The Poison in Your Blood

I wake up when I hear Annalise wake up with a start and I look down at her on the floor. Judging by the amount of sunlight I guess it’s pretty late in the morning. Blair will be up soon, feeling groggy and not knowing why. I try to think if Fred poured her a glass of wine last night. He used to drug her up with a glass of wine with some kind of pills dissolved inside when he was raping me. But my mind is foggy and I can’t remember.

She’s sitting up with her hand over her chest and she’s breathing hard. She looks around the room and then her eyes land on me.

“Oh my god…” she says in a whisper. “Oh my god, Lana. Did last night really happen?” she’s breathing hard and I think for a minute she might hyperventilate. She takes in a couple deep breaths and I’m not really that surprised when Austin is knelt next to her on the floor with his hand over her mouth and her scream catches in her throat.

“I need you not to scream,” he says. I see the familiar look of terror in her eyes. Pretty sure I wore that look for a long time when I first met him and found all this out for myself. Shit, I’m pretty sure I wore that look last night when my boyfriend tore out Fred’s vocal cords. “I’m going to take my hand off your mouth, because it is not my intention to hurt you. But I need you to promise you aren’t going to scream. We don’t want to scare your mom.”

She nods against his hand and he slowly takes his hand off her mouth. She rubs her cheeks a little and looks down at the blankets she’s tangled up in and the Nightmare before Christmas pajamas she’s got on. She’s in some deep thought but I can see the slight tremble of her body.

“Are you really a vampire?” she asks in a gentle voice.

I hear the exasperated sigh he tries to keep quiet. I know when he agreed to come up here he wasn’t planning on sharing his deep dark secret with my 15 year old adoptive sister. But then again, he could have avoided it if he would have not eaten her dad. Just sayin’…

“Can we start with a different question?” he asks. She frowns.

“Not really,” she says after she thinks about it a second. “I mean, I could ask if you really ate my dad…but then that kind of goes back to the vampire thing!”

“Shh, shh,” he hisses and puts his hands up to shut her up. “Things get complicated when people hear about that.”

“Complicated?! Things get Complicated!? You murdered my dad!” she cries. The room is suddenly very full of that smell he lets off when he’s trying to hypnotize somebody and she starts to calm down.

“Let’s talk rationally,” he says. She looks at him with wide eyes.

“This isn’t a very rational situation,” I say to him. “We should have known last night she was just in some kind of shock.”

“I figured that was the case,” he says. “I didn’t really figure she was hugging me because she as totally together.”

“You two realize I’m sitting right here, right!?” she snaps.

“Did you get rid of the car?” I ask Austin.

“Yes,” he says.

Anna looks at up both with wide eyes and her mouth open. She’s appalled that we aren’t paying attention to her and her shock. “What if somebody finds his mangled body?” she asks then in a totally logical way.

Austin looks at her. “That isn’t going to happen,” he says.

“How the hell do you know?”

“I’ve been a vampire for two years and nobody has found a body yet,” he says in a totally casual voice. My stomach flips over and Anna carefully gets up off the floor and onto the bed with me. She presses her body against mine.

“You should have told me he was totally creepy sometimes,” she whispers in my ear without taking her eyes off him. He gives her a grin and I glare at him with my most powerful “you’re an asshole” glare.

“I wasn’t really hoping you’d have to find out,” I say through my teeth. “Austin, we aren’t playing a game here. This is serious shit.”

“I could tell you what I did to Fred,” he says and stands up. He adjusts his t-shirt and pajama bottoms. He isn’t usually one to really dress for bed, but last night with Anna in the room he made the effort to be conservative. “Would you like to know?”

I stick my tongue out through my teeth and gag a little. Anna looks at him dead in the eye and she sits up straight, determination clear on her face. I don’t like where this is going. I have a feeling I’m about to know what happened to old Fred. When he opens his mouth in a smile his fangs are out and it’s probably the most demented thing I’ve seen in a long fucking time.

“Austin, stop it!” I snap.

He laughs at me.

“I do,” Anna says then. “I want to know.”

“No you don’t,” I hiss.

“I do. You don’t know what I’ve been through, Lana. For over a year he’s been…doing things to me. It was like; watching me get changed at first, then I caught him watching me in the shower once. He made it out like he had to pee and Blair was in their bathroom. Then before I knew it he was touching me and making me touch him…and…” tears line her eyes and she shakes off the memory.

“He did it to me, too,” I say. All the molestation and rape I went through with Fred I locked away in the depth of my memory and I only bring it up when I come and see Blair. For a while I wouldn’t even think about dating men. Then I met the one guy and I thought I’d try it. I think honestly, Fred has a lot to do with why I’ve had such bad luck in picking guys. I expect men to treat me badly. Austin has really been the first guy I’ve dated that wasn’t a complete dick…and he has his faults.

“I want to know…because I want to know if he suffered adequately,” she says. “I spent months planning how to tear his dick of and make him eat it.”

I’m gagging again and this wasn’t even Austin being creepy. Shit, if she was older I think I might see if she didn’t want to date him. They fit.

Austin has a moment of thoughtfulness. “I didn’t think to do that,” he says. “That’s kind of a fun idea. I’ll remember that for the next child molester.” He laughs then and I glare at him.

“This isn’t amusing,” I say.

“Did you rip his fucking face off? Was it slow and painful? Is his body unidentifiable?” Anna asks. She’s totally serious.

“Calm down, Anna,” he says. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to tell you the details. You might think it is now, but it’s the kind of stuff that will probably give you some really fucked up nightmares.”

“Can’t be worse than the nightmare I was living,” she says. “You know how completely horrible it feels to be raped by your dad?”

Then suddenly it occurs to me that I don’t know what she went through. Fred did all the same disgusting things to me when I was 17 up until I was 18 and I moved out, but he was always just Blair’s husband. He was Annalise’s full blood father and he was molesting her. My stomach turns and I’m going to go ahead and say for the first time ever I’m thankful that my boyfriend can move at the speed of lightning, because he’s got the little trash can under the vomit that comes up out of my throat before it can hit the bed. Anna pulls my hair back and I heave again.

When it’s over I feel bad for throwing up in the middle of Anna’s crisis. But everything that’s happened in the last 12 hours has me feeling like hell. “I’m sorry,” I say to her.

“That’s how I’ve felt every day for over a year,” she says then. “I couldn’t get away from it, ever. It was at least once a week…sometimes more,” she continues. “He’d give mom a glass of wine and sometimes at dinner I could see the little pill in the bottom of the glass and I knew…” she wipes her eyes.

“Why didn’t either of you ever tell Blair?” Austin asks then.

“Fred…I don’t know how to explain it,” I say. “He was manipulative. It was always, ‘You’ll regret it, don’t make any sounds. If you scream I’ll slit your throat.’ He’d say shit like that and you know, it’s hard not to believe it when you are a 17 year old girl. There were so many threats.”

“He told me if I told Blair the things he was going to do to me would be worse than if he killed me,” Anna says and pulls her knees up to her chest. “I didn’t doubt him. He has his hunting cabin out in the woods. A scary old place no human could find if they wanted to.”

I look over at Austin and I think he’s replaying whatever sick shit he did last night and possibly wishing he’d have made it worse. His eyes are black and he’s lost in thought and I don’t like it at all. I reach out and nudge him and he growls before snapping out of it and catching my eye.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“Don’t be,” I say.

“I’m sorry nobody was there to stop it sooner,” he says. He’s clearly still really pissed off. “And I fucking wish you’d have told me on the first day.”

“Why? So you could have gone out and done that in front of Blair?” I snap. I don’t like that he’s trying to make this my fault.

“You doubt my control that much, Lana?”

“After what I saw last night I do!” I shout.

“When I opened the door, he was already on the bed,” he says. “On his knees on the fucking bed. There wasn’t a lot of time for control.”

I cross my arms over my chest and pout. I know I’m acting like a child but really he didn’t have to yell at me about the whole thing. He still murdered Fred, whether it was later than sooner. I mean really, Fred is dead.

“With his pants open,” Anna adds and looks down. “He saved me.”

I throw my hands up in surrender. I can’t argue with them both, and honestly I’m glad he didn’t have any self control last night. A little part of me wants to know if he tore his fucking face off too. There is a knock on the door then and I about jump out of my skin.

“Lana!” its Blair’s voice. “Are you in there, honey? Can I come in?”

“Of course, Blair!” I call back and smack Austin so he puts his teeth away. She opens the door and comes in. She’s clearly not feeling like herself and she comes and sits on the edge of the bed.

“Why are you in here, Annalise?” she asks. There is a short pause.

“I was in here last night talking with Austin and Lana,” she says. “And then we were playing cards or whatever and I just decided to stay in here.”

Blair nods and runs her hand through her blond hair. There is a moment of pause and then she sniffs and takes a breath. “I saw your door frame is broken,” she says.

I glare quickly at Austin and he pulls me against his chest in an irritating way. I want to smack him or something.

“Oh is it?” Anna asks. “Maybe Zoe tried to get in there thinking I was there. She did that last summer, remember?” Zoe is the dog. I guess Zoe could break a door frame, she’s a Saint Bernard and weighs 230 pounds. She also hates Austin with a burning passion and she growls at him all the time.

Blair nods again. “I don’t know what’s gotten into that dog over the last few days,” she says. “Uhm, did your dad tell you where he was going to go so early in the morning? I heard his car starting at like, 5 am.”

“No…” Anna trails off. She looks towards Austin but he ignores her. He’s doing a lot better at this playing it off thing than either of us. My heart is caught in my throat at the question of where Fred could be.

Blair kind of looks down at the ground and sighs. “Oh well, maybe it’s for the best,” she says. “I heard a lot of strange noises last night. Slamming and stuff.”

“Must have been Zoe breaking into my room,” Anna says. She seems relatively collected but I don’t know how she’s actually feeling.

“I could have sworn I put her outside before I went to bed,” Blair says and shakes her head. “I don’t know, I wasn’t feeling well. Seems like that’s been happening a lot lately…I should probably see a doctor.”

“Maybe it’s just the flu?” Anna asks. Blair looks at her.

“You sure are quick to answer everything,” she says. Anna bites on her lip a little and then she looks at me.

I have nothing to say. I’m lost and I’m going to play the dumb girl who has no idea what’s going on. It gets me out of a lot of unhappy places in my life. I shouldn’t want to do that, but really I’m sure if I open my mouth I’m going to shout “The child rapist is dead!” and I might even dance a little jig from the relief that’s going to give me.

“Well, you know…dad…had this thing…” Anna says and looks down at her fingers for a second. “Like, a girlfriend or whatever. I kind of found them here together one day when you were working. I didn’t want to say nothing, because he said it was a mistake or whatever and he was going to get it together. But you know how dad was, he could lie about anything really.”

Blair gets really quiet then and she kind of goes off into her own head for a few seconds. “We shouldn’t talk about this here, in front of Lana and her boyfriend. They don’t need to hear all of our dirty laundry,” she says then in a level voice. She stands up and pulls her robe tighter around her body. “I’m not feeling well. Maybe I’ll take a little longer in bed. Lana, can you manage breakfast this morning?”

“Of course,” I say and look at her. Her eyes are distant and I think at any second she’ll break down and cry. She nods and walks out of the room and I hear her bedroom door close a few minutes later and some things slam around in the room and I look at Anna.

“Jesus,” I say.

“I had to tell her something,” Anna says. “I couldn’t tell her the truth. I mean, she might have taken, ‘Oh dad? Austin killed him last night,’ a little harder than she’s taking this.”

Austin laughs at that and I slap his chest hard and he immediately shuts up. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh at the unfortunate end of Fred’s life,” he says. He coughs then and I can tell he still has laughter in his throat and I want to strangle him. I don’t understand how he finds this so amusing. Blair thinks her husband ran off with another woman and Anna is probably scarred for life.

Anna gets up then and stretches out her body. “Well, as…scary as that all is…I guess I’m still just as thankful,” she says. “I’m going to get in the shower.” She leans over and gives me a hug before giving Austin a quick hug and she leaves the room.

I fall back onto the pillows and let out a long breath of air. “Is it wrong that a part of me kind of wants to know what happened to Fred?” I ask with laughter.

He laughs too and takes a breath. “I can tell you if you want.” He lies next to me and pushes some of my hair out of my face. “I’m not as worried about you having nightmares.”

“Gee, thanks,” I say. He laughs.

“It’s not because of that,” he says. “It’s because I’ve come to find out you aren’t as fragile as I thought you were when we met.”

“What does that mean?”

“That means you watched me kill somebody last night and yet you still got in bed next to me,” he says. “That probably takes a lot of strength.”

“I trust you,” I say and roll onto my side to face him. “I think I’m falling in love with you. And that scares me to death,” I laugh. “But probably not for the reasons that it should.”

“What are the reasons?”

“The last man I loved could only ever hurt me,” I say. “I don’t want to love somebody so much again and just so he can be Jon all over again.”

“I can promise I’m not that guy,” he says.

I smile and I stretch up and kiss him. “I think…I need to tell Blair what’s going on to some extent.” I sit up and take in a deep breath. “She deserves to know what he’s been doing for a long time.”

“Maybe you should ask Anna how she feels about that,” Austin says. I think about it for a few minutes.

“You are probably right,” I say. “ Tell me, did you rip his face off?”

“No,” he laughs.

“So how do we know if somebody should find him he won’t be identified?”

“He’s not identifiable,” he says. He seems a little uncomfortable now and I think about backing off for a second. “Nobody will ever know who it was. I doubt they’ll ever find his body at all. But if they do nothing can identify him. I assure you, Lana, he suffered a great deal.”

I cringe a little and I decide maybe I don’t need the details after all. I sigh and get up. “I am going to make some breakfast. Are you going to want some?”

“Maybe just a little,” he says. “Not sure Anna is totally comfortable with it all yet.”

“Okay, I can do that.” I give him a kiss and stroll out of the room in my t-shirt and shorts. I hear Zoe scratching at the back door so I let her in and feed her her breakfast, which is way more food then you’d think, and I open the refrigerator.

I don’t like the quiet in the house, so I stop what I’m doing and find my iPod. I mess around and plug it into Blair’s little radio and turn up the volume. I go through my library and settle on My Darkest Days and hit play before going back to the fridge and finding a box of eggs and a thing of bacon. I think I might get creative and make omelets out of the left over pot roast so I dig around for that and some onions and whatever.

I know I should be feeling bad or something. After all, my boyfriend did kill my mom’s husband. But I find it hard to feel bad about Fred being dead, and I know right now Blair is upset and everything but it was obvious to me she wasn’t happy with him anyways.

I get out the pans and start putting everything together and shredding the meat up. I don’t cook often, but Blair taught me all the important parts of cooking. Mostly, I live alone so I’m a sandwich and canned soup kind of girl. It’s not always worth it to make a big meal for one person. I feel like I’ll always be like that. Austin doesn’t really eat people food so what good will it do me to make meals for him? Maybe on anniversaries I’ll force him to be a human with me.

I dance around a little to Porn Star Dancing and Zoe watches me like I’ve grown another head. I pat her head and throw her a piece of pot roast and she eats it in a flash. Pretty sure she didn’t even chew it…or taste it. If she wanted to she could knock me over. She’s huge. I turn my attention to the stove. I started the coffee pot a few minutes ago and it smells so good in here, like food and fresh coffee and I’m feeling good.

Then Zoe starts growling. I glance at her and see she’s got her lip pulled back, showing her teeth, and she’s crouched down. “If you were planning to sneak up on me, you’re position was given away,” I say. I hear Austin laugh and he’s standing next to me pouring a cup of coffee. Zoe is still growling.

“Zoe, calm,” I say and open a couple eggs into the pan. The bacon is frying in another pan on the stove.

“You’re over achieving here, Lana,” he says. He leans against the counter. Zoe slinks up a little closer and growls more violently and she barks once.

“She’s going to bite you,” I say. She barks again and he sets his cup of coffee down on the table and I shudder when he growls back and Zoe runs out of the kitchen whining. “Jesus, don’t scare the dog, Austin!” I say.

“Well, you didn’t want her to bite me,” he says and takes a drink of his coffee.

“I didn’t even know you growled until last night,” I say.

“I try to keep that bit of information to myself,” he says. “Most people are uncomfortable by animal growls.”

I shoot him a glare. “I’m one of those people, Austin.”

“I’ll try and behave,” he says. He moves behind me and puts his hands on my hips. He starts kissing on my neck. “You make a cute housewife,” he says and kisses behind my ear. I let a little moan escape my throat.

“Stop it,” I say. “We are in my mom’s kitchen, don’t be a freak.”

“I can’t help it, it’s in my nature,” he says. He slides his hands down my stomach.

“Austin, stop it!” I say. He laughs a little.

“Fine, fine,” he says.

“Jesus, what is it with you? Does the feed make you horny or something?” I ask. He lets go of me and picks up his coffee cup. He has a look of amusement on his face.

“Well, no,” he says. “I think it’s more these cute little shorts.” He snaps the waistband against my skin and I turn around and slap him. He laughs.

“You guys are being gross,” Anna says as she walks into the room. Her hair and makeup is done and she’s dressed in a red plaid skirt and a black t-shirt.

“Oh hush,” Austin says. She flips him off casually and he laughs. “Glad you are in good spirits, babe.”

“Eh, it’s whatever. The food smells good,” she says.

“It will be ready in a minute. Help yourself to some coffee,” I say. She nods.

“Why is Zoe hiding under the coffee table? You know, it’s kinda hard for her to do that since only her head fits under there,” she says.

“Austin growled at her,” I say and glare at him. He laughs.

“Oh,” she says. She sits at the breakfast bar.

“I was thinking…” I say. “We should tell Blair about Fred.”

“What do you mean?” Anna asks with wide eyes.

“Like…you know what he was doing,” I say. “Because it’s not fair that she should have to feel so bad when it was really not a bad thing. We’ll tell her he ran off last night because we heard something going on and you know he didn’t want any trouble or whatever.”

“I don’t know, Lana,” she says and bites on her bottom lip. “I don’t know if I want mom to know. She’ll be upset we never told her before.”

“I know, but she deserves to know,” I say and set a plate of food on the bar for her. I give her a fork and she sighs.

“Okay, we can tell her, after breakfast,” she says.

The three of us eat together. The meal time is pretty tense and quiet. I think she’s preparing herself for all this. I don’t blame her. It’s going to be tough to talk to Blair. But I just feel like it’s for the best to tell her at least part of the truth. I obviously can’t tell her that Austin tore his throat out and whatever. But I need to tell her the truth about what he did to me. I wish now I would have told her sooner. Then I could have saved Anna all the trouble.

When we’ve finished eating I leave the dishes in the sink and I stand in the kitchen for a few minutes. I feel the air around me move and I feel Austin’s arms around my waist and I’m so incredibly thankful I’ve got him to lean on. He rests his chin on my shoulder, so his weight is on my back, but I don’t mind. I rather enjoy the feeling of his closeness to me right now.

“It will be okay,” he says in a gentle voice. “Just breathe.”

“I appreciate what you did last night,” I say. “But if I’d have told Blair 10 years ago it wouldn’t have needed to happen.” Guilt has started to wash over me and I feel like in a lot of ways it’s my fault that Anna was hurt.

“It will be okay,” he repeats. “And it’s not your fault. A lot of young girls go through that and never tell because of whatever reason. So just relax and breathe and tell her what you think you need to.”

“I love you,” I whisper. It’s the first time I’ve really said it to any man in my life. I never could say it to Jon, I knew how it would turn out. He kisses me on my neck and I close my eyes, my heart is beating fast and I’m sure my blood is rushing because I need him to answer me.

“I love you, too, Lana,” he says. “I’m pretty sure if my heart were to start beating ever again it would be because of you.”

The sincerity in his voice washes away all the parts of that comment that should seem strange and it just makes me feel calm and happy. For the first time I really truly feel happy with a man. I could easily marry him today.

Annalise comes into the kitchen then and looks at me. “If we are going to do it, we have to do it now,” she says. “I can’t wait forever, and by later I’ll have lost the courage.”

I nod and pull myself out of Austin’s hold. I am already craving it again as soon as I walk away from him. At least there with him it’s safe. I walk to Anna and link arms with her. She’s shaking and I can tell she isn’t sure about doing this. But we both know in our hearts that Blair is a beautiful person and she deserves the truth rather than a lie that only hurts her. We walk together to her bedroom and we knock on the door. There is a long silence before we knock again.

“Yes,” she says in a broken voice.

“Can we come in?” I hear myself ask. But I’m so lost in all my thoughts it’s hard to register that it’s me who is speaking.

“Yes,” Blair says.

I open the door and Anna and I walk in together. Blair is sitting in front of her vanity mirror. She isn’t dressed, and her eyes are red and puffy from having cried. She’s got her robe untied and her nightgown is visible on her body. For the first time in all my life I can see Blair’s age on her face.

“Annalise,” she says and looks into the mirror. “You said you saw the girl? Was she young?”

“Blair,” I say in a soft voice. She looks towards me. “We need to tell you something.”

“What is it?” she asks and wipes her eyes with her finger tips. She suddenly is back to being her motherly self, her face shows concern and I can feel my heart beating in my chest so violently that it hurts.

“It’s…about Fred,” I say in a shaking voice. Annalise takes hold of my hand and gives it a little squeeze.

“We both need to tell you,” she says. “Dad was…” she takes a deep breath and lets it out in a shaky sigh. “Molesting me.”

“What?” Blair asks with her eyes widened.

“I didn’t want to tell you…because…he threatened to do a lot of horrible things if I say anything. I’m so sorry, mom,” Anna cries. “He left last night because Lana heard him come into my room and she was gonna call the police and he took off.”

“He was…with…but you…oh my god,” Blair says and looks down at her hands, shock written in the features of her face. “Oh god, Annalise, you should have told me. Oh…my god…I’m so…”

“It’s not your fault,” Anna says. “I never told you about it and I…but don’t apologize,” she says.

“I should have known…I should have known he was doing something. He was acting so suspicious, and I should have…and I’m supposed to protect you from those kinds of…oh my god,” Blair cries and she puts her face in her hands and she cries. Anna looks at me.

“You don’t need to tell her about you,” she whispers very quietly in my ear before letting go of me and putting her arms around Blair. My heart is breaking in my chest and I don’t know what to do. Would it be horrible to put that much more on Blair’s chest? To know that it was going on so much longer. “Its okay mom,” Anna says in a soothing voice.

“I wish you would have told me,” Blair says. “I would have done something. Oh Anna…” Then she looks at me and I think she can see the truth on my face and I have to look away. “I would have done something for you, Lana.”

“It was such a long time ago,” I say and I fall onto her bed. “I didn’t want anything to happen. I was scared, and he said he’d hurt me…or Annalise…and I couldn’t take those chances,” I cry. It’s a flood of memories I don’t’ want to remember.

There is a long moment where nobody says anything. Everything I’ve held onto for so long is out in the open now and I don’t know how to deal with it all. I want, really, to just go back to bed with Austin and lie there and pretend it’s all just a bad dream. Maybe I’ll let him hypnotize me and make me forget all this for a few minutes.

“I’m sorry,” Blair says. “That I couldn’t take care of either of you, when both of you needed somebody so badly.”

“You are amazing,” I hear myself say. “You’ve done everything right.”

“But I haven’t…if I’d done everything right we wouldn’t be having this discussion now,” she says. Her voice is distant. She stands up then. “I need some time to think. I’m going to have a bath,” she says and looks at the floor for a few minutes.

“Okay, mom,” Anna says. “Call us if you need anything.”

“Of course,” Blair says and goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. I hear the lock turn and I’m instantly worried. She’s never in all the years I’ve known her locked her bathroom door. But Anna stands up, not seeming to think much of it and looks at me for a few seconds.

“That wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be,” she says.

“I don’t know how I feel,” I say. But I let Anna lead me out the door and I’m startled a little bit when Austin is standing there waiting. I instantly fold myself into his arms and I breakdown.

I haven’t cried like this in years I think. I cry so hard that I’ve soaked through his shirt with my tears and I’m gasping for air. But it feels so good to let it all go, let it all run out of me like poison. I wish I could say it will be the last time I really cry this way. But it won’t even be the last time I cry today.