career preparing for the day I could say I was a university graduate. And now, here we are. I think we're all wondering what comes next, even those of us who have their next venture lined up. Up until now there has been a sense of certainty to everything. We knew we were going to get up in the morning, maybe we were hungover, maybe we weren't, and we would have classes to attend and some of us had part time or even full time jobs to be at. But from here on out, things don't seem quite as certain."

Her voice sounded so big in the otherwise silent auditorium. Something else she wasn't used to. Inside her chest, her heart was beating hard against her ribcage. She tried to ignore it as she went on. "I made a big move five years ago. I left the home I'd known my entire life to be here and I started everything over." She continued while her eyes swept over the room again. Her heart was beating faster with every word she spoke.

And then, finally, he was in her line of vision. Maisie was climbing from Zachary's lap across Liam, Aimee, the Paynes, and onto Niall's lap. He kissed her face and she settled into him. After just a moment he leaned down and whispered something in her ear that made her giggle. The sight made Reilly's heart feel so big and everything around her seemed to stop.

"And maybe even more important than that are the people I've met since I've been here, and completely by accident, at that," she heard herself saying. It didn't feel real though. It didn't feel like the words were coming from her mouth because she wasn't focused on saying them. But they were. They were forming and spilling out and she wasn't even paying attention to them but she could hear every single one as she said it.

She kept going, trying to tear her eyes away from Maisie and Niall, but not a lot else seemed to matter. She hadn't expected him to come at all. But there he was, sitting with her family and holding the person who meant more to her than anyone else in the world. "Because a disposable income and a big house and a fancy car don't mean anything if you allow yourself to waste away at a soul crushing job while you neglect the people who love you. We have to always remember to make time for the people in our lives, otherwise they won't stay there for very long," she said.

Finally she managed to tear her eyes away and scanned the room once more. She found Zayn and Jasmin and Louis and Cara all seated together. Zayn and Louis were both beaming up at her with more admiration than she knew what to do with.

"I tried to push away people who wanted to get to know me because I thought that I would find the answers I was looking for in textbooks and lecture halls. But as I'm sure you can guess, I found more answers in the love and support of people who were looking for nothing but friendship from me in return."

She kept her speech going. Even with all the millions of other thoughts running through her head, she felt calm. Even with her insides tearing, she felt at peace. There were people scattered throughout the room who loved her, who she loved in return, who she couldn't imagine her life without, and she felt like she belonged with them. She felt like she mattered to them.

"I know that not everyone has the next step figured out, and that's okay too, because there are thousands of options out there for all of us to choose from. The first choice we make won't always be the right one, but the thing about life is that we get second and third and sometimes fourth chances to make things right. My wish for all of us is that whatever we go on to do, we do it completely, with clear eyes and a full heart, because in that, there is no losing."

Applause erupted through the room. There were cheers and a loud whistle, and as her eyes swept the room one more time they fell on Maisie. She was standing on Niall's lap clapping as hard as she could with a big smile on her face. Niall had one arm around her to keep her from falling and was hitting his leg with his free hand in lieu of clapping. Liam had stood up and was smiling from ear to ear. When her gaze shifted to him, he gave her an enthusiastic thumbs up, which elicited a laugh from her.

Harry whistled again for her as she thanked everyone and then wished her class good luck. Sending out one final smile, she stepped away from the podium and returned to her seat. The classmates she was sandwiched between both stood and hugged her before she sat down, each saying how much the enjoyed her speech. Before that moment she had no idea that any one she went to school with would be comfortable hugging her, and it made her wonder if maybe she didn't have a grasp on what people thought or felt toward her.

The rest of the ceremony flew by and before she knew it, she had walked across the stage. She had taken pictures with her classmates and exchanged phone numbers and promises to keep in touch, though she didn't know how much weight there actually was to those promises. She invited a few people to go out with her and her family and friends later that evening.

And then she was looking right at Owen. Without thinking about it, she walked over to him. And when she reached him, she leaned up for a kiss. Because even though she was hurt by him and she was angry with him, it meant something that he had shown up. And even more than that, she was glad he had come. His hand slid across her back as their lips met.

"Hi," she said as she settled back onto her heels.

"Hello," he said. He looked nervous, unsure. "That was a really nice speech you gave," he said.

She smiled at him but it didn't reach up to her eyes. Instead they held confusion at his formality. "Thank you," she said. "And thank you for still coming," she went on. "I didn't know if I should expect you with everything we've been going through recently," she said.

"Well," he started, and let out a small sigh, "I'm on the staff, you know?"

Her heart fell as his words sunk in. "Oh," she said. She could feel the tears rushing to her eyes but she willed them to stop before they fell. "Right. Of course," she said. Suddenly she felt very awkward, and a little stupid.

"Right," he echoed. They stood in silence for a several beats before he finally spoke again. "Did you mean it?" he asked.

She met his gaze and gave her head a little shake. "Did I mean what?" she asked.

"Your speech," he said. "Did you mean it?" he repeated.

It was a strange question to ask, but she nodded anyway. "Of course I meant it. Every word of it," she told him. She had no idea what he was playing at, but the sinking feeling in her stomach told her it wasn't anything good.

He gave a curt nod. "Well," he began, suddenly unable to meet her gaze. "I don't know what to say then." She quirked an eyebrow at him. "Maybe what you meant when you said that we needed to both think about if this is what we really want, is that this isn't what you want."

"Owen," she cut him off. Tears were rushing to her eyes again and she didn't know if she could stop them this time. "I," she paused. "Can we not do this right now? This is not how I want to remember today," she told him.

He laughed dryly. "Then how would you like to remember it?" he inquired. His tone wasn't malicious, and his demeanor was calm. He seemed as though he had given a lot of thought to what he was doing. "Would you prefer to remember it as a day that you were in a fight with your fiance, on the verge of things getting called off? But instead you waited a day or two, or a week to do it?" he asked. She shook her head but he didn't give her a chance to speak. "How much better would that really be?"

All Reilly could do was shrug. "I'm sorry, Owen," she said after a long silence. "It's been so easy up until now. But now there's so much happening. And it's not easy. I didn't want to give up just because it's not easy, though," she told him.

He nodded and offered her a sad smile. "I know, Love," he said. "But just because something is easy doesn't mean it's right," he went on. "You made a good point about your ring, and it got the wheels in my brain turning. If I don't know you well enough to get you the right ring, then what else don't I know? There are levels we don't connect on, and I think if we drag this out any longer we're both going to end up resenting each other," he said.

Reilly could feel her heart breaking inside her chest. But at the same time she felt a weight lift off her shoulders. He was right, and she knew he was right. "I don't want to resent you," she told him as a tear slipped down her cheek. She looked around quickly and then met his gaze. "Can I just..." she trailed off as another tear fell, and then another, and another. She gave a shrug and opened her arms a little.

"Of course," he said. He took a step toward her and wrapped her in a hug. There was something heartbreaking about not feeling like she didn't want to leave the arms she thought she would spend the rest of her life in. After a moment she pulled back slightly and stretched up to give him one last kiss. She settled back into his embrace and he breathed out a soft sigh. "I love you, Reilly," he told her and kissed the side of her head.

She nodded as she let her arms fall from around him. "I know. And I love you, Owen," she said.

He nodded and let his hand slide down her arm to her hand. He gave it a little squeeze and then leaned forward and placed a kiss on her forehead. She closed her eyes and tried to savor the bittersweetness of the moment. That the most attention he'd paid to her in a month was when he was saying goodbye. "I'll see you," he said and then released his hold on her hand.

She gave yet another nod. It was all she could do. If she spoke she would lose it completely. And so she remained silent as she wiped away the tears that were falling down her cheeks and watched as he turned to walk away. She watched him and waited for him to turn around but he kept walking until he was out the door without so much as another glance over his shoulder. Her own words echoed in her head: you're getting really good at walking away from me.

Drawing in a deep breath, Reilly reached up and carefully wiped at her eyes once more. She pulled a mirror out of her purse and checked her face. Her eye makeup was smudged a little, but she fixed it with a quick swipe of her fingers, and then she let out of the breath she had been holding. She repeated the focused breathing techniques a few more times and then turned to find her family and friends.

She located them easily, as people had already begun to file out, and she made her way over to them. They greeted her with enthusiasm and showered her with affection. Everyone talked to her at once and she could barely keep up with all of them. Maisie dove at her from Niall's arms, taking precedence over everyone else, and Reilly caught her easily, wrapping her in a bear hug and holding onto her like her life depended on it. Tingles danced up her arm when Niall's hand brushed against her, and then everyone who had come to see her was closing in on her, wrapping themselves around her and around each other in a tight group hug.

And she in that very moment she couldn't feel sad. Maybe she had lost something moments ago, but what she still had filled her with a sense of belonging, and she knew she was going to be okay. Maybe not right away, but just like everything else in her life, she would get through it, and she would come out that much better for it.

Slowly everyone started to fall away from her, leaving just her and Maisie once again. She beamed at the small girl in her arms and kissed her nose. "What do you think, Little One?" she asked.

"Let's go celebrate!" Maisie exclaimed.