Radioactive

"You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villian."

---

Harper dragged Matt, by the hand, through the furniture store. She seemed to be looking for something, and he didn't quite feel like stopping her. She was obviously annoyed, and he knew it had something to do with Amy.

She'd never admit it, but seeing a girl, who was obviously super pretty, flirt with her boyfriend only made her uncomfortable and slightly insecure. Especially when she thought about what Matt had asked her in the RV.

They reached the end of the store. Matt turned to her as she let go of his hand, "what are--" he was cut off as she grabbed a handful of his shirt and pulled him down to her height, her lips finding his. He leaned into her, his hands sliding down to get a grip on her waist. He pulled her closer as she leaned away, her hands tugging at the hem of his shirt. "Really, Harp? Here?"

She pulled the shirt up over his head, tossing it to the side. "There weren't any hotel rooms available."

He laughed, leaning down to press his lips against hers as her hands found his belt buckle. "Is this because of what I said in the RV? Because you don't have to prove yourself to me."

"Just stop, I don't want to hear it," she said with a slight groan, which made him shiver against her with longing.

He pulled her closer, so that she was pressed up against him. He could feel her stomach against his. "Quick, then, before someone comes to find us."

She complied, shoving him backwards onto the bed, and he laughed as he pulled her up after him.

-*-*-*-*-

After half an hour, Amaryllis had searched the entire mall. He wasn't anywhere to be found. She was just coming out of Bath & Body works when she ran into Blaze. "Hey, do you know if there's a roof or anything here?"

"Yeah, the stairs are right down that hallway." He answered in a low voice, pointing in the right direction. His finger nails were painted black, something she found strange.

"Okay, thanks." She offered him a smile, which he didn't return, before going the way he had directed her. She found the stairwell door and opened it, calling out his name. She wasn't surprised when he didn't answer. She pushed open the door at the top of the stairwell, calling out his name as she stepped onto the roof. She choked on his name before she could get it out as she caught sight of him sitting on the brick wall that wound around the roof. He was holding a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey in one hand, and Matts gun in the other.

The door shutting behind her alerted him of her presence. When he looked up at her, she could tell he had been crying. His eyes were red, and he was shaking. He leaned back, roughly shaking his head when he saw her. "Go away," he croaked, his voice sounded dry despite the alcohol he had been drinking.

She took a few steps towards him, stopping in the middle of the roof. "Taniss, what are you doing up here alone."

He wasn't looking at her anymore. His attention was on the gun in his hand. He tilted his head back, taking a long sip of the whiskey before setting it down beside him, running his hand over the gun. "Relaxing. I'm relaxing." He answered briskly.

"How is this relaxing?" She asked carefully.

"Because I need to forget." He leaned forward, rocking back and forth, tapping the barrel of the gun against his head. "I have to forget." He murmured, his voice sounding urgent.

"Forget what?" She took a few more steps towards him, freezing when he glanced up at her, his face contorting with an indescribable emotion.

"Her." He choked on the word, squeezing his eyes shut. "I can't remember her. It's going to kill me." He wrapped his arms tightly around himself, as if trying to hold himself together.

"Her? Who's her?" She asked softly, trying to sound as calm as she could despite the sense of fear that had settled itself in her stomach and only seemed to grow by the second.

He straightened up, running his hands up and down his leg, still violently shaking. "It's going to kill me." He repeated. He dropped the gun in his lap and held his hands up to the side of his head, tugging at his hair.

She was only a few feet away from him now. "Taniss, you can talk to me, you know."

"She's all I have." He paused, "had. She's all I had." He leaned forward again, picking up the gun and holding it out in front of him as he rocked back and forth.

She could see now that he was crying. Tears streamed freely down his face. "Come on, Taniss, talk to me."

He took another chug of whiskey, and she was tempted to yank it out of his grip. He pointed the gun at her as he spoke, making her flinch. "You don't get it. You wouldn't understand. She was--" he let out a muffled sob, leaning forward to hide his face from view. "She was special. She was important. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. The only thing good in my life."

She knew now wasn't the time to feel jealous, but she couldn't help it. "Just put the gun down and we'll talk, we'll--"

He sat up suddenly, cutting her off. "You know, I think that everyone in the world has a reason to live. It may be a person, or something they're supposed to do, I don't know. But what do you do when your reason to live isn't there anymore?"

"Taniss, you're scaring me." She answered honestly, unable to keep the fear out of her voice. She hated how it made her sound weak.

"See? You wouldn't get it. You wouldn't get it unless you knew her."

"I don't know who you're talking about." She glanced back towards the door leading to the stairwell, wishing Matt and Harper would find them just then, but she didn't dare risk leaving him for even a moment to find them.

Taniss stared down at the gun, carefully running his finger along the barrel. He let out a choked sob. "My sister. She was only five. She just--" he shook his head, bending forward as if the pain of what he was saying was weighing him down. He sobbed into the crook of his arm, shaking violently.

"Taniss--" Her throat felt swollen. There was nothing she could say. She was sure he didn't want to hear that she was sorry. What good would that do? With the last of the energy he seemed to have, he sat up, spinning the gun in his hand until it was pointing right at him. She took an involuntary step forward in surprise. "Taniss, what're you--"

"Look, okay," his breaths were coming in short gasps now, his hands trembling as he stared down the barrel of the gun. "You're going to leave. The roof, this mall, this state, this country, even. Find your fathers boat, whatever." It seemed difficult for him to talk, but he somehow managed to get the next words out. "Take Matt and Harper. Matt.. He'll keep you safe." He glanced up, his eyes roaming over her in a way she hadn't seem him do before.

"This isn't funny." She told him weakly, her heart beating erratically in her chest.

"I'm not trying to be funny." He grabbed the bottle of whiskey again, taking another long sip. Some of it dripped onto his black tank-top. "None of this is a game. The world--" he waved the gun around, she her heart leaped into her throat. "--is a mess. And things are never going to be the same. Maybe you're okay with that, but i'm not." He glanced around the roof as he spoke, trying to control the wracking sobs that had his chest heaving. "I can deal with a lot of things, but not when it comes to my sister. She was my responsiblity, and I screwed up. My reason to live is dead, Scotty."

The pained look he was giving her was enough to have her eyes brimming with tears. "You can--you can deal with it. Because she's not all you have. You have--" he didn't let her finish.

"I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE." She jumped, scrambling backwards a few steps, surprised at his outburst. He was on his feet now, stumbling unsteadily towards her. She kept the distance between them. "Everything is falling apart, okay?" His voice sounded weak, but still angry. "It's like, one second I think I can do it, and then the next something reminds me of her, and I realize that I can't." He let out another sob. "That feeling that I get? Nothings going to make that go away."

"Taniss," Amaryllis tried again, her voice rising too. "We can help you. Me, Harper, Matt--"

"I'm tired of it." He shouted, waving the gun around as he spoke. "Everytime I wake up, the first thing I feel is tired. Because i'm tired of trying to deal. I just--" he looked confused for a moment. "I just want to sleep and not wake up." He nodded, as if trying to convince himself of this. "Yeah, that's what I want."

"Taniss--"

"I don't have anyone anymore." It was a sad proclemation, and he let that hang in the air for a moment before turning back to the edge of the roof and grabbing the bottle of whiskey. She shook her head, trying to find the words to say. "Everythings so fragile. Don't you realize that?" He pressed his palms flat on the wall wound around the top of the building, lifting himself up onto it.

"Taniss?!" Amaryllis stumbled forward, but he held up the gun before she could get too close, pointed straight at her chest. Now she took a few steps backwards, hardly able to find the ability to speak. The tears she had been holding back spilled over now, blurring her vision. "Look, we'll just--"

"Don't lay out some plan that's supposed to help me feel better about myself. You think you're helping me, but you're not. So don't even try. Just fucking don't." He was yelling now, the gun no longer pointed at her, but at himself. He slid it along his chest, over his heart, his jaw, and against his head, but he seemed unsure exactly what he was doing. "What's the point?"

She shook her head, but he cut her off before she could speak. "Seriously? What's even the point of being alive right now? So I can be eaten by walkers? So that I can watch all of my friends slowly die off?"

"I'm not going to sit here and listen to you talk like this!" She yelled back, her voice rising to match his. "You're not thinking clearly! You know we need you!"

"What's the point, Scotty? In feeling like this?" He shook his head. "I'm not alive right now. I'm just--" he tapped the gun against his chin, "existing. This is a war I can't win, and i'm not sure I feel like trying."

"Taniss, I don't like seeing you like this. I hate it!" She wasn't quite sure what was making her yell, but she felt like it would get to him better.

He turned away from her, pacing along the thin wall. He could slip at any moment and fall, and she knew he wouldn't survive the drop. She watched him, her chest rising and falling as she fought to breathe normal. He stopped walking, turning towards her, looking at her with an indescribable emotion. "Dreams don't come true for people like us." He told her, his voice softer now, his eyes searching her face. He seemed to be trying to memorize it. She hated that.

"You're not allowed to leave me."

He laughed drly, shaking his head at that. "I'm not allowed, huh?"

He didn't seem bothered by her tears, and she wished somehow she could reach out to him. But everytime she tried to step forward, he faced the gun towards her, keeping her from advancing. "Life goes on. Day by day, it goes on. And it sucks. But you just have to deal with it."

He only shook his head, pacing along the wall again. "This is not the life I wanted."

"I just--" she gazed around the roof, fighting for breath. "I really fucking hate you right now!" She yelled, picking up a loose pebble off the roof and sending it flying over the edge. He stopped, turning to watch it clatter against the ground a few stories below. "I thought you were everything and so much more! I guess I was wrong!"

He turned towards her, gazing at her with an expression she couldn't quite read. She felt so mad, so angry, and a part of her wanted to shove him herself, but she knew she'd never do that. He dropped down to the flat rooftop, tapping the barrel of the gun against his open palm. The anger was gone from his voice. "I don't want to be here anymore."

"I want you to be here." She told him weakly. "People need you. Matt, Harper, the baby, and me." She took a deep breath, trying to control herself. "I need you."

His gaze flickered over her face, his eyebrows knitted together as he tried to make sense of what she was saying. "Say that again."

She blinked furiously to rid the tears welling up, "I need you, Taniss." He didn't say anything, he only stared at her. She wasn't sure she'd have the ability to speak again. Suddenly, he advanced towards her, the gun still clutched tightly in his hand. Fear crept it's way up her spine, and she involuntarily scrambled backwards, but he was faster than her. He gripped her tightly, and pulled her into him. She couldn't find it in herself to struggle against him, even as he pressed his lips to hers.

As if on their own accord, her hands clenched, settled against his chest as they moved in sync, their bodies pressed together. A warm, fuzzy feeling bloomed in her chest, spreading through out her body. Every part of her tingled, every fiber of her being felt like she needed more. He was so close to her that it felt almost suffocating, yet at the same time it wasn't enough. She wanted him closer; she wanted more of him. She almost forgot that she would need to breathe. She pulled away from him, her breath coming in short gasps.

He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against hers. She squeezed her eyes shut, breathing in the scent of him. His warm breath, smelling of whiskey, fanned across her face. It felt almost comforting. Slowly, she slid her hand down his arm, finding the gun. She twisted it from his grip, and he didn't fight it. Unsure if leaving him on the roof alone was a good idea, she pulled away from him, her gaze holding his until she turned away to open the stairwell door, her hands trembling. She only managed to get to the end of the stairwell before she sank down, pulling her knees up to her chest, sobbing into her arms, the gun clutched tightly to her chest.