‹ Prequel: Lost in London
Collide, Ignite
all the cards begin to stack up
"Hey Reilly?
Reilly looked over at her sister who was sitting on the floor of Zachary's apartment. She had been quietly coloring for an hour while Reilly was curled up on the couch with a book. The plan was for the two of them to spend the day together until Zachary got home from work.
"What's up, Little One?" she asked.
Maisie put down the crayon at looked up to meet Reilly's eyes. "How come we're sisters but you call Nan and Poppy, Mum and Dad, and you don't call Daddy, Daddy?"
Reilly heaved out a sigh, knowing she wasn't prepared to answer this question. Of course, she'd known eventually Maisie's little mind would come around to it, but the right response still eluded her. She didn't want to lie to her sister.
"I know we don't have the same Mommy because your Mommy isn't alive anymore." Tears stung the backs of Reilly's eyeballs at the little girl's harmless comment. "So that means Nan isn't really your Mommy. And my daddy is your Daddy, but you always call him Kenneth or my Daddy. And instead you call Poppy, Daddy." She stood up and walked over to Reilly, stopping directly in front of her. "But I don't know why," she finished.
"Um," Reilly began. She set her book down and reached out to pull Maisie onto her lap. "Um, well," she started again. Maisie reached up and put a hand on Reilly's face. "I love you so much, Little One," she said. Maisie smiled and rubbed her sister's cheek.
"Why are you sad?" Maisie asked.
Reilly sniffed. "Baby, I'm not sad," she said. "I miss my Mommy a lot sometimes. And even though she's not your Mommy too, I see her in you."
The little girl's forehead scrunched. "Is that bad?" she asked. Reilly quickly shook her head.
"You are just like her. You're so full of love. And you're also just like me," Reilly explained. "You have so much going on inside that little head of yours and you want to know the answers to things someone your age shouldn't even be thinking about."
"Is that bad?" Maisie asked again. And again, Reilly shook her head.
"No," Reilly assured her. "Sometimes I just don't know which questions I should answer and which ones I shouldn't." Maisie's forehead scrunched again. "I don't ever want to lie to you, but I also want you to get to be a kid. And kids aren't supposed to worry about some of the things you worry about," she said. "Your dad is my dad, even if I don't call him that. And it shouldn't have to matter what I call Nan and Poppy. And if you don't like calling them Nan and Poppy we'll think of something else for you to call them, okay?" Maisie nodded. "What's important is that we are sisters and I love you so much and I love you no matter what, and nothing will ever change that. Does that make sense?" she asked.
"Kind of," Maisie answered. But she looked like something was troubling her still.
Reilly kissed her sister's face. "What's wrong, Little One?" she asked.
"Does Daddy love you?" she inquired. And at the question, Reilly's heart shattered into a million pieces. Not for herself, because she had long ago come to terms with her father's disdain of her. No, her heart broke again, as it had done too many times in the little girl's short lifetime, for Maisie. Because such a young child shouldn't know what it means for a parent to not love their child. Because she knew she couldn't lie to her. And slowly, she shook her head. Maisie's mouth pulled downward into a frown. "How come?" she wondered.
Reilly only shrugged. Trying to explain it to Maisie would be far too painful. And it was more than she needed to know anyway.
"Well," Maisie said, wrapping her small arms around her sister's middle and giving her a squeeze. "I love you."
A small laugh escaped Reilly and she kissed the top of Maisie's head. "Thank you, Little One. That's what matters most to me in this whole world," she said, hugging the child in her lap tightly.
"More than if Niall loves you?" Maisie asked.
"More than if Niall loves me," Reilly repeated back to her. "You're the most important person to me," she said. "I don't want you to ever forget that."
Over the course of the next few days, as everyone slowly started arriving, Maisie continued to ask questions. She wanted to know why she couldn't live with Reilly, if Reilly and Niall were going to have a baby, how long she could stay when she went in the summer. She inquired several times about Reilly's mother. She asked why Reilly lived so far away, why they couldn't see each other more, and if she could go with Reilly when it was time for her to leave. Answering her questions never got any easier, and saying no was hardest of all.
Reilly tried to keep her busy. It was easier once Louis and Zayn arrived, giving her more people spend time with. More people to keep a smile on her face. More people to show her just how loved she was. But something about that was even breaking Reilly's heart.
She still wasn't sleeping well, though it seemed to improve a little bit most nights. Memories of her old life and past mistakes haunted her dreams. Niall dutifully held her close every night, doing whatever he could to soothe her frazzled nerves when she woke up in a fit, or with tears streaming down her face. He assured her each morning that he wasn't going anywhere as long as she wanted him there. And she did. He was the only reason she was able to calm down enough to sleep. But even so, she could see it was wearing on him.
"Are you okay?" she asked him the morning of Maisie's party. They were still in bed, his arms around her, and her head on his shoulder. He nodded and kissed the side of her head. He looked tired though. He'd looked tired since he arrived, but hadn't even so much as mentioned it once. Reilly bit the inside of her lip. "I know I've been difficult. It's okay for you to say it," she told him.
There was a great deal of guilt in her voice, and he only held her closer. "You are doin' the best you can, Darlin'. I know that," he said. And then he let out a heavy sigh. "I've just been thinking for a day or two." She glanced up at him. "You said your doctor told you that you could call anytime. Have you spoken to her at all since you've been here?" he asked. Reilly shook her head. "Not even just to check in with her?" She shook her head again.
Niall heaved another sigh and pushed himself up into a seated position. Reilly followed suit, except instead of leaning against the headboard as Niall was, she sat facing him with her legs bent to one side and one hand pressed to the bed to support her. They looked at each other for a long time before either one spoke again.
"I thought about it," she admitted, dropping her eyes from Niall's face down to the bed.
Niall reached out and gently brushed his fingertips against Reilly's. "Listen, please," he said. She briefly raised her eyes so he knew she was, and then dropped them down again. "It's okay if there's things you can't tell me. But, Darlin', you have to tell someone. You can't let all them things eat away at you like you've been doin' since you've been back here. It's not good for you. And if I'm real honest, it's killin' me to see what it's doin' to you," he told her.
She let out a small sigh. "Okay," she conceded. "I'll call her." She lifted her eyes up again and held Niall's gaze this time. "I'll call her," she repeated. And then she shrugged. "The nights were a little bit easier once you got here. I guess I just thought it was good enough that I could hold on until we got back to London. But," she brushed her fingertips against his, "this is affecting you too. I should have realized sooner."
He breathed out through his nose and the corner of his mouth curved up the tiniest bit. His fingers caught hers and closed around them this time. "Come 'ere," he urged. It took just a moment for Reilly to oblige his request, but she did, scooting until she was next to him, sitting on folded knees. He raised his hand to let his fingers gently brush her face. "May I please kiss you?" he inquired.
The request caught her by surprise, but she quickly nodded. Niall leaned forward slowly and pressed his lips gently to hers. Her response was immediate, but gentle as well, letting it build, until the next thing she knew she pulling away, completely out of breath, and found herself straddling his lap.
She leaned her forehead against his, hands on his face. "I'm sorry," she said through ragged breaths. "I know it's been a long time."
"Shh," Niall urged, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. "It's alright. I'll wait as long as you need," he assured her.
Reilly shook her head and kissed his lips. "You don't have to wait." She kissed him again, but this time it was tentative. "We can do it now," she said, her breath still shaky. And then, again, before he could say anything, her mouth connected with his, but she was being almost cautious. Something in Niall's gut told him he needed to stop.
He reached up and covered her hands with his and carefully removed them from his face. "No," he said firmly. "You don't want to," he went on. "Wasn't even goin' for that when I asked. Just wanted to kiss you. Just wanted you to know I love you, even if this trip has been hard on the both of us. Alright?" he asked. She nodded and leaned her forehead against his, apologizing softly once more. "You don't have to say you're sorry. I don't want you to feel bad." She nodded again and lifted herself up so she could settle next to him until they had to get ready to go.
*****
The party was at a dance studio. Maisie had been talking about what it was going to be like since Reilly and Harry had arrived, and from the looks of it Zachary had planned it exactly as she'd described it. And as soon as she spotted Reilly, the little girl pranced over to her dressed in a black leotard, and a sheer silvery blue skirt. Her hair was pulled back tight in a bun at the crown of her head. On her feet were silver ballet slippers.
"You look beautiful, Little One," she said, dropping down to Maisie's height and gathering the girl in her arms. "You never said we were supposed to wear dance clothes."
Maisie giggled. "It's okay, Reilly. It's just the kids get to learn a dance and at the end we show all the grown ups," she said, giving Reilly a squeeze.
"What if I want to learn the dance too?" Reilly asked, leaning back so she could look at her sister.
"Well I think you can if you want. I can ask the teacher. And there's clothes you can get over there if you want," Maisie said.
Reilly smiled at the little girl. "Do you want me to dance with you?" she asked. "It's okay if you don't. It's okay if you just want it to be you and your friends."
But Maisie shook her head emphatically, pulling on Reilly's hand. "No, I always want you to do stuff with me. The teacher is right over there. Come on and we can go ask," she said, giving another tug on Reilly's hand.
Reilly rose to her full height and turned to Niall, who she'd come in with. "We'll be right back," she said and leaned up to kiss him. He smiled against her lips and gave her a second quick peck as she started to settle back onto her heels.
They both looked down to see Maisie grinning up at them. "What're you grinnin' at there, Little One?" Niall asked her and she giggled. She pointed between the two of them. "Us?" he asked, gesturing between himself and Reilly. "You're grinnin' like that at the two of us?" Maisie nodded and giggled again. Niall chuckled. "Alright, you two. Go on then," he told them.
The girls both looked at him and then started to walk away. But they only got a few steps before Maisie pulled her hand from Reilly's and darted back toward Niall, colliding hard with his legs and wrapping her arms around them tightly. He was able to maintain his balance and he reached down to rub Maisie's back. After a moment she let go of his legs and took a step back. He leaned down and swiftly lifted the little girl into the air.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him. "I forgot to say hi," she said in his ear.
He breathed out hard through his nose placed a kiss on Maisie's cheek. "'S alright, Little One. You're a very busy young lady today, bein' the guest of honor at such a big event," he told her. Maisie giggled and let her embrace go slack so she could kiss the tip of his nose. "In fact, you should probably get back to it," he said, letting her slide down until her feet hit the floor.
She was back at Reilly's side in barely a second, pulling her across the room to talk to the teacher. It was quickly determined that Reilly could join in learning the dance, but would not be able to be part of the performance at the end. The teacher then pointed Reilly in the direction of the studio shop and the changing rooms.
She didn't waste a lot of time picking out her own black leotard, sheer shimmery pink skirt, and matching pink slippers and ribbon for her hair. Once she got to the changing room and had changed, she studied herself in the mirror. In addition to being obviously tired, she looked like something was bothering her. With a sigh she began to pull her hair back, working it carefully into a bun. Then she searched her purse for bobby pins and pinned her bangs so they wouldn't fall into her face, practicing her performance smile the whole time.
By the time she returned to the studio it was almost like she was a completely different person. She headed straight for the barre and began to warm up. When Maisie caught sight of her, she scurried over and stood behind Reilly, mimicking her warm up exercises. Moments later all of Maisie's friends had followed suit and were lined up behind the little girl.
Reilly was finished warming up before the teacher was ready to start. Maisie tugged on her hand to get her attention and asked if Reilly could show all her friends the dance she'd shown Maisie once before. The one, Maisie said, where it looked like Reilly could fly. And without hesitation, Reilly obliged her sister. It was something she'd done probably a hundred times in the years she danced, and though her movements were not as precise and graceful as they'd once been, she managed to earn herself an audience of adults in addition to the children who had requested it.
When the teacher gathered all the dancers onto the floor, Reilly tried to stay to the side. Maisie, however, had other plans for her sister and dragged her to the middle of the floor to be next to her. It was a simple dance to learn, which made sense for a birthday party of children who probably didn't have much, if any, dance experience.
At the end of instruction, all the children were led out of the studio. Reilly turned to find more people had arrived, and saw more familiar faces than she'd expected. She headed to the side of the room and gave Liam a push.
"You're supposed to be on vacation," she told him, in a mock stern tone.
He chuckled and gathered Reilly into his arms. "It's lovely to see you, as well," he teased, holding her in a tight bear hug. "Funny thing that we were on vacation, took a wrong turn, and ended up here. Figured we might as well," he told her. She laughed and hugged him tightly. As much as she had insisted that no one change the plans they'd already made, she was happy to see him. "Did you really think we would be able to just not show up to Maisie's birthday?"
She took a step to the side once his arms finally dropped from around her and shook her head. Then, she turned to hug their parents and Aimee. The smile on her face grew as she greeted each one. For all the worrying Reilly did, Maisie was a lucky little girl, to have so many people who wanted to share her special day with her.
Within minutes they were being called to watch the kids perform. Niall slid next to Reilly and handed her a bottle of water, which she accepted gratefully. It never ceased to amaze her how many little things Niall did for her, even before they were together, and how patient he had been since they'd reconnected. It had been a long road, but they'd finally gotten to where they both felt they belonged, and it was better than Reilly had imagined it could be.
She reached for his hand and positioned her fingers in the spaces between his, and then lifted their hands up and placed a gentle kiss on his knuckles. He looked over at her quizzically, and she smiled at him. He smiled back and she kissed his knuckles again, and then dropped their hands back to their sides, but kept hers nestled safely inside of his.
And then the kids were filing back into the studio. Maisie was in the center with three children flanking her at either side. Reilly watched her closely. She wore a smile the entire time, intently focused on remembering the dance and keeping her movement fluid. She had learned so much when she was in London and had clearly retained most of it. It was about halfway through the dance that Reilly saw the exact moment when Maisie stopped focusing so hard and lost herself in in what she was doing.
At the end, the kids all joined hands and gave a bow. The girls dispersed quickly and Maisie shot straight toward Liam. "Uncle Liam!" she squealed. "Auntie Aimee! Nan! Poppy!" She jumped into Liam's arms. "I didn't know you were gonna be here," she said, hugging him tightly.
"Well, I couldn't very well miss my best girl's birthday, now could I?" he said, rubbing her back. He held onto her for only a moment before passing her to Aimee. "Say hi to everyone, and then it's important you get back to your friends. We'll see you later, I promise," he said.
Maisie obliged with only a little hesitation, giving in when everyone urged her similarly. She scampered off to play with her friends while the adults mingled with each other. Reilly moved around often, making a point to converse with each of Maisie's friends' parents, all of whom mentioned that Maisie spoke of Reilly often.
It was when the kids started to get hungry and gathered around the table for pizza that Reilly joined Niall once again. He leaned over and kissed her cheek when she slid into the seat next to him. "Feel like I need to find an empty room for us to go so I can give you a proper kiss," he said softly into her ear.
"The hallway would probably suffice," she said, reaching for his hand.
He laughed heartily. "That doesn't make it any easier. We'd have to sneak out at different times and meet up, otherwise it would be quite obvious we were going for a snog," he told her.
Reilly rolled her eyes and hit him playfully with her free hand. "It would be obvious either way," she countered. She opened her mouth to speak again but he cut her off before she could continue.
"Who's that over there?" he asked, nodding across the room. Reilly turned in the direction he'd gestured and felt her stomach sink.
She drew in a slow a breath. "That would be Maisie's mom and dad," she said quietly. Somehow she hadn't even considered that they would have been invited, much less show up. But there they were.
Niall's thumb gently stroked the back of Reilly's hand as she turned back toward them. "You alright?" he asked her. She nodded, but barely. Because she wasn't alright. But Niall knew that before he even asked. "Just breathe," he said quietly. She nodded again, barely.
She did her best to ignore their presence while everyone ate, while Maisie blew out the candles on her cake, while chatting as birthday cake was consumed. It was when Maisie began to open her gifts that something inside of Reilly shifted. She gave a gentle tug on Niall's hand and motioned for him follow her. Quietly they crossed the room. Her father barely regarded her as they approached.
"Didn't know you were in town," he said in lieu of a greeting.
It hadn't been her intention to pick a fight, only to attempt to discuss summer plans, but she couldn't help what came out of her mouth next. "I'm surprised Maisie didn't mention it, considering I've been here for almost two weeks now," she said, doing her best to keep her tone even. Niall stiffened at her side and held onto her hand a little more tightly. She cleared her throat and went on. "Speaking of Maisie, she's been asking how long she can stay with me in London. I was thinking I could come back in the middle of next month and keep her until the middle of August," she suggested.
"Your manners leave something to be desired, Reilly," he said, casting a glance at Niall. "I'm Kenneth, and this is my wife Allison," he said, holding a hand out to Niall.
Reluctantly, he dropped Reilly's hand. "Niall," he said, accepting the handshake. "Sir," he said stiffly, and then, "Ma'am," as he shook Allison's hand, and then reached immediately for Reilly's hand again. "Heard bits and pieces about the both of you," he commented, trying to reach an amiable tone.
"As have we," Kenneth replied, and then turned his gaze back on Reilly. "You may send me a proposed itinerary and I will respond appropriately," he told her. "Though, two months seems a bit of a stretch. You might consider coming to her if you feel the need to spend such extensive amounts of time with her," he suggested.
Reilly breathed in. "Right. I'll have that itinerary to you in the next few days. You might consider asking Maisie what she wants before you revise it," she suggested.
"Maisie is a child. She doesn't know what she wants," he countered.
Heat rushed to Reilly's face as her blood began to boil. Niall must have sensed the change in her because he gave her hand a squeeze as if to remind her that he was still there. "She knows she doesn't want to live with parents who don't love her. And those are her words, not mine," she spat. And before he had a chance to respond, she glanced quickly at Niall and the two turned and started back across the room.
Kenneth and Allison didn't stay long after that, and it was only after they left that Reilly was able to fully calm down. And then shortly after that Maisie's friends began to leave. It was only early evening but Reilly was feeling exhausted, and was thrilled when Maisie wanted to go with the Paynes. She bid a good night to the little girl as they all headed to their cars and relinquished the car seat in her rental car to her parents without argument.
Both she and Niall were quiet on the drive back to their hotel, though Niall kept physical contact with Reilly for the twenty minute drive. She was grateful for it because even having finally managed to calm down, she was left feeling unsettled. He only let go of her long enough for them to get out of the car.
They were still quiet when they got into the hotel room. Niall wordlessly pulled Reilly onto the couch and wrapped his arms protectively around her. She searched her brain for the right words to say to him. For how she could tell him that she was okay. But she wasn't. She was a wreck. And she couldn't fabricate any other sentiment, as much as she wanted to. As much as she would kill to give Niall that peace of mind.
Instead she breathed in his scent, closing her eyes with her head rested against his shoulder. She let her hand rest against his stomach and breathed in again, searching her mind for happy memories. She softly rubbed his back with her other hand and breathed him in, trying to push out all the bad feelings inside of her.
She opened her eyes, and breathed in again. Her fingers played with the buttons on his shirt, slowly opening them, one by one, until she could push enough of the fabric out of the way to feel the soft skin on his stomach. She let her fingers dance across it, drawing shapes around his belly button, sliding down by the waist of his jeans. She looked up at the same moment he glanced down at her and caught the corner of his lips with a kiss.
He shifted as her fingers danced across his stomach, allowing her easy access to his mouth. Just as she had that morning, she kept it gentle, slow, and let it build. She breathed in deeply when their mouths would part to keep herself in the present, to keep herself with Niall, instead of getting lost somewhere inside the abyss of her mind. She opened her eyes occasionally to keep her bearings.
He was beautiful every time she looked at him. He was patient, and he was careful, and he was more than she ever could have asked for. She breathed in and removed her hand from his skin, her lips from his, and pushed herself up to swing her leg over both of his, and immediately kissed his mouth again. Soft. Slow. Intentional. Fingers on both hands carefully worked at the remaining buttons on his shirt when he gently grabbed hold her hands.
"Darlin'?" he inquired, breathless.
She nodded. Her hair was still up in a perfect bun at the crown of her head. She reached up and pulled on the ribbon, letting her long hair fall down in loose waves past her shoulders and gave her head a little shake. He pinched several strands between two fingers, curling it and letting it drop.
She cleared her throat. "I have good memories here," she began. Niall's blue gaze, full of love, locked on her green eyes. "But they're clouded by all the awful ones. I'm tired of feeling bad. I want to take it back. I don't want to think back to Maisie's fifth birthday and remember that her father made me feel terrible for caring about her. We have four more days here. I want good memories of Boston. And I want to start right here, right now, with you, one hundred percent," she told him.
He held her gaze for a good thirty seconds. "Are you sure?" he asked finally. Reilly nodded, carefully removing one of her hands from inside his and placing it on his chest, right where his heart was.
"One hundred percent."
Reilly looked over at her sister who was sitting on the floor of Zachary's apartment. She had been quietly coloring for an hour while Reilly was curled up on the couch with a book. The plan was for the two of them to spend the day together until Zachary got home from work.
"What's up, Little One?" she asked.
Maisie put down the crayon at looked up to meet Reilly's eyes. "How come we're sisters but you call Nan and Poppy, Mum and Dad, and you don't call Daddy, Daddy?"
Reilly heaved out a sigh, knowing she wasn't prepared to answer this question. Of course, she'd known eventually Maisie's little mind would come around to it, but the right response still eluded her. She didn't want to lie to her sister.
"I know we don't have the same Mommy because your Mommy isn't alive anymore." Tears stung the backs of Reilly's eyeballs at the little girl's harmless comment. "So that means Nan isn't really your Mommy. And my daddy is your Daddy, but you always call him Kenneth or my Daddy. And instead you call Poppy, Daddy." She stood up and walked over to Reilly, stopping directly in front of her. "But I don't know why," she finished.
"Um," Reilly began. She set her book down and reached out to pull Maisie onto her lap. "Um, well," she started again. Maisie reached up and put a hand on Reilly's face. "I love you so much, Little One," she said. Maisie smiled and rubbed her sister's cheek.
"Why are you sad?" Maisie asked.
Reilly sniffed. "Baby, I'm not sad," she said. "I miss my Mommy a lot sometimes. And even though she's not your Mommy too, I see her in you."
The little girl's forehead scrunched. "Is that bad?" she asked. Reilly quickly shook her head.
"You are just like her. You're so full of love. And you're also just like me," Reilly explained. "You have so much going on inside that little head of yours and you want to know the answers to things someone your age shouldn't even be thinking about."
"Is that bad?" Maisie asked again. And again, Reilly shook her head.
"No," Reilly assured her. "Sometimes I just don't know which questions I should answer and which ones I shouldn't." Maisie's forehead scrunched again. "I don't ever want to lie to you, but I also want you to get to be a kid. And kids aren't supposed to worry about some of the things you worry about," she said. "Your dad is my dad, even if I don't call him that. And it shouldn't have to matter what I call Nan and Poppy. And if you don't like calling them Nan and Poppy we'll think of something else for you to call them, okay?" Maisie nodded. "What's important is that we are sisters and I love you so much and I love you no matter what, and nothing will ever change that. Does that make sense?" she asked.
"Kind of," Maisie answered. But she looked like something was troubling her still.
Reilly kissed her sister's face. "What's wrong, Little One?" she asked.
"Does Daddy love you?" she inquired. And at the question, Reilly's heart shattered into a million pieces. Not for herself, because she had long ago come to terms with her father's disdain of her. No, her heart broke again, as it had done too many times in the little girl's short lifetime, for Maisie. Because such a young child shouldn't know what it means for a parent to not love their child. Because she knew she couldn't lie to her. And slowly, she shook her head. Maisie's mouth pulled downward into a frown. "How come?" she wondered.
Reilly only shrugged. Trying to explain it to Maisie would be far too painful. And it was more than she needed to know anyway.
"Well," Maisie said, wrapping her small arms around her sister's middle and giving her a squeeze. "I love you."
A small laugh escaped Reilly and she kissed the top of Maisie's head. "Thank you, Little One. That's what matters most to me in this whole world," she said, hugging the child in her lap tightly.
"More than if Niall loves you?" Maisie asked.
"More than if Niall loves me," Reilly repeated back to her. "You're the most important person to me," she said. "I don't want you to ever forget that."
Over the course of the next few days, as everyone slowly started arriving, Maisie continued to ask questions. She wanted to know why she couldn't live with Reilly, if Reilly and Niall were going to have a baby, how long she could stay when she went in the summer. She inquired several times about Reilly's mother. She asked why Reilly lived so far away, why they couldn't see each other more, and if she could go with Reilly when it was time for her to leave. Answering her questions never got any easier, and saying no was hardest of all.
Reilly tried to keep her busy. It was easier once Louis and Zayn arrived, giving her more people spend time with. More people to keep a smile on her face. More people to show her just how loved she was. But something about that was even breaking Reilly's heart.
She still wasn't sleeping well, though it seemed to improve a little bit most nights. Memories of her old life and past mistakes haunted her dreams. Niall dutifully held her close every night, doing whatever he could to soothe her frazzled nerves when she woke up in a fit, or with tears streaming down her face. He assured her each morning that he wasn't going anywhere as long as she wanted him there. And she did. He was the only reason she was able to calm down enough to sleep. But even so, she could see it was wearing on him.
"Are you okay?" she asked him the morning of Maisie's party. They were still in bed, his arms around her, and her head on his shoulder. He nodded and kissed the side of her head. He looked tired though. He'd looked tired since he arrived, but hadn't even so much as mentioned it once. Reilly bit the inside of her lip. "I know I've been difficult. It's okay for you to say it," she told him.
There was a great deal of guilt in her voice, and he only held her closer. "You are doin' the best you can, Darlin'. I know that," he said. And then he let out a heavy sigh. "I've just been thinking for a day or two." She glanced up at him. "You said your doctor told you that you could call anytime. Have you spoken to her at all since you've been here?" he asked. Reilly shook her head. "Not even just to check in with her?" She shook her head again.
Niall heaved another sigh and pushed himself up into a seated position. Reilly followed suit, except instead of leaning against the headboard as Niall was, she sat facing him with her legs bent to one side and one hand pressed to the bed to support her. They looked at each other for a long time before either one spoke again.
"I thought about it," she admitted, dropping her eyes from Niall's face down to the bed.
Niall reached out and gently brushed his fingertips against Reilly's. "Listen, please," he said. She briefly raised her eyes so he knew she was, and then dropped them down again. "It's okay if there's things you can't tell me. But, Darlin', you have to tell someone. You can't let all them things eat away at you like you've been doin' since you've been back here. It's not good for you. And if I'm real honest, it's killin' me to see what it's doin' to you," he told her.
She let out a small sigh. "Okay," she conceded. "I'll call her." She lifted her eyes up again and held Niall's gaze this time. "I'll call her," she repeated. And then she shrugged. "The nights were a little bit easier once you got here. I guess I just thought it was good enough that I could hold on until we got back to London. But," she brushed her fingertips against his, "this is affecting you too. I should have realized sooner."
He breathed out through his nose and the corner of his mouth curved up the tiniest bit. His fingers caught hers and closed around them this time. "Come 'ere," he urged. It took just a moment for Reilly to oblige his request, but she did, scooting until she was next to him, sitting on folded knees. He raised his hand to let his fingers gently brush her face. "May I please kiss you?" he inquired.
The request caught her by surprise, but she quickly nodded. Niall leaned forward slowly and pressed his lips gently to hers. Her response was immediate, but gentle as well, letting it build, until the next thing she knew she pulling away, completely out of breath, and found herself straddling his lap.
She leaned her forehead against his, hands on his face. "I'm sorry," she said through ragged breaths. "I know it's been a long time."
"Shh," Niall urged, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. "It's alright. I'll wait as long as you need," he assured her.
Reilly shook her head and kissed his lips. "You don't have to wait." She kissed him again, but this time it was tentative. "We can do it now," she said, her breath still shaky. And then, again, before he could say anything, her mouth connected with his, but she was being almost cautious. Something in Niall's gut told him he needed to stop.
He reached up and covered her hands with his and carefully removed them from his face. "No," he said firmly. "You don't want to," he went on. "Wasn't even goin' for that when I asked. Just wanted to kiss you. Just wanted you to know I love you, even if this trip has been hard on the both of us. Alright?" he asked. She nodded and leaned her forehead against his, apologizing softly once more. "You don't have to say you're sorry. I don't want you to feel bad." She nodded again and lifted herself up so she could settle next to him until they had to get ready to go.
*****
The party was at a dance studio. Maisie had been talking about what it was going to be like since Reilly and Harry had arrived, and from the looks of it Zachary had planned it exactly as she'd described it. And as soon as she spotted Reilly, the little girl pranced over to her dressed in a black leotard, and a sheer silvery blue skirt. Her hair was pulled back tight in a bun at the crown of her head. On her feet were silver ballet slippers.
"You look beautiful, Little One," she said, dropping down to Maisie's height and gathering the girl in her arms. "You never said we were supposed to wear dance clothes."
Maisie giggled. "It's okay, Reilly. It's just the kids get to learn a dance and at the end we show all the grown ups," she said, giving Reilly a squeeze.
"What if I want to learn the dance too?" Reilly asked, leaning back so she could look at her sister.
"Well I think you can if you want. I can ask the teacher. And there's clothes you can get over there if you want," Maisie said.
Reilly smiled at the little girl. "Do you want me to dance with you?" she asked. "It's okay if you don't. It's okay if you just want it to be you and your friends."
But Maisie shook her head emphatically, pulling on Reilly's hand. "No, I always want you to do stuff with me. The teacher is right over there. Come on and we can go ask," she said, giving another tug on Reilly's hand.
Reilly rose to her full height and turned to Niall, who she'd come in with. "We'll be right back," she said and leaned up to kiss him. He smiled against her lips and gave her a second quick peck as she started to settle back onto her heels.
They both looked down to see Maisie grinning up at them. "What're you grinnin' at there, Little One?" Niall asked her and she giggled. She pointed between the two of them. "Us?" he asked, gesturing between himself and Reilly. "You're grinnin' like that at the two of us?" Maisie nodded and giggled again. Niall chuckled. "Alright, you two. Go on then," he told them.
The girls both looked at him and then started to walk away. But they only got a few steps before Maisie pulled her hand from Reilly's and darted back toward Niall, colliding hard with his legs and wrapping her arms around them tightly. He was able to maintain his balance and he reached down to rub Maisie's back. After a moment she let go of his legs and took a step back. He leaned down and swiftly lifted the little girl into the air.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him. "I forgot to say hi," she said in his ear.
He breathed out hard through his nose placed a kiss on Maisie's cheek. "'S alright, Little One. You're a very busy young lady today, bein' the guest of honor at such a big event," he told her. Maisie giggled and let her embrace go slack so she could kiss the tip of his nose. "In fact, you should probably get back to it," he said, letting her slide down until her feet hit the floor.
She was back at Reilly's side in barely a second, pulling her across the room to talk to the teacher. It was quickly determined that Reilly could join in learning the dance, but would not be able to be part of the performance at the end. The teacher then pointed Reilly in the direction of the studio shop and the changing rooms.
She didn't waste a lot of time picking out her own black leotard, sheer shimmery pink skirt, and matching pink slippers and ribbon for her hair. Once she got to the changing room and had changed, she studied herself in the mirror. In addition to being obviously tired, she looked like something was bothering her. With a sigh she began to pull her hair back, working it carefully into a bun. Then she searched her purse for bobby pins and pinned her bangs so they wouldn't fall into her face, practicing her performance smile the whole time.
By the time she returned to the studio it was almost like she was a completely different person. She headed straight for the barre and began to warm up. When Maisie caught sight of her, she scurried over and stood behind Reilly, mimicking her warm up exercises. Moments later all of Maisie's friends had followed suit and were lined up behind the little girl.
Reilly was finished warming up before the teacher was ready to start. Maisie tugged on her hand to get her attention and asked if Reilly could show all her friends the dance she'd shown Maisie once before. The one, Maisie said, where it looked like Reilly could fly. And without hesitation, Reilly obliged her sister. It was something she'd done probably a hundred times in the years she danced, and though her movements were not as precise and graceful as they'd once been, she managed to earn herself an audience of adults in addition to the children who had requested it.
When the teacher gathered all the dancers onto the floor, Reilly tried to stay to the side. Maisie, however, had other plans for her sister and dragged her to the middle of the floor to be next to her. It was a simple dance to learn, which made sense for a birthday party of children who probably didn't have much, if any, dance experience.
At the end of instruction, all the children were led out of the studio. Reilly turned to find more people had arrived, and saw more familiar faces than she'd expected. She headed to the side of the room and gave Liam a push.
"You're supposed to be on vacation," she told him, in a mock stern tone.
He chuckled and gathered Reilly into his arms. "It's lovely to see you, as well," he teased, holding her in a tight bear hug. "Funny thing that we were on vacation, took a wrong turn, and ended up here. Figured we might as well," he told her. She laughed and hugged him tightly. As much as she had insisted that no one change the plans they'd already made, she was happy to see him. "Did you really think we would be able to just not show up to Maisie's birthday?"
She took a step to the side once his arms finally dropped from around her and shook her head. Then, she turned to hug their parents and Aimee. The smile on her face grew as she greeted each one. For all the worrying Reilly did, Maisie was a lucky little girl, to have so many people who wanted to share her special day with her.
Within minutes they were being called to watch the kids perform. Niall slid next to Reilly and handed her a bottle of water, which she accepted gratefully. It never ceased to amaze her how many little things Niall did for her, even before they were together, and how patient he had been since they'd reconnected. It had been a long road, but they'd finally gotten to where they both felt they belonged, and it was better than Reilly had imagined it could be.
She reached for his hand and positioned her fingers in the spaces between his, and then lifted their hands up and placed a gentle kiss on his knuckles. He looked over at her quizzically, and she smiled at him. He smiled back and she kissed his knuckles again, and then dropped their hands back to their sides, but kept hers nestled safely inside of his.
And then the kids were filing back into the studio. Maisie was in the center with three children flanking her at either side. Reilly watched her closely. She wore a smile the entire time, intently focused on remembering the dance and keeping her movement fluid. She had learned so much when she was in London and had clearly retained most of it. It was about halfway through the dance that Reilly saw the exact moment when Maisie stopped focusing so hard and lost herself in in what she was doing.
At the end, the kids all joined hands and gave a bow. The girls dispersed quickly and Maisie shot straight toward Liam. "Uncle Liam!" she squealed. "Auntie Aimee! Nan! Poppy!" She jumped into Liam's arms. "I didn't know you were gonna be here," she said, hugging him tightly.
"Well, I couldn't very well miss my best girl's birthday, now could I?" he said, rubbing her back. He held onto her for only a moment before passing her to Aimee. "Say hi to everyone, and then it's important you get back to your friends. We'll see you later, I promise," he said.
Maisie obliged with only a little hesitation, giving in when everyone urged her similarly. She scampered off to play with her friends while the adults mingled with each other. Reilly moved around often, making a point to converse with each of Maisie's friends' parents, all of whom mentioned that Maisie spoke of Reilly often.
It was when the kids started to get hungry and gathered around the table for pizza that Reilly joined Niall once again. He leaned over and kissed her cheek when she slid into the seat next to him. "Feel like I need to find an empty room for us to go so I can give you a proper kiss," he said softly into her ear.
"The hallway would probably suffice," she said, reaching for his hand.
He laughed heartily. "That doesn't make it any easier. We'd have to sneak out at different times and meet up, otherwise it would be quite obvious we were going for a snog," he told her.
Reilly rolled her eyes and hit him playfully with her free hand. "It would be obvious either way," she countered. She opened her mouth to speak again but he cut her off before she could continue.
"Who's that over there?" he asked, nodding across the room. Reilly turned in the direction he'd gestured and felt her stomach sink.
She drew in a slow a breath. "That would be Maisie's mom and dad," she said quietly. Somehow she hadn't even considered that they would have been invited, much less show up. But there they were.
Niall's thumb gently stroked the back of Reilly's hand as she turned back toward them. "You alright?" he asked her. She nodded, but barely. Because she wasn't alright. But Niall knew that before he even asked. "Just breathe," he said quietly. She nodded again, barely.
She did her best to ignore their presence while everyone ate, while Maisie blew out the candles on her cake, while chatting as birthday cake was consumed. It was when Maisie began to open her gifts that something inside of Reilly shifted. She gave a gentle tug on Niall's hand and motioned for him follow her. Quietly they crossed the room. Her father barely regarded her as they approached.
"Didn't know you were in town," he said in lieu of a greeting.
It hadn't been her intention to pick a fight, only to attempt to discuss summer plans, but she couldn't help what came out of her mouth next. "I'm surprised Maisie didn't mention it, considering I've been here for almost two weeks now," she said, doing her best to keep her tone even. Niall stiffened at her side and held onto her hand a little more tightly. She cleared her throat and went on. "Speaking of Maisie, she's been asking how long she can stay with me in London. I was thinking I could come back in the middle of next month and keep her until the middle of August," she suggested.
"Your manners leave something to be desired, Reilly," he said, casting a glance at Niall. "I'm Kenneth, and this is my wife Allison," he said, holding a hand out to Niall.
Reluctantly, he dropped Reilly's hand. "Niall," he said, accepting the handshake. "Sir," he said stiffly, and then, "Ma'am," as he shook Allison's hand, and then reached immediately for Reilly's hand again. "Heard bits and pieces about the both of you," he commented, trying to reach an amiable tone.
"As have we," Kenneth replied, and then turned his gaze back on Reilly. "You may send me a proposed itinerary and I will respond appropriately," he told her. "Though, two months seems a bit of a stretch. You might consider coming to her if you feel the need to spend such extensive amounts of time with her," he suggested.
Reilly breathed in. "Right. I'll have that itinerary to you in the next few days. You might consider asking Maisie what she wants before you revise it," she suggested.
"Maisie is a child. She doesn't know what she wants," he countered.
Heat rushed to Reilly's face as her blood began to boil. Niall must have sensed the change in her because he gave her hand a squeeze as if to remind her that he was still there. "She knows she doesn't want to live with parents who don't love her. And those are her words, not mine," she spat. And before he had a chance to respond, she glanced quickly at Niall and the two turned and started back across the room.
Kenneth and Allison didn't stay long after that, and it was only after they left that Reilly was able to fully calm down. And then shortly after that Maisie's friends began to leave. It was only early evening but Reilly was feeling exhausted, and was thrilled when Maisie wanted to go with the Paynes. She bid a good night to the little girl as they all headed to their cars and relinquished the car seat in her rental car to her parents without argument.
Both she and Niall were quiet on the drive back to their hotel, though Niall kept physical contact with Reilly for the twenty minute drive. She was grateful for it because even having finally managed to calm down, she was left feeling unsettled. He only let go of her long enough for them to get out of the car.
They were still quiet when they got into the hotel room. Niall wordlessly pulled Reilly onto the couch and wrapped his arms protectively around her. She searched her brain for the right words to say to him. For how she could tell him that she was okay. But she wasn't. She was a wreck. And she couldn't fabricate any other sentiment, as much as she wanted to. As much as she would kill to give Niall that peace of mind.
Instead she breathed in his scent, closing her eyes with her head rested against his shoulder. She let her hand rest against his stomach and breathed in again, searching her mind for happy memories. She softly rubbed his back with her other hand and breathed him in, trying to push out all the bad feelings inside of her.
She opened her eyes, and breathed in again. Her fingers played with the buttons on his shirt, slowly opening them, one by one, until she could push enough of the fabric out of the way to feel the soft skin on his stomach. She let her fingers dance across it, drawing shapes around his belly button, sliding down by the waist of his jeans. She looked up at the same moment he glanced down at her and caught the corner of his lips with a kiss.
He shifted as her fingers danced across his stomach, allowing her easy access to his mouth. Just as she had that morning, she kept it gentle, slow, and let it build. She breathed in deeply when their mouths would part to keep herself in the present, to keep herself with Niall, instead of getting lost somewhere inside the abyss of her mind. She opened her eyes occasionally to keep her bearings.
He was beautiful every time she looked at him. He was patient, and he was careful, and he was more than she ever could have asked for. She breathed in and removed her hand from his skin, her lips from his, and pushed herself up to swing her leg over both of his, and immediately kissed his mouth again. Soft. Slow. Intentional. Fingers on both hands carefully worked at the remaining buttons on his shirt when he gently grabbed hold her hands.
"Darlin'?" he inquired, breathless.
She nodded. Her hair was still up in a perfect bun at the crown of her head. She reached up and pulled on the ribbon, letting her long hair fall down in loose waves past her shoulders and gave her head a little shake. He pinched several strands between two fingers, curling it and letting it drop.
She cleared her throat. "I have good memories here," she began. Niall's blue gaze, full of love, locked on her green eyes. "But they're clouded by all the awful ones. I'm tired of feeling bad. I want to take it back. I don't want to think back to Maisie's fifth birthday and remember that her father made me feel terrible for caring about her. We have four more days here. I want good memories of Boston. And I want to start right here, right now, with you, one hundred percent," she told him.
He held her gaze for a good thirty seconds. "Are you sure?" he asked finally. Reilly nodded, carefully removing one of her hands from inside his and placing it on his chest, right where his heart was.
"One hundred percent."
♠ ♠ ♠
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