The Poison in Your Blood

I pull up in front of the house and sit in my car for a minute with tears still in my eyes. I just have so many thoughts going through my head right now and I don’t know how to process them. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that he’d ever do that. That he’d ever tell me he loved me and I don’t know why he had to do it now. Now that I am so ready to be free.

Austin comes out the front door and watches me sitting in the car for a second. Before I have a chance to notice he’s next to my window and he’s opening my door for me. “What happened?” he asks with concern.

I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes with my hands and check my face in the mirror. I know he’s getting irritated but I have to think about how I’m going to tell him why I’m crying over my ex in his drive way.

“Lana,” he says with a sigh.

“I’ll tell you in the house. This isn’t a conversation I want to have in the drive way.”

He backs up and I get out of the car and I have to catch my balance. I feel like I’ve reacted in a way that isn’t normal. But then again how can I act? I’m feeling guilty and hurt and sad. Austin catches me and we go into the house together. I don’t know what to say to him.

I make my way into the kitchen and drop my purse on the counter top and I pour some coffee while he pulls himself up onto one of his breakfast bar stools. It’s clear that he is waiting on me to tell him why I’m so upset. I set my coffee cup down and take a deep breath.

“What’s going on, Lana? Did he do something to you?” he asks.

“No,” I say. “Not really.”

“What do you mean not really?”

“What, you weren’t there watching?” I snap.

He gives me a dark look. “You asked me not to. I was under the impression that you trusted me,” he says.

I look away, feeling bad for snapping at him. After all it wasn’t his fault.

“I wanted to follow you, but I didn’t want to do something that would hurt you. I’m starting to think maybe I should have now,” he says. “What happened? Tell me.” His tone has changed now from concerned to accusing and I’m suddenly really really pissed off.

“What do you think happened?!” I shout.

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking,” he says. “I’m starting to think it’s something I should be worried about though since you’ve decided you can’t fucking tell me.”

“It’s not like that!” I say.

“Then what the fuck is it like, Lana? You sat out in the drive way crying for ten minutes, something must have happened.”

“It just didn’t go the way I planned! I was going to go and tell him he’s a jerk and I hate him, and then he started on this big long fucking thing about how much he loves me and how sorry he is it took him so long to see it and blah blah blah.”

“So why are you the one crying?” he asks then with his eyebrows pressed together.

I look at him with wide eyes for a few seconds. Why shouldn’t I be crying? I’m upset, obviously he can see that! “Because it made me upset!” I say.

“You should be happy he loved you or whatever,” he says.

“Why the hell should it make me happy that he waits until now, when I’m finally happy to tell me he loves me? It’s like…one last attempt to fuck me up,” I say.

He stares at me for a long time in a way that makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I’m starting to wonder if I have a pimple or something. He looks down suddenly and he seems lost in thought for a few minutes.

“What?” I snap.

“I’m trying to wrap my head around how selfish it was for you to say that,” he says.

I feel like I’ve just been slapped. How dare he say it’s selfish of me!? “Excuse me?! Selfish for me to say that?! It’s selfish for me to be upset that he did that to me!”

“I don’t know him…I’ve never in my life met him. Nor do I ever think I will. But I have this feeling like whatever he told you this morning had very little to do with your feelings,” he says.

I can feel my heart beating faster and I’m caught between really pissed off and really confused. “What in the world? So you find it perfectly acceptable to wait until a girl, you’ve been with for years, has found somebody new and is happy to tell her that you love her? And then he kissed me and left me standing in the restaurant, he didn’t even give me a chance to…”

“To what? If he’d stayed there what? You’d have freaked out and started yelling at him or something. I don’t know how women work,” he says and puts his fingers through his hair. “I knew he kissed you, I could smell him on you. But maybe this time he was the one who was hurt. Did that ever occur to you? Or did your vanity push that away?”

“My vanity?!” I yell. “I don’t see how this makes me vain?!”

“I don’t see how you can’t see how selfish and vain you sound! Really, Lana! I’m sure he didn’t tell you he loves you so he could hurt you! That’s just ridiculous. Fuck, maybe I can see why he never told you before if this is how you react.”

I feel my heart stop in my throat. I take a breath and look down at the coffee I poured. It’s getting cold but I don’t want it now. I don’t even know what I want. I think maybe I want to cry or something, but then I’m not sure that’s the right thing either. “You just…don’t understand,” I whisper.

“I get it, Lana. You’ve had bad relationships with men, and maybe some of them did do fucked up shit like that. But unless this guy called you names or something hurtful I just don’t think it was his intention to hurt you.”

I think about it for a minute. I hate in so many ways that all of his points are valid. “He’s hurt me so many times…”

“I get that. But not everything he ever does or says is to hurt you. From what I’ve understood it was a pretty decent kind of relationship with the exception of the emotional strain.”

“I just want to move on from him,” I say and lean across the counter with my head in my hands. “I want to move on and and forward. I love you, I can’t let him have that over me.”

“Then put it away,” he says and pulls my hand away from my head. He gives it a little squeeze and I look up at him. “He had things to say and you had things to say and now you’ve both said them and its over. Move on. The only thing keeping you from moving on is yourself.”

“For a man you have way to much good advice,” I say.

He laughs then and comes around the counter. He puts his arms around me and pulls me against his body and I wrap myself around him and put my head against his chest. For one small second I remember lying in bed with Jon and listening to his heart beat. One thing I think I’ll miss forever is the sound of a man’s heart beating.

“I love you,” he says. “Don’t freak out.”

“Jerk,” I say with a laugh. I sniff a little and pull away from him.

“I wouldn’t want you to think I’m trying to hurt you,” he says. He leans down and puts his forehead against mine and he smiles.

“I fucking hate you,” I say.

“There is the Lana I know.”

“You’re such a jerk,” I say. He smiles again, and this time he’s got his full on fangs and shit smile and I can’t help but smile back a little bit. I can remember a time when that would have scared the living shit out of me. Now I find it kind of…I don’t know…nice. “I love that you are so open with me.”

“You brought all the demons out,” he says.

It’s some time before I have it all together again and we are lying on the sofa, in very little clothes I’m going to go ahead and admit. The front door opens and shuts and I sigh. I’m lying here with him, against him, covered only in his t-shirt and a pair of underwear.

“School was…” Anna starts as she comes into the living room. “Oh gross.”

“Oh hush,” I say and I pull the couch blanket up over us. I don’t really see what the issue is anyways. He’s got pants on. “How was school.”

“It was fine,” she says with her hand over her eyes.

“Oh good lord, Annalise. You act like you’ve never seen a shirtless man before.”

“It wasn’t the shirtless man, it was my pants-less sister lying on the shirtless man,” she says.

“I’m not naked,” I say in my defense.

“Okay, here’s the thing,” Austin says then and sits up. “I have one rule for you living here. Well…three rules. No drugs,” he says.

“Jeez, I might look like a crack head but I swear I’m not,” she says.

“Either way, no drugs, no babies, and always remember it’s my house and I can have sex with your sister where ever I feel necessary.” He gives her a grin then and she narrows her eyes. “And if I so choose to lie on my sofa completely naked that’s my business.”

“That’s four rules,” I say in a teasing voice. Annalise looks totally horrified but I think the message was clear enough.

“Does that mean I can bring home boys and lie around naked with them?” she asks in a completely serious voice.

“No,” he says. “I don’t care if you have sex, your sister can worry about that. Just no babies. I don’t like the idea of babies. And you do your shit in your room with the doors closed.”

“I feel so liberated,” she says and rolls her eyes. He laughs.

“I can’t promise your boyfriends will leave though,” he says with a completely demented grin and I slap his shoulder.

“Well…now that I’m sufficiently creeped the fuck out, I think I’ll go upstairs and do my homework…” Anna says with wide distant eyes.

“I’m kidding babe,” he clarifies.

“Not even close to the point,” she says and leaves the room.

“You’re an ass,” I say to Austin once she’s gone.

“I know,” he says and smiles. “That’s why you love me.”

“Sure,” I say. “That and something else,” I add and slip my hand under the covers.

“Fuck, woman,” he says. “You’re trying to kill me.”

“Let’s see how long you can go.”