Collide, Ignite

The only thing Reilly didn't consider when she invited Niall to join her at her parents' house for the weekend was sleeping arrangements. No one would have batted an eye if they'd both slept in her room, but given the conversation they'd had previously about sharing a bed it wasn't an option for them. So, when people started to retire Friday night, Reilly offered her room to Niall, suggesting since she was one of the earliest risers that she would sleep on the couch. But Niall, being Niall, refused and insisted he take the sofa and she sleep in her room.

It felt rude to have invited him along and then make him sleep on the couch, but no matter how much she tried to plead her case he wouldn't hear it. It was sweet on his part, which Reilly recognized, but that didn't stop her from being slightly frustrated by his refusal. Still, she knew him well enough to know that he wouldn't budge on the issue at hand and eventually gave up and went to her room.

As it turned out, Friday was the only night it had mattered, because Saturday morning at breakfast (that Reilly's mum had cooked despite great protest from her children) Mr. Payne announced that they would all be going to Birmingham. And after a day filled with fun outdoor activities that seemed to be over too soon, they all checked into a hotel.

Liam and Niall insisted on making sure everyone was well taken care of and spared no expense in doing so. Niall even booked separate rooms for him and Reilly so that Reilly had her own space when the man behind the desk assumed they were a couple. In truth, she wouldn't have minded if he'd only gotten one room for the two of them, but at the same time she fully understood why he didn't.

Sunday was a more leisurely day. Everyone broke off into pairs and went their own ways around Birmingham. Since Niall and Reilly had ridden with Liam and Aimee to Birmingham, they set out on foot and spent the day exploring the small city. They started in the late morning at the Museum and Art Gallery and then found a small cafe for lunch. After eating they wandered through a park and happened upon a jazz band playing a free concert.

They stopped to listen and after only a few moments of standing just at the edge of the small crowd, Niall grabbed Reilly's hand to dance with her. It surprised her at first, but she didn't resist. And though neither had planned on it when they first wandered over, they stayed until the band finished, and danced the whole time. Reilly noted during the more uptempo songs that it seemed Niall had been practicing dance techniques. His movement was much more fluid than Reilly remembered it being previously.

The small crowd began to disburse and so Reilly and Niall resumed their walk, neither really having any idea where they were going. They ended up at the Library of Birmingham, a huge building where they ended up spending a large portion of the afternoon (which Reilly apologized profusely for when she realized just how long she'd been browsing the shelves and reading snippets of books, making notes in her phone so she would remember titles and authors). Niall, of course, only beamed at the look of joy on her face as she gushed about incredible the library was as they resumed their stroll through the city.

It wasn't until they walked into a busy indoor market that Niall took Reilly's hand in his own. Whether it was because he didn't want to be separated from her, or because it was crowded enough that they wouldn't be noticed they same way they would outside in the open, or for some other reason entirely, Reilly didn't know. But she didn't question it either and instead reveled in the tingling of her skin against his, the sensation that had been lost on her when they danced earlier, as dancing did something all its own to her heart and mind and soul. She had no control over the smile that played at her lips as they went from vendor to vendor, looking at all they had to offer and even making a few purchases. The whole time she couldn't stop thinking how lucky she was to have someone in her life who made her feel such wonderful things; things she never would have imagined in her teenage years she was capable of feeling.

When they left the market it was that time of afternoon where it's still light out but it's muted. And that was when she got a text from Liam letting her know everyone was beginning to head back to Wolverhampton and asking where they were. She responded quickly with their location and then tugged gently on Niall's hand to walk with her until she found a bench for them to sit on while they waited. But Liam and Aimee must have been nearby because they were only sitting for a few minutes when Reilly glimpsed his sleek silver car down the street. She immediately let go of Niall's hand which caused him to stop talking mid-sentence and fix her with a confused look as she slipped her hands between her knees.

Niall spent the first ten minutes of the drive trying to recapture her hand in his own, but she kept coming up with new ways to move them from his reach. Underneath her leg, folded in her lap or across her chest, and at one point she even turned her whole body away from him to gesture at something outside the car.

Finally annoyed with his attempts failing, he leaned over and spoke low into her ear. "What're ya so afraid of?" he inquired. His tone was neither malicious nor accusatory, but filled with genuine curiosity.

She stared at him as the blush spread from the bridge of her nose and along the freckles on her cheeks, unable to find her voice or an answer. He grinned in return and let his lips gently brush against her warm face and then shifted as he dropped down and rested his head in her lap, taking away most her hiding places for her hands. His own warm cheek pressed against her stomach and he felt her breathe out a sigh just before her fingers found their way into his hair. He reached up and slipped his fingers in the spaces between hers on her free hand.

Only moments later Liam must have glanced in the rearview mirror at them. "Hands where I can see them, please," he quipped. Pink once again tinted Reilly's cheeks but Niall simply raised their interlocked fingers in the air while also lifting his free hand beside it. "Reilly," Liam said. "I can only see one of yours." With a quick glance down Reilly shot a dirty look at Niall and then removed her fingers from his hair and lifted her hand to where her brother could see. "Thank you," he said. "As you were."

Reilly relaxed a little bit after that. Throughout dinner she didn't flinch or shy away when Niall would reach for her fingers or scoot a little closer to her or rest his hand on her knee or the small of her back. She even allowed herself to reach for him once, when he slid back in the booth next to her after using the restroom. It came naturally once she saw that her family was not somehow going to be offended by her actions.

Almost immediately upon returning to the Paynes' house, everyone retired to their rooms. Everyone except Reilly and Niall, that is. They stood just inside the hallway and Reilly was trying to decide if she, too, should go to her room. After only a few moments Niall gave a gentle tug on her hand and led her down the hall towards the family room. He instantly fell onto the couch, dropping her hand as his body hit the cushions, and kicked off his shoes.

Reilly sat on the floor next to the couch. Her feet were planted firmly on the floor, legs bent at the knees, elbow propped on the cushion near Niall's chest. She leaned her head on her closed fist and fixed her gaze on bright blue eyes of the boy front of her. "Thank you for coming. I know it wasn't about me, but it was really nice to have you here," she said quietly.

His lips split in a smile. "Happy to oblige, Darlin'. It's been loads of fun," he replied. After a moment of silence he spoke again. "Maybe I shouldn't say this, but I can't help thinkin' that this is how it should be. I..." he paused, trying to gauge the look on Reilly's face. But there was no way to see the way her heart was swelling inside of her and the way the butterflies in her stomach fluttered harder and harder with each syllable. There was no way, even in the way her dark eyes kept growing brighter and brighter, that he could see the warmth that he filled her with. He went on. "Can't imagine a better way to spend a weekend or even just a day than being with you. I know that sounds so cheesy, but I've been gettin' the feeling you need to hear me tell you that I want to spend time with you."

"No, Niall," she interrupted, but he quickly silenced her with a finger to her lips. Her first instinct was to pucker her lips against it, and she did so without thinking.

"Shh," he said, letting his hand drop back down to the cushions. It conveniently landed right next to her elbow and his fingers played with fabric of her sleeve. "I like to be around you. Always have, since the night I first met you and you threw up all over my brand new shoes."

"I knew those weren't old!" she interjected. He had told her, the morning after they met, that the shoes she'd ruined were old and needed to be replaced. Even then, not knowing him from any other person in London, she had suspected he was only saying it to keep her from feeling any worse than she already did.

Niall chuckled. "Course they weren't old, Darlin'." He shrugged. "But I wasn't concerned with it. I'd met the most intriguing girl in the world." He reached out and brushed her hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear. "A girl who gave me butterflies with just a single glance. Who sent lighting bolts through me with a simple touch. The shoes didn't matter. I just wanted to know everything about the girl who made me buzz. I still do," he told her.

She felt the blush burning her cheeks at the exact moment his smile changed to a grin. He was so sweet and she never knew what to say. So, instead of responding, she just kept her gaze locked on his and allowed the silence to settle between them for a few moments before asking, "Do you want to watch a movie?" He agreed and she got up, choosing a movie they'd both seen before.

She was just about sit in front of the couch when he caught her hand. "C'mere," he urged. She glanced down at him, confusion spreading across her face. "I want to hold you," he said. "Is that okay?" Reilly nodded and joined him on the couch, laying so her back was to his front. He pulled the blanket from the back of the sofa to cover them both, slipped one leg in between hers, and wrapped his arms around her. She settled back into him but no matter how hard she tried to watch the movie, she could only focus on trying to match her breathing to his.

The next thing she knew, it was morning. Niall's arms were still around her, but she had turned over and her face and arms were pressed against his chest. He was warm, like he always was, and comfortable. She heard rustling in the kitchen and she turned over carefully, trying her hardest not to disturb the peacefully sleeping boy. He stirred, but it wasn't until his arms were falling from her and she was standing that he groaned, his face turning from serene to disgruntled.

"Come back," he mumbled. He flailed a little, trying to grab for her, and quickly succeeded in catching her hand.

She dropped to her knees next to the couch when he tugged on her, a small, sleepy smile playing across her lips. "Shh. Go back to sleep," she said softly, pushing his hair away from his face. Her voice was graveled with sleep. He looked so peaceful, so content, so beautiful. She pushed herself up enough to gently brush her lips against his forehead. "I love you. I'll come get you when breakfast is ready."

Niall seemed to have drifted back to sleep before she even finished talking, and she was halfway down the hall on her way to the bathroom when she stopped dead in her tracks. It wasn't until that moment that she realized what had slipped from her mouth. She sucked in a breath and squeezed her eyes shut, her heart pounding inside her chest.

How had it happened? What had possessed her to utter those words. And did he hear? Or was he asleep? How was she going to explain? Would he even say anything? Surely he would. They had a two hour drive back to London later. Oh god. They had a two hour drive back to London later.

Her mind was racing so fast that she was practically in a daze. She didn't even realize until she heard her mum's voice that she was in the kitchen. Had she even gone to the bathroom? Or did her legs carry her straight here? And then out of nowhere, she felt tears on her cheeks, and simultaneously saw her mum's worried face moving closer, felt her arms wrapping around her and pulling her close. Nothing seemed real.

Mrs. Payne rubbed circles on Reilly's back soothingly, trying her best to calm her, but Reilly could only feel the panic rising inside of her. Her breathing became ragged and her pulse raced and her chest got tight and her thoughts spun around in circles in her head, swirling together and mixing with Niall's question from the night before. "What're ya so afraid of?"

She could hear, almost distantly, her mum asking what was wrong, what happened. Finally she managed to draw in a breath, though not as deeply as she would have liked. "I think I messed up," she said just barely above a whisper. "I just said 'I love you' to Niall and I think I really," she choked on nothing and gasped for a breath of air, "messed up," she finished.

"Oh, Sweetheart," Mrs. Payne said. "Angel." She stroked Reilly's hair. "My sweet, sweet, baby. How could that be wrong? How would that ruin anything?" she cooed gently.

Reilly tried to raise her shoulders but she could hardly control her muscle function and the shrug was lopsided. "I didn't know what I was saying. And we were good," she gasped out. Her lungs were still not working properly of their own accord. "We were good the way things were. And now I've," she choked again, and this time didn't bother to try to speak again.

Her mum gave her a squeeze and then guided her toward a chair to sit down. "I don't know how to talk you through the breathing like Liam does. Do you want me to wake him?" she asked.

Reilly quickly shook her head. The thought of waking Liam early to come take care of her made her stomach ache. He wouldn't complain for a second, the saint that he was, but she could do it on her own. She just needed to find a way to focus. She closed her eyes and tried to block out everything around her. She drew in a breath, expanding her lungs as much as she could and then she let it out slowly, letting her lungs deflate more than usual. She repeated the exercises a few more times and then opened her eyes. It wasn't perfect, but it was better than before.

Mrs. Payne took one of Reilly's hands in both of hers. "What are you scared of?" she asked gently.

Reilly drew in an unsteady breath. "That he's going to change his mind," she said with a shaky voice. Mrs. Payne gave a drawn out, sympathetic but disbelieving 'oh', and Reilly went on. "After awhile he's going to see how difficult it is to be with me, and how could I blame him for changing his mind then? How could I be mad at him for leaving then, just like Owen. I know how hard I am. But it's going to hurt like hell to lose Niall a second time."

The words had barely left her mouth when she felt her phone, still in her pocket from yesterday, vibrate incessantly as it received text messages. She ignored it, though.

The look on Mrs. Payne's face was pained. "Sweetheart. No one is easy. Niall knows that. He's seen you on your bad days and your good days, and he accepts both of them equally. He's going to give you space when you need it, but first he's going to hug you tight and tell you how much you mean to him. He knows you're fighting a battle with yourself. You just have to trust him, Reilly. Really, really trust that what he feels for you is strong enough to stand by you through all of it."

"But what if-"

"It's okay to be scared," her mum assured her, giving her hand a squeeze before standing to return to the stove. She put the kettle on so she could make tea. "I'm scared because I know that no matter how much love I pour into you, I will never, ever compare to your mother. No matter what I say, it will never be the same as if it was coming from her. And that's no one's fault. It just scares me that I'm not able to comfort you in the same manner I can my other children, or in the manner that your mother would have been able to," she said. "But I do my best, because it hurts me to see you hurting just as much as it does when the rest of them hurt. There's no difference there."

Reilly drew in a breath, perhaps the first truly deep one since she'd entered the kitchen. She felt both joy and sorrow at the same time. "Mum," she said quietly. Mrs. Payne turned to look at her. "My mom would have loved you. Sometimes I think she's probably watching over me and is so happy I have you, so grateful for all you do for me. And I am too. Maybe it is different, but it's also the same." She lifted her shoulders high and held them there for a moment before letting them drop. "You chose me, you know? That speaks volumes."

Mrs. Payne beamed. "You know who also chose you?" she asked. "Niall. Niall chose you. And he continues to choose you daily," she said, and then urged, "Consider that."

Silence fell on the room as Mrs. Payne turned back to the stove once again. Reilly took the opportunity to slide her phone from her pocket to check her texts.

Im not owen, the first message stated.

Im not going anywhere, read the second.

I would wait a hundred years for you, said the third.

I dont want to lose you again, was the fourth.

And just as she was about to put her phone down, a fifth message came. Please believe me

She stared at the messages until the kettle started to whistle, bringing her out of her trance-like state. With a soft sigh she backed out of the messages and turned her phone over on the table. Her heart started to ache again. Of course he wasn't Owen. She didn't mean to keep comparing the two. Everything about them was different. Niall had so much more compassion. So much more patience. So much more everything.

Moments later her thoughts were interrupted again when Mrs. Payne set a cup of tea in front of her. It was the perfect color and when she raised it to her lips after it cooled enough to drink, it had the perfect hint of sweetness. Perfectly comforting. Liam was not the only saint in the family. He had clearly learned from the best.

Over the next hour everyone slowly started waking up and making their way downstairs. Reilly, however, was still feeling rather overwhelmed, though she was trying hard to hide it, and finally slipped away to go wake Niall. He was all arms and legs stretched across the couch. She sat just on the edge of the cushion and reached out gently stroke his face before pushing his hair off his forehead.

His eyes cracked open the slightest bit and a smile pulled at his lips. "You're beautiful," he said. She jumped when his hand touched her waist, but did not resist when he pulled her to him. They laid together like they did the night before, her back to his front, but this time his arms were not loosely wrapped around her waist. They were over both her arms and crossed over her chest protectively. "'M not going anywhere," he said softly into her ear. His voice was still thick with sleep, Irish accent more prominent than usual. "I promise you. 'M goin' to stay right by your side for as long as you'll have me."

She felt the tears starting again and she gave a nod. "Okay," she whispered back him. Tears continued to fall, and when she sniffled Niall only held her closer. Occasionally he would whisper something reassuring to her. With each tear that slipped out and each breath she felt him breathe in, and each word he uttered to her she melted further into him until they might as well have been one person. And then, pressed so close against him with his arms wrapped so protectively around her, she fell asleep.

When she woke again it was afternoon. Niall had slipped out from behind her at some point, leaving her to sleep peacefully on her own. Liam was peaking into the family room. She offered him a sleepy smile and lazily gestured for him to come in.

"Everything alright?" he asked her as she pushed herself up into a sitting position. She nodded as she shifted and swung her legs over the side of the couch so he could sit next to her. "Sure? Mum said you couldn't breathe this morning but you wouldn't let her get me up. Panic attack, I'm assuming?" he said.

Reilly nodded again. A tiny smile pulled at the corner of her mouth and she leaned her head on Liam's shoulder. "Yeah. It seemed silly to bother you. I can do the breathing exercises on my own," she said.

"You are never a bother," he said and, twisting his neck to press a kiss to the side of her head. "Was it about something, the panic attack?" he asked. Reilly nodded but didn't say anything. "Don't want to talk about it?"

"Not really," she said apologetically though she knew he would understand.

And he did. "That's alright," he said. He reached for her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I actually came in here to see if you were awake yet because Aimee and I were ready to head back to London. We can stay a bit if you need me, though. The girls have already left," he said, referring to their older sisters.

Reilly squeezed his hand back and then lifted her head from his shoulder. "No, it's okay. You can go. I feel a lot better after sleeping," she said. And it was true. She didn't know if was because of the sleep or if it was because of Niall's reassurance or maybe a little bit of both, but she was feeling refreshed.

Still, Liam seemed hesitant, like there was more that he wanted to do for her. "Well, if you're sure," he said finally, pushing himself toward the edge of the cushion. Reilly nodded at him. "Alright then. Love you," he said, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

He was almost out of the room when Reilly called out. "Hey," she said. He stopped in his tracks and turned to face her. "Thanks for checking on me." He smiled widely at her and gave a nod, then disappeared out of the room and down the hall.

After a few minutes, Reilly pushed herself up off the couch and wandered through the house to find Niall sitting in the living room with her dad watching a soccer game on TV. He looked over at her as she sat next to him and leaned over to kiss her cheek as she reached for his hand. Neither said anything until Reilly looked at the time during a break in the game.

"Hey," she said quietly to him. He turned to look at her. "I have my appointment tonight," she reminded him.

A look of realization struck his face immediately. "Of course. We should probably get on the road then," he said. "Aimee packed your things while you were sleepin'. I can go get them and load the car," he said. She was about to argue, but he didn't give her the chance. "You say your goodbyes to your mum and dad."

She let out a breath through her nose and nodded. "Okay," she said. Her hand slipped from his as he stood and she watched him walk out of the room.

First she leaned over to hug her dad, who told her he only wanted her to be happy. Then, with a smile at her lips and fresh tears in her eyes, she went to find her mum. Reilly took her time, hugged Mrs. Payne for a long time, and finally wished her a happy birthday one last time. Then just as she turned to go, Niall came into the room to say goodbye.

Then they were on the road. The drive was easy. Niall drove with one hand and held Reilly's with the other. There were periods where they talked and periods where one or both sang along to the music and periods where they were both quiet. But there was something nagging at Reilly. One of the texts Niall had sent her earlier that morning kept running through her head.

"I'm sorry," she said about an hour into the drive.

Niall raised his eyebrows, but barely. "If that's about what you said this morning, or for falling asleep with me last night or this morning, or for anything that happened this whole weekend, it's not needed. You don't have anything to apologize for," he said.

Reilly drew in a breath. "I don't agree. There is something I need to apologize for," she said. He turned to look at her briefly, his face almost fearful of what might come next. She squeezed his hand in what she hoped he would take as a reassuring gesture. "And that's for comparing you to Owen. I did it a few times, and I'm sorry. I know you're not him. It's just," she paused and breathed out as evenly as she could. "He's the only relationship I've been in, so I don't have anything else to go off. But even at that, I know I shouldn't do it. And I don't mean to. It just happens."

Niall let it out a sigh. "'S alright, Darlin'," he said, but Reilly quickly shook her head.

"It's not alright. I know it bothers you," she said. "And it should! You don't deserve that. No one deserves to be compared to someone else because you can't even really compare people. There's too many variables, you know?" she said.

"Yeah," he chuckled, bringing their hands up so he could kiss hers. "What I meant was that I get it. And you're right, I don't like it. But I also know you haven't been doing it on purpose. You're noticin' things that are different. I think that's human nature," he said. "We'll get through this," he affirmed.

They fell quiet again for awhile. Conversations faded in and out and then suddenly they were driving through London. And then Niall was pulling into a lot outside of Reilly's psychologist's office. He turned to her.

"What time should I come back?" he asked.

"Oh," she said, extracting her hand from his. "Harry was going to pick me up and we were going to get dinner," she told him.

"Hmm," Niall hummed. "I have your things, though?" he said, but it came out more as a question than a statement.

Reilly shook her head a little in realization. "Right. Um. Well, you can meet us, if you want? I'm not sure where we're going but I can text you," she offered.

"No, it's alright," he said quickly. "I know you need your time with other people. I can drop it by your house tomorrow."

Tomorrow. It was evening, yet tomorrow seemed like it was so far away. "What if I have Harry drop me off at your house after?" she suggested.

"That could work," he agreed.

"Alright," Reilly said, reaching for the door handle. "I'll see you later, then." She pushed open the door and stepped out.

Niall watched her walk around the front of the car and toward the front door of the office building. Then suddenly she turned and walked back toward the car. He rolled down the window as she got closer. "You said earlier that we would get through this thing I'm going through," she said. He nodded. "We," she repeated. "I like the sound of that."