Collide, Ignite

"I don't know, I just feel a bit stupid now," Reilly said, picking up a french fry and then dropping it back on to her plate.

Lexie reached across the table and picked up the fry that had just fallen from Reilly's hand. "But why?" she asked. She bit the french fry and tried to catch her friend's gaze. "Why would telling someone--Niall specifically--how you feel make you feel stupid?"

Reilly shrugged, letting her shoulders drop with a heavy sigh. "Because what if he doesn't have feelings for me anymore? Or what if he thinks I didn't know what I was saying? Or what if he didn't even hear me? Maybe he had already fallen asleep when I said it," she said. "I just don't know, Lexie. We've talked a few times since then and he hasn't said anything about it. And what am I supposed to do? Ask him if he heard what I said? And what he thinks about it?" Lexie gave a one shouldered shrug as though to suggest it might not be the worst idea but Reilly shook her head. "No. I can't. It was stupid. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh, come on, Rei. It wasn't stupid. It was actually really brave," Lexie argued. "You've been keeping that inside for a long time." Reilly sighed again, her head swinging slowly left to right and then back to the left again. "Maybe he's waiting until he sees you to say something. So you can, you know, talk about it in person," Lexie suggested.

Reilly rolled her eyes. "My psychologist said the same thing," she mumbled as she dropped another fry she had picked up but then not chose to eat.

Lexie rolled her eyes right back. "Well, maybe she and I are on to something." She shrugged. "I mean, obviously neither of us know for sure. Only Niall knows what's going on in that little leprechaun brain of his." Reilly couldn't help but chuckle. "But if I were you I would definitely stop overthinking it. All you're going to do is drive yourself insane."

Reilly nodded but didn't say anything. Asking her to not overthink something was like asking someone not to breathe. No matter how much she wanted to, it had become involuntary.

"When are you seeing him?" Lexie asked. "Is he back?"

It was Friday. Almost an entire week had passed since she and Niall had spent hours upon hours talking via phone, text, and Skype. Almost an entire week since she confessed to thinking she was in love with him. Almost an entire week of dwelling on how he hadn't said anything in response any time they spoke. There was one tiny ray of hope she was doing her best to hold onto, and that was that she had not been met with radio silence afterward.

Still, she frowned as she nodded. "He got back late Wednesday night. We had agreed to get lunch when he came back, but when we talked Tuesday he said he wouldn't be available Thursday for lunch but asked if I wanted to meet for dinner. I told him that it would have be a little on the later side because I had the appointment with my psychologist." She sighed heavily. "He didn't seem very keen on the idea of seeing me then, I guess because who wants to be out with a crazy person right after they've spent an hour talking about their crazy."

"You're not crazy," Lexie interjected.

Reilly ignored her and kept on. "So, I suggested lunch Friday, today, but he shot that down by saying he was busy," she said.

"Probably recording," Lexie said. "He does have a job, you know."

Reilly shot her friend a glare, which Lexie accepted with a wide grin. "And then we finally were able to agree on getting dinner tonight." She practically threw down the french fry she had picked up only moments before. Lexie fixed her gaze on her friend's face with raised eyebrows. "What?" Reilly demanded.

"What are you upset about? It sounds like you're going on a date," Lexie said.

"It's not a date," Reilly responded quickly, defensively.

Lexie's eyebrows raised even higher. "Do you even realize what you're doing?" she asked. Her voice was quiet but her tone had a harshness to it that caught Reilly by surprise and only made her frustration grow. "You told him you're in love with him."

"I said I think I'm in love with him," Reilly interrupted.

"Same thing," she shot back. "You told him you're in love with him," she repeated. "And then you try to make friendly plans with him. You asked him to lunch."

Reilly shook her head. "Technically, I asked him to lunch before I said the other thing," she argued.

Lexie's eyes rolled upward and she closed her eyes. "Oh my god, Reilly, shut up and let me talk," she said. Her eyes remained closed for a few seconds and then she opened them and glanced across the table. Reilly was essentially pouting, but more in the annoyed sense than the upset sense. "When he changed his mind about dinner last night, I highly doubt it's because he thinks you're crazy. It's more likely because he's giving you time to process whatever you talked to your psychologist about," she said. "As much as I like to give him a hard time, he's not stupid. And he knows you better than you think he does." Reilly sighed but Lexie didn't her a chance to speak.

"Let me finish," she insisted. "So, he does that, and then immediately afterward you suggest lunch. Lunch is a much more platonic outing than, say, dinner." Reilly opened her mouth to object but Lexie held up a hand to stop her. "Okay, not always. But look where we are. Lunch. When you go out with Harry or Louis, what time of day is it usually? Lunch time, generally. How often to do you go to dinner with just one of the boys? Not often, right?" Reilly sighed. Lexie had a point, but she wasn't quite sure what exactly she was trying to get at.

"But Niall and I are friends," she reminded Lexie.

She nodded. "Yes, you are," Lexie agreed. "But you just told him you think you're in love with him. You've been obsessing that he hasn't responded, when in fact, he has. But then, at the same time, it's like you're trying to keep things platonic."

Reilly threw her hands in the air as her frustration got the better of her. "That's because I don't know what he wants. He won't talk to me about it."

Lexie could only laugh. "He wants what he's always wanted," she said. Reilly quirked an eyebrow, waiting for her to explain. Lexie waited for it click before finally rolling her eyes when Reilly's face failed to register understanding. "You," she said after a long pause.

But it didn't matter how many times or in what language anyone said it, Reilly was too far in the vortex of her mind to really even hear what her friend was saying. She let her eyes roll as she reached for her purse to retrieve her wallet.

"I got lunch," Lexie said, pulling money out of her own wallet. "Save your cash for your not date tonight." Reilly rolled her eyes again but she didn't argue. Instead she just dropped her wallet back into her purse and pushed her chair away from the table.

For the rest of the day, as it had done for the entirety of the week, Reilly's mind swam with thoughts of the things she had talked with Lexie about at lunch every free second. Because of this, she did her best to keep herself completely busy while she was at work. But the drive home followed by the time she spent getting ready to go out was filled with her feeling stupid and thoughts out how wrong everything was probably going to go.

Her heart began to race before he rang the door bell. Originally they had planned to meet at the restaurant, but Niall had sent her a text just before she was getting ready to leave work that said he would pick her up instead. Now, her nerves were completely frazzled. Her breath caught in her throat and she had to force her feet to move one in front of the other.

He greeted her with a smile when she finally answered the door, and looked relaxed, refreshed. Spending time at home in Ireland, no matter how short of a visit it was, always seemed to do that to him. It was something she'd noticed even in the time they spent not talking. She could always tell just by his demeanor when he'd been home. And it was nice, she thought, that he had a place to go that did that for him.

"Hi," she breathed out after a moment, taking in his black jeans and black button down shirt. His blue eyes grew brighter as his smile stretched wider across his face, making the butterflies in her stomach take flight. He looked good.

"Hiya, Darlin'," he said cheerfully. "Ya ready to go or d'you need a few more minutes?" he asked.

She looked down quickly at her own black skinny jeans and tunic length tan sweater with sleeves long enough to swallow almost her entire hand. Maybe it was the button down shirt that was a little out of the ordinary or the fact that he looked so good, but she felt either under dressed or under prepared. "I," she began. "Do I look alright?" she asked and quickly gave herself a mental kick. She wasn't trying to fish for compliments, only convey that she wasn't sure she was properly dressed. "Should I go change, I mean," she clarified.

Niall let a out a quiet chuckle and shook his head. "You look beautiful. Absolutely stunnin'," he told her. Her cheeks immediately tinted pink and she ducked her head in an attempt to keep him from seeing. Whether he did or not didn't matter. He knew. He always knew. She tucked her hair behind her ear and stepped back to grab her purse from the table behind the door. "Can't believe you still do that when someone says something nice to you," he observed, succeeding in making her blush more deeply.

She pulled the door shut behind her and followed him to the car. He'd left the Range Rover at home and instead had come in a car Reilly didn't recognize as his; a silver Audi A7. A grin stretched across his face when he saw her eyeing the vehicle. "Bought it awhile ago but don't drive it much," he explained. She simply nodded and walked around to the passenger side to get in.

"So, I was thinkin'," he said once they were both inside the car. "Do you fancy a bit of drive?" he asked. She gave him a questioning glance and once again his smile stretched further than she ever thought it could. "Was thinkin' we could get dinner away from the city. Go some place with a bit of a different atmosphere."

"Sure," she replied with a shrug. Her heart was racing faster than it had been before and she didn't know why. She didn't know why she felt so unsure of everything Niall was saying and doing, and all she wanted to do was be as relaxed as he was. But her mind was still swimming with questions about what he was thinking and if he'd heard her and was ever going to respond.

He was quiet as he put the car in gear, remaining silent as he drove down the street. The music coming from the car's speakers was so low that Reilly could barely hear it, and it seemed that Niall was going to make no move to adjust the volume. She tried to think of something to say. Something about her day or something about the world or something that would take her thoughts off what she'd said to him a week ago but her mind kept coming back to that.

After nearly ten minutes of silence, she couldn't take it anymore. "Is this a date?" she blurted out. Niall turned to look at her for a moment with a look of confusion mixed with amusement on his face, and then quickly turned his eyes back to the road. She could feel her cheeks get hot and knew they were turning red again, and she was hating herself for being so uncomfortable. "I just mean, it's just," she stumbled over her words, trying to make sense of her thoughts. "Lexie said tonight sounded like a date. I told her it wasn't. I told her we're just friends. Just hanging out. I mean, right?" she asked. It felt like the words were just pouring out in whatever order they felt like, in a way that didn't need to make sense.

The silence fell between them for a moment before Niall chuckled. "Lexie is a good friend to you, I know she is. But, damn it if the things about her that drive me up the wall aren't the same things about Louis that make me want to push him into a lake," he said.

Reilly giggled. She couldn't help it because she knew exactly what he meant and often felt the same. "Tell me about it," she said. "Sometimes I still can't believe how alike those two are. But I guess it makes sense, you know..." She let her thought dangle, not really sure how to finish it. Niall seemed to understand anyway; he was nodding.

He let the car fall quiet, except for the very quiet sounds coming from the stereo, before answering the question she asked. "What this is," he began, "is two people spending time together, going to eat some food in each other's presence. If that's a date, then I guess that's what this is. However, I've not properly asked you on a date, and therefore I'm inclined to say no, this is not a date," he finished.

A sigh released from deep inside Reilly, and she wasn't sure if it was one of relief or of disappointment. It was less pressure that they were just hanging out, but it also meant that he still was not acknowledging what she'd said. Even if he didn't have feelings for her anymore, she thought she would feel so much better if he just told her.

"Now, that being said," he went on, turning to glance at her for just a moment. "I've got two different ideas for where we can go tonight. One is an Irish pub. Music, good food, great beer, and likely full of people. No guarantee on gettin' a table." He paused. "And the other is an Italian restaurant. Bit quieter, still good food," he said. "Just didn't know what you were in the mood for tonight."

Reilly thought carefully, but quickly. On the one hand, a beer would help to calm her nerves but she wasn't sure, with her recent track record, if drinking and being out with Niall was a good combination, especially considering all that was on her mind. Plus, she was holding out hope that her psychologist and Lexie were right, that Niall wanted to discuss her confession in person.

"Italian sounds good," she said in her best attempt at being casual about her decision, but without sounding disinterested.

A smile split his face yet again. "Couldn't agree with you more, Darlin'," he said. The statement caught Reilly slightly by surprise. She was sure that having just been in Ireland, he would have preferred to be in a more Irish setting, but he looked genuinely happy about her choice.

He reached over and turned up the volume on the stereo a little, so they could actually hear the music, but even then didn't let the conversation die down. "Family said they'd love to see you again," he said casually. Reilly raised an eyebrow but wasn't sure how to respond. She had never spent a lot of time with Niall's family, only having met his father and brother once five years ago, and then meeting a lot more of his family at Christmas. "They found you quiet lovely at Christmas," he went on with a shrug. "Least that's what they all told me repeatedly this last week."

Reilly had to bite at the inside of her cheek to keep a smile from lighting up her entire face. And then, very quickly, she felt a wave of great sadness as the thought of everything she and Niall had been through swept through her mind. "Do they know?" She paused for a brief moment and bit her lip. "Everything?" she asked.

He shrugged again, letting his hand slide off the steering wheel and rest on the gear shifter. "Some of them know enough. Doesn't mean they like you any less," he told her.

Reilly's mouth formed an O shape but no sound came out. She looked down at where his hand was and fought the urge to reach over and let her own rest on top of it. At some point in the last several minutes she had stopped feeling uncomfortable and started feeling more like she was accustomed to around Niall. She cleared her thoat.

"So, it was good, then?" she asked. "Going home?" she clarified.

He gave a quick nod. "Can't think of a time when goin' home hasn't been good," he said. Reilly almost reminded him of how she had shown up unannounced and rather unwanted on his door step on Christmas morning but had the sense to stop herself before she made things uncomfortable again. After all, he may not have wanted her there in the first place but she ended up leaving on an okay note.

The conversation kept a comfortable pace for the rest of the drive. The longer Niall kept his hand on the gear shifter, the stronger Reilly felt the urge to touch his skin. But she fought it for the entire drive, keeping her hands clasped together in her lap. She didn't know exactly where they stood, and couldn't bring herself to make a bigger fool of her self than she possibly already had.

Something changed when Niall parked the car. They walked side by side to the restaurant and Niall had his hands stuffed in his pockets while Reilly kept her arms wrapped around her middle. But then he held the door open for her, and let his hand rest on the small of her back as he guided her inside. Neither said anything while they looked over the menu, but once they had ordered, Niall fixed her with an intentional gaze.

"What happened with you and Owen?" he asked. The question caught Reilly by surprise, though maybe it shouldn't have. All she'd told him was that it was over, and she'd done so without words. Maybe she should have had an inkling that eventually he would want to know.

She let out a heavy sigh followed by a shrug. "I think it started when I decided I wanted to have you actively in my life," she said. She had discussed it at length with her psychologist, trying to come to the understanding that everyone else had been so adamant about- that she had not failed. "And then I don't think I made it any better when I told him that you were, essentially, non-negotiable."

Whether he was trying to or not, Reilly didn't know, but it was obvious that it was impossible for Niall to conceal his surprise at her admission. "You said that?" he asked. Reilly nodded. His eyebrows raised even higher. "So, it's because of me then?" he inquired. "My fault?"

Reilly shook her head slowly. "No, not your fault," she said and then shrugged. "It was indirectly because of you, I suppose." She paused and let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding. "It was because of me. And because of Owen. It was because no matter how hard I tried, he and I just weren't right for each other," she said. "Could we have made the relationship work? Yes, I'm sure we could have. But, I think, no matter how much either of us said we were both all in, neither of us were. We ignored all the ways we didn't connect until we couldn't anymore. And even though I kept saying that I wanted to try, I don't think I really meant it. I just didn't want to feel like I'd failed."

It was like a light bulb went on as she was talking and she realized, as she carefully spoke the words to Niall, what she hadn't been able to realize when she'd been talking Lexie, or Harry, or Liam, or her parents, or her psychologist. They were briefly interrupted when their server brought their food to the table, but as soon as he was gone, Reilly picked up where she'd left off. "But in reality I think I was failing myself. I was burying things I loved deep inside myself for the sake of trying to keep a relationship together. A relationship that was based almost solely on the challenge he presented to me intellectually. I buried some really good parts of myself for three years. And it took Maisie to show me that I should allow myself than just that challenge," she said.

Niall smirked. "Maisie, huh?" he said. "That little girl is really something else, isn't she?"

Reilly nodded. "She really is," she agreed and then gave a shrug. "And, so, I guess Owen saw all of that, and he saw you as a threat, and he removed himself from the equation right after my graduation ceremony," she told him. "Or, that's when he told me, anyway." And for the first time, saying the words out loud didn't hurt. For the first time, it was just a fact. It was just a thing that happened.

"At your graduation?" he asked, his eyes snapping to hers and locking on them. "That was near-"

"Six weeks ago," she finished for him. "Yeah."

An expression of deep thought clouded Niall's face and he was silent for a long a moment before he formed words again. "So," he started. "When you came to my house three weeks ago, it wasn't new?" he asked. Reilly shook her head slowly, and allowed him time to process what she was telling him. "It was already definitely over?" he asked and she nodded. "Why didn't you tell me then?" he inquired.

"I wasn't in a good place," was all she could think to say.

Niall sucked in a breath and moved on after a moment. "You said you think there's different ways to love people," he said, and Reilly nodded. "And you said that it's not as simple as if you love me or not." Reilly's breath caught in her throat, suddenly terrified of what he might say next, but she nodded anyway. "Do you still feel that way?" he asked.

Reilly poked at her food with her fork and let out a soft sigh. "Which part?" she asked.

"Both," he said with a shrug.

"Well." She set down her fork. "I absolutely think there's different ways to love people. For instance, I love Lexie differently than I love Harry, differently than I love Louis," she said.

Niall also set down his fork and locked his eyes on hers. "Differently than you love me?" he asked. Reilly pursed her lips together and gave a slow nod. The corner of his mouth twitched but neither turned up into a smile nor down into a frown. "And the other part?" he asked.

"I," she started and then paused. She sucked in a slow breath and then let it out before starting again. "I don't know," she told him honestly. "I would like to say that I think it could be simple now that I've said what I said, but I just," she sighed, "don't know."

"And what was it you said?" he asked her. The way he said it she knew that he'd heard her on the phone the week before. He watched her carefully as she bit the inside of her lip. "Can you say it again? It's not late at night and you're not fallin' alseep, you're not in safety of a dark room at your parents' house, with me in a different country. I'm sittin' here, across the table, lookin' right at you," he said, giving her definite confirmation that he'd heard the words she'd uttered into the phone.

Her heart raced faster than before and she could feel her hands starting to shake. She tucked them into her lap underneath the table so he wouldn't see. The butterflies in her stomach came to life once again. There he was. Just like he'd said. Sitting right across the table from her. And she hadn't realized it but she had been trying to avoid his gaze. Once she stopped, letting her green eyes focus on his blue ones, she felt a little less anxious.

There he was. Just like he'd said.

"I said," she began, keeping her eyes on his. He gave a nod for her to go on. "I think I'm in love with you," she said. Her voice was not as shaky as she thought it might be. In fact, it had come out strong, and sure of the words it was speaking.

His mouth twitched, this time into a slight smile. "You think," he asked, "or you know?"

Her heart dropped into her stomach and a feeling of dread filled her. She didn't know if she knew for sure. How could she if she'd never been in love with someone before, and therefore had nothing to compare it to. If she answered him wrong, would that be it? Would this be the last straw, the time he finally gave up on her for good?

For all the things Reilly had spent recent years learning about the brain, she knew next to nothing about matters of the heart. The only way she knew to answer him was honestly, and hope that would be enough for him.

"I think I'm in love with you," she repeated, but didn't leave it at that this time. "How can anyone know for sure?" she asked him.

Niall cocked his head slightly to the side. Reilly waited for his hint of a smile to dissipate, but instead it grew. "That's a valid question," he said, and gave a shrug. "I guess you can't really know for sure, huh? Just have to be willing to trust what you're feeling." Their server returned to drop off their bill. At some point both had managed to mostly clear their plates and they allowed the server to remove them from the table. Niall grabbed for the check before Reilly could and then reached for his wallet.

"I maintain that this was not a date, but if you don't mind I'm going to take care of this for both of us," he said, sliding his card from his wallet. Reilly merely shrugged. She didn't really know how to argue with him right then, and from how few times she'd been allowed to pay for things when she was with any of the boys, was not surprised in the least at the offer.

In the car on the way back to her house they kept the conversation lighter. Niall told stories of his trip home that had Reilly laughing so hard her sides ached by the time he pulled up to her house. He immediately turned off the car and pushed open his door to get out. Reilly followed suit and they walked together to her front porch. She reached inside her purse for her keys but stopped to look up when she felt Niall's eyes on her.

"Let me tell you what I do know," he said when he had her attention. His voice was low, like he didn't want anyone but her to hear what he was going to say. "I saw you in the pub the night we brought you home. Saw you in there before we saw you outside. I could see you were drinkin' too much and I tried not to watch you but I couldn't help myself. You were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen," he told her. "So beautiful, but so sad," he went on. "Don't think I'll ever be able to forget how sad you looked that night. And I don't know if you felt me lookin' at you but at one point you looked over and our eyes connected. I got this feeling in my stomach that I don't know how to explain. Maybe like a million butterflies were flying around inside, crashing into each other and crashing into all the things inside me." Reilly's eyebrows raised but she didn't say anything.

"And then the first time we touched," he reached out and took hold of her hand, gently. Sparks of electricity shot through Reilly's fingers, to her hand, and up her arm, leaving a tingling sensation in their wake and spreading a warmth throughout her entire body. "I thought I'd been electrocuted. My skin was tingling for ten minutes and heart was beating so hard I was sure everyone could hear it pounding against my chest. And from that moment on, all it took was just a simple thought of you to get my blood pumping hard and the butterflies goin' in my stomach," he told her. She opened her mouth to say something, though she didn't know what. But it was okay because he didn't let her speak.

"I still feel that, Reilly. Every time I think of you. Every time I'm near you. Every time we touch, on accident or on purpose." He moved his hand to interlock their fingers. "Right now. Do you feel that?" he asked. A lump had formed in Reilly's throat and she swallowed hard, giving him a nod. She finally had the answer to the question she'd wondered years ago, and then again more recently. He felt it too. "I like it. I don't want to lose it," he told her. "That's what I know."

Reilly nodded again, but she couldn't get rid of the lump, and therefore was unable to speak. She stared up at him for a long time, feeling the tears welling up in her eyes. She didn't know what kind of tears they were. She didn't understand them. And she didn't know how to fight them. But since they were getting ready to fall, she figured she might as well speak, no matter how strangled it came out.

"Do you want to come inside?" she asked him. The words came out very choked, but he heard and understood them nonetheless.

"Yes," he said, untangling his fingers from hers and reaching up to wipe away her tears with the pad of his thumb. "I want that very much," he told her. "But I'm not going to." Her heart dropped as his words found her ears. "I'm going to say goodnight and go home. But I'll see you Sunday for my video chat with Maisie." Reilly nodded and squeezed her eyes shut. More tears leaked through her closed lids.

Niall took the keys from her hand and unlocked her door, giving it a little push. Her eyes were still screwed shut when he turned back to her. He leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "Go on," he said quietly. She nodded again and opened her eyes as she turned and stepped into her house. "Goodnight," he said.

"Goodnight," she echoed. "Text me when you get home."